Categories > Original > Humor > The Suicidal Immortal 2


by Togot 1 review

Ever have a day where everything goes wrong? For Derek that is every day and he wants to end it. There's just one problem, it seems that he can't

Category: Humor - Rating: R - Genres: Humor, Sci-fi - Warnings: [V] - Published: 2006-07-09 - Updated: 2006-07-10 - 1814 words

-After school Derek had to go to work, a little part time job at a hell hole posing as a grocery store. He had no car and his mother was too busy to drive him so after putting on his lovely red work shirt he had to walk to the store. It wasn't too far away, but it was a very hot day so Derek was already sweating by the time he got there.

-He clocked in and checked the cart schedule; once again he was the only one on it for the full five hours he had to work. With an irritated sigh he took his position at the end of one of the four checkout lanes, only two of which were open, and prepared for another glorious day bagging peoples' groceries.

-After a few minutes an old man came up behind Derek and tried to push the empty cart behind Derek out of the way. Derek, being the nice guy he was, tried to move the cart for the old man. He was rewarded by the old man pulling his cart back and ramming it into Derek's thigh.

-"Get the damn thing out of the road!" The old man yelled before making it through. Derek took a deep breath and went back to his work, until good old Ellie May showed up. Derek briefly considered going to another lane but he knew it was pointless. There was no escape from Ellie May.

-She was an old, large black woman that every person in the store knew. She walked hunched over her cart and to call her senile would have been a kindness. She would call anyone she came across in the store, even other shoppers, and have them tell her what items were and how much they cost. After spending hours in the store filling up a cart she would then come to a checkout lane and ask what every item was and its price again. And if she changed her mind about something the bagger, in this case Derek would have to take it back.

-True to form Ellie May took nearly an hour to get through the checkout line and Derek was forced to return nearly a dozen items. After that fun was over Ellie may sat down on the waiting bench near the bathrooms and looked over her stuff, chances were good that she would grab another cart and start the whole thing over again until her family decided they wanted to pick her up.

-After that was done Derek remembered it was the first of the month, welfare week. One after another poor people that still insisted on having children came up and, just like every month, they screwed up what they were supposed to get. Derek couldn't understand how these people could get the same crap every month and still forget what items they could buy. Then again, that was probably why they were on welfare in the first place.

-After reminding several of the morons what the welfare approved items were, Derek had to go outside and bring in the carts. The sun beat down on him as he rounded up the carts that customers had left all over the place. For some reason there were several wasps flying around the cart corral, probably lured by leftover spilled food.

-When Derek grabbed a hold of the carts he received several painful stings on both wrists and his right forearm. He grimaced at the pain but pushed on. Once the carts were all inside he returned to his undignified post at the end on one of the check out lanes.

-Another bug buzzed around Derek's head and he swatted at it, thinking it was a fly. He realized he was wrong as he received another dose of venom in the side of his head. The cashier watched and chuckled at Derek's misfortune and Derek tried hard to keep his temper under control.

-His efforts were not helped at all when the bagger at the lane next to him, a fat fellow named Tim, decided to go to the bathroom. Coincidently Tim made this decision just as someone with two carts of stuff pulled into his lane and Derek was forced to cover for the bastard.

-Several hours and isle cleanups later it was almost time for Derek's misery to end. But not before he had to clean the bathrooms, one of the most degrading jobs known to the human race. Like a man headed for a firing squad, Derek made his way to the back room where he filled a bucket with soapy water and got a mop.

-Unfortunately the back room was at one end of the store, the bathrooms were at the other and the buckets on wheels were a royal pain in the ass to maneuver. Through some small miracle and thanks to two years of shameful practice, Derek made it to the bathrooms without incident. Until one of the front wheels jammed and turned suddenly into the wall, causing the dirty, soapy and smelly water spilled over onto his shoes.

-"...For the love of cock sucking whore monkeys." Derek said to himself. He looked up to see a middle aged woman glaring at him. Derek gave her the employee smile and moved into the men's bathroom.

-Derek unenthusiastically scrubbed the floor, the toilet and the urinal. He changed the garbage bag and the paper towels before moving into the woman's bathroom. At least he tried to, but when he opened the door a woman screamed and slammed it shut in his face, literally. Derek rubbed his sore nose and waited until the woman finally came out of the bathroom, the same woman that had glared at him a moment before.

-Derek sighed and entered the bathroom, once inside he flicked a middle finger up at the sky. He hated to clean the woman's bathroom, for some reason it was the one area where women were less sanitary than men, by a mile.

-He emptied out the tampon bucket and found a pair of pantyhose covered in diarrhea. The stench of menstrual blood and fecal matter was overpowering and Derek nearly passed out right then and there. But, much to his disappointment, he remained conscious and therefore had to continue cleaning.

-He finished up and then returned the bucket of water, plus the stuffed garbage bags, to the back room. He dumped out the water and put the bucket and mop away. He carried the garbage bag through the narrow hallway/storage area only to have it catch on a pallet and tear open, spilling trash on the floor.

-Derek stared at the trash spilled all over the floor and felt his rage building but pushed it down into his stomach as he swallowed what nearly nonexistent pride he had and got another bag to gather up all the trash. He took it out the back door and into the dumpster.

-Derek returned to his miserable post, after washing his hands, and continued his work. Until Darrel came marching toward him with a cross expression. Darrel was a tall, skinny, bald seventy year old man. He enjoyed flirting with the teenage girls and viewed the teenage boys like Derek as competition. Because of that he went out of his way to put them down, especially Derek.

-"Did you clean the bathrooms?" Darrel asked accusingly.

-"Yeah," Derek answered in his tired, soul crushed tone. "Did I screw up?"

-"I just came out of the men's bathroom and there is no toilet paper, there's no way they could have run out that fast!"

-" that's a yes."

-Darrel's eyes flared with anger as Derek casually headed to the back room to correct his mistake. Along the way Derek spotted Tim talking to the deli girl instead of working like he should have been. It pissed Derek off but there was nothing he could do about it.

-Once Derek was finally finished he had to change the advertisement sign. He went into the basement and picked out the letters he would need on the list and carried them outside along with the large ladder which dug into his shoulder. Sadly they too where at the opposite end of the store from the front doors so Derek had to maneuver through the isles without knocking anything over.

-He failed miserably when he turned too quickly and knocked over a display stand which crashed loudly to the floor. Everyone around looked at Derek and his supervisor shook his head with an annoyed expression and Derek continued out the main door. Only to bump into the large, glass, automated doors and knock them off their track.

-Derek put down the ladder, fixed the door and restacked the display stand before heading out to the advertising sign which was located as far away from the front doors as was possible. Derek made his way over to the tall structure and set up the ladder before climbing up to the rickety chicken wire scaffold that somehow supported his weight.

-Derek made it up and awkwardly got onto the foot and a half wide warped metal which had no railing of any kind to prevent him from falling to the ground. He popped out the present letters one by one before replacing them and climbing back down the ladder and setting up to do the other side.

-He had almost finished his work when some punks found their way over to him. They yelled and hollered up at him until they eventually worked up the courage to knock over the ladder. They laughed hysterically and congratulated each other as if they had performed some monumental feat and ran off while Derek watched them with a solemn expression, and mounting internal rage.

-Derek looked up at the sky and shook his head. "You're just gunna let them go aren't you?" He said. "You cock sucking, vile, filthy, sickening sack of demonic excrement. WHEN I GET UP THERE I'M GOING TO RIP YOUR FUCKING ARMS OFF AND BEAT YOU WITH THEM!" And with those final words, or so he hoped, Derek jumped off of the scaffold with outstretched arms and fell face first onto the concrete.

-Derek woke up the next day in the hospital again, with his mother by his bed. He was wearing a face cast on his broken nose and he hurt everywhere. He didn't even want to guess as to how he had survived this time but when his mother saw he was awake he knew she was going to tell him.

-"Derek what's wrong with you?" She asked in a scolding tone, hardly nurturing given his sudden string of "accidents." "How could you fall off the ladder?" she continued, "you're just lucky an ambulance passed by when it did."

-Derek scoffed at the coincidence and said, "I hate my life".
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