Categories > Original > Humor > The Suicidal Immortal 2
-Derek sat alone in a room in the basement. He carefully measured two chemicals and poured them into a small cylindrical container. He was about to seal the cap on the end, when he heard his mother call down to him. "Derek, what are you doing down there?"
-"...I'm combining combustible compounds with the intention of shedding my mortal coil in the hopes that I may cease my discontent and possibly even face my antagonist with the intention of avenging myself upon him."
-There was a long pause before his mother responded, "Ok, be careful." He heard her walk away and, after briefly considering that he might have been adopted, he went back to work. He had almost finished when his mother called down to him again. "Derek, we're going to the mall, so get your shoes on."
-Derek looked down at his almost finished bomb before answering, "Can it wait just a few minutes?"
-Twenty minutes later, Derek found himself walking in the mall with his mother towing him around from store to store. His sister's birthday was coming up, and his mother wanted to get the shopping done for her. Unfortunately for Derek, he was always drafted to be the pack mule.
-Derek ended up standing in the middle of female underwear in a lingerie store, wondering why god hated him so much, when he noticed a small group of people standing in front of the store. Normally he tried very hard not to pay attention to the people in the mall due to a misunderstanding with a gang of punks that had nearly resulted in a riot, but he recognized one of the girls in the group.
-Derek moved a little closer to get a better look and realized it was the girl that had complained about her difficulty in finding a decent boyfriend. The boy she was talking to turned towards Derek, and Derek nearly laughed out loud when he saw who it was. Smiling and flirting with the girl who was tired of dating assholes, was Larry, the biggest asshole of them all.
-Larry was notorious for seducing any girl dumb enough to fall for his lies and false flattery, and then treating them like total shit once had slept with them. As soon as he tired of them, he would dump them and move on to his next conquest.
-Derek knew all of this because Larry sat in front of him during Spanish class where he bragged to his friends about his girlfriends' assets. Derek despised the bastard, especially since he was often the recipient of Larry's verbal abuse in school.
-Derek didn't know who to hate more, Larry for being such a pig, or the women who were naïve enough to buy his bullshit. One thing was for sure, he wouldn't be having any sympathy for Larry's latest victim. It was obvious that her trouble with men was stemming from her own bad taste in them.
-Derek was enjoying a day dream of the girl living in a trailer park with a pregnant belly hanging out while her numerous other children screamed and whined, when someone called out his name.
-Derek turned around to see Beck waving to him as he came over. "Dude, you like panties too?" he asked excitedly.
-"Um...no," Derek answered. "I'm here with my mom to get my sister something for her birthday...why are you here?"
-"I got a coupon for a free pair of panties!" he said, grabbing a pair and sniffing it. "I told Melony I would get her a pair too, she can't keep her hands off of me."
-"Ok, wait a second," Derek said, trying to make sense of Beck's ramblings. "Melony dumped Vince...to go out with you? And you're here to get her a pair of underwear?"
-"No dude, she didn't dump Vince. She's just dating him because he gives her money, and I'm here to get two pairs of underwear. One for Melony, and one for collection."
-"Collection?" Derek asked with a sense of foreboding.
-"Yeah," Beck answered enthusiastically. "I'm up to forty two pairs. Most I stole from old girlfriends, but I buy them when I get a good deal."
-Derek was desperately trying to think of a way to get out of the conversation when his mother handed him the bags and beckoned him to follow her out of the store. Beck waved goodbye, and Derek gave a half hearted response; he had never been so happy to carry shopping bags.
-His mother dragged Derek around to a few more stores before they went to the cafeteria for a snack. Derek had to get up to get their meals, and while he was waiting in line, Steve came up to him with a smile on his face.
-"Dude, you'll never believe this!" Steve cried excitedly.
-Derek blinked in surprise; he hadn't expected to see a coworker at the mall, and he was also confused at the boy's rapid emotional recovery since Steve's girlfriend had killed herself less than a week earlier.
-"I was just sitting here by myself," Steve continued, "thinking about my ex, when this cute girl sat down and said I looked lonely. I told her what happened and she invited me over to sit with her friends, four other hot girls, and they love me!"
-Derek eyed Steve suspiciously before responding, "Did a box fall on your head at work?"
-"No dude, they are right over there." Steve pointed to five attractive girls sitting at a table and looking at them. "I told them about you and they want to talk to you too, so come and join us."
-Derek looked back and forth between Steve and the girls. The irony sickened him to no end. "Sorry, but I'm here with my mother, so I can't."
-Steve was disappointed, and surprised, but he wished Derek well and went back to sit with the girls. Derek looked at them longingly before getting the food and going back to sit with his mother. As soon as he sat down, he heard the girls giggle, and he knew that they were laughing at him.
-Derek and his mother got home shortly before he had to go to work. Derek tried to go downstairs to end his misery while he still had the chance, but the phone rang and his mother told Derek that it was for him.
-Derek answered the phone and was surprised to hear Steve's voice. "Hey dude, my car broke down, so I need a lift. You remember where I live, right?"
-Derek did remember; he had driven Steve home once before. He tapped his fingers on the phone while trying to decide what to do. His great egress was waiting just downstairs, but a coworker and friend needed his help.
-"...I'll come get you," Derek answered with a sigh.
-A half hour later, Derek and Steve drove into the parking lot. Steve pointed out an open parking space close to the entrance, and Derek went for it. He pulled into the spot, and another car drove past. Apparently the driver had been vying for the same spot.
-Steve laughed at the other driver's misfortune as the car was forced to pick a spot much farther away. Derek shrugged and thought nothing of it. The two of them went into the building, and Derek made his way to the break room where he would wait until it was time to start.
-He hadn't been sitting long when the union representative, a short woman who was nowhere to be found when Derek needed her help, came up to him with a middle aged woman and asked, "Derek, did you steal this woman's parking space?"
-"...I wasn't aware that we had designated parking spaces." Derek answered, already aware that the conversation wasn't going to end in his favor.
-"We don't," she said, "we also don't cut people off in the parking lot and drive recklessly. Now apologize to Mrs. Frits and take care not to do it again."
-"Are you fucking kidding me?" Derek asked in disbelief. "I was driving ten miles an hour, if that and I didn't even notice her car until I had already pulled into the empty parking spot."
-"I might be inclined to believe that," she said. "If Steve hadn't already told me that you were laughing about denying Mrs. Frits her spot and making her walk all the way across the parking lot. Now apologize."
-Derek sighed, shaking his head. He wasn't sure what made him angrier, the fact that they were on his case over something so stupid, or that Steve sold him out. He looked at the woman who he had apparently offended and said, "Ok. I'm sorry that you're a seriously disturbed individual with delusions of entitlement, bouts of paranoia and a stalker complex made obvious by the fact that the only way you could know that that was my car was to follow Steve into the building."
-Mrs. Frits' eyes flared with anger, and she stormed off. The union rep. watched the woman leave, and then looked back at Derek. "This isn't over!" she declared as she went after the woman.
-Derek chuckled to himself; with any luck, everything would be over once he got home.
-Derek went to work without much of a problem. He got stuck working in a truck that wasn't backed up all the way to the platform, so there was a foot gap that he had to watch out for. Several small boxes fell on his head, which wasn't anything unusual, and an ereg fell on his foot.
-After that, he and Vince started unloading a truck that was loaded to the ceiling. The two of them worked the truck without any problem. They were at the very last wall of boxes when they both heard someone calling to them from the opposite end.
-"Wouldn't that be easier with a load stand?" the voice asked.
-"No!" Derek called back, irritated by the question.
-A few seconds later Derek heard something fall behind him. He turned around to see a man with grey hair and a business suit standing with a load stand in front of him. Derek knew the man was John, the safety representative for the building. He told Derek to use the load stand in accordance with safety procedures, and then he berated Derek for refusing to use it in the first place.
-Never being one to bend over for management, Derek proceeded to argue that the load stands were dangerous, and he didn't want to use it. Unfortunately for Derek, john pulled rank and forced him to use the yellow stepping stool, and then wrote him up for not following safety procedures.
-Derek reluctantly used the load stand, and was knocked right off of it when several heavy packages fell, slamming into his chest. Derek landed on a small box which hurt his back, and as he groaned in pain, he looked at the open end of the truck to see that john was nowhere in sight.
-Derek shook his head as he got to his feet and said, "It fucking figures."
-Vince helped Derek up and told him that he should just nod and say yes whenever a manager told him to do something. Derek hated that kind of attitude; being subservient was so distasteful, but it wasn't as if he could win an argument with one of the boss monkeys.
-The night was winding down, and Derek was putting tubes into totes, so they could go up the belt without getting stuck. The tubes weighed less than two pounds, so Derek didn't bother bending all the way down with his knees like he was supposed to. When he sent the final package up, he stretched his arms and straightened out his back.
-"Now what's wrong with this picture?" an eerily familiar voice asked.
-With a sense of doom, Derek slowly turned to see the safety rep. looking at him once again. The white haired man shot Derek a smile. It was the same fake smile that all management personnel always gave him when they were about to belittle, criticize or reprimand him.
-"Derek, can you state the eight points of proper lifting and lowering?"
-Derek sighed and answered the question, even going so far as to provide a demonstration. "Stand with feet shoulder length apart, one slightly in front of the other. Bend down at the knees. Grasp the package at opposite, diagonal corners. Test the weight of the package. Bring it into your power zone. Stand up while keeping your back straight. Step, don't pivot while moving."
-"Very good," John said. "But you forget to get close to the package."
-Derek stopped himself from pointing out that he would have to be close to the package to grab the thing, and that stating it was an idiotic redundancy that Derek, and every other employee, found insulting.
-"Now when you bend down, you are lifting with your back. That's why your back is sore. If you would work smarter instead of harder, you might not complain so much."
-Derek clenched his fist, but held his tongue. Two arguments with the boss-monkeys per day were enough. He shot john a bullshit smile back and said that he would work on it. John walked away, and the day was finally over.
-Derek quickly headed out of the building, eager to ensure that the wretched night would never be repeated. He got into his car and drove off without Steve; the traitor could call one of his new girlfriends to drive him home.
-Derek got home after an uneventful drive. He found that his parents weren't home, probably at the club having a good time. That was fine with Derek since he didn't want them calling the paramedics or treating his wounds to miraculously save his life. He went downstairs and quickly finished his small bomb. Once finished, Derek held the device to his chest, almost lovingly.
-"Alright god, you baby raping, first born murdering, shit eating, son of a cum gurgling COCK WHORE! I'M GOING OUT WITH A BANG, and I'll make another one just for you, AND I'LL SHOVE IT STRAIGHT UP YOUR ASS!"
-Derek pulled the simple trigger on the explosive, and nothing happened. Derek franticly pulled the hand trigger three more times before he looked at it. "...FUCK!" Derek screamed as he tossed the remote away.
-He took a deep breath and remembered that the remote was battery operated; it probably just needed a new one. He left his room and went upstairs to get some new batteries to power his transition. He found some in a drawer in the kitchen and was about to go back downstairs when he heard a loud bang.
-Derek stood still for a long moment; not wanting to believe what he knew had happened. He slowly walked down to his room, as if being led to his mother's grave, and opened the door. There was a circular burn mark on his rug along with debris in the wall. His books and possessions were all damaged from the blast and shrapnel had torn up his bed. There was a foul smell in the air, a mixture of smoke and burnt plastic that made Derek's eyes water.
-All Derek could say while wondering how he would explain things to his parents was, "...shit."
-"...I'm combining combustible compounds with the intention of shedding my mortal coil in the hopes that I may cease my discontent and possibly even face my antagonist with the intention of avenging myself upon him."
-There was a long pause before his mother responded, "Ok, be careful." He heard her walk away and, after briefly considering that he might have been adopted, he went back to work. He had almost finished when his mother called down to him again. "Derek, we're going to the mall, so get your shoes on."
-Derek looked down at his almost finished bomb before answering, "Can it wait just a few minutes?"
-Twenty minutes later, Derek found himself walking in the mall with his mother towing him around from store to store. His sister's birthday was coming up, and his mother wanted to get the shopping done for her. Unfortunately for Derek, he was always drafted to be the pack mule.
-Derek ended up standing in the middle of female underwear in a lingerie store, wondering why god hated him so much, when he noticed a small group of people standing in front of the store. Normally he tried very hard not to pay attention to the people in the mall due to a misunderstanding with a gang of punks that had nearly resulted in a riot, but he recognized one of the girls in the group.
-Derek moved a little closer to get a better look and realized it was the girl that had complained about her difficulty in finding a decent boyfriend. The boy she was talking to turned towards Derek, and Derek nearly laughed out loud when he saw who it was. Smiling and flirting with the girl who was tired of dating assholes, was Larry, the biggest asshole of them all.
-Larry was notorious for seducing any girl dumb enough to fall for his lies and false flattery, and then treating them like total shit once had slept with them. As soon as he tired of them, he would dump them and move on to his next conquest.
-Derek knew all of this because Larry sat in front of him during Spanish class where he bragged to his friends about his girlfriends' assets. Derek despised the bastard, especially since he was often the recipient of Larry's verbal abuse in school.
-Derek didn't know who to hate more, Larry for being such a pig, or the women who were naïve enough to buy his bullshit. One thing was for sure, he wouldn't be having any sympathy for Larry's latest victim. It was obvious that her trouble with men was stemming from her own bad taste in them.
-Derek was enjoying a day dream of the girl living in a trailer park with a pregnant belly hanging out while her numerous other children screamed and whined, when someone called out his name.
-Derek turned around to see Beck waving to him as he came over. "Dude, you like panties too?" he asked excitedly.
-"Um...no," Derek answered. "I'm here with my mom to get my sister something for her birthday...why are you here?"
-"I got a coupon for a free pair of panties!" he said, grabbing a pair and sniffing it. "I told Melony I would get her a pair too, she can't keep her hands off of me."
-"Ok, wait a second," Derek said, trying to make sense of Beck's ramblings. "Melony dumped Vince...to go out with you? And you're here to get her a pair of underwear?"
-"No dude, she didn't dump Vince. She's just dating him because he gives her money, and I'm here to get two pairs of underwear. One for Melony, and one for collection."
-"Collection?" Derek asked with a sense of foreboding.
-"Yeah," Beck answered enthusiastically. "I'm up to forty two pairs. Most I stole from old girlfriends, but I buy them when I get a good deal."
-Derek was desperately trying to think of a way to get out of the conversation when his mother handed him the bags and beckoned him to follow her out of the store. Beck waved goodbye, and Derek gave a half hearted response; he had never been so happy to carry shopping bags.
-His mother dragged Derek around to a few more stores before they went to the cafeteria for a snack. Derek had to get up to get their meals, and while he was waiting in line, Steve came up to him with a smile on his face.
-"Dude, you'll never believe this!" Steve cried excitedly.
-Derek blinked in surprise; he hadn't expected to see a coworker at the mall, and he was also confused at the boy's rapid emotional recovery since Steve's girlfriend had killed herself less than a week earlier.
-"I was just sitting here by myself," Steve continued, "thinking about my ex, when this cute girl sat down and said I looked lonely. I told her what happened and she invited me over to sit with her friends, four other hot girls, and they love me!"
-Derek eyed Steve suspiciously before responding, "Did a box fall on your head at work?"
-"No dude, they are right over there." Steve pointed to five attractive girls sitting at a table and looking at them. "I told them about you and they want to talk to you too, so come and join us."
-Derek looked back and forth between Steve and the girls. The irony sickened him to no end. "Sorry, but I'm here with my mother, so I can't."
-Steve was disappointed, and surprised, but he wished Derek well and went back to sit with the girls. Derek looked at them longingly before getting the food and going back to sit with his mother. As soon as he sat down, he heard the girls giggle, and he knew that they were laughing at him.
-Derek and his mother got home shortly before he had to go to work. Derek tried to go downstairs to end his misery while he still had the chance, but the phone rang and his mother told Derek that it was for him.
-Derek answered the phone and was surprised to hear Steve's voice. "Hey dude, my car broke down, so I need a lift. You remember where I live, right?"
-Derek did remember; he had driven Steve home once before. He tapped his fingers on the phone while trying to decide what to do. His great egress was waiting just downstairs, but a coworker and friend needed his help.
-"...I'll come get you," Derek answered with a sigh.
-A half hour later, Derek and Steve drove into the parking lot. Steve pointed out an open parking space close to the entrance, and Derek went for it. He pulled into the spot, and another car drove past. Apparently the driver had been vying for the same spot.
-Steve laughed at the other driver's misfortune as the car was forced to pick a spot much farther away. Derek shrugged and thought nothing of it. The two of them went into the building, and Derek made his way to the break room where he would wait until it was time to start.
-He hadn't been sitting long when the union representative, a short woman who was nowhere to be found when Derek needed her help, came up to him with a middle aged woman and asked, "Derek, did you steal this woman's parking space?"
-"...I wasn't aware that we had designated parking spaces." Derek answered, already aware that the conversation wasn't going to end in his favor.
-"We don't," she said, "we also don't cut people off in the parking lot and drive recklessly. Now apologize to Mrs. Frits and take care not to do it again."
-"Are you fucking kidding me?" Derek asked in disbelief. "I was driving ten miles an hour, if that and I didn't even notice her car until I had already pulled into the empty parking spot."
-"I might be inclined to believe that," she said. "If Steve hadn't already told me that you were laughing about denying Mrs. Frits her spot and making her walk all the way across the parking lot. Now apologize."
-Derek sighed, shaking his head. He wasn't sure what made him angrier, the fact that they were on his case over something so stupid, or that Steve sold him out. He looked at the woman who he had apparently offended and said, "Ok. I'm sorry that you're a seriously disturbed individual with delusions of entitlement, bouts of paranoia and a stalker complex made obvious by the fact that the only way you could know that that was my car was to follow Steve into the building."
-Mrs. Frits' eyes flared with anger, and she stormed off. The union rep. watched the woman leave, and then looked back at Derek. "This isn't over!" she declared as she went after the woman.
-Derek chuckled to himself; with any luck, everything would be over once he got home.
-Derek went to work without much of a problem. He got stuck working in a truck that wasn't backed up all the way to the platform, so there was a foot gap that he had to watch out for. Several small boxes fell on his head, which wasn't anything unusual, and an ereg fell on his foot.
-After that, he and Vince started unloading a truck that was loaded to the ceiling. The two of them worked the truck without any problem. They were at the very last wall of boxes when they both heard someone calling to them from the opposite end.
-"Wouldn't that be easier with a load stand?" the voice asked.
-"No!" Derek called back, irritated by the question.
-A few seconds later Derek heard something fall behind him. He turned around to see a man with grey hair and a business suit standing with a load stand in front of him. Derek knew the man was John, the safety representative for the building. He told Derek to use the load stand in accordance with safety procedures, and then he berated Derek for refusing to use it in the first place.
-Never being one to bend over for management, Derek proceeded to argue that the load stands were dangerous, and he didn't want to use it. Unfortunately for Derek, john pulled rank and forced him to use the yellow stepping stool, and then wrote him up for not following safety procedures.
-Derek reluctantly used the load stand, and was knocked right off of it when several heavy packages fell, slamming into his chest. Derek landed on a small box which hurt his back, and as he groaned in pain, he looked at the open end of the truck to see that john was nowhere in sight.
-Derek shook his head as he got to his feet and said, "It fucking figures."
-Vince helped Derek up and told him that he should just nod and say yes whenever a manager told him to do something. Derek hated that kind of attitude; being subservient was so distasteful, but it wasn't as if he could win an argument with one of the boss monkeys.
-The night was winding down, and Derek was putting tubes into totes, so they could go up the belt without getting stuck. The tubes weighed less than two pounds, so Derek didn't bother bending all the way down with his knees like he was supposed to. When he sent the final package up, he stretched his arms and straightened out his back.
-"Now what's wrong with this picture?" an eerily familiar voice asked.
-With a sense of doom, Derek slowly turned to see the safety rep. looking at him once again. The white haired man shot Derek a smile. It was the same fake smile that all management personnel always gave him when they were about to belittle, criticize or reprimand him.
-"Derek, can you state the eight points of proper lifting and lowering?"
-Derek sighed and answered the question, even going so far as to provide a demonstration. "Stand with feet shoulder length apart, one slightly in front of the other. Bend down at the knees. Grasp the package at opposite, diagonal corners. Test the weight of the package. Bring it into your power zone. Stand up while keeping your back straight. Step, don't pivot while moving."
-"Very good," John said. "But you forget to get close to the package."
-Derek stopped himself from pointing out that he would have to be close to the package to grab the thing, and that stating it was an idiotic redundancy that Derek, and every other employee, found insulting.
-"Now when you bend down, you are lifting with your back. That's why your back is sore. If you would work smarter instead of harder, you might not complain so much."
-Derek clenched his fist, but held his tongue. Two arguments with the boss-monkeys per day were enough. He shot john a bullshit smile back and said that he would work on it. John walked away, and the day was finally over.
-Derek quickly headed out of the building, eager to ensure that the wretched night would never be repeated. He got into his car and drove off without Steve; the traitor could call one of his new girlfriends to drive him home.
-Derek got home after an uneventful drive. He found that his parents weren't home, probably at the club having a good time. That was fine with Derek since he didn't want them calling the paramedics or treating his wounds to miraculously save his life. He went downstairs and quickly finished his small bomb. Once finished, Derek held the device to his chest, almost lovingly.
-"Alright god, you baby raping, first born murdering, shit eating, son of a cum gurgling COCK WHORE! I'M GOING OUT WITH A BANG, and I'll make another one just for you, AND I'LL SHOVE IT STRAIGHT UP YOUR ASS!"
-Derek pulled the simple trigger on the explosive, and nothing happened. Derek franticly pulled the hand trigger three more times before he looked at it. "...FUCK!" Derek screamed as he tossed the remote away.
-He took a deep breath and remembered that the remote was battery operated; it probably just needed a new one. He left his room and went upstairs to get some new batteries to power his transition. He found some in a drawer in the kitchen and was about to go back downstairs when he heard a loud bang.
-Derek stood still for a long moment; not wanting to believe what he knew had happened. He slowly walked down to his room, as if being led to his mother's grave, and opened the door. There was a circular burn mark on his rug along with debris in the wall. His books and possessions were all damaged from the blast and shrapnel had torn up his bed. There was a foul smell in the air, a mixture of smoke and burnt plastic that made Derek's eyes water.
-All Derek could say while wondering how he would explain things to his parents was, "...shit."
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