Categories > Original > Humor > The Suicidal Immortal 2


by Togot 1 review

Ever have a day where everything goes wrong? For Derek that is every day and he wants to end it. There's just one problem, it seems that he can't

Category: Humor - Rating: R - Genres: Humor, Sci-fi - Warnings: [V] - Published: 2007-06-04 - Updated: 2007-06-04 - 3383 words

Derek sat in a chair, grinding his knuckle against his forehead while the suits that he worked for prattled on about how it was the safety committee's job to bring up any unsafe working conditions to their attention. They went on and on about all the things that the company was planning to do in order to make their job a safer place to work, none of which made any sense to Derek. Try as he might, he just didn't see how giving away key chains that said, "safety first" was going to make the large hole in the ceiling any safer to work under. Granted it had been Derek's fault that the hole had been made in the first place, even though no one seemed to realize that. The only person blamed had been the driver of the ereg tug, and even he had gotten off with the excuse that someone had walked in front of him, although he hadn't gotten a very good look at the person.

-"So," John said. "Any safety concerns anyone would like to bring up?"

-Derek raised his hand. "Could you tell the idiots who send us the smalls bags not to fill them up so much? I had one of the ereg guys weigh one of them last night; it was a hundred and twenty pounds."

-John looked at Derek for a moment; he hadn't been happy to see him as a safety committee member in the first place, and now Derek was forcing the man to answer questions. "Take the labels off of overweight bags and turn them in at your weekly meetings. We can contact the hub it came from and let them know that it was too heavy."

-"Not that it'll help," Rick said. Rick was a cynical guy who had been working at the hub since the dawn of time. He knew every malfunctioning piece of equipment, and every steaming lump of bullshit that management would say in order to keep the workers working without actually fixing anything.

-"What about the hole in the ceiling," Derek added. "It's right by the truck I unload."

-"We are speaking with the maintenance crew, and they assure us that they will have it fixed as soon as they can."

-"or as soon as they feel like it," Rick chimed in.

-Derek sighed; he knew Rick was right, but he had caused the hole, so he would just have to deal with it. "What about bay nineteen?" Derek asked. "Someone got hurt trying to use that thing last night. It takes three people just to pull the belt in; why don't you guys fix it?"

-"We need to hire an outside contractor to fix that particular bay for several reasons," John explained. "But in the meantime you'll just have to ask for help when using it."

-"Uh-huh," Derek mumbled, detecting a pattern.

-"What you all really need to focus on is making sure your people are reporting their injuries," John explained.

-"No one wants to report their injuries because you always make it out to be their fault, no matter the circumstances," Derek argued.

-"Most accidents are caused by the person not paying attention," John said.

-"Dude, two weeks ago a lady got her hand broken when a car in the parking lot went by her, and it's door swung open, and you said it was her fault because she wasn't paying attention to her surroundings."

-"Derek, if you can't be civil during these meetings then perhaps you shouldn't be a safety representative for your area," John said, getting cross.

-"...Promise?" Derek asked hopefuly. He was aware that John had changed the subject, but if he could get out of being the safety rep, he didn't care.

-Derek made his way back downstairs after the meeting; it was a hell of a way to spend a Saturday. He still hadn't gotten his paycheck problem straightened out, and every time he brought a new piece of paperwork to his boss, his boss gave him another bit of paperwork to take to his bank saying it was their fault. He went into a truck and began unloading, wondering if he would ever get the money that the company owed him, but he wasn't there long. His supervisor came and told him to go to the west wall, the ass-end of the building were no one wanted to be sent.

-Derek made his way through the building to the destination of his exile, weakly punching the metal supports as he passed them. He made it a point not to hurry since every second it took him to get where he was going was another second that he wasn't actually working. When he finally arrived, Derek went into one of the drop feeder trucks and went to work. A drop feeder had rollers along the length of the truck in the middle at shoulder height. There were flaps on both sides that rested parallel to the rollers, creating a floor above the floor. A person would unload packages from the top half of the truck first and then lift the flaps to unload the bottom half, normally.

-Derek got up on the flaps and began throwing the boxes down on the rollers and pushing them along. He finished half of the top when two other people showed up. One of them got up on the other side of the rollers while his companion began lifting up the flaps behind Derek. Derek continued working, ignoring his coworkers until the wall of boxes in front of him began to fall forward and Derek backed away to avoid them. Unfortunately for him, the new guy working under the flaps had opened the one directly behind him without saying anything, and Derek stepped right off the edge, falling on the boy below. Derek and the boy he landed on fell to the ground, and one of the boxes that had collapsed rolled over the edge of the flap, landing on Derek's groin.

-"Titty fucking son of a whore!" Derek cried out as he held himself. He crawled to his feet and, after shooting an angry glair at the idiot that had ignored safety protocols and opened a flap directly behind him, walked out of the truck to find an ice pack. Derek waddled over to the first aid kit, trying to look as inconspicuous as possible, and got one of the ice packs to put down his pants. Despite his best efforts, the west wall supervisor noticed and came over to inquire as to what had happened. Derek explained how the boy had opened a flap directly behind him, but assured the supervisor that he was alright, but the supervisor insisted on bringing down a manager to talk with him.

-"Great," Derek mumbled. "Now I have to deal with the fucking boss-monkeys again."

-After spending the next twenty minutes reassuring the suits that he didn't need to go to a hospital, John came down, looking at Derek with the usual condescension. He walked over to Derek with a smile on his face and asked, "Now how could that injury have been avoided?"

-Derek glared at John, trying hard to fight the urge to punch the arrogant bastard in the face as he answered: "It could have been avoided if that guy hadn't lifted a flap directly behind me without letting me know."

-"If you had been aware of your surroundings, you wouldn't have fallen," John argued.

-"Actually I would have fallen anyways since I wouldn't have had anywhere to go," Derek pointed out. "And I can't be expected to be aware of what is going on behind me if the person behind me doesn't tell me!"

-Derek argued with John until the safety manager told him that they would continue the discussion later. John told Derek to go back to his area before walking away. Derek began to walk back to his area at the other side of the building while holding an ice back to his groin. Luckily, he spotted a tug driver that he knew and managed to get a ride. Derek hopped onto the back of the small vehicle and laid back with the ice pack down his pants as the drive ferried him back to the east wall. Unfortunately for Derek, his driver made an unscheduled stop to chat with several girls who gave disapproving looks when they saw Derek laying back with his hand in his pants and a relieved expression on his face.

-When he finally returned to his area and explained what had happened to his supervisor, rather than let him go home, she told him he would have to stay for a late truck. Derek expected to go on break while he waited for the truck to arrive; instead, he had to sweep the floor until it pulled up to the building, and then he discovered that he couldn't lift the door. He called over his friend Parker, a large, sarcastic guy that Derek enjoyed talking with, and together they tried to lift the truck door, but even Parker failed to budge the thing. Not even when they enlisted the help of third large bodied coworker and used a pipe as leverage could they move the door.

-After shooting an accusing glare at Derek, Becky had the truck pulled away from the building and called in a forklift to open the door. Several packages were utterly destroyed in the process, and half a dozen more spilled out of the over packed truck, but the door was opened. The truck backed up to the building, and Derek saw another package fall out of the back of the truck. He was forced to stop Terry when the dimwitted man tried to go down to get the box, failing to realize that he would be killed by the large vehicle. Derek realized all too late that he had just missed an opportunity himself as the truck pressed up against the cushioned pads on the building.

-Derek and Terry unloaded the truck for the better half of an hour with Becky and one of the boss-monkeys telling them to hurry up the entire time. The belt jammed a few times, and Troy caused Derek to get struck by a few boxes, talking non-stop the entire time. When they finally finished the truck, Derek pulled the door down and turned to leave, only to see Becky standing behind him. She told Troy that he could go home, and told Derek to go on break.

-Derek stared at his supervisor, thinking that he had misunderstood what she had said, and asked, "Is there another truck coming in?"

-"No," she casually answered without even looking at him.

-"...Then what's the point of me taking my break now? I'd just be waiting to go home. Just add ten minutes to my time, and I'll see you tomorrow."

-"We're not able to do that anymore," she said, an irritated edge to her voice. "Just take your break and come in a little early tomorrow."

-"...Fuck this, I'm leaving." Derek swiped out and left the building, ignoring his supervisors objections. His parents wanted to go camping, and Derek knew that he was late enough as it was.

-Derek got home to find his parents waiting impatiently for him. After a quick lecture from his mother on punctuality, he grabbed a few things of his own, and they all left the house before he could get something to eat or take a shower. After an hour's drive, they pulled into the campground where their trailer was waiting. Derek helped clean off the leaves and fire pit before he went for a walk to relax.

-He didn't get very far before his sister showed up with her two kids, and Derek's mom ordered him to take the little bastards to the playground. Derek kicked the dirt with his foot as he watched his nephews run around like crack heads on a bad trip. He sat at the bottom of a large, metal, coiling slide while the older nephew threw small rocks down it that pilled up around Derek's back as he sulked in his humiliating role as baby sitter.

-As Derek stared obliviously into space, wondering how he had been reduced to such indignity, he suddenly herd a loud thud, followed by high pitched wailing which snapped him out of his self loathing long enough to notice his nephew lying flat on his back next to one of the tall slides. Apparently the kid had somehow fallen off the side of a straight slide, a feat that baffled Derek as he walked over to they crying boy and asked, "You ok?"

-A whimpering sob from a tear drenched face was his only answer. "Alright, that's enough fun for one day," Derek said as he picked the boy up and carried him back to the trailer where his sister and parents belittled him for his poor supervision. Derek shrugged off the criticism and went for a walk, desperate to be alone. He walked around the lake, keeping an eye out for anything that might be interesting. Observing nature was one of the very few things that Derek enjoyed, and he was especially fond of turtles.

-Derek noticed several large bullfrogs that jumped into the water with a chirp as he approached, and nearly a dozen snakes, most of which were water moccasins, but the thing that really got his attention, was a turtle in a tree.

-For a moment, Derek thought his eyes were playing tricks on him, but sure enough there was a large turtle that had crawled into the branches of a fallen tree that was hanging just over the water. Derek snuck around to the End of the tree and slowly climbed out to the turtle. When he was almost close enough to grab it, the animal stretched out its neck and twisted its head enough to see behind itself. Upon noticing Derek, the foot long reptile tried to scurry out of the tree and into the water, but it's cumbersome shell became stuck in the branches. Derek lunged forward and grabbed hold of the frightened animal, claiming his prize, but the sudden shift in weight caused the branch to break, and Derek, turtle in hand, fell into the lake.

-About an hour later, Derek sloshed up to the camper looking miserable. His mother's mouth dropped at the sight of him, and everyone else laughed out loud. "What did you do?" his mother exclaimed in shock.

-Derek looked at her blankly as he held up his hand to reveal his new pet. "I caught a turtle."

-After putting the turtle in a Styrofoam cooler, and changing his clothes, Derek was once again forced to watch after his nephews as they went to go fishing. Derek questioned the wisdom of allowing a five and a two year old to handle sharp metal hooks, but he figured the kids would just get snagged in a tree and that would be that. He was wrong.

-First, the older boy got the hook stuck in his finger when he insisted on putting the worm on himself, then the two year old tried to eat one of the worms. Derek cast his line and set the rod on the ground before helping his nephews with the finer points of fishing. He gave the two year old a sucker to satiate the kids oral fixation, and hooked the worm for the boy's older brother. That however turned out to be a mistake as the five year old tried to cast his line by swinging it around wildly, catching Derek's ear with the hook.

-"Cock sucking son of a crack whore mother fucker!" Derek cried as he struggled to get the hook out of his ear while his nephew laughed and tried to reel in the line. Derek snatched the pole out of the kid's hands and worked out his new earring, blood dribbling down the side of his neck. Several minutes later, Derek sat with a piece of cloth wrapped around his ear while he watched his nephews cast their lines, reel them in, and cast them out again. Derek had removed the hooks and added weights so that the worse the kids could do was give him a bruise.

-When it began getting late, Derek led the brats back to the camper empty handed. Derek was sunburned and mosquito bitten, but neither of the boys seemed to have either ailment despite the fact that they had been with him. As they approached the campfire, his sister looked at Derek's ear and asked, "What happened?"

-Derek glared at her and answered, "They need Ritalin, and lots of it!"

-Feeling the affects of a day in the sun, Derek readied his bed in the camper and tried to go to sleep. He was just drifting off when his sister brought in his nephews, kicking and screaming. The two year old cried for half an hour before settling down and going to sleep, but by that time Derek had a migraine which was rapidly increasing in severity, and no Tylenol anywhere in sight. Derek wallowed in perpetual agony until exhaustion began to win out over the pain, and he was almost asleep when the two year old fell off of the bed and began crying again.

-The next morning, Derek awoke with a groan as he felt the sunburns and mosquito bites torturing his nervous system. He hadn't gotten much sleep, having spent most the night in a delirious purgatory. He decided to go for a morning walk to try and refresh himself. He stopped a moment to make sure the turtle was still where he left it and, after confirming its presence, went down to the lake.

-Derek walked along a high sandy bank when he noticed a soft shelled turtle sunning itself on a log. The animal was far too large to keep as a pet, but Derek still felt the urge to catch it. He never got the chance, however, as the loose soil gave way under his feet. He slid down to the water, and when he looked down, he saw a four foot long water moccasin that's body was nearly as thick as Derek's fist.

-"Oh crap," Derek mumbled as he tried to slow his descent. His feet sank into the mud and he tumbled over, falling right into the water. Derek trudge out of the muck and noticed the venomous snake trying to slither away. "Get your ass back here you little shit," Derek hissed as he reached out and grabbed the snake. "If you can fuck over Adam and eve, you can send me on my way, fucker."

-Derek snatched the large snake up by the tail, and it turned around and sank its fangs into his forearm so fast that Derek was nearly startled into letting it go. The snake bit Derek several more times before he tossed it away and stuck his middle finger up at the sky, laughing in defiance.

-"I beat you this time you fucking prick! Lets see you keep me alive now you BUTT FUCKING BASTARD! I DARE YOU TO MAKE ME LIVE, YOU HEAR ME!? I'M GONNA..." Derek collapsed and passed out as the poison took affect before he could say more. As he lost consciousness, Derek had one final thought: I win.

-Derek woke up in a hospital, again. An I.V. was in his left arm, and his right was swollen to twice its normal size. He slowly turned his stiff neck to see his mother sitting beside his bed. "...How?" Derek asked in disbelief.

-"Oh, you're awake," she said. "You're lucky that the campground had a large supply of anti-venom for all those poisonous snakes around. I wish you would be more careful. Well, I'll go let everyone know you're ok."

-Derek's mother walked out of the room, and he turned his head to look back at the ceiling and said, "You're only making it worse. I will beat you, and then I'll beat the shit out of you, you fucking faggot."
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