Categories > Original > Humor > The Suicidal Immortal 2


by Togot 1 review

Ever have a day where everything goes wrong? For Derek that is every day and he wants to end it. There's just one problem, it seems that he can't

Category: Humor - Rating: R - Genres: Humor, Sci-fi - Warnings: [V] - Published: 2007-03-12 - Updated: 2007-03-12 - 2657 words

-Derek sat indifferently in the classroom. Larry was laughing with two of his lackeys at the desk in front of him. It wasn't that Derek was eavesdropping on them, but rather that the idiots were talking so loudly that he couldn't help but overhear. As expected, Larry was talking about the breast size of his new girlfriend. He made several comments about how stupid and gullible the girl was and even made a bet with his friends on how long it would take for him to get into the girl's pants.

-Derek allowed himself a quick smile as he daydreamed about recording the conversation and playing it for the girl just to see the look on her face. Unfortunately, Derek was far too lazy to go that far just to destroy someone's perception of reality, no matter how amusing it would be. Instead, he kept to his schoolwork; the girl would figure it out sooner or later. Derek only hoped that he could be there when it happened.

-Class was dismissed, and Derek closed his binder, pausing momentarily to look at the burn mark on it. His last attempt to end his life had cost him a lot of his earthly possessions.

-Derek was making his way to his next class when he passed one of the doors at the ground level of the stairway. Someone was urgently banging on the door, and Derek was in a charitable mood, so he decided to open it. The moment he did, a black skinned boy that Derek knew as Tony rushed through, thanking Derek as he ran away.

-Derek shrugged, perplexed by Tony's haste. He turned to leave, but there was another urgent knock on the door. Derek put two and two together and determined that Tony had been running from someone who wanted to kick his ass. Derek smiled, thinking that he was about to be treated to some entertainment as he opened the door. Instead, he was grabbed and pinned up against the wall with his arms behind his back.

-Ten minutes later, Derek found himself sitting in the office with handcuffs on. The officer that had put them on Derek stood near the door, looking down at Derek with a cocky expression. The principal came out of her office and froze when she saw Derek. His freshmen year, Derek had been the victim of constant harassment at the hands of his classmates and the faculty; that was until he threatened to sue the school. After that, the principal had left him alone, and now he was sitting in the office with handcuffs on and a very unhappy look on his face.

-"D-Derek, what are you doing here?" she asked, apprehension in her voice.

-"Ask officer dip-shit over there," Derek answered, "And then get me the FUCK OUT OF THESE HANDCUFFS!"

-The officer stepped forward and explained himself. "I spotted a boy smoking marihuana outside and chased him into the building. When I caught him, I brought him here."

-"DO I LOOK BLACK!?" Derek yelled. "Do you smell weed on me you jackass? The kid you're looking for is Tony, I opened the door when he was banging on it, and he ran off. If I were the one you were chasing, WHY THE FUCK WOULD I LET YOU INTO THE BUILDING?"

-The officer had no answer to the question, and the principal promptly ordered the man to let Derek go. She tried to apologize for the inconvenience and asked if Derek would show the office who Tony was so that he might be arrested.

-Derek thought for a moment and asked why he should help them after they had humiliated him in such a way, and hinted that he might seek legal council over the incident. It wasn't that he wanted to protect Tony; in fact he wanted nothing more than to see the little bastard pay, but Derek knew an opportunity when he saw one.

-"Well Derek, what do you want?" the principal asked wearily

-"I already have all the credits I need to graduate this year," Derek explained. "I want to finish the year as Mr. Hendrickson's assistant in place of gym class."

-The principal seemed hesitant to grant such an odd request. "Derek, driver's ed. teachers don't normally have teacher assistants."

-"It's either that, or I call me mom and tell her I was in handcuffs today. Besides, we both know that Hendrickson needs all the help he can get."

-It was true that Mr. Hendrickson was overworked, underpaid, and totally stressed out to the breaking point. In his fifteen years of teaching drivers education, the man had been in thirty-four car accidents, all caused by student drivers. Most of them had been minor fender benders, but it had turned the man into a nervous wreck.

-The principal gave her consent, but only if Mr. Hendrickson agreed to it. Satisfied by the agreement, Derek gave the officer Tony's last name and went on his way.

-Derek had no doubt that the teacher would agree to the arrangement; Derek was one of the only students that the man actually liked, and Hendrickson was the only teacher that Derek respected. Hendrickson didn't hesitate to tear into any student who wasn't paying attention in class, and he had been the only teacher to ever take Derek's side in a confrontation.

-Thanks to the whole getting handcuffed incident, Derek had missed most of his next class, so he made his way to Mr. Hendrickson's office to give the man the good news, since it was going to be his next class anyway.

-Derek opened the door to Mr. Hendrickson's office to find the white-haired man standing with his back to the doorway. Derek smiled mischievously as he walked up behind the man unnoticed. Derek was always able to sneak up on people, even when he wasn't trying to. He stood directly behind the teacher, smiling with anticipation of what was about to happen.

-Mr. Hendrickson turned around and yelled out in surprise, stumbling back into his desk and reach up to grab at his chest as if trying to stave off a heart attack. He glared at Derek with frustrated rage before scolding the boy. "Damn it would you stop doing that!"

-Derek chuckled and explained the situation. Mr. Hendrickson scoffed at the idea, but he didn't say no. He gave Derek some papers to grade and poured himself a cup of black coffee. After he chugged the glass with an unsteady hand, he let out a yell of frustration and anger that startled Derek.

-"I really need to relax," Hendrickson explained as he reached into his pocket and took out a bottle. He poured a large white pill into his palm and gulped one of them down, noticing Derek's quizzical look. "Tranquilizers, the kind they use on horses; really takes the edge off."

-Derek smiled and shook his head; after dealing with teenagers for so long, it was no wonder that the man needed some help to get through the day.

-Mr. Hendrickson got up to greet his students as they began to fill the room. Derek didn't pay much attention them, but one of the students did catch his eye: Larry's new girlfriend.

-Once the students had been seated, Mr. Hendrickson began to speak to them in his strained, angry voice. "Alright you little bastards LISTEN UP! Today we start actual driving, and you had better not screw up. As you all know, I make it my personal mission every year to fail as many of you little morons as I possibly can to try and make the world a better place. I've seen every stupid mistake known to god while in the passenger seat. I've seen some of the dumbest answers on the drivers test from the most brain dead retards on the face of this screwed up earth. I've BEEN in more car accidents than you've SEEN on any police chase TV special!"

-Mr. Hendrickson continued to insult and threaten his students for several more minutes. Recounting acts of idiocy, blaming irresponsible teenagers for turning his hair white, and informing a boy who chuckled that he might as well leave the room because he just failed the class. He also indicated the list of answers to the drivers test questions that he had pinned on the bulletin board to show the kind of morons that the students would be encountering on the open road. Derek's favorite was an answer to the question of who had the right of way at a four way stop. The answer one student put had been, "the person with the largest truck."

-"And I swear to al almighty Christ," Hendrickson continued, "that if one of you jack-asses mistakes the cruise control for auto pilot on the freeway, I'LL KICK YOU RIGHT OUT OF THE DAMN CAR!"

-Derek chuckled, remembering the same speech when he had taken the class. He saw several students snicker with amusement, not believing the conviction of the teacher. Derek shook his head and smiled to himself, knowing from experience just how wrong they were. He remembered when he had been in the backseat, and Mr. Hendrickson had slapped the hand of the goy who had been driving when the kid changed lanes too quickly.

-Mr. Hendrickson read off two names and told them to follow him out to the car. Much to Derek's surprise, Hendrickson told him to come along for the ride. The other driver instructor taught the class in Hendrickson's absence, and the four of them made their way down the hall and into the car.

-"Well Derek, you wanted to be my assistant, so now is your chance. I'll ride up front with the first one. When we switch places, it'll be your turn."

-As Derek got into the backseat, he noticed for the first time that one of the students was Larry's new girlfriend. She got in the backseat next to him, recognizing him with surprise. Derek let out a sigh; it was going to be a long drive.

-They hadn't been driving long before the girl proudly told him of how she had managed to find a good looking, decent boyfriend. "As if I would ever go out with those losers you pointed out," she declared.

-Derek couldn't resist any longer. "Yeah I know; you're a much better judge of character. I should know; I sit behind Larry in my Spanish class where I got to hear him tell his buddies about how big your boobs are. He also bet them that he could get into your pants by the end of the week. Congratulations on winning the stupid whore game, your reward is a healthy helping of shattered self delusion, and a big heap of shame; enjoy."

-The girl stared at Derek in disbelief. She knew that he had to be telling the truth because she hadn't told him Larry's name. She began to try and understand why Larry would have said those things, being too dense to figure it out herself. Then she cried for several minutes, called all men pigs, and finally began to interrogate Derek about Larry's meaning, hoping that there had been a misunderstanding.

-For the remainder of the first part of the trip, Derek got to enjoy the girl's whining, combined with Mr. Hendrickson's constant belittling of the driver. "For the love of ass-raping Moses!" Hendrickson screamed, "are you trying to kill us, or are you really that incredibly stupid?"

-At long last Mr. Hendrickson told the boy to pull the car over to the curb, and it was the girl's chance to drive with Derek up front with her. Derek thought it strange that the teacher would entrust him to sit up front with the girl, but then again Mr. Hendrickson was a very eccentric teacher. Hendrickson sat lazily in the back seat. He let out a contented sigh of relief, and Derek finally understood that the man didn't want the stress of being behind the windshield and seeing what was going on.

-The girl continued to ask Derek questions about what Larry had said and seemed to be hoping that he was joking, but he remained adamant that Larry was a bastard that had done exactly as he had told her. It was obvious that the girl wasn't paying attention to her driving when she was in a left turn lane at a stoplight and tried to go straight.

-"If you could try to NOT get us killed, that would be great," Derek said in an indifferent tone. He didn't really care if she got him killed or not, but there were other people in the car to consider. Surprisingly, Mr. Hendrickson didn't even seem to notice what was happening. He just sat lazily in the back seat with his head upturned and his eyes closed, as if he were sleeping. The boy, however, was becoming increasingly nervous. Not that Derek cared; he knew that the boy was an ass who had once tried to set Derek's arm on fire with a spray can and a lighter.

-The girl stopped probing Derek for a flaw in his story and began to accept the truth, which Derek found even more annoying. "I just don't understand," she said in despair. "He's such a nice guy, and he always knows the right thing to say."

-"He says what he knows you want to hear," Derek interjected. They turned a corner and began to cross an overpass.

-"But...but he's such a hottie. You're just jealous because you know no girl would ever want to go out with you!"

-"THAT'S IT!" Derek yelled as he reached over to grab the steering wheel. He jerked it hard to the left, and the girl screamed as the car headed for the edge of the road. Due to her inexperience, she pushed her foot down on the gas pedal rather than move it over to the brake, and the car plowed right through the concrete barrier. Everyone screamed as the car flew through the air before angling downward to start its decent.

-Derek found himself standing in a foggy area surrounded by mist. He looked around, trying to figure out what was going on. One moment he had been in a car plummeting to earth, and now he was in some surreal landscape.

-"Am I...finally dead?" he asked himself.

-"I am, thanks to you."

-Derek turned to see Mr. Hendrickson, looking much more relaxed, standing with him in the misty area. The man had a friendly smile on his face for someone who just accused his company of being responsible for his murder. He waved to Derek as he walked over.

-"Both the other students and I were killed when the car hit the ground," Hendrickson explained. "But don't look so glum. I actually got into heaven, and I gotta tellya', it's great: I'm not stressed anymore, I don't have to deal with stupid kids, and best of all, THERE ARE NO CARS! Apparently teaching the little bastards all my life earned me some points with god. Oh, speaking of which, he has a message for you. He says, tough shit."

-Derek sat up wide eyed in the middle of the street. Somehow he had been thrown clear of the wreckage that was visible a few feet away. Derek could tell at a glance that everyone else was dead. He shook his head in despair as anger overtook him.


-A crowd began to gather around as Derek continued to rant. He heard them whisper that they thought he was suffering from survivor's guilt and that the people killed in the crash were probably good friends of his. All Derek could think was, " looks like Larry's going to lose that bet."
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