Categories > Original > Humor > The Suicidal Immortal 2


by Togot 2 reviews

Ever have a day where everything goes wrong? For Derek that is every day and he wants to end it. There's just one problem, it seems that he can't

Category: Humor - Rating: R - Genres: Humor, Sci-fi - Warnings: [V] - Published: 2006-08-18 - Updated: 2006-08-18 - 1156 words

-Derek sat at his computer typing away with tired hands. He had been working on his school paper for over an hour and was just finishing up. Five pages long and more words than he cared to count. Derek finished the spell check and proofreading and was just about to save it all, when the power went out.

-Derek stared at the blank screen for several seconds, not wanting to acknowledge what had just happened. He looked down at the computer power light and confirmed that it was off. He looked around and realized the power to the entire house was also off. And that meant that all of his work was gone and he would have to type it all over again.

-"You dirty son of a..." Derek stopped his own sentence and took a deep breath. And then he punched the computer so hard it put a dent in the side of the metal covering. With no form of electronic entertainment, Derek decided to unpack his things.

-About a week earlier, Derek's parents had planned to buy a house and had instructed him to box up all his things. He had done so without question. A few days later, and much to his lack of surprise, Derek's parents learned that someone else had bought the house. Since there would be no moving, Derek saw no reason for his things to remain in storage.

-He grabbed a flashlight and went downstairs, stubbing his toe along the way. When he found the box he was looking for his jaw dropped. Derek had carefully placed his collection of Lego creations in a large box, and his parents had moved it and tipped it on its side.

-Derek gently righted the box and cringed when he heard the contents tumbling around inside. He picked the box up, turned around and smacked his head on a low beam. After a few choice curses he took the box upstairs, opened it and wanted to cry. His creations lay in ruins; most of them were his own designs, made years ago so he would have to put them back together by memory, if he could.

-Derek closed the box and put it away. He wasn't in the mood to try and put them all back together. Realizing there was nothing else for him to do with the power off; Derek decided to go outside for some fresh air.

-The door hadn't even closed behind him when his mother came walking up to him with one of her "I need a favor" expressions on her face. Derek mentally prepared himself for whatever misery she was about to inflict upon him yet again.

-She told him about a baby cat that she had seen in the woods near their home. Apparently she wanted him to go find the kitten and bring it home so she could take it to the animal shelter. Derek wasn't really in the mood to do her a favor, but he knew that if he didn't she wouldn't stop nagging him until he did.

-Derek made his way into the forest and listened for the cat. The woods were overgrown with vegetation and Derek stepped through several spider webs. Flies and mosquitoes flew around his sweating face and all around him animals scurried away. Every time a bird flew off or a squirrel scampered up a tree Derek had to investigate to make sure it wasn't the cat.

-After half an hour Derek picked up the sound of a kitten meowing nearby. It seemed to be coming from a hollowed out stump so Derek got down to try and lure the little animal out. After several minutes he was ready to give up. Derek stood up, and the cat ran across the log, past him and away into the bushes.

-With a sigh Derek took off after the little animal. He lost track of the feline but stumbled on a hole in the ground. It was obviously a burrow so Derek thought the cat's mother and maybe its brothers and sisters were inside.

-Derek got down on his hands and knees to try and coax the animals out. He defiantly heard something inside moving around but when he got closer he sniffed the air. There was a distinctive smell that was somewhat familiar, but he didn't realize what it was until it was too late.

-Derek heard a growl from the hole just before a spray of liquid shot out, and into his face. Derek fell on his back gagging from the stench. As it turned out, the burrow belonged to a skunk.

-"WHAT THE FUCK!" Derek coughed as he tried to wipe the rancid liquid from his face. "Cock sucking son of a bitch sack of shit whore monkey child molesting bastard loving FUCK FACED PIECE OF SHIT!"

-Derek continued to mumble expletives to himself as he walked home. He jumped the fence to cut through the backyard. He made it a few steps when he slipped on something and fell flat on his back. He looked down and saw that what he had slipped in was dog crap.


-A trip to the store by his mother and several cans of tomato soup later, Derek was taking a red bath. Thanks to the power still being off he had to bathe under candle light, at least until it went out. Derek felt his mind snap and he stood up, reached out and grabbed the candle off of the sink. He crushed the extinguished light in his fingers as the rage built inside him once again.

-"Oh I'm gunna fix you!" Derek said holding his waxy fist up at the dark ceiling. "You scrotum sucking, horse fucking, vile PESTILENCE! I'm going to beat you down with a fucking telephone pole and then I'm going to shove it RIGHT UP YOUR ASS and wave you around like my personal flag you SICK FUCK!"

-Derek franticly looked around the room but it was too dark to see anything he could use. Then he looked down, drowning wasn't his ideal way to go but he didn't much care at that point. He positioned himself face down and then slammed his head down on the rim of the tub.

-Derek slowly woke up with a splitting headache. He lifted himself off of the wet floor of the tub and looked around. The lights were back on and the tub was all but empty. When he looked to the other end of the tub he realized what had happened.

-When Derek had lost consciousness his foot knocked the cover off of the drain. There had only been about two inches of liquid in the tub to begin with so it hadn't taken long to empty. With an exasperated sigh, Derek lowered himself back down and closed his eyes. The cool bottom of the tub helped ease his headache, slightly.

-"It's just not fair."
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