Categories > Original > Humor > The Suicidal Immortal 2


by Togot 1 review

Ever have a day where everything goes wrong? For Derek that is every day and he wants to end it. There's just one problem, it seems that he can't

Category: Humor - Rating: R - Genres: Humor, Sci-fi - Warnings: [V] - Published: 2007-05-14 - Updated: 2007-05-15 - 2591 words

-Derek opened his eyes and immediately realized that something was terribly wrong. His mind couldn't focus, and his head was spinning. His room felt like a sauna, and his stomach wasn't very happy about it. Derek's bed was soaked with the sweat that was pouring from his pores. Derek rolled out of his bed, dropping to the floor. He picked himself up despite the disorientation he was feeling and escaped the overwhelming heat of his room, making his way to the bathroom where he puked in the toilet before passing out on the cool tiled floor.

-When Derek opened his eyes again, it was to the sound of his mother calling out to him. He still felt like shit, but he wasn't as nauseous as he had been when he had woken up. He took a quick, cold shower and got ready for school. Before leaving, Derek wanted to figure out why his room had tried to cook him. After some investigation, he found that someone had messed with the heating vent in his room.

-"Mom," Derek called out. "Did you take the metal plate off of the air vent in my room?"

-"Yes Hun," she answered. "I was cleaning your room the other day and I noticed it was blocking the airflow, so I moved it."

-"...Right," Derek said as he went into the back room to print out his homework. He had stayed up until two in the morning the previous night to finish the essay. He brought it up, clicked the print button, and nothing happened. Derek double checked to make sure the printer was plugged in and turned on, but the computer wouldn't print his essay. Thinking nothing of it, Derek shrugged and decided to e-mail it to himself, so he could print it out at school. When Derek tried to get online, however, he discovered that his computer no longer had Internet access.

-Derek rapped his fingers on the table as he came up with another, more tedious option. He attempted to put the essay onto a cd that he could carry to school, but he found that his disc drives were no longer being recognized by the computer. Next he tried to put it on a flash drive only to discover that the computer wasn't recognizing his USB ports either. With growing frustration, Derek tried the only option left, the floppy disk drive. Much to his relief, it worked. With his homework in hand, he left for school.

-When Derek got to school, he went to the computer lab and loaded up his floppy disk. He smiled to himself, proud that he had found a way around the obstacle. The smile was ripped off his face when his six page essay turned into fifty-four pages of illegible code. Derek stared at the screen for a long time, trying to figure out what happened. He tinkered around with the computer for several minutes, but to no avail.

-Derek made it to lunch without further incident. He was sitting down, trying to eat, when he noticed a sudden pain in his jaw. Every time he tried to open it wide enough to take a bite of his sandwich, he heard bone crunching and felt a sharp pain that made eating his food unbearable. He sighed in defeat and pushed his meal away.

-A moment later, Stacy sat down across from him and knocked his sandwich to the floor with a swipe of her hand. Derek cocked an eyebrow, almost amused by her intended insult since he wasn't going to eat it anyway. The girl glared at him with fury in her eyes, though Derek couldn't figure out why.

-"You little shit!" Stacy spat at him. "You killed my boyfriend."

-Derek thought for a moment and then looked back at her with understanding as he asked, "The guy in the back seat of the car?" He hadn't given the boy much thought since he was just along for the ride, but Derek hadn't known the boy had been Stacy's boyfriend. If Derek had known, he would have taken more satisfaction in the kid's death.

-"Yes, the boy in the car; the car you crashed!" Stacy yelled.

-"In my defense, I wasn't the one driving," Derek explained.

-"You're the only one who lived! You expect me to believe that's a coincidence? What the hell am I supposed to do for the school dance now? I don't have a date!"

-Derek briefly considered suggesting one of his friends, but quickly put the idea out of his head; he would never subject such nice guys to a girl like Stacy. Instead, he thought of a better idea. "I believe I know a guy who just lost his girlfriend," Derek offered. "Do you know Larry?"

-With a satisfied smile on his face, Derek left the school and went home. His parents were gone, but they had left him a list of things to do before going to work. He read over the list, mostly simple chores, and took care of them. He did the laundry, cleaned up after the dogs, took out the garbage, and put the dishes in the dishwasher. The only thing Derek had left to do was get some groceries, so he went to the store near his house.

-Derek got everything on the list and was just checking out when he swiped his card, only to have it beep at him. Derek gave a questioning look at the cashier as she typed away at her register. When a screen flashed in response, the woman looked at Derek and said, "Insufficient funds."

-"...Huh?" Derek responded. The total was only fifty dollars, and Derek had just deposited a check for over a hundred dollars in his bank. He hadn't bought anything else in that time, so there should have been more than enough in his account, but the cashier double checked and confirmed that his account only had thirty-two dollars in it; the amount he had had before depositing his check.

-After putting everything back, Derek made a trip to the bank, thinking that someone had hacked his account again. Unfortunately this time the story was a little more complicated. Apparently his workplace had rescinded his check for some unknown reason. Derek asked how that was even possible since he had never given his boss his banking information, but the only response he got from the teller was, "you'll have to talk to your work about that."

-Dejected, Derek went back home to find his parents waiting for him. After defending himself against his mother's outrage for him not brining home any groceries, he got ready for work. Before he could leave, his dad called him into the kitchen, offering him the phone. Derek was a little confused since no one ever called him, but he accepted it and put it to his ear.

-Apparently Bev, a girl he worked with, needed a ride into work. Derek had taken her home once before when her ride wasn't able to come and pick her up, so he knew the way. Derek agreed to pick her up, being such a nice guy, and finally left for work. He didn't realize until later that he had forgotten his water bottle.

-Derek pulled up into Bev's driveway and honked his horn. She came out and got in his car. Unfortunately for Derek, Bev wreaked of cigaret smoke. He tried to role down his window to air out the car, but it didn't help much. She thanked him for giving her a ride, and proceeded to compulsively press the button on the talking figurehead that Derek had placed on his dashboard. He had gotten the decoration for Christmas and found it annoying, but he had put it in his car as something to look at while waiting at stop lights.

-They arrived at work, and Derek went up to HR where he confronted a woman about his check. She typed on her computer and then told him that the company had deposited two checks into his account, so they had taken one back. Derek explained that that was impossible since he didn't have direct deposit. He showed her the paperwork from his bank which indicated he had only deposited one check, but all the woman said was that she would put in an inquiry.

-Derek went back down to his area where he saw the safety representative for his area talking with his supervisor, Becky. They both stopped when he approached which meant they had been talking about him for some reason. A few minutes later, Becky told everyone that some idiot had gotten hurt the previous night. Apparently someone in outbound had been loading a truck and couldn't get a box to fit, so he punched it. Unfortunately for him, his had went through the cardboard and was cut up on the glass plates that were inside.

-After laughing at the boy's expense, Derek went to work in his truck. He hadn't unloaded ten boxes when Becky came in and said, "Hey kiddo, we just lost the safety rep for our area; she put in her two weeks, so we need a new one. We asked her who she thought would be the best person for the job, and she said you, so congrats."

-"...Don't I have a say in this?" Derek asked.

-"Oh it's no big deal," Becky explained. "You just have to ask people the safety questions, do JHAs, and keep the first aid kit stocked...and go to the safety meetings every week, collect the tags of overweight bags, retrain anyone who gets hurt in our area, and read weekly PCMs. Thanks a lot."

-Before Derek could object further, Becky walked away, leaving him to unload the unstable wall of packages by himself. After having several close calls thanks to falling boxes, Becky reappeared and informed Derek that Terry had just sent three bags up to primary, so she wanted Derek to work with the guy to make sure he didn't do it again.

-"I'm not the safety rep yet," Derek protested. Becky thanked him and walked away, ignoring his objection. Derek let out a helpless sigh and made his way over to where Terry was working. Terry was a mentally challenged guy that caused more problems than the Middle East. Derek didn't mind that the guy was retarded, but he just wouldn't shut up. Derek entered the truck without saying a word to the large man, but Terry didn't waste any time.

-"Hey," Terry said in his deep but dimwitted voice. "I sent some bags up by accident; do you think they'll get mad at me for that? They cut you some slack if you just do it once, right? They should cut me some slack cause I'm a good worker. It's ok as long as you don't do it again, right? I was working too fast and lost my concentration; that's what it was. If they were gunna get mad, they would have come down right away, right? As long as I don't get hurt, they should cut me some slack because I'm real careful. They don't get mad if you only do it once, right?"

-Derek did his best to block Terry out, though the man didn't stop talking the entire time. Derek knelt down to pick up a package. As he bent down, he saw Terry pull out a package from the middle of the wall, causing several boxes to fall; one of which landed right on Derek's head.

-"FUCK!" screamed Derek as he covered up the bump that was already forming on the top of his skull.

-"Now how could that have been avoided?" someone asked. Derek turned around to see John standing at the mouth of the truck, looking at Derek with a spiteful grin on his face. "I told you to use a load stand in these trucks."

-"How the FUCK would a load stand have prevented that?" Derek demanded. "I was picking up a box on the fucking ground. What, was I supposed to put the stand over my head and use it as a helmet?"

-The grin on John's face was replaced by a scowl, and the man stormed off. Derek gave his head another rub before going back to work. He didn't really blame Terry; boxes fell all the time. Derek simply put it behind him, until Terry said, "You know that was your fault, right?"

-Derek stared at terry with disbelief written all over his face. "Actually, no; it wasn't my fault in any way, shape, or form," Derek said.

-"Yeah cuz when you got that box is when it fell," Terry insisted.

-"The box I picked up wasn't even touching any of the others," Derek said with restrained anger. "It's virtually impossible that I caused the boxes to fall."

-"But the boxes fell on your side, not mine," Terry said with growing panic in his voice. Derek clenched his fists so tight that his nails dug into his palms. He new that Terry was just worried about getting fired, but the man was pissing Derek off. He dropped the subject and went back to work. They were just finishing up the truck, and Derek moved to the end to pull off the eregs that Terry was sending him when Terry lowered the belt without warning. Unfortunately for Derek, the front of his right foot was under the extendo. Before he could move, the extendo pinned his foot to the floor and began to crush it.

-"STOP!" Derek screamed. Terry stopped lowering the belt, but he didn't raise it up off of Derek's foot. "Raise it up; raise it up; raise it the FUCK UP!"

-Terry complied, and Derek pulled his injured foot out from under the belt. The hydraulic powered extendo had bent the steel in his steel toe boots, and it felt like Derek's large toe had been broken. Derek hopped over to the edge of the truck so he had something to lean on while he gingerly took off his boot to inspect his foot. After yanking off his sock, Derek saw that the knuckle of his big toe was already turning purple.

-"Oh, you shouldn't put your foot under the belt," said Terry as he looked on. Derek looked at Terry with murderous rage in his eyes.

-"No; that's why YOU'RE supposed to tell me when you're going to LOWER THE FUCKING THING!"

-Terry rushed off to get Derek some help, leaving Derek alone in the truck, muttering curses. "Stupid fucking steaming puddle of PIG PISS! Hey, Satan; you want to piss god off? Let me die. How about it you horn headed horses ass. You want my soul? Take my fucking soul; I don't need it. Just fucking KILL ME ALREADY!"

-Derek hobbled down to the ground floor and spotted a tug pulling a string of ereg karts. Derek crossed his fingers and stepped in front of the vehicle. The driver, a punk whose face looked like a shower curtain, swerved to avoid Derek. The tug missed Derek, but the karts swung like a tail and took out an I-beam support. The long chunk of metal tottered a moment and then fell to the ground with a deafening clang. Several bits of metal and a section of the roof also crashed down around Derek as he stood perfectly still with a disappointed expression on his face.

-When the dust cleared, Derek stood shaking his head without a scratch on him and said, "You pointy-eared pansy."
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