I'm not gonna lie. You could have done much more with this story. It's all big blocks of text that could definitely use some formatting, and it was really rushed.
You definitely have some good ideas, and some skill, but you need to elaborate on them more and use more description. You don't give much detail to what the characters are doing, and as I'm reading this it seems like the characters are just sitting there blankly speaking to each other with no real emotion.
Maybe proof-read this a bit more, I am liking the idea of this story though. :)