I'm curious as to where this is going to go... Will there be more past this one chapter?
It was a good beginning. I was drawn in... But now I find myself wanting more. I certainly hope this isn't all you're planning on posting. O.o
Mmm, I'm not seeing too much to be critical about honestly. I enjoyed it, especially for a first chapter... Those can be difficult. I guess just with how cool she is with the guys in her room and maybe more descriptions with that instead of just 'pop'... although I guess maybe that's what you were aiming for.
I'll shut up now. It was excellent!