Categories > Original > Humor > The Suicidal Immortal 2


by Togot 0 reviews

Ever have a day where everything goes wrong? For Derek that is every day and he wants to end it. There's just one problem, it seems that he can't

Category: Humor - Rating: R - Genres: Humor, Sci-fi - Warnings: [V] - Published: 2007-07-15 - Updated: 2007-07-15 - 2693 words

Derek walked into his room and sensed something was wrong. There was a cold chill, and the lights were all out. As his eyes adjusted to the darkness, he noticed that his window was open. With a sigh, Derek walked over and closed it, wondering why it was open in the first place. When he turned around, there was a woman wearing black standing in front of him.

-"Um...ok," Derek said. "What's going on?"

-The girl responded by smiling, and showing two pointy fangs. Derek blinked and said, "What the fu..." but he was cut off when the girl lunged at him. Pinning him on his back on his bed.

-She turned his head to the side and said, "Welcome, to immortality." Without any further foreplay, she sank her teeth into Derek's neck.

-"NO!" Derek screamed as he opened his eyes and sat up, grabbing at his neck. In a panic, he looked out his window to see that the sun was up, and he tumbled out of bed in such a hurry that he tripped in his clothes laying on the floor and knocked his head on the corner of his small table as he ran out of the room.

-He flung open the front door and jumped outside, spreading his arms wide to catch the suns rays in the hopes that he would burst into flames. When that didn't happen, Derek acknowledged that it had just been a dream, and he noticed that he was standing outside in his boxers. "Talk about your worst nightmare," Derek said to himself as he went back inside.

-It was than that he noticed how sore he was; his back was killing him. Two days prior, Derek was forced to watch his nephews yet again. The kids had spent the night driving him mad with their high-pitched screams. His parents had insisted that he let them sleep on his bed while he take the couch. That wouldn't have been so bad, except that after the boys left the next day, Derek noticed that they had puked all over his bed, and his mother had laid out her laundry on the couch, so Derek couldn't sleep there either. Derek had been forced to improvise by laying down four pillows on the floor and covering them with a blanket. His makeshift bed hadn't been the most comfortable thing in the world, and now it seemed that it had taken a toll on Derek's spine.

-Derek had noticed that he was starting to grow a beard, in fact it was getting hard to ignore. He didn't have a razor, so he took the electric shaver and began removing the gnarled hair. He cleared off the right side of his face, and then the shaver died. Derek tried smacking the side of the thing to bring it back to life, but it refused to work.

-Derek thought that its battery might have died so he got a new one, but it didn't help. The darn thing just refused to finish the job. Derek looked at his half-shaved self and groaned; he looked ridiculous. He shook his head and sighed: "It's going to be a long day."

-At school, Derek made it a point to come into his English class at the last minute. Stacy was waiting for him impatiently, and he casually handed her the assignment he had done for her. "Why are you so late?" she snarled. "I don't even have time to look it god, what happened to your face?"

-"As if you would understand it anyway," Derek laughed, ignoring the question. He took his seat and endured an hour of his classmates stopping to stare at him while his teacher preached about how great the writers of old were, and how much current writers sucked. She gave out an assignment for everyone to write a short story of their choosing which they would have to read in class next week.

-In his biology class, Derek was forced to take a scantron test. The teacher handed out the papers with the questions and told them not to write on it. Whoever had used Derek's test before he got it however had apparently misunderstood the instructions since it was filled out.

-Out of curiosity more than the desire to cheat, Derek looked at the answers the person had written, and he laughed out loud. It seemed that whoever had written the answers thought that the largest terrestrial mammal was a blue whale. Derek looked at the name to see who could have possibly been so stupid, and he laughed again when saw Stacy's name filled in at the top.

-After class, Derek went to his locker. He opened it up, exchanged some books and closed it again, but when he did he saw a girl next to him with long black hair and pale skin. She opened her mouth, revealing two very large fangs, and hissed at him.

-Derek yelled in surprise, remembering his dream, and swung his locker door all the way open, smacking the girl in the face. Several people laughed and the girl covered up her broken nose. A few minutes later, Derek was sitting in the office across from the principal. "She hissed at me," Derek explained.

-School was almost out, for which Derek was very thankful. Everywhere he went, there were fliers for the turnabout dance, a school event where the girls were supposed to invite the guys. Derek hated such festivities with a passion, so it was a surprise when a girl slipped him a note asking him to go with her.

-For a moment, albeit a brief one, Derek actually considered accepting, mostly because the girl who invited him was deaf. He figured that she might be less inclined to play cruel pranks. But he quickly dismissed the idea since he hated dances. He tossed the note into his back pack and left for home.

-Once home, Derek threw his backpack on the coffee table and went into his room. He took his sheet off of his bed to take it downstairs, and he noticed that his turtle's tank was getting pretty dirty. After throwing the vomit stained sheet into the washing machine, Derek took his turtle outside and put it in a kiddy pool which he filled with water. He then went through the arduous task of emptying out the water in the turtle tank, cleaning out the filter, rinsing the rocks on the bottom of the tank, and refilling it.

-He went outside to retrieve his turtle, but saw that his parents had let the dogs out. He found his turtle in the mouth of the largest of them, Nikki. "NO!" Derek yelled as he ran over to rescue the helpless animal. The turtle was covered in dog drool, and its shell was chewed up, but it would live.

-Derek cleaned the poor thing off and placed it in the tank. He turned to leave and noticed that his hamster's dome lid was flipped upside down, and the hamster was gone. "Jesus titty fucking CHRIST!!" Derek yelled.

-After cleaning his entire room, even under the bed, the little rodent was still nowhere to be found. Derek began dreading the worst and was looking under his dresser, when he heard scratching. He carefully opened up the drawer and saw little Nim crawling around inside. With a relieved sigh, Derek put his little critter back in it's home, making sure the lid was on tight this time.

-Derek went to work, and in the parking lot he found Bev and her friends sitting around a truck. He pulled up near them and they came over to his car. She quickly explained that one of her friends wanted to get rid of an aquarium, and that she had told her friend that Derek would take it.

-"...Don't I have a say in this?" Derek asked, irritated that she had taken the liberty of deciding for him.

-"Well, you said you have a turtle," Bev explained. "Besides, I already told her you would take it."

-Derek couldn't argue that his turtle would enjoy the extra space, so he reluctantly agreed. When he saw just how big the tank really was, he regretted it. The aquarium was a 55, the largest you could buy at a pet store, and was over forty inches long. It took four people, including Derek to put it in the back seat of his car, and it barely fit.

-"Thanks Derek," bev said as she and her friends walked away.

-"Yeah," Derek replied. "I'm a nice's my one flaw."

-While at work, Derek had to go to a CERC meeting where he was handed a paper listing the injuries for that month. Some idiot had lifted a box and a saw blade had fallen out and slice his leg open. The root cause listed on the paper was "failed to plan for the unexpected".

-The management team went over how it was every CERCs job to stop people from quitting, though Derek wasn't really sure how to do that; you can only make shit shine so much, and he didn't think he was a good enough liar to convince people to stay in such a hell hole.

-After the meaningless meeting, Derek went back down to go to work, expecting his boss to send him home as she had promised the previous day. Instead, she said that they had too much volume so he would have to stay.

-Derek began unloading a truck with a very large guy who had been sent to help out from primary. They were working in a drop feeder, which Derek hated, and he was just getting under the flaps when the other guy made a rookie mistake. At the end of the rollers, there was a wooden bench that sometimes ran parallel with the rollers so you could put a box on the bench and slide it down onto the rollers, but sometimes the rollers were set slightly higher than the bench so it didn't work; this was on of those times. The kid tried to slide a large packages, but it hit the elevated rollers and flipped wildly, smacking Derek in the side of the head and knocking him to the ground.

-Derek rolled on the ground holding his face. The boy peeked over the rollers and asked, "Um...are you ok?"

-Derek replied: "FUCK...ASS!"

-A few minutes later, Derek was sitting with an ice pack pressed against his cheek. He went back to work and was getting bags when he noticed one of the shifter girls standing by his can staring at something. Derek asked if she needed something, and she glanced at him, shaking her head. He found a bag and held it out for her to get like shifters were supposed to. She looked right at him, and then walked into the truck next to him without getting the bag.

-"Fucking sonova..." Derek mumbled as he put the bag up himself. He looked into the truck that the girl had gone into and realized what was going on. Anthony, a new guy, was working in the can next to Derek, and ever since he had started working there, all the girls hadn't been able to take their eyes off of him. Now it seemed that they were helping him unload as well, even though shifters were not supposed to do that. The thing that Derek found most ironic was that Anthony was already paying child support for two kids who were being taken care of by his ex who he had abused and kicked out, and everyone knew that.

-Despite his public past, all the girls ogled him and flirted with him every chance they got. Normally Derek wouldn't care about their idiotic behavior, but now it was starting to make his job harder, and that pissed him off.

-At the end of his shift, Derek was told to go on break. It pissed him off, but he could use a rest. While there, Anthony sat beside him with a grin on his face. "You seem happy," Derek remarked.

-"Hell yeah, I got these bitches wrapped around my finger now," Anthony chuckled. "I got myself some slaves; they do whatever I want."

-"What exactly did you do to get them to like you so much?" Derek asked, perplexed by the whole situation.

-"I don't know," Anthony confessed, shaking his head with a smile. "Their just all over me."

-"Especially the one who helped you unload," Derek said scornfully.

-"Yeah, Anthony laughed, not noticing how irritated Derek was. "She wants to fuck me."

-After the break, Derek walked back, cursing how unfair the world was while expecting to be sent home at long last, but Becky told him that he had to stay for a late truck. "Piss guzzling, whore monkey, butt fucking..." Derek grumbled as he walked away with his fists clenched, wondering how he had gone from thinking he would be sent home early, to staying late.

-Derek finished the truck without incident, other than the ridiculously loud jet engine outside on the runway that seemed to be having mechanical problems. As Derek walked out to his car, he noticed that he seemed to be deaf in his left ear. "...I hate my life."

-Derek got home to find that his parents were waiting in the car for him. "Come on," his mother called. "We're gong to the county fair. What took you so long?"

-Without getting to take a shower or change his clothes, Derek was dragged to one of the most annoying festivities on earth. As they drove to the fair, Derek wondered if things could get any worse; then they stopped to pick up his nephews.

-Once at the fairgrounds, Derek's parents went off to do their own thing, leaving Derek with the brats. For over an hour, the boys dragged their zombie-like uncle around from one dumb kids game to another. Without even realizing it, Derek was led to the Ferris wheel and seated. His nephews sat in the car in front of him, turning around to wave enthusiastically at the catatonic Derek.

-Derek wondered how his life had turned out so badly while the giant unicycle went round and round. The boys squealed and laughed, making Derek thankful that they weren't sitting in his car. It seemed that the ride would be over any minute, and then it broke down with Derek at the very top.

-While the other people on the ride began to panic, Derek casually looked over the side to see a mechanic tinkering with a gear box. Derek's nephews began to cry, and Derek could already hear his parents scolding him, finding someway to blame this on him. He looked up at the sky and said, "I'm closer to you than usual, so maybe you'll hear me this time you fucking CUNT! Just keep it up you divine douchbag cause I'm gonna WAIL ON YOU! You stinking VILE filthy lump of rotting PESTILENCE! There aren't even words for what I'm doing to do to you, you buttfucking whore monkey! When I get done with you, Satan is going to PUKE!"

-Derek slipped out of his so called safety device and made several obscene hand gestures up at the sky. "Here I come you fucking DILDO LICKER!" Derek leapt off of the Farris wheel and fell down to earth, belly up and with both middle fingers aimed at the sky.

-He landed in the jumperoo, an inflatable castle which children bounced around in. the thing broke Derek's fall, and the impact sent all the kids that had been playing inside it flying over the top, landing on the concrete outside. Panicked shouts rang out all around him, and the kids began to cry. Derek lay on his back with his arms sprawled out. He tilted his head up to look at the entrance, and saw dozens of people gathering around looking at him.

-"That kid must really be scared of heights," one person mumbled.

-Derek groaned and looked back at the sky. "You....fucking...COCKSUCKER!"
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