Sad to say, there are many, many dorks who are not nice. For many girls "nice" also includes hygiene.
"scrapped up"
This means "turned to scrap." I think you may have meant "scraped up." This is one of those times when either meaning is doable.
"nslaughter charge, and the prison sentence th"
Again, no coordinating conjunction or series of times => no comma.
"woman laying unconsci"
If she's unconscious, then she's "lying" on the ground.
And the bank tellers don't say "thanks" or anything? Jeez...
You know what would suck? If the police, while investigating the almost-robbery, find Derek's fingerprints on the pellet gun and come hassle him.
Author's response
The tellers were too awe struck so say much of anything, but their eyewitness accounts will prevent young Derek from being hassled by the cops (but maybe not the media, hint hint). I have a lot of trouble with past and present terms for lay, usually I just guess as to which spelling is correct, but I’m working on it. keep your eyes open for the next one.