Nice story so far. You might want to work just a little on the sentence construction. Otherwise it was fine. Good descriptions, no spelling errors and an interesting introduction. I would love to see this story progrees. I also somehow fell in love with the title, which I also gove you credit for, as it's the first few words of a story that compell the reader to read on.
Author's response
Hey, thanks! I hope the next chapter is better, but I'll work on it.