Categories > Original > Humor > The Suicidal Immortal 2


by Togot 1 review

Ever have a day where everything goes wrong? For Derek that is every day and he wants to end it. There's just one problem, it seems that he can't

Category: Humor - Rating: R - Genres: Humor, Sci-fi - Warnings: [V] - Published: 2007-06-19 - Updated: 2007-06-20 - 2825 words

Derek rolled his eyes as he spread his legs and placed his hands on the wall while an officer patted him down. After confirming that Derek didn't have any weapons on him, the principal gave a nod, and Derek opened his locker. One of the officers pulled him aside while the other went through Derek's things, looking for a bomb, or a gun, or a list of people to kill.

-Derek glared at another cop who was treating his personal belongings rather disrespectfully. After the school authorities failed to find anything more threatening than a pencil, the principal told him to follow her to the office.

-"Just so I can clarify things when I'm filing the harassment suit, mind telling me what this is about?" Derek asked.

-The principal stiffened and answered, "We received a report that you were planning to go on a rampage and try to blow up the school."

-"Uh-huh," Derek replied. "and just who said that. No wait, let me guess, they wanted to remain anonymous, but I'm betting she had long blonde hair."

-The principal's reaction confirmed Derek's suspicions; Stacey was making good on her promise to make his life a living hell, even if it was a redundant effort. Derek reluctantly accompanied the principal to the office, with an armed escort. Everyone in the hallway stopped to watch what was going on, and Derek couldn't help but wonder why they couldn't have waited to do this until everyone was in class. Several people seemed pleased at the sight, not that Derek really cared. At least he wouldn't have to deal with his math class.

-The principal ushered Derek into a room at the back of the office where two of the office staff waited with another officer. Judging by the gut that was hanging over the cop's belt, Derek guessed that he was the one in charge. He looked at Derek with overestimated authority from years of pushing around teenagers. Derek sat down, not breaking his gaze from the cop. One of the men, a pudgy, balding man, walked up and introduced himself as one of the school councilors. Mr. Goardel was also present, and Derek realized that it was going to be a long day.

-The principal closed the door, and the two rent-a-cops waited outside. Derek looked at the door and then back to the principal. "You already padded me down. What, do you think I have a grenade launcher stuffed up my ass?"

-"It's just a precaution," the principal assured him as he took a seat behind his desk.

-"Am I the only one here with a sense of dejavu?" Derek asked. "It should be ridiculously obvious, even to you mental midgets, that Stacey is lying about me having weapons, and you should have her bulimic ass in here for false accusations, but NO! instead you drag me down here in front of everyone because you DIDN'T find a bomb in my locker!? The message I'm getting from this is that you WANT me to have a bomb. And another thing..."

-Derek went on venting for nearly an hour. The principal and Mr. Goardel tried to interject several times, but Derek wouldn't be interrupted. He made several threats about suing the school and going to the press with his story of being harassed by the school's staff. When Derek stopped to take a breath, the principal took the opportunity to defuse the situation.

-"Why don't we continue this discussion another time. Officer Briggs can escort you to your class, and we'll talk to Stacey about making accusations without proof."

-"Yeah, right," Derek said as he walked out with the overweight rent-a-cop in tow. The large-gutted man waddled alongside Derek, struggling to keep pace. It was hard for Derek to keep from laughing; the man was supposed to protect the school and he couldn't even maintain a brisk walk.

-"So, you like watching TV?" the cop asked. "I like that old show, Macgyver. You ever watch that show? Always thought it was neat how he could make anything out of simple things. You ever try that?"

-Derek stopped in his tracks and slowly turned to face the cop. "You really suck at the whole, tricking people into admitting stuff, thing," Derek said, irritated. "Stick to dunking donuts."

-Derek entered his shop class and sat down at his bench. He tried to work while several people pointed at him and murmured among themselves. The girl sitting next to him smiled at him, the kind of smile stupid girls give "bad boys" when they think there is a bit of juicy gossip to be found.

-"Did you really have a bomb in your locker?" she asked.

-Derek looked at her with utter contempt and replied: "Yes, I had a bomb in my locker, so they sent me to shop class as punishment. Don't you feel safe."

-"Jerk," the girl snapped as she walked away. Derek let out a sigh of relief and went back to work on his stupid lamp. Once the girl was gone, Matt, a Goth friend of Derek's, came over to sit next to him.

-"Dude, what the fuck happened? I heard the cops raided your locker and dragged you down to class."

-"Oh," Derek said. "just another horrible day that I whish I hadn't lived to see."

-Class was almost over when Derek noticed some girl venting to her girlfriend about her asshole boy friend. The more she talked, the angrier she got until she finally just yelled, "MEN ARE SUCH PIGS!"

-Derek pinched the bridge of his nose as he tried to let it go, but after Stacey, the principal, and the dumb girl that had just bothered him, he couldn't hold it back any more. He took a deep breath and said, "women are stupid, lying, manipulative, hypocritical, emotionally unstable, two faced, imposing, selfish, arrogant, egotistical, conceited, self righteous, slutty, demons sent by Satan from the darkest bowels of blackest hell to spread misery wherever they go, and they should be taken to the side of a desolate road and SHOT IN THE FUCKING HEAD!"

-The class stared at Derek in disbelief. The girl looked like she wanted to slug him. She got up and stormed out of the room, probably to go cry in a bathroom. Matt looked at Derek and asked, "Dude, do you really think that?

-Derek looked at his friend and casually shook his head. "No; I just wanted to piss her off."

-At lunch, there was an even larger buffer zone between Derek and everyone else than usual, except for his four friends. Everyone kept shooting nasty looks in his direction, but Derek was just happy that they weren't sitting around him, at least until Stacey came over and planted herself in front of him.

-"Alright, listen up," she said flatly. "Your going to help me out with my term paper, or you're going to get called down to the office and searched every day for the rest of the year."

-"...You do realize that, since I don't actually have anything incriminating on me, all you're doing is getting me out of class and helping me build a harassment case against this school...right?"

-"Then how about I get Larry and his friends to beat the shit out of you?" she snapped.

-"That's gratitude for you," Derek mumbled. He was about to tell her to go get rapped in the ass by a ten foot dildo and die, but then he had a better idea. "Ok, FINE! Just tell m what the fucking paper is supposed to be about, and I'll write the fucking thing myself. If you don't die from an STD, I'll give it to you the day it's due before your class...ALRIGHT!?"

-After Stacey walked away, his friends looked at him and asked, "You're going to do that bitches homework for her?"

-Derek just looked at his friends and smiled.

-School got out, and Derek was walking to the door when a large freshmen grabbed his arm. "Hey, what the hell is your problem, talking about blowing up the school and shit?"

-"...I'm not in the mood for this," Derek said. "Just accept that you're a moron, and go kill yourself."

-Derek turned to leave, but the kid grabbed his arm again. "What's wrong, nobody wanted to play with you? Why don't you stop being a whiny little bitch and get over it."

-Derek narrowed his eyes at the boy and replied: "Easier said than done."

-"A person can get over anything, if they want to."

-Derek thought for a moment and then punched the boy hard enough to knock him out. "Good, then you should have no trouble getting over that."

-Before going home, Derek went to circuit City to get a new computer, seeing as how his current one was a worthless piece of techno shit. His computer geek coworkers told him that whatever he did he should not get a computer with Vista, so the first thing he did when he got to the store was find an employee and ask to see a computer that didn't have Vista. The employee then informed Derek that every computer they had was installed with Vista.

-Derek signed up for the store credit card and brought home a brand new computer. He pulled into the driveway, got out of the car with the new compute, started walking to the door, and cussed his head off when the sprinkler came on.

-Derek hooked up the new computer as water dripped from his soaked clothes. He questioned the wisdom of hooking up electronics with wet hands, but he figured the worst thing that could happen was him getting electrocuted, and for him that was a plus.

-After he finished the installment, he took his old computer out to the back yard with a baseball bat in hand. "I've been waiting a long time for this," Derek said as he paced around the tower. An hour of venting later, Derek had discarded the bat and was beating his bloody fist against the shards of metal and plastic that had once been a mother board. Sweat rolled off of his back as he tried to catch his breath after screaming and cussing at the top of his lungs for so long. He heard his parents pull up in the driveway, so he walked away from the scene of carnage.

-After a quick shower to wash away the sweat and blood, Derek uploaded his flash drive from his old computer into his new one. He went to open a Microsoft word document to work on his homework, only to discover that his new computer did not have Microsoft word. Every computer Derek had ever had had came with Microsoft word, so he hadn't even thought to look for it.

-Derek didn't have enough time before work to go back to the computer store, so he decided to try tomorrow. Before going to work, his mother told him that he had a phone call from a woman. His mother gave him the same goofy look she always did when a girl was calling for him, as if he had a secret girlfriend. Derek, for his part, was always confused when there was a girl who wanted to talk to him; it was a pretty rare occurrence.

-Despite his mother's best hopes, it was only Bev asking for another ride into work. Derek reluctantly agreed and got ready for another horrible day of having boxes fall on him. He stepped out the front door, forgetting that the sprinkler was still on, and he went to Bev's house to pick her up. She came out and got in the car, smelling like smoke. She informed him that a friend of hers also needed a ride.

-After picking up two of her friends, and asking himself how he had been reduced to a free taxi, Derek arrived at work. The group unloaded from his car, and they all made their way into the hub. Derek was sweating before he even made it to the break room to wait until start time. It was then that he realized he had forgotten his water bottle at home.

-Derek went downstairs to start the night. His supervisor went over the PCM for the night before revealing some depressing news. A woman had been killed the previous night. A semi truck hit her while she was walking between the building and the security shack. Despite the fact that the truck failed to stop at the crosswalk, management placed responsibility on the woman for "failing to be aware of her surroundings." there were several disapproving murmurs, and then they all got to work.

-Derek began working a very poorly loaded truck with Bill. The two of them made little conversation, mostly about the woman who had been killed. Bill was an obvious homosexual, but Derek didn't really care. As long as Bill didn't try to hit on him, Derek had no qualms about working with him, though Bill did make the occasional uncomfortable comment.

-"I hate these messed up trucks," Derek said after narrowly avoiding another falling box. "Ten-ton pain in my ass!"

-"And it doesn't even feel good?" Bill chimed in. Derek paused for a moment, not sure how to respond to the comment. He decided to say nothing and went back to work. He turned to put a box on the conveyor belt when Bill yelled: "LOOK OUT!" Derek turned to see the entire wall of packages falling his way. He tried to move, but a sixty pound box clipped his arm.

-"Testicle shitting, WHORE HUMPING, MOTHER FUCKER!" Derek screamed as he punched the wall.

-"You ok?" Bill asked.

-"Oh I'm just dandy," Derek griped as he rubbed his bruised arm. Their supervisor came in and forced them to use a load stand to prevent another injury. Instead, it caused another injury. As another wall fell, Derek was forced to jump off of the load stand to get away, but he landed wrong and twisted his ankle. Derek dropped to the ground as a lightweight box flew through the air and knocked him in the head.

-"...I hate my life..."

-As the last truck was emptied out, everyone crowded around the supervisor to be let go for the night. Instead of telling everyone they could go, and that she would just add ten minutes to their time since nobody had gotten a break. Becky sent everyone home, except for Derek who she told to take his break.

-After a heated argument, Derek marched to the break room, mumbling curses and murderous thoughts. "Just keep it coming, god, you cock sucking, whore humping, heap of HORSE SHIT! I'LL NAIL YOU DOWN TO A COLD, STONE SLAB, CUT YOUR STOMACH OPEN, RIP YOUR GUTS OUT, WRAP YOUR INTESTINES AROUND YOUR THROAT AND STRANGE YOU WITH IT!"

-He sat with his head tilted down and his eyes closed, trying to resist the urge to rip the table out of the floor and throw it across the room. He was just starting to calm down, when one of the boss-monkeys came over and kicked his foot.

-"You've been on break for more than ten minutes," the man said in a condescending tone.

-Derek slowly opened his eyes and glared at the fat, bald man. "you know, that wouldn't have happened if I had been sent home and given an extra ten minutes on my time, rather than forced to SIT HERE waiting to leave this insufferable HELL HOLE!"

-The suit stiffened up and was about to continue the
argument, when Derek spotted Bev and her friends walking toward him. Without saying a word, Derek got up and walked away from the boss-monkey to meet up with his passengers. The group walked out of the building, but Derek told them that he had forgotten something and that they should go on ahead without him. They had no objection.

-Derek waited by the door until he heard what he was waiting for. He opened the door and walked across the cross walk, stopping right in the path of the semi truck. "This is gonna hurt," Derek mumbled to himself, but he was wrong. The truck driver stopped before even crossing the yellow lines on the ground. Derek's eye twitched. "Huh...that was anticlimactic. I wonder if..."

-Derek woke up in the hospital two days later; he was forming a groove in the bed. His body hurt all over, and his head was bandaged. He looked over to his mother, sleeping in a chair next to the bed. As if sensing he was awake, she opened her eyes.

-"The...truck...STOPPED!" Derek said.

-"Yes honey, the truck driver stopped," his mother told him. "He is the one who told the police that a, um...tug driver? Who was coming from the other direction didn't stop. What does, not aware of your surroundings mean?"
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