Hey, I'm that girl from Tumblr :) I like your story, it's interesting and it's obvious that you were brought up knowing how to use a dictionary which is always good in a fanfiction lol. The only thing I would recommend working on is every time a new person speaks, begin a new line instead of just typing all the speech in one giant block, because it tends to run together and sometimes can be confusing to the reader if they miss a quotation mark. Other than that I like it! Can't wait to see how this goes :)
Author's response
Oh hi! lol I just saw your messages a few minutes ago ^^ thank you for reading! And thanks for the pointer, I'll be sure to use that from now on. :)