Exciting so far! The plotline is interesting! But, I think the grammar needs a quick going though. You shoud also put it in a separate story. If you want to email me the story, I can do a quick grammar and spelling edit for you :) Just so it's a little easier to read, you know?
I don't want you to feel like it's a bad story. It's good! Just needs to be written a bit clearer is all. Like I said, if you want me to I will edit it, just email it to me; rlgrant@gmail.com
BleedingValentine xx