Overall, you've got a good concept and good potential at writing. However, I would suggest proof-reading your work, or getting a beta to do so for you. The story was severely lacking punctuation.
Sorry for awakening the Grammar Nazi Supreme on you xD I enjoyed it overall. Keep writing!
--The Flaming Unicorn of Justice
Author's response
thank you!! punctuation... my only vice! I will try to improve it, I have always had trouble with it :)