Categories > Original > Humor > The Suicidal Immortal 2


by Togot 1 review

Ever have a day where everything goes wrong? For Derek that is every day and he wants to end it. There's just one problem, it seems that he can't

Category: Humor - Rating: R - Genres: Humor, Sci-fi - Warnings: [V] - Published: 2007-07-03 - Updated: 2007-07-03 - 2514 words

-Derek sighed with satisfaction as he looked around his empty room. He had spent most of the night packing up his things after his parents had told him that they were getting a new house. Derek had even gone out to see it for himself; it was perfect. A large forest made up the back yard where Derek could explore and be alone, and best of all, Derek would have the entire second floor for himself. His parents were the only ones bidding on the house, so they were sure to get it.

-Then Derek heard him father call down to him, "Derek, don't bother packing; we're not getting the house."

-Derek looked again at his empty room and all the boxes that he now had to unpack again. "Sonova..."

-Deciding to put off unpacking until he was in a better mood, Derek went back to the computer room. Awhile back he had ordered the entire series DVD collection of a cartoon he had enjoyed when he was younger. Derek had been watching the one hundred and thirty episodes on the twenty disks for months, and now he was on the final disk. He popped it in his DVD player and turned on his computer. The player made an unusual noise which got Derek's attention, and when he looked at the TV, it said that it could not read the disk.

-Derek took the disk out and wiped it off, but nothing he did would make the CD work. It was hard for Derek to stop from snapping the disk in half, seeing as how he had spent eighty dollars on it only to miss out on the final ten episodes; the only episodes he had also missed as a child.

-Derek calmed himself down and got online. All he had to do was inform the seller of what had happened and request a replacement for the final CD. He got to the website, clicked the link for reporting a problem, and typed out an explanation nearly a paragraph long with a request for a replacement of the specific CD. Derek clicked send, and nothing happened.

-Derek scratched his head and tried to click send again, but rather than send the message, his computer turned itself off for no apparent reason. Derek watched the computer reboot itself, and when it was back up, a pop up appeared saying that windows had just shut down unexpectedly.

-"No shit," Derek grumbled as he logged back on and filled out another message to the DVD store. This time Derek made the explanation a little shorter, but he got the same result when he tried to send it; the computer shut down and restarted itself. "COCKSUCKING SODOMITE!"

-Giving up on any hope of ever seeing the last ten episodes and achieving one of his small dreams, and seeing as how he didn't get any sleep the night before, Derek decided not to go to school. Fooling his mother was easy enough; she believed anything, even that Derek might one day get a girlfriend. Derek went to sleep, wondering what horrific nightmares would soon befall him, but before he could even dream, Derek was woken up by his dogs' barking.

-Derek knew the different kinds of barks that his dogs had. He knew the "parents are coming home" bark, the "there's a cat out there" bark, but what he was hearing now was the "there is someone we don't know here" bark, so Derek got out of bed and went to see just who it was that had interrupted his sleep.

-Derek opened the front door and was greeted by the fake smile of one of the lowest forms of life on the planet: a door to door salesmen. The man started talking about selling windows, at least that's what Derek thought he heard as he closed the door in the man's face and skulked back to his bed like a zombie. He threw up the covers, got in, and lied down. He was just drifting off when he heard the phone ring.

-Derek groaned but decided to ignore it. The phone rang four times and then went quiet, only to start ringing again. Derek put his pillow over his head and tried to block out the noise, but when the phone stopped and started ringing yet again, Derek cursed Graham Bell and got out of bed to answer it.

-When Derek got to the phone, it stopped ringing. Derek waited for it to start again, but heard only silence. Satisfied that the person had given up, Derek went back to his bed and jumped in. he closed his eyes and tried to relax, and his eyes shot wide open when the phone rang once again.

-Derek ran to the phone, picked it up, and screamed: "WHAT! WHAT DO YOU WANT, YOU SERVENT OF SATAN!?"

-To which his mother replied: Oh, sorry honey; did I wake you?"

-After sweeping up all the dog shit in the backyard as his mother had requested, despite him staying home supposedly sick, Derek tried once more to go to sleep. Two hours later he was still wide awake and staring at the ceiling. Apparently he had missed his deadline for being able to fall asleep, and he would have to go to work in a few hours.

-To kill the time, Derek got on the computer and did some school work, including some of his special project for Stacey. He still couldn't fill out his CD request, but he was able to find a job application to a pet store. Derek liked animals, and it had to be more pleasant than having boxes falling on his head, so he decided to apply for a job.

-The first page of the application was the usual: name, address, phone number. Derek filled it out and clicked to proceeded, but the same page appeared again saying that the highlighted sections had not been filled out. Derek scrolled down and saw that his name was highlighted, but it had been filled out. In fact it was still filled out; his name was right there.

-Hoping that it had just been a one time error, Derek tried again, but again the page reappeared with the same message. Derek dicked with the page for nearly an hour, capitalizing his name, putting a space in front of it. He got to the second page once, but when he tried to get to the third, it said that his session was invalid.

-Derek sighed and turned the damned thing off. He would just go to the store later and apply in person. His father always insisted that that was better anyway.

-Derek sat downstairs playing a video game. It was his favorite turn based strategy game in which the goal was to use an army of monsters to conquer five other countries and unify the continent. Derek's retreated from a battle after causing damage but being hopelessly outnumbered. He still considered it a small victory. Retreating meant his army went to another base, but in the same turn, that base was attacked, and his men automatically retreated. Derek didn't really mind; he would just take it back on his next turn.

-Derek prepared to attack the next turn, but saw that four of his best creatures were missing. Confused, Derek checked the base that they had been forced to retreat from and saw all four monsters in the enemy queue. Apparently the game had glitched in a way that made it impossible for him to win. "SONOVA BITCH-MONKEY!" Derek screamed as he stood up and slammed his fist down on his PS2. "...Oops."

-Derek got ready for work, one quick sniff under his armpit made him gag. In preparation for the move that wasn't going to happen, his parent had ripped the bathroom apart, making it impossible for anyone to take a shower for nearly a week. All the deodorant in the world couldn't cover up that stench.

-The previous week, Derek had forgotten to record his favorite cartoon before going to work. It hadn't bothered him because every week it first had the episode from the previous week, and then the new episode, so Derek could just record both and watch them later. Unfortunately when Derek put in the tape, he noticed a marathon of another show.

-Derek checked the guide, thinking that if the marathon overlapped his shows they would just come one next week. Unfortunately for him the marathon ended just before the new episode came on, so Derek knew that he would never see the one he had missed.

-Derek saw that it was raining outside so he went to get his hoody, only to find that it was gone. With time running out, Derek franticly searched around until he thought to check in the laundry room. Inside the washing machine, Derek found his favorite black hoody, soaking wet.

-Derek stepped out into the rain, hoodyless, and walked to his car. He didn't even bother running since he knew there was no point. He drove out to get Bev once again. She got in his car, looked at him and asked, "why aren't you wearing a raincoat or something? It's really coming down."

-At work, Derek learned that his friend up in the break room might have to leave soon. Apparently the guy's mom had lost her job and there were three options available to him, none of them appealing. His mom could move to another state and transfer to another facility which would mean that he would have to go with her since he lived with her. He could apply to be a supervisor, of course management hated him and would fire him the second he did since he would be out of the union. The final option was for him to quite martial arts and get a second job, the only problem was that he had a five year contract with the dojo.

-Derek tried to help his friend find another alternative, but failed to think of one. All he could do was wish his friend luck, knowing that he would probably never see him again.

-During the pcm, Becky informed everyone that OSHA, an airline administrative agency, was going to be auditing the building and might ask them their safety question. If anyone got them wrong, they could be fired on the spot, so Derek wasn't surprised when John dragged the OSHA people over to his truck and asked him to step out. A tall man with glasses proceeded to ask Derek the questions, and Derek answered them all correctly, much to the displeasure of John. It was clear the guy was hoping to get Derek fired.

-When Derek was finished, he flashed John a "fuck you" smile and went back to work. John soon got his revenge though. A few minutes later, Becky can into the truck and said that John needed someone who wouldn't goof off to do a special job.

-To which Derek replied, "I'm not gonna like this am I?"

-Becky led him to a small platform that rested along the main belt. Apparently boxes kept getting jammed, and it was Derek's job to stand there with a shepherd hook for the rest of the day and break up any jams. Not exactly the most exciting job in the world.

-After performing the miserable task for two hours and only breaking three jams, Becky came up to Derek from the floor. He hoped that she was telling him to go back and do his normal job, but she only asked if he wanted to go home early the next night. Derek reluctantly agreed, it would mean less money, but he could always change his mind and stay if he wanted to.

-Becky also informed him that he was the new CERC rep. and that he would have a CERC meeting the following night. When Derek asked why he had to take on yet another responsibility, Becky said it was because he was a "people person".

-Derek thought back to all the times that the school had told him he was antisocial and socially unacceptable, and he nearly laughed out loud. Of coarse the humor of it was lost on Becky, and she went back to work.

-When it was time to go, Derek went looking for Bev. She ha told him that she would be in the smokers area waiting for him, but when he went to check, he didn't see her there. He walked all around the hub looking, but there was no sign of her. Despite the appeal of just leaving, Derek was too responsible to risk standing someone.

-After cursing himself for not being more of a jerk, Derek went out to the guard shack to see if Bev was waiting there. The watchmen gave him the usual wanding and then seemed confused when he left and came back through after seeing that Bev wasn't there either, but they didn't really seem to care. Derek went back to the smoking area and there Bev was.

-She explained that she had taken a bathroom break, and the two of them left work. Derek drove to her house almost in a daze, not even noticing when another motorist nearly slammed into the side of his car. Bev however was in a bit of a panic at the near miss, and when they reached her house, she invited him in.

-Derek agreed, since he was reluctant to go home and deal with his family. Bev showed him around the house and left him in her room while she went to get something to eat; her way of saying thanks for driving her around. As Derek waited, he noticed a riffle leaned against the wall behind the door. He picked the weapon up and, after making sure that Bev was still preoccupied, checked to see if it was loaded.

-Much to his surprise, it was. "All right you all mighty cock sucker," Derek whispered harshly. "I'm going out with a bang, but when I get my hands around your throat, I'm going to crush the life out of you, and I will not stop until you are reduced to a WHIMPERING HEAP!" Derek put the barrel in his mouth and pulled the trigger, but nothing happened. Derek double checked to make sure the gun really was loaded and then tried again, but again nothing happened. Derek leaned down to see if maybe the safety was on and when his head was next to the barrel, the weapon went off.

-Derek yelled out in pain, at least that's what he thought he did since he couldn't hear a damn thing other than the ringing in his ears. Bev came in the room and helped him to the bathroom where she put some gauze over his bleeding ears before he passed out.

-Rather than the hospital, Derek woke up on Bev's couch, but his mother was there none the less. Derek was just thankful that he couldn't hear her lecture him this time.

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