Categories > Original > Humor > The Suicidal Immortal 2
-Derek typed away at his computer after getting online again. It had been several weeks since he had "slipped" out of the hospital window, and his injuries had healed. Derek wasn't sure what dumbfounded him more, his almost supernatural inability to die, or the awe inspiring denial of everyone around him.
-He had managed to get a new job relatively quickly, which was good considering his sizable doctor bill. It was a job at a distribution center. Derek just unloaded boxes from trucks which wasn't too difficult. He wouldn't have to be to work for an hour, so he wanted to go to his favorite web sites and check his email.
-He clicked on his email and saw a message from someone he knew: a Christian fanatic that he enjoyed arguing with. She would argue that god loved him, and Derek would counter that god was a cock sucking asshole. He read the email and sure enough, it was another ridiculous story about angels taking refuge from the rain in a barn, so they asked the grim reaper to kill a cow instead of the farmer.
-Derek pinched the bridge of his nose between his eyes; it never ceased to amaze him how incredibly stupid she could be. He typed out a long response which basically said that it was pretty stupid to use a fairytale to make an argument. He clicked send, and the computer froze up.
-Derek stared at the screen for a few seconds, telling himself to be patient, but when the message saying that the internet had to close popped up, Derek grabbed the side of his computer and slammed it against the side of the wooden shelf that it rested on. "You fucking sack of techno shit; I'LL SEND YOU TO THE DEPTHS OF COMPUTER HELL!" Derek screamed in anger. A piece of plastic popped off of the computer bounced off of his forehead. Derek sighed as he lowered his head and mumbled, "You bitch."
-Derek got up and walked out of the room, stubbing his toe on the inside of the doorway as he left. He cursed and hoped up and down before punching the wall, hurting his hand. He growled in aggravation and decided to leave for work early before he ended up ripping the whole house apart. He grabbed several items for work: a water bottle, keys, a watch and some money for the vending machines at the hub.
-He went out to his new car, if it could be called that. He wasn't really sure where his parents had gotten it, or who had convinced them to take it off of their hands. It looked like some kind of infant station wagon with the lifting hatch in the back, but not the long body he would expect for such a vehicle. The car was so light that Derek was convinced it would fly off the road if he went too fast.
-Not that he could ever go too fast; the car only had two cylinders, so it was annoyingly slow. The speakers didn't work either, not that Derek cared about that. The seatbelt was automatic, sliding forward and backward when the door was opened or closed. And to top it all off, the damn thing smelled like warthog B.O.
-Derek opened the door and the seatbelt slid forward. He got in, closed the door, and the seatbelt slid back, but it was so tight that Derek could barely breath. "What the fuck?" Derek asked as he tried to slip out of the strap, but the seatbelt was too tight and the car too small for him escape. Derek tried to lean forward and force the seatbelt to give, but then realized it was a pretty stupid idea since the things were designed to handle car crashes.
-Then Derek closed his eyes and chuckled at his own foolishness. He reached up and clicked the emergency release for the seatbelt. It clicked loose and retracted all the way into his seat. Derek looked at the buckle for a second trying to figure out what all that had been about. Coming up with no answer, he shrugged and pulled it out, latching it back in and finding that it was back to normal. "This day is starting out great," he said to himself as he started up the car and headed for work.
-He got to work and found that he had to park in the very back row because all the good spots were taken. Despite his remote location, Derek still found one of his coworkers where he pulled up. He got out of his car and the boy walked up to him with a big amused smile on his face. "Boner salad!" he yelled out.
-Derek just stared at him blankly, not understanding what he meant. "Um...no thanks," Derek said. He recognized the boy as Beck: with out a doubt the most obnoxious guy Derek had ever met. He was tall with black hair and a goatee. He always wore black trench coats with a black hat that made him look like a government agent or something. Derek had only worked at the place for a week, but already he had learned that Beck was prone to random statements that made absolutely no sense.
-"What the hell is that thing?" Beck asked while laughing. It was obvious he was referring to Derek's car. "My god, it looks like the aborted bastard child of a station wagon and a go-kart." Derek simply grunted in response. "So newbie, are you ready for another night of pain and suffering?" Beck asked with a goofy grin.
-"Always," Derek answered; his voice couldn't have been less enthusiastic if he had been a robot. The two of them made the long trek up to the guard shack. Derek went through first, placing his keys and watch on the counter and walking through the metal detectors. Despite having discarded all his metal, the machine still beeped, and Derek assumed a position all too familiar to him thanks to high school. He raised his hands and spread his legs as the guards waved a wand over him.
-Satisfied that he had simply bumped the machine, Derek and Beck continued on into the air hub, it was a very large building with a dizzying network of conveyor belts and bustling activity. Trucks lined up with bays, and karts pulled around small trailers for irregular packages.
-Derek and Beck made their way to their work area, and after several minutes of listening to Beck ramble on about how much he hated his job, it was time to get to work. Derek got stuck in a semi trailer with a boy named Steve who was even smaller in frame than Derek was. He had short red hair and was usually the most cheerful and energetic one around, so much so that management had tested him for drugs twice.
-But today Steve was very melancholy, and although Derek normally wouldn't care, hearing about someone else's misery might just cheer him up. "What's wrong?" he asked, trying his best to sound sympathetic.
-Steve sighed. "Well, my girlfriend dumped me last night and then I found out that she killed herself this morning," he answered as he tossed another box on the belt.
-"Oh," Derek answered. There was a pause between the two as they continued working and then Derek looked at Steve and asked, "How'd she do it?"
-Instead of answering the question, Steve put an irregular package on the belt for Derek to get. It was a piece of metal that weighed over a hundred pounds and was attached to a wooden pallet by what looked like saran wrap. Derek was forced to tilt the large ereg on its side. Unbeknownst to him, this caused the metal to distend the saran wrap, so when he righted it again, it dropped and landed on his hand.
-Derek looked down at the metal resting on his hand without so much as a twitching eyebrow. "Hmm...that really hurts," he said calmly to himself, as he lifted up the metal to free his hand. He saw a large red mark on the back of his hand, but he flexed his fingers and didn't seem to be hurt. He moved the ereg over to the slide where the tug drivers would take it away. Unfortunately, Derek tripped on the grated floor and the pallet came down on the tip of his middle finger.
-Derek stood straight up and bit his lip while clenching his fist. He emitted a low growl as he tried hard not to loose his temper at his new job. He looked at his middle finger and saw it was already swelling up. Derek just shook his head and said, "my favorite finger too."
-Derek went back into the truck and continued to work, ignoring the throbbing pain in his hand. The packages in the truck he was working in were pilled to the ceiling. Derek was a faster worker than Steve, so he made more progress. This, however, had the unforeseen consequence of leaving a wall of boxes towering over him to his right where Steve was working.
-Derek leaned down to get the bottom box, and several heavy boxes came down on the back of his head. Derek was buried under the packages. Steve moved to help, but Derek stood up, flinging his inanimate attackers off of his back and roaring in anger. "COCK SUCKING PISS MOTHER FUCKING SACK OF SHIT!" He punched the side of the truck several times and then stood with his head hung low and his fists clenched.
-It had hurt like hell, but the pain didn't really bother him. It had just made him angry. He calmed himself down and then went back to work as if nothing had happened. Steve continued to stare at him with his mouth hanging open and a shocked look on his face for several more minutes.
-Finally it was break time. Derek went to the vending machine and pulled out a dollar. He put it into the machine, intending to get a bag of Doritos, but the machine rejected it and said to use change only. Derek arched an eyebrow and shrugged; he didn't have any change, but there was a change machine right next to the vending machine, so it wasn't a problem.
-He put the dollar in the change machine, and it also rejected his money. Derek narrowed his eyes and saw a little red light next to the "out of order" message. Derek crumpled the dollar in his hand and said, "You whore." Defeated, and hungry, Derek sat down at a table and joined Melony: a twenty nine year old divorcee with three kids who had just ended an abusive relationship with a guy who drank too much. Despite all that, she still looked nineteen and very pretty.
-Derek acted civil towards her because she was a coworker, and because she had already filed a sexual harassment complaint against another guy, but the truth was that Derek had nothing but contempt for her. She had just left her alcoholic husband, so who did she start dating afterwards? Vince: a twenty year old looser with a drinking problem and the emotional maturity of a five year old.
-She immediately began to complain about all the problems she was having with Vince. She pointed out every one of Vince's flaws that she should have known he had before the two of them started going out. Derek had only known the guy a few days, and his flaws had been instantly apparent. Then she said that she wished that Vince was a better listener, like Derek was.
-"Uh-huh," was all Derek could say in response. Nothing made him hate women more than when they compared him to their boyfriends and said they wanted them to be more like him. If that were true, he would have had at least one girlfriend by this point in his life.
-At the end of the shift, Derek was forced to sweep the floors before leaving. He set down his water bottle and did the job begrudgingly, but when he got done, he found that his water bottle had been thrown away and the garbage had been taken out. He stuck his swollen middle finger up at the sky in quiet defiance and eagerly left the building.
-Derek drove home feeling drained and enraged. With the radio broken, there was nothing to distract him from his own thoughts; thoughts of how much he hated his life and how it was only going to get worse. He got home and pulled into the driveway to find his parents' cars were not there.
-Derek put his car in the garage and went to get out of his car, but he hit his head on the top rim of the door. His already sore head ached so bad that he almost past out. Derek held the top of his head and shook with rage until he just couldn't hold it in any longer. He stuck his middle fingers up at the ceiling, extending his fingers as hard as he could, as if the act were hurting someone and screamed, "YOU BABY RAPING, INCOPETENT SICK SONUVABITCH MOTHER HUMPING SCROTUM LICKER! I'm going to bring this whole car with me to the after life, and when I get there I'LL DO BURN OUTS ON YOUR UGLY FACE YOU PRICK!"
-Derek got back in his car and started it up. He revved the engine, and the garage began to fill with exhaust. Derek rolled down the windows and welcomed the end. He began to cough and felt sick, before long he passed out with a smile on his face.
-Derek woke up gagging with an oxygen mask over his face. He was in an ambulance heading for the hospital once again. He could hear his mother telling the paramedics that he had fallen asleep in his car after a long day at work. He almost laughed at her story, but the fact that he had been cheated out of death yet again sucked all the humor out of him. How the hell had Steve's girlfriend managed to do it?
-He had managed to get a new job relatively quickly, which was good considering his sizable doctor bill. It was a job at a distribution center. Derek just unloaded boxes from trucks which wasn't too difficult. He wouldn't have to be to work for an hour, so he wanted to go to his favorite web sites and check his email.
-He clicked on his email and saw a message from someone he knew: a Christian fanatic that he enjoyed arguing with. She would argue that god loved him, and Derek would counter that god was a cock sucking asshole. He read the email and sure enough, it was another ridiculous story about angels taking refuge from the rain in a barn, so they asked the grim reaper to kill a cow instead of the farmer.
-Derek pinched the bridge of his nose between his eyes; it never ceased to amaze him how incredibly stupid she could be. He typed out a long response which basically said that it was pretty stupid to use a fairytale to make an argument. He clicked send, and the computer froze up.
-Derek stared at the screen for a few seconds, telling himself to be patient, but when the message saying that the internet had to close popped up, Derek grabbed the side of his computer and slammed it against the side of the wooden shelf that it rested on. "You fucking sack of techno shit; I'LL SEND YOU TO THE DEPTHS OF COMPUTER HELL!" Derek screamed in anger. A piece of plastic popped off of the computer bounced off of his forehead. Derek sighed as he lowered his head and mumbled, "You bitch."
-Derek got up and walked out of the room, stubbing his toe on the inside of the doorway as he left. He cursed and hoped up and down before punching the wall, hurting his hand. He growled in aggravation and decided to leave for work early before he ended up ripping the whole house apart. He grabbed several items for work: a water bottle, keys, a watch and some money for the vending machines at the hub.
-He went out to his new car, if it could be called that. He wasn't really sure where his parents had gotten it, or who had convinced them to take it off of their hands. It looked like some kind of infant station wagon with the lifting hatch in the back, but not the long body he would expect for such a vehicle. The car was so light that Derek was convinced it would fly off the road if he went too fast.
-Not that he could ever go too fast; the car only had two cylinders, so it was annoyingly slow. The speakers didn't work either, not that Derek cared about that. The seatbelt was automatic, sliding forward and backward when the door was opened or closed. And to top it all off, the damn thing smelled like warthog B.O.
-Derek opened the door and the seatbelt slid forward. He got in, closed the door, and the seatbelt slid back, but it was so tight that Derek could barely breath. "What the fuck?" Derek asked as he tried to slip out of the strap, but the seatbelt was too tight and the car too small for him escape. Derek tried to lean forward and force the seatbelt to give, but then realized it was a pretty stupid idea since the things were designed to handle car crashes.
-Then Derek closed his eyes and chuckled at his own foolishness. He reached up and clicked the emergency release for the seatbelt. It clicked loose and retracted all the way into his seat. Derek looked at the buckle for a second trying to figure out what all that had been about. Coming up with no answer, he shrugged and pulled it out, latching it back in and finding that it was back to normal. "This day is starting out great," he said to himself as he started up the car and headed for work.
-He got to work and found that he had to park in the very back row because all the good spots were taken. Despite his remote location, Derek still found one of his coworkers where he pulled up. He got out of his car and the boy walked up to him with a big amused smile on his face. "Boner salad!" he yelled out.
-Derek just stared at him blankly, not understanding what he meant. "Um...no thanks," Derek said. He recognized the boy as Beck: with out a doubt the most obnoxious guy Derek had ever met. He was tall with black hair and a goatee. He always wore black trench coats with a black hat that made him look like a government agent or something. Derek had only worked at the place for a week, but already he had learned that Beck was prone to random statements that made absolutely no sense.
-"What the hell is that thing?" Beck asked while laughing. It was obvious he was referring to Derek's car. "My god, it looks like the aborted bastard child of a station wagon and a go-kart." Derek simply grunted in response. "So newbie, are you ready for another night of pain and suffering?" Beck asked with a goofy grin.
-"Always," Derek answered; his voice couldn't have been less enthusiastic if he had been a robot. The two of them made the long trek up to the guard shack. Derek went through first, placing his keys and watch on the counter and walking through the metal detectors. Despite having discarded all his metal, the machine still beeped, and Derek assumed a position all too familiar to him thanks to high school. He raised his hands and spread his legs as the guards waved a wand over him.
-Satisfied that he had simply bumped the machine, Derek and Beck continued on into the air hub, it was a very large building with a dizzying network of conveyor belts and bustling activity. Trucks lined up with bays, and karts pulled around small trailers for irregular packages.
-Derek and Beck made their way to their work area, and after several minutes of listening to Beck ramble on about how much he hated his job, it was time to get to work. Derek got stuck in a semi trailer with a boy named Steve who was even smaller in frame than Derek was. He had short red hair and was usually the most cheerful and energetic one around, so much so that management had tested him for drugs twice.
-But today Steve was very melancholy, and although Derek normally wouldn't care, hearing about someone else's misery might just cheer him up. "What's wrong?" he asked, trying his best to sound sympathetic.
-Steve sighed. "Well, my girlfriend dumped me last night and then I found out that she killed herself this morning," he answered as he tossed another box on the belt.
-"Oh," Derek answered. There was a pause between the two as they continued working and then Derek looked at Steve and asked, "How'd she do it?"
-Instead of answering the question, Steve put an irregular package on the belt for Derek to get. It was a piece of metal that weighed over a hundred pounds and was attached to a wooden pallet by what looked like saran wrap. Derek was forced to tilt the large ereg on its side. Unbeknownst to him, this caused the metal to distend the saran wrap, so when he righted it again, it dropped and landed on his hand.
-Derek looked down at the metal resting on his hand without so much as a twitching eyebrow. "Hmm...that really hurts," he said calmly to himself, as he lifted up the metal to free his hand. He saw a large red mark on the back of his hand, but he flexed his fingers and didn't seem to be hurt. He moved the ereg over to the slide where the tug drivers would take it away. Unfortunately, Derek tripped on the grated floor and the pallet came down on the tip of his middle finger.
-Derek stood straight up and bit his lip while clenching his fist. He emitted a low growl as he tried hard not to loose his temper at his new job. He looked at his middle finger and saw it was already swelling up. Derek just shook his head and said, "my favorite finger too."
-Derek went back into the truck and continued to work, ignoring the throbbing pain in his hand. The packages in the truck he was working in were pilled to the ceiling. Derek was a faster worker than Steve, so he made more progress. This, however, had the unforeseen consequence of leaving a wall of boxes towering over him to his right where Steve was working.
-Derek leaned down to get the bottom box, and several heavy boxes came down on the back of his head. Derek was buried under the packages. Steve moved to help, but Derek stood up, flinging his inanimate attackers off of his back and roaring in anger. "COCK SUCKING PISS MOTHER FUCKING SACK OF SHIT!" He punched the side of the truck several times and then stood with his head hung low and his fists clenched.
-It had hurt like hell, but the pain didn't really bother him. It had just made him angry. He calmed himself down and then went back to work as if nothing had happened. Steve continued to stare at him with his mouth hanging open and a shocked look on his face for several more minutes.
-Finally it was break time. Derek went to the vending machine and pulled out a dollar. He put it into the machine, intending to get a bag of Doritos, but the machine rejected it and said to use change only. Derek arched an eyebrow and shrugged; he didn't have any change, but there was a change machine right next to the vending machine, so it wasn't a problem.
-He put the dollar in the change machine, and it also rejected his money. Derek narrowed his eyes and saw a little red light next to the "out of order" message. Derek crumpled the dollar in his hand and said, "You whore." Defeated, and hungry, Derek sat down at a table and joined Melony: a twenty nine year old divorcee with three kids who had just ended an abusive relationship with a guy who drank too much. Despite all that, she still looked nineteen and very pretty.
-Derek acted civil towards her because she was a coworker, and because she had already filed a sexual harassment complaint against another guy, but the truth was that Derek had nothing but contempt for her. She had just left her alcoholic husband, so who did she start dating afterwards? Vince: a twenty year old looser with a drinking problem and the emotional maturity of a five year old.
-She immediately began to complain about all the problems she was having with Vince. She pointed out every one of Vince's flaws that she should have known he had before the two of them started going out. Derek had only known the guy a few days, and his flaws had been instantly apparent. Then she said that she wished that Vince was a better listener, like Derek was.
-"Uh-huh," was all Derek could say in response. Nothing made him hate women more than when they compared him to their boyfriends and said they wanted them to be more like him. If that were true, he would have had at least one girlfriend by this point in his life.
-At the end of the shift, Derek was forced to sweep the floors before leaving. He set down his water bottle and did the job begrudgingly, but when he got done, he found that his water bottle had been thrown away and the garbage had been taken out. He stuck his swollen middle finger up at the sky in quiet defiance and eagerly left the building.
-Derek drove home feeling drained and enraged. With the radio broken, there was nothing to distract him from his own thoughts; thoughts of how much he hated his life and how it was only going to get worse. He got home and pulled into the driveway to find his parents' cars were not there.
-Derek put his car in the garage and went to get out of his car, but he hit his head on the top rim of the door. His already sore head ached so bad that he almost past out. Derek held the top of his head and shook with rage until he just couldn't hold it in any longer. He stuck his middle fingers up at the ceiling, extending his fingers as hard as he could, as if the act were hurting someone and screamed, "YOU BABY RAPING, INCOPETENT SICK SONUVABITCH MOTHER HUMPING SCROTUM LICKER! I'm going to bring this whole car with me to the after life, and when I get there I'LL DO BURN OUTS ON YOUR UGLY FACE YOU PRICK!"
-Derek got back in his car and started it up. He revved the engine, and the garage began to fill with exhaust. Derek rolled down the windows and welcomed the end. He began to cough and felt sick, before long he passed out with a smile on his face.
-Derek woke up gagging with an oxygen mask over his face. He was in an ambulance heading for the hospital once again. He could hear his mother telling the paramedics that he had fallen asleep in his car after a long day at work. He almost laughed at her story, but the fact that he had been cheated out of death yet again sucked all the humor out of him. How the hell had Steve's girlfriend managed to do it?
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