Duuuuuude. I like this. I don't know fucking why, because there's a lot of errors, but i like it. Yeah, the Grammar's bad, so is the puntuation and spelling, the storyline is unrealistic, corny and it's near impossible to read because of the lack of paragraphs. BUT. I like your writing style. You have a nice use of discriptive vocab buried under the errors.
I really REALLY want this to be great. I'm a beta reader (editor) for about 4 other people, would you consider me being a beta reader for this? I wouldn't be changing the story, just fixing the errors. Just consider it, yeah? If you want my services, contact me at thechloeevans@hotmail.co.uk. Peace.