I think a little more description would be useful - as a reference, I'd say go and read 'Trying To Escape The Inevitable' by CosmicZombie, The Unholyverse (fuck it's long but it's fucking good), The Dove Keeper, The Anatomy of a Fall, and A Splitting Of The Mind. Yes, describing the physical actions of a character is vital, but you also might want to go into description about their thoughts, their surroundings, the mood that hands maliciously in the icy air. Also, a dictionary and a thesaurus will be your best friends. Like, never use normal words. Use big, weird, complicated words. My personal favorites are supercalifragilisticexpialidocius and antidisestablishmentarianism. I actually know how to spell those, they're my favorite words ever.
All in all, an okay chapter, but there is a lot of room for improvement.
In completely unrelated news, I want my nipples pierced. I just want them.
Keep the faith,
xoclaire
(PS: Yes, band members have read my lyrics. Two dudes from the band Overworld, and (get this) FUCKING LUKE LUCAS FROM THE DEAD LAY WAITING!! I adore TDLW, and Luke is a cutie, and he read them and told he he really liked them and that I was a brilliant lyricist and I cried. As in, full on tears.)