Well, I'm enjoying this quite a bit... I'd like to offer to beta for you; I can't comment much on plot or whatever (I like to see what you come up with) but as far as grammar and general felicitous use of the English language are concerned, I can help.
Author's response
That'd be great. :)
You can contact me at my email (sporkincarnate@live.nl) if you want to discuss that further.
If you have idea on a chatroom or such to meet up, that'd work too.
J