Categories > Original > Humor > The Suicidal Immortal 2
-Derek looked up at the same ceiling he had been staring at for hours. He had been home for a few days now but his room in the basement had been overcome with the stench of mildew and even his inattentive parents wouldn't force him to sleep in that. At least not after Derek had pointed out the potential medical expenses if he got sick from it.
-So now Derek was lying on the upstairs couch, uncomfortably staring at the ceiling, unable to fall asleep. He shot a glimpse over to the clock and saw that it was three in the morning. He let out a sigh and closed his eyes again. His mind was a jumble of images that he couldn't shut out no matter how hard he tried. Despite fact that his wounds had healed his body still ached and complained even while immobile.
-At long last, and just before going insane, Derek felt himself lose his grip on consciousness and drift into the welcoming blackness. He didn't care what horrible nightmares would come or whether he would ever wake up again. The only part of his dreams that he truly disliked was how he acted in them, he had no control over his behavior and he hated being such a coward. Rather than look into the matter he had decided to simply see his dreams like a movie, with someone else as the star.
-Despite his best efforts Derek did not remain asleep long enough to dream. He was awoken but kept his eyes closed. He was aware that there was something else in the room with him. His mind was still too disoriented to think straight so he opened his eye, and saw a large animal's head right in front of his face.
-In his drowsy state Derek believed he was looking at a werewolf which was about to rip him to pieces. He felt no sense of fear or panic, or even joy. Derek simply and calmly thought to himself "well...I'm dead."
-The animal slowly moved its face closer to Derek's, and licked his nose. The cold saliva and bad breath pulled Derek back to reality and he recognized his large dog Nikki. She wagged her tail happily and Derek patted her on the head before lying down, and hearing his parent's alarm clock go off.
-Derek looked at the nearby digital clock again and moaned in protest. It was five o'clock and the two hours of sleep had had snatched was all he was going to get. Derek moved to get up and banged his shin on the nearby coffee table. It was the beginning of yet another horrible day.
-He moved to the back door to let the dogs outside. As the beasts ran out the door Grizzly, a big dog too dumb to know his own strength, stepped on Derek's unprotected foot. Derek cringed in pain but it was more irritating than anything. He turned around to find a large pile of dog crap sitting on the floor that he would have to pick up.
-"...shit." Derek said as he went to get a paper towel. He cleaned up the mess and decided he didn't want to go back to school just yet. There was just one problem; he couldn't find the number to call in. During his hospital stay his parents had decided they wanted to move and one of the first things they packed, for some reason, was the phone book.
-Derek rummaged through the pile of boxes in the garage but he couldn't find it. He looked through every box but the book was no where to be found. He looked at the clock and realized he wasn't going to find it in time. Derek left the garage, but not before smacking the side of his head on a low hanging wooden beam.
-So, with a throbbing headache, Derek got ready for school. A few minutes later he got into the car his parents had found for him to cheer him up, or far more likely so they wouldn't have to drive him anywhere. They had gotten it for a dollar from a friend of theirs much like the last one. And much like the last one it was a piece of shit.
-It was a small red car that looked more like a go-kart than an automobile. Derek messed with the stick shift and made it out of the drive way and went to school. His body still hurt but at least he no longer had the face cast on. He would have preferred staying home another day or two but perhaps it was better to go back. Due to all of his recent trips to the hospital his homework had begun to pile up.
-It was a boiling hot summer day and since Derek's car had no air conditioner he had to drive with the window down to stay cool. Unfortunately it was such a dry day that it was like trying to cool down using a blow dryer.
-When Derek got to school he couldn't find a parking space so he had to park on the curb. He would have hoped that nothing would happen to the vehicle but he had learned that hoping didn't help much. He found his spot by his tree and waited to start another episode of "this miserable school."
-Derek made it through most of the day without incident, at least no more than normal. There was always the occasional shove in the hallway or spit wad from behind but he was desensitized to all of that. At lunch time Derek was sitting by himself as always when he noticed Stacy talking to Nick Das, a fellow unwanted, unpopular, disliked outcast. Derek figured that Stacy was trying to talk him into helping her with the test that she would be taking after lunch. Unfortunately for her, Nick was gay.
-After lunch Derek went to his chemistry class. He hadn't had the chance to study for the test, but then he didn't really need to. Stacy sat two seats behind him, looking pissed off. Derek allowed himself a small grin, knowing that Nick had turned her down. At least Derek wasn't the only one having a bad day.
-Derek was the first to turn his test in so he went back to his desk, put his head down and tried to block out the pain and rage that consumed him every second of every day. Mr. Welch graded the tests as they came in. When the last one was finished and graded he stood up to address the class.
-"I must say I'm disappointed," the teacher said in his usual disapproving father voice. "Only one of you passed the test." Derek raised his head slightly, knowing what was coming. "Derek managed to get a straight A and not one of the rest of you could even manage a D. The class will retake the test. Derek, you can do an extra credit assignment if you like."
-Derek lowered his head back down with a sigh. Mr. Welch had just made his life a lot more complicated. Even with his head down he could feel his classmates glaring at him. Derek hated being smarter than the others sometimes. He also hated that Nick wasn't in his class to take some of the heat.
-Derek got through the rest of the day without too much of a problem. The bell rang and he made it to his car without being ambushed, only to find it covered with garbage. Derek found that his classmates had included their failed tests to decorate his vehicle, along with a lot of soda.
-Derek sighed, shaking his head. It took him a few minutes to clean off his car but he decided to let the wind take care of the rest. He drove towards home, window down and eager to watch some TV. He was almost to the bridge that spanned across the river when he passed a little league baseball game that was in progress. He didn't think anything of it, until a ball came flying through the window and hit him in the head.
-"WHAT THE FUCK?" Derek screamed as he slammed on the brakes and pulled his car over to the side of the rode. The baseball hit him in the same spot he had smacked his head in the garage. With clenched teeth he picked up the baseball and tossed it back out his window.
-Derek got out of the car and slammed the door shut as he looked up at the sky. He made several obscene gestures up at the clouds and then he looked over at the bridge and then back up at the sky with a smile.
-"Oh now you're gunna get it you scrotum licking horse fucker!" Derek said as he made his way onto the bridge. "I'm going to find myself an oar and paddle your ASS when I find you! Then I'm going to shove it up your ass so far you're going to get splinters one your fucking TONGUE!"
-Derek made his way to the middle of the bridge over the river. He didn't even bother looking down as he jumped off. As he fell he looked up and stuck both of his middle fingers toward the sky in a final defiant gesture before hitting the water. Derek hardly even registered the impact, there was a split second of pain and then he blacked out.
-Derek spat up a mouthful of water and choked for air. He was on something solid, and moving. He rolled on his side to spit up the water in his mouth. His body hurt like hell, and he was freezing cold despite the heat of the day. He looked up and saw three men standing over him.
-"Boy, you must be the luckiest kid on the planet," one of the men said. "I mean what are the odds of you falling off a bridge and landing right next to a boat with a fireman, police officer and a paramedic on a fishing trip together?"
-"Yeah," Derek said sarcastically, "...what are the odds?"
-So now Derek was lying on the upstairs couch, uncomfortably staring at the ceiling, unable to fall asleep. He shot a glimpse over to the clock and saw that it was three in the morning. He let out a sigh and closed his eyes again. His mind was a jumble of images that he couldn't shut out no matter how hard he tried. Despite fact that his wounds had healed his body still ached and complained even while immobile.
-At long last, and just before going insane, Derek felt himself lose his grip on consciousness and drift into the welcoming blackness. He didn't care what horrible nightmares would come or whether he would ever wake up again. The only part of his dreams that he truly disliked was how he acted in them, he had no control over his behavior and he hated being such a coward. Rather than look into the matter he had decided to simply see his dreams like a movie, with someone else as the star.
-Despite his best efforts Derek did not remain asleep long enough to dream. He was awoken but kept his eyes closed. He was aware that there was something else in the room with him. His mind was still too disoriented to think straight so he opened his eye, and saw a large animal's head right in front of his face.
-In his drowsy state Derek believed he was looking at a werewolf which was about to rip him to pieces. He felt no sense of fear or panic, or even joy. Derek simply and calmly thought to himself "well...I'm dead."
-The animal slowly moved its face closer to Derek's, and licked his nose. The cold saliva and bad breath pulled Derek back to reality and he recognized his large dog Nikki. She wagged her tail happily and Derek patted her on the head before lying down, and hearing his parent's alarm clock go off.
-Derek looked at the nearby digital clock again and moaned in protest. It was five o'clock and the two hours of sleep had had snatched was all he was going to get. Derek moved to get up and banged his shin on the nearby coffee table. It was the beginning of yet another horrible day.
-He moved to the back door to let the dogs outside. As the beasts ran out the door Grizzly, a big dog too dumb to know his own strength, stepped on Derek's unprotected foot. Derek cringed in pain but it was more irritating than anything. He turned around to find a large pile of dog crap sitting on the floor that he would have to pick up.
-"...shit." Derek said as he went to get a paper towel. He cleaned up the mess and decided he didn't want to go back to school just yet. There was just one problem; he couldn't find the number to call in. During his hospital stay his parents had decided they wanted to move and one of the first things they packed, for some reason, was the phone book.
-Derek rummaged through the pile of boxes in the garage but he couldn't find it. He looked through every box but the book was no where to be found. He looked at the clock and realized he wasn't going to find it in time. Derek left the garage, but not before smacking the side of his head on a low hanging wooden beam.
-So, with a throbbing headache, Derek got ready for school. A few minutes later he got into the car his parents had found for him to cheer him up, or far more likely so they wouldn't have to drive him anywhere. They had gotten it for a dollar from a friend of theirs much like the last one. And much like the last one it was a piece of shit.
-It was a small red car that looked more like a go-kart than an automobile. Derek messed with the stick shift and made it out of the drive way and went to school. His body still hurt but at least he no longer had the face cast on. He would have preferred staying home another day or two but perhaps it was better to go back. Due to all of his recent trips to the hospital his homework had begun to pile up.
-It was a boiling hot summer day and since Derek's car had no air conditioner he had to drive with the window down to stay cool. Unfortunately it was such a dry day that it was like trying to cool down using a blow dryer.
-When Derek got to school he couldn't find a parking space so he had to park on the curb. He would have hoped that nothing would happen to the vehicle but he had learned that hoping didn't help much. He found his spot by his tree and waited to start another episode of "this miserable school."
-Derek made it through most of the day without incident, at least no more than normal. There was always the occasional shove in the hallway or spit wad from behind but he was desensitized to all of that. At lunch time Derek was sitting by himself as always when he noticed Stacy talking to Nick Das, a fellow unwanted, unpopular, disliked outcast. Derek figured that Stacy was trying to talk him into helping her with the test that she would be taking after lunch. Unfortunately for her, Nick was gay.
-After lunch Derek went to his chemistry class. He hadn't had the chance to study for the test, but then he didn't really need to. Stacy sat two seats behind him, looking pissed off. Derek allowed himself a small grin, knowing that Nick had turned her down. At least Derek wasn't the only one having a bad day.
-Derek was the first to turn his test in so he went back to his desk, put his head down and tried to block out the pain and rage that consumed him every second of every day. Mr. Welch graded the tests as they came in. When the last one was finished and graded he stood up to address the class.
-"I must say I'm disappointed," the teacher said in his usual disapproving father voice. "Only one of you passed the test." Derek raised his head slightly, knowing what was coming. "Derek managed to get a straight A and not one of the rest of you could even manage a D. The class will retake the test. Derek, you can do an extra credit assignment if you like."
-Derek lowered his head back down with a sigh. Mr. Welch had just made his life a lot more complicated. Even with his head down he could feel his classmates glaring at him. Derek hated being smarter than the others sometimes. He also hated that Nick wasn't in his class to take some of the heat.
-Derek got through the rest of the day without too much of a problem. The bell rang and he made it to his car without being ambushed, only to find it covered with garbage. Derek found that his classmates had included their failed tests to decorate his vehicle, along with a lot of soda.
-Derek sighed, shaking his head. It took him a few minutes to clean off his car but he decided to let the wind take care of the rest. He drove towards home, window down and eager to watch some TV. He was almost to the bridge that spanned across the river when he passed a little league baseball game that was in progress. He didn't think anything of it, until a ball came flying through the window and hit him in the head.
-"WHAT THE FUCK?" Derek screamed as he slammed on the brakes and pulled his car over to the side of the rode. The baseball hit him in the same spot he had smacked his head in the garage. With clenched teeth he picked up the baseball and tossed it back out his window.
-Derek got out of the car and slammed the door shut as he looked up at the sky. He made several obscene gestures up at the clouds and then he looked over at the bridge and then back up at the sky with a smile.
-"Oh now you're gunna get it you scrotum licking horse fucker!" Derek said as he made his way onto the bridge. "I'm going to find myself an oar and paddle your ASS when I find you! Then I'm going to shove it up your ass so far you're going to get splinters one your fucking TONGUE!"
-Derek made his way to the middle of the bridge over the river. He didn't even bother looking down as he jumped off. As he fell he looked up and stuck both of his middle fingers toward the sky in a final defiant gesture before hitting the water. Derek hardly even registered the impact, there was a split second of pain and then he blacked out.
-Derek spat up a mouthful of water and choked for air. He was on something solid, and moving. He rolled on his side to spit up the water in his mouth. His body hurt like hell, and he was freezing cold despite the heat of the day. He looked up and saw three men standing over him.
-"Boy, you must be the luckiest kid on the planet," one of the men said. "I mean what are the odds of you falling off a bridge and landing right next to a boat with a fireman, police officer and a paramedic on a fishing trip together?"
-"Yeah," Derek said sarcastically, "...what are the odds?"
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