Categories > Original > Humor > The Suicidal Immortal 2


by Togot 2 reviews

Ever have a day where everything goes wrong? For Derek that is every day and he wants to end it. There's just one problem, it seems that he can't

Category: Humor - Rating: R - Genres: Humor, Sci-fi - Warnings: [V] - Published: 2006-10-20 - Updated: 2006-10-21 - 1641 words

-Derek sat alone in a small café. He had no memory of how he had gotten there but he didn't really care. The bell above the door rang and a beautiful girl walked in. Normally Derek paid no attention to such things but he found that he couldn't take his attention off of her.

-The girl sat right next to Derek and smiled warmly at him. It made him feel oddly happy and he smiled back in spite of himself. The girl wrapped one arm around his and she rested her head on his shoulder. Derek felt content and warm inside. All of his problems seemed so small and all he wanted to do was stay with her forever.

-Derek opened his eyes and saw his familiar ceiling. For half a second he hoped that his dream had been real but no sooner had the thought entered his mind than he cursed himself for being so foolish. The warmth and contentment he had felt only moments ago were instantly gone, and he felt their loss.

-"God...damn it."

-Derek got out of bed and shook the memories out of his head. For him, the only thing worse than nightmares were good dreams; when he awoke from them he found himself back in his miserable life. Derek got dressed and was ready for yet another miserable day of his insufferable life.

-Derek put on a heaping helping of deodorant and cologne. It had been over a week now but the stench from the skunk just wouldn't leave him. Even before his run-in with the ass-end of the striped mammal, Derek had always received grief for his body odor. He showered every day, used deodorant and changed his clothes but still those around him had always insisted that he smelled bad. And now things were even worse, but at least he had an excuse.

-It was a Saturday and Derek didn't have to go into work for several hours so he decided to spend some time on his computer. As he walked to the computer room he passed through the kitchen and noticed a note on the refrigerator. Upon closer inspection Derek realized it was a to do list from his mother to him: take out garbage, do laundry, empty dishwasher, clean dog pen, fill dogs' water, clean back room and mow lawn. Derek thought for a moment and then made one addition to the list, attempt suicide (again).

-He pocketed the list and continued on to the computer room. He turned the thing on and followed the instructions someone at work had given him. He went opened the file he was looking for and copied down the operational specs of his computer before he tried to get online.

-After an annoying wait, the page finally came up and Derek clicked on his email. Derek looked over the messages he had: five porn ads, three advertisements offers for things he didn't need or want and one message from someone he actually knew.

-Derek deleted the unwanted items, clicked the massage, and watched as the computer froze up. Derek tried to refresh the page to no avail. He tried to close the window but again was met with failure. Derek reset his computer as a last resort and waited for it to reboot. Instead, he got to watch his computer enter another physical memory dump loop.

-With I defeated sigh, Derek grabbed the side of his computer and slammed into the side of the wall before he turned it off. "I swear," Derek said exasperated, "if I can't fix you I'll send you straight to techno hell, get a new computer and place your fucking remains right next to it as a warning."

-Derek left the computer room and set about his tasks. He got the garbage bag tied up and took it outside. He lifted the bag over the fence that held the garbage cans in place, and tore the bottom of the bag open on part of the fence. Liquid filth spilled on Derek's feet and trash fell to the ground.

-" just keeps on sucking."

-Derek then his other tasks without incident until he did the dog pen, and once again, the bag tore open and coved his shoes with shit. Derek shook his head and wallowed in his mental misery before cleaning himself off and going back inside. He checked the clock and saw it was almost time for work. He looked down at the last thing on his list and decided he didn't have enough time to kill himself, unless an opportunity presented itself on the way.

-As Derek drove to work he heard a strange noise coming from the back of the car but thought nothing of it. The noise persisted and he decided to take a look at it after he got back home. He pulled into the parking lot and found a parking spot near the entrance which he took while allowing himself a brief moment of alleviated misery. At least he did until his boss yelled at him to park at furthest end of the parking lot so all the customers could get the good spots.

-Derek went up to the break room to wait until his shift started, stopping by the schedule to see that his hours had been cut yet again. He got to the break room to find that all the seats were taken so he was forced to stand in a corner and endure the soap opera that everyone was watching.

-After a few minutes, Derek went down to go to work. He made his way to a nearest checkout lane, looked up and suddenly wondered if he was still asleep and dreaming. Standing at the register, was Stacy.

-"...god really is a sick bastard," Derek blurted out loud.

-"I didn't know that you worked here," Stacy said in a condescending tone. Derek shot her a smirk in response and moved to a different lane. He found his friend Alex and showed him the computer data he had written down before coming to work. The boy looked it over and gave a confused look.

-"Your computer has more ram than mine," Alex said, "I don't know why it keeps messing up on you. Maybe you have a virus or something.

-"Yeah," Derek said, "something is right."

-Derek hadn't been working for very long when his supervisor came up to him and discreetly told him that the manager wanted to see him in the office. Derek walked to the back of the store, but not before catching Stacy smiling out the corner of his eye.

-Derek walked into the tiny office were the store meager was sitting his chair. Derek stood in the doorway and waited for the pencil neck to acknowledge him. After typing something on his computer, the manager turned to address Derek and why he was called.

-"Derek, I have gotten some complaints about your hygiene. This, as well as several other concerns, has forced us to let you go."

- "...I'm fired because I smell bad?" Derek asked.

-The manager gave a long winded speech which basically said yes and Derek nodded and left the office. Derek briefly considered arguing that it as due to a skunk but decided against it. He doubted the manager would listen and it wouldn't stop him from sending him home without pay.

-Before he left the store for the last time, Derek went into the employee bathroom area. Having worked at the store for so long, Derek knew that it was possible to lock the male bathroom door from the outside. He clogged the drain with paper towels, turned the sink on and closed the door while keeping it locked.

-"Well...I feel better," Derek said just before leaving the store. He could only hope that Stacy would be the one who had to clean up the mess. As he walked out to his car, Derek felt pretty good about himself for the first time in months. He started up his old clunker and drove away.

-On his way home a cat ran out into the road and Derek swerved to avoid it, and went straight into the path of a semi. The next thing that Derek knew, he was lying in a hospital bed. Ever inch of his body ached and he was covered in bandages.

-"Son of a..." Derek slowly sat up and looked around. There was a doctor at the end of his bed looking at a chart, probably Derek's. The man looked and seemed surprised to see Derek awake.

-"Derek, I'm Dr. Rosstin," the man said in the condescending tone that adults always took when they were trying to explain something that they thought was too much for a kid to handle. "You were in a car accident son; you're in the hospital."

-"Yeah I figured that much," Derek said. He looked out the window and didn't see any buildings. "What floor are we on?"

-"Um...the third floor. Why?"

-"No reason," Derek answered. The doctor left the room to get Derek's parents and the moment the door was closed Derek forced himself out of bed. Despite having a head on collision with a semi truck, Derek had managed to escape without any serious broken bones. It was no doubt another, twisted miracle. Derek walked over to the window, opened it up and jumped out without a second thought.

-As he fell to the ground Derek looked down and saw an ambulance crew directly below him wheeling a gurney back into their vehicle. Derek had just enough time before hitting the cushioned to scream, "YOU MOTHER FUCK..."

-Derek opened his eyes to find himself back in his hospital bed. He looked down at his leg in a cast. He laid his head back and chuckled to himself. "Un-fucking believable."
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