Categories > Original > Humor > The Suicidal Immortal 2


by Togot 1 review

Ever have a day where everything goes wrong? For Derek that is every day and he wants to end it. There's just one problem, it seems that he can't

Category: Humor - Rating: R - Genres: Humor, Sci-fi - Warnings: [V] - Published: 2007-01-10 - Updated: 2007-01-10 - 2782 words

-Derek sat alone at the school lunch table staring glumly at his food. The three stooges sat further down to his left: Joe, Ben and Bob. They were in an enthusiastic debate about some anime movie they had seen. Derek usually sat near them and, on rare occasions, even joined in on their conversations. They weren't exactly friends, but Derek didn't mind being around them.

-Joe was a very socially awkward boy who wore glasses and had bad acne. He always tried to say things that were cool, but it just made him look like an even bigger dork. Ben was just as much of a social outcast with a black mullet and thin mustache. He often thought that trivial things were important, like whether or not graphics in a video game made it a good or a bad game. Bob was the most normal of the group, and he was the most annoying. He was a big guy with a full grown beard despite the fact that he was a year younger than Derek. He had a tendency to repeat the same joke again and again, even when it wasn't funny the first time.

-Derek got up to throw away what was left of his lunch. As he did, he passed two girls that were talking. Derek wasn't trying to eavesdrop, but he heard one of them ask, "Why can't I find a nice guy in this school?" Derek stopped dead in his tracks. Normally he tried very hard not to get involved with things that weren't his business, but this time he made an exception.

-Derek turned to face the girls. "You want to find a nice guy?" he asked, not even trying to hide his irritation. "There's one right over there," he said, pointing to Ben. "you want one too?" he asked the other girl and pointed to Bob, "there's one for you; now go over there and say high, and I swear to demented darkness that if you two say anything about them not being cute, I'll slit both of your throats! Hot equals asshole, dork equals nice, NO EXCEPTIONS!" And with that small outburst, Derek returned to his seat.

-The three stooges all gave him surprised looks. Derek sighed as he felt dozens of eyes staring at him. Unsurprisingly, the girls didn't go over and talk to Ben or Bob. The three stooges praised and thanked Derek for the attempt at getting two of them girlfriends, though Derek pointed out that the girls weren't the kind of people that were worth being with.

-After lunch, and after getting shoved into a locker down the hallway by one of the girl's asshole boyfriends, Derek went to his chemistry class. He opened his book and looked through it with disinterest. He looked over several chemicals and one of them caught his eye. Derek recognized it as a chemical that could be used in an explosive; he also knew how to get it. He went through a quick mental check of the other reactive compounds for making a bomb and determined which ones he could get, and which ones he couldn't.

-Aside from a boy pulling down his shorts in gym class, the rest of Derek's day at school went without incident. He went outside and headed for his car, but when he walked through the parking lot, a yellow car sped through the parking lot and headed straight for Derek. Reflexively, Derek jumped up into the air. His legs cleared the hood of the car, but his body hit and rolled over the windshield.

-Derek spun wildly in the air as the rest of the car passed underneath him. He fell to the ground and landed on his hands and knees. Derek shook his head and looked himself over; his palms and elbows were pretty scrapped up, but other than that he was fine. He looked up in time to catch a glimpse of the car's license plate: EZ RIDER.

-Derek went to his car and got in, after taking notice of the key scratches along the side. Derek began to leave the parking lot, but as he was pulling out onto the street, another car, loaded with students, flew past and almost hit his front end. As they sped down the street, Derek could hear its occupants howling and laughing as loud as they could while Derek quietly prayed for their deaths.

-Derek got the rest of the way home without incident, except for the two young children that ran out in front of him while he was pulling in his driveway. After avoiding a manslaughter charge, and the prison sentence that would have gone with it, Derek went to the front door and found that it was locked. He pulled out his keys and unlocked the door, but the knob still wouldn't give all the way.

-Derek fidgeted with the faulty mechanism for nearly a minute before he glared at the defiant door knob. "Alright you little bitch," said Derek as he took a firm grip on the round copper handle with both hands and twisted it as hard as he could before he threw all of his weight into the door.

-The next thing Derek knew, he was falling face first to meet the wood floor inside the living room. He tried his best the break his fall, but his hand reached out and grabbed onto a ceramic dog which shattered under the force of his weight. Derek picked himself up and looked at the shattered piece; his mother had made it in memory of their deceased dog: Holly.

-Derek sighed and shook his head before cleaning up the mess and throwing away the pieces. He went to the back room and got on the computer, hoping to relax before weathering his mother's wrath when she got home. He logged on and checked his email. There was a message from an online store he had ordered something from two days earlier.

-Derek clicked on the message and read that they had been unable to process his order due to some kind of error with his debit card. Derek figured that he had probably mistyped one of the numbers on his card, but he wanted to double check his account to make sure the money had not been withdrawn.

-He went to his bank's website and typed in his I.D. and password, but instead of his bank statement, Derek was greeted with an error message. Perturbed, Derek tried again, thinking that he had mistyped something. Again he was greeted with the same message informing him that his request could not be serviced and that he should call customer service.

-Derek pinched the bridge of his nose between the eyes, trying to fight off a tension headache and control his temper; he doubted the circuit boards in his computer to withstand another assault. He dismissed the incident as an online problem with the bank that would probably clear up in a few hours, a day at the most.

-Derek began searching the web for blueprints and schematics on how to build a small bomb. He was confident that he could make one from scratch if he really wanted to, but there might be an easier way to do it online. After rejecting several models, either because they were too complex or too destructive, he settled on a pretty simple design that used some basic chemicals and an electronic trigger that was easy to make.

-Derek jotted down the items he would need to buy and headed out the door. With any luck he would be able to get the deed done before his mother got home and saw that her morbid reminder of her beloved pet had been destroyed. Derek briefly wondered which she would be more upset about: his death, or the statues destruction.

-Derek drove to the store and was forced to park a good distance away due to the lack of parking spaces. On his way in, he noticed a woman laying unconscious on the ground in front of the store's doors. Derek saw a couple walking towards the woman and decided that he wouldn't have to get involved; at least he did until he saw the couple step right over the unconscious woman and enter the store.

-Derek watched with disturbed fascination as one person after another went passed the woman without paying her any mind. "And you make me miserable," Derek said with disgust, looking up at the sky. Feeling the annoying remnants of his conscience puling at him, and wanting to prove to himself that he was a better person than those that had ignored the woman, Derek calmly made his way over to her.

-Derek knelt down beside her and checked her pulse; she was still alive and breathing, so Derek looked around and saw a young, well dressed man talking on a cell phone. Derek briskly walked up to the man and snatched the phone out of his hand. The man looked at him with surprise and anger, but Derek shot him a glair that cut short any objections.

-Derek quickly dialed 911 and calmly explained the situation to the operator. The woman on the other end told him that an ambulance would be dispatched right away, and that the girl should not be left unattended. Derek hung up the phone and looked at the man that it belonged to.

-"You, stay with her until the ambulance gets here," Derek said indifferently, "if I get back out here and you're gone, I'll hunt you down and break both your legs." Derek closed the cell phone and tossed it to the man as he walked into the store to get what he had come for; calling for help was as involved as Derek was going to get.

-Derek found the items he was looking for easily and brought them up to the checkout lane. He could see through the doors that the ambulance was outside, and a cop was shaking the hand of the man with the phone who now had a big smile on his face. Derek shook his head, irritated by the irony.

-The clerk rang up the items. "Thirty two twenty five," the man said impatiently. Derek slid his debit card through the scanner and typed in his pin number. "I'm sorry sir, but you're cards been declined." Derek looked at the man and then at the register's monitor. A message stating that the card was not valid appeared in bold.

"And that's the reward I get for doing a good deed," Derek said to himself.

-After putting the items back, Derek left the store and got in his car. He sat for a long moment trying to think of what to do. After awhile he came up with a plan: he would go to the bank, withdraw thirty five dollars from the ATM, come back to the store and pay with cash.

-Derek made it to the bank without incident, but when he put his card into the ATM and typed in his pin number, the machine spat his card back out. Derek read the message telling him that there was some kind of error. His expression became heavy as the anger and depression took its toll, but he did not lose his temper.

-Derek parked his car and went into the bank. He quickly found one of the staff to help him: a young woman with dark hair and too much perfume. He explained the situation and she checked her computer for his account. When she frowned, Derek knew he wasn't going to be happy.

-"It seems that a company known to be fraudulent tried to access your account online," she said, reading the information on the computer. "Our system recognized it and froze your account so no one could take any money from you. We're going to have to create a new account for you, cut up your debit card and mail you a new one, and then you'll have to call tech support and they can talk you through the process of changing your online information."

-"...peachy," Derek said with a forced smile.

-For over half an hour Derek and the bank associate filled out paper work and made calls until finally everything was in order. "Can I make a withdrawal now?" Derek asked, "I have some things I need to get at the store.

-"Oh sure," the woman said. "Just use your new account number and fill out a withdrawal slip."

-Derek went to the desk and filled out the slip for thirty five dollars. He had everything ready and went to get in line, when a man brandishing a hand gun burst into the store. "NOBODY MOVE!" he yelled through the hole in his ski mask. "GIVE ME THE MONEY, NOW!"

-"...Jesus titty fucking Christ," Derek said, putting a hand over his face and shaking his head. "There's no way my luck is this bad."

-"YOU, GET DOWN ON THE GROUND!" the man commanded, pointing his gun at Derek. Derek just looked at the man and sighed, irritation written all over his face.

-"Just shut the fuck up and shoot me," Derek said, his patience gone. The man was rattled by Derek's request and looked around, trying to understand if it was some kind of trick.

-"I SAID GET DOWN!" The man repeated, his voice less confident. Derek only narrowed his eyes at the man.

-"And I said, SHOOT ME YOU COCK SUCKING PIECE OF SHIT! I have enough problems without some dumb-ass coming in here and making my life even more difficult. Now I swear to that sadistic sodomite of a god, that if you don't pull that fucking trigger and put me out of my misery, I'M GOING TO RIP YOUR ARM OFF AND BEAT YOU OVER THE HEAD WITH IT!"

-The man stared at Derek in disbelief, looking nervously around for an escape from the situation. It was clear that he didn't have the conviction to follow through with his criminal activities, and once that was clear, his power was gone.

-"THAT DOES IT!" Derek yelled, angry and impatient. He rushed at the man and grabbed for the gun, getting the man's wrist instead. The two of them struggled for a moment, and then there was a noise.

-Derek felt a sharp pain on the left side of his head. A woman screamed, and everyone froze. Derek reached up and touched his head where it hurt. He felt a small hole, more of a scratch than anything, and wetness under his finger tips. Derek took his hand away from the wound and looked at the small amount of blood on his fingers.

-Derek furrowed his brow, confused by what had happened. What he had heard had not been a gun shot, and yet he had been hit by something. Derek looked at the gun in the man's hand and noticed for the first time that the handle of the black, semiautomatic weapon was wrapped with black tape.

-Derek's eyes widened as he pieced together what had happened: he had wrestled with the man, and the gun had gone off, grazing the side of his head, but it hadn't been a bullet that hit him. "You tried to rob a bank with a fucking PELLET GUN?"

-The man's eyes went wide with panic, and Derek knew that he had nailed it on the nose. The would be bank robber had taken a pellet pistol and wrapped black tape around the CO2 cartridge so no one would notice it at a glance. No wonder he had been reluctant to grant Derek's request; it would have revealed the gun for what it really was: a toy.

-The man dropped the gun in a panic and broke away from Derek. Derek quickly reached down and snatched up the weapon, pointing it at the man and firing off several shots in anger. The faint popping sound of compressed air being released signaled each pull of the trigger, that and the cries of the man as the pellets hit his backside as he ran out the doors.

-"YEAH YOU BETTER RUN YOU LITTLE SHIT!" Derek yelled as he fired off nearly a dozen shots before the man escaped.

-With the immediate cause of his frustration gone, Derek carelessly tossed away the pellet gun and walked up to the bank tellers who were looking at him in shocked disbelief. Derek handed them the paper work he had filled out before the fiasco had accrued. He looked at them blankly, blood trickling down the side of his head, and said, "I'd like to make a withdrawal please."
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