Categories > Original > Humor > The Suicidal Immortal 2
-Derek wondered what the hell he was thinking as he walked down the aisle. To think that he had been reduced to this, but Derek was getting desperate. He took a deep breath and let out a sigh; he just wanted to get it over with. He opened the wooden door, got in and sat down. The little slat beside him slid to the side, and Derek mumbled, "Hello...Father."
-"Bless you my son," the priest said. "Have you sins to confess?"
-"...Does cussing out god and threatening to torture and kill him count as a sin?" Derek asked.
-There was a long pause before the priest responded: "I'm sure god will forgive any transgression if you atone."
-"Well I guess I'll work my way back then, seeing as how this is my first time ever doing this." Derek said. He took a deep breath, knowing it would be a long day.
-"Let's see...well I killed three people last week. Two of them were assholes, but Mr. Hendrickson didn't deserve it...then again maybe he did; the police found more drugs at his house than a pharmacy, so maybe I did him a favor."
-"...You killed three people?" The priest asked, obviously unsettled.
-"Well not intentionally," Derek explained. "We were in a car doing a driver test thing and the girl driving was driving me nuts so I grabbed the wheel and we went off an overpass. I was trying to kill myself again, but I lived and everyone else died. I guess it was kinda impulsive of me, I should have waited till I was in a car alone or something, but she just kept TALKING."
-"You were trying to kill yourself...again?"
-"Yeah, that makes...um...thirteen times I think. Damn, has it really been that many? Anyway, I'll get to that later. Where was I? Oh yeah, I killed the three people, two of them were douche bags, so I don't feel bad about them, but Hendrickson was a nice guy."
-"Why don't you try to start from the beginning?" the priest offered. "It may help to explain how you came to this point in your life."
-"Well ok, I think it all started when I was five. My mom dragged me to a church thing on Sunday. I was bored, so I went outside to play. There was this tractor on a hill that I was playing with; there weren't any keys in it. I was messing around with the hitch when I pulled the pin out, and the trailer rolled down the street where it slammed into the side of a bus...full of nuns. They got out and started yelling at me. That reminds me; are nuns aloud to call kids bastards? That should be a sin or something shouldn't it. One of them, a big fat one, even threw a little wooden cross at me and called me the antichrist."
-"I remember that incident. Wait...that was you?" the priest asked.
-"Yeah. Then there was the time I was at the store with my mom when I was eight. I grabbed an apple from the produce section, and the rest of the apples spilled out onto the floor. An older lady stepped on one, fell down, and broke her hip. Then when I was twelve, there was a forth of July thing going on, and I bumped into a guy who was smoking. His cigarette fell into a box of fireworks and they started going off. A bottle rocket hit the guy who was putting lighter fluid in the grill and he got set on fire. He ran into the pond to put himself out, so his burns weren't too bad."
-"Well, at least it wasn't intentional. Accidents happen, even bad ones."
-"Yeah, then when I was fifteen there was a kid who made me made so I told him that the only reason people like him were ever created was to feed the lions so the rest of us with brains could get on with our day. I guess he took it kinda hard because he killed himself later that day. Looking back on it I can see the irony. And then there was the kid in first grade who threw me into a urinal, so I stabbed him through the knee with my pencil and gave him a limp. Then I put several members of my gym class in the hospital, but they started it. Um...about two years ago I beat this one guy half to death with a metal pipe because he was messing with me and I lost my temper, and..."
-Derek continued to recount a lifetime of unfortunate accidents that caused the people around him grief, and intentional retaliations against those who had done him wrong while the priest listened in disbelief. Derek told him about his several failed suicide attempts and his verbal attacks against his creator which the priest found even more shocking. Derek ended his recount with his most recent sin: stealing a handgun, or more accurately, buying one without consent.
-"Why did you want a gun?" the priest asked.
-"I'll get to that later, but first, am I forgiven for my sins or not?"
-"Well," the priest said reluctantly. "...you don't sound very repentant."
-"What, I have to BE repentant?" Derek asked. "I thought I just had to confess my sins, you forgive them, and I get on with it. Guess I didn't read the fine print."
-"I'm sure that if you ask god for forgiveness with your heart, he will hear you."
-"I'm not asking that steaming puddle of pig piss for forgiveness," Derek spat. "Half of that shit was that cock suckers fault in the first place. I just thought that if did this whole confession thing, I might finally be able to kill myself. That's what I got the damn gun for, and now you're telling me there are strings attached...FUCK!"
-"But suicide is a sin itself, my son," the priest pointed out. "If you kill yourself your soul will be cast into hell."
-"As if I would want to spend eternity hanging out with the sick twisted fuck that made me want to kill myself in the first place," Derek shot back. "OH TO HELL WITH IT!"
-Derek took out the gun that he had obtained and placed it to his temple. "One for me, and the rest I'll empty into your fucking face when I see you, YOU ALMIGHTY ASSHOLE!" He pulled the trigger, and a gunshot rang out.
-Derek growled in pain as his hand covered his burned ear. The gun had exploded in his hand, failing to even break his skin. The priest, however, was screaming as he pushed through to small wooden door of the confession booth. Metal fragments of the gun had flown through the screen that separated the booths and found their way into the old man's face.
-Derek tried to help the old man; he hadn't meat to hurt anyone other than himself; the gun had simply backfired. He reached out a helping hand, but the priest was hysterical and ran from Derek, thinking the boy meant to finish him off. The bald man ran out of the church with Derek following behind. Derek called out a warning to the priest as the old man stumbled into the street. The priest turned around and looked at Derek; it seemed he was calming down. He took one step back towards Derek when a bus came out of nowhere and ran the old man over.
-Derek's jaw dropped in shock as a group of nuns came out of the bus, screaming and crying. Derek caught the eye of a fat nun who looked very familiar. The old woman pointed at Derek with a horrified look on her face and screamed, "It's you; it can't be! You really are the antichrist!"
-Derek was amazed that the woman recognized him after all those years, especially since she had only seen him once. Derek wanted to explain, but quickly realized it was a futile effort. He slumped his shoulders in defeat and looked up to the sky.
-"You got to be FUCKING kidding me you...sick son of a bitch."
-"Bless you my son," the priest said. "Have you sins to confess?"
-"...Does cussing out god and threatening to torture and kill him count as a sin?" Derek asked.
-There was a long pause before the priest responded: "I'm sure god will forgive any transgression if you atone."
-"Well I guess I'll work my way back then, seeing as how this is my first time ever doing this." Derek said. He took a deep breath, knowing it would be a long day.
-"Let's see...well I killed three people last week. Two of them were assholes, but Mr. Hendrickson didn't deserve it...then again maybe he did; the police found more drugs at his house than a pharmacy, so maybe I did him a favor."
-"...You killed three people?" The priest asked, obviously unsettled.
-"Well not intentionally," Derek explained. "We were in a car doing a driver test thing and the girl driving was driving me nuts so I grabbed the wheel and we went off an overpass. I was trying to kill myself again, but I lived and everyone else died. I guess it was kinda impulsive of me, I should have waited till I was in a car alone or something, but she just kept TALKING."
-"You were trying to kill yourself...again?"
-"Yeah, that makes...um...thirteen times I think. Damn, has it really been that many? Anyway, I'll get to that later. Where was I? Oh yeah, I killed the three people, two of them were douche bags, so I don't feel bad about them, but Hendrickson was a nice guy."
-"Why don't you try to start from the beginning?" the priest offered. "It may help to explain how you came to this point in your life."
-"Well ok, I think it all started when I was five. My mom dragged me to a church thing on Sunday. I was bored, so I went outside to play. There was this tractor on a hill that I was playing with; there weren't any keys in it. I was messing around with the hitch when I pulled the pin out, and the trailer rolled down the street where it slammed into the side of a bus...full of nuns. They got out and started yelling at me. That reminds me; are nuns aloud to call kids bastards? That should be a sin or something shouldn't it. One of them, a big fat one, even threw a little wooden cross at me and called me the antichrist."
-"I remember that incident. Wait...that was you?" the priest asked.
-"Yeah. Then there was the time I was at the store with my mom when I was eight. I grabbed an apple from the produce section, and the rest of the apples spilled out onto the floor. An older lady stepped on one, fell down, and broke her hip. Then when I was twelve, there was a forth of July thing going on, and I bumped into a guy who was smoking. His cigarette fell into a box of fireworks and they started going off. A bottle rocket hit the guy who was putting lighter fluid in the grill and he got set on fire. He ran into the pond to put himself out, so his burns weren't too bad."
-"Well, at least it wasn't intentional. Accidents happen, even bad ones."
-"Yeah, then when I was fifteen there was a kid who made me made so I told him that the only reason people like him were ever created was to feed the lions so the rest of us with brains could get on with our day. I guess he took it kinda hard because he killed himself later that day. Looking back on it I can see the irony. And then there was the kid in first grade who threw me into a urinal, so I stabbed him through the knee with my pencil and gave him a limp. Then I put several members of my gym class in the hospital, but they started it. Um...about two years ago I beat this one guy half to death with a metal pipe because he was messing with me and I lost my temper, and..."
-Derek continued to recount a lifetime of unfortunate accidents that caused the people around him grief, and intentional retaliations against those who had done him wrong while the priest listened in disbelief. Derek told him about his several failed suicide attempts and his verbal attacks against his creator which the priest found even more shocking. Derek ended his recount with his most recent sin: stealing a handgun, or more accurately, buying one without consent.
-"Why did you want a gun?" the priest asked.
-"I'll get to that later, but first, am I forgiven for my sins or not?"
-"Well," the priest said reluctantly. "...you don't sound very repentant."
-"What, I have to BE repentant?" Derek asked. "I thought I just had to confess my sins, you forgive them, and I get on with it. Guess I didn't read the fine print."
-"I'm sure that if you ask god for forgiveness with your heart, he will hear you."
-"I'm not asking that steaming puddle of pig piss for forgiveness," Derek spat. "Half of that shit was that cock suckers fault in the first place. I just thought that if did this whole confession thing, I might finally be able to kill myself. That's what I got the damn gun for, and now you're telling me there are strings attached...FUCK!"
-"But suicide is a sin itself, my son," the priest pointed out. "If you kill yourself your soul will be cast into hell."
-"As if I would want to spend eternity hanging out with the sick twisted fuck that made me want to kill myself in the first place," Derek shot back. "OH TO HELL WITH IT!"
-Derek took out the gun that he had obtained and placed it to his temple. "One for me, and the rest I'll empty into your fucking face when I see you, YOU ALMIGHTY ASSHOLE!" He pulled the trigger, and a gunshot rang out.
-Derek growled in pain as his hand covered his burned ear. The gun had exploded in his hand, failing to even break his skin. The priest, however, was screaming as he pushed through to small wooden door of the confession booth. Metal fragments of the gun had flown through the screen that separated the booths and found their way into the old man's face.
-Derek tried to help the old man; he hadn't meat to hurt anyone other than himself; the gun had simply backfired. He reached out a helping hand, but the priest was hysterical and ran from Derek, thinking the boy meant to finish him off. The bald man ran out of the church with Derek following behind. Derek called out a warning to the priest as the old man stumbled into the street. The priest turned around and looked at Derek; it seemed he was calming down. He took one step back towards Derek when a bus came out of nowhere and ran the old man over.
-Derek's jaw dropped in shock as a group of nuns came out of the bus, screaming and crying. Derek caught the eye of a fat nun who looked very familiar. The old woman pointed at Derek with a horrified look on her face and screamed, "It's you; it can't be! You really are the antichrist!"
-Derek was amazed that the woman recognized him after all those years, especially since she had only seen him once. Derek wanted to explain, but quickly realized it was a futile effort. He slumped his shoulders in defeat and looked up to the sky.
-"You got to be FUCKING kidding me you...sick son of a bitch."
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