You start with rather purple prose and starge sentence structures and then you continue by inserting a real person into your fic. Your comments directed at the reader break the forth wall and disrupt what little flow you have going in your story. Formating three-quaters of the story in italics and not spell-checking for even simply typos like 'inpatiently' and 'insident' does not help either.
The plot of the story is neither good nor bad as there is simply too little of it to qualify for either, but it does little to grab the attention of a reader and make him or her want to find out how this story continues.