Categories > Original > Humor > The Suicidal Immortal 2


by Togot 1 review

Ever have a day where everything goes wrong? For Derek that is every day and he wants to end it. There's just one problem, it seems that he can't

Category: Humor - Rating: R - Genres: Humor, Sci-fi - Warnings: [V] - Published: 2006-06-15 - Updated: 2006-06-15 - 1754 words

-Derek sat alone in his room in the basement staring at the far wall. It was what he always did when he was bored; it wasn't as if he had anything better to do. He heard a noise coming from his closet, like something thumping against the door.

-As if in a trance he got up, walked over to the door and opened it. He quickly realized his mistake as he looked down the throat of some kind of giant worm that had replaced the inside of his closet. Its insides were lined with vicious teeth of all shapes and sizes. There were also snakelike tentacles flailing around the mouth and moving towards Derek.

-Derek tried to close the door again but it was too late. Several of the tendrils shot out and wrapped around Derek's ankles. He tried to pull free but they were too strong, they slowly but surely dragged him into the gapping mouth.

-Once inside, the opening closed up and Derek was crushed, sliced, punctured, and ground up. Derek screamed in pain as he was forced down the endless esophagus, at least he did until his head was smashed. He should have been dead but still he felt the pain. For what seemed like an eternity Derek was punctured and crushed until his body was little more than liquid hamburger. Finally he was dumped out into a vat of liquid and for a brief moment he dared to think that it was over, that was until he realized the liquid was acid. Every cell in his body screamed in agony as they were corroded away.

-Derek sat up in bed wide eyed. He was alone in his room with cold sweat dripping down his face. He came to his senses and let out a sigh, "I got to lay off the sci-fi." He said to himself as he put his feet on the floor, and was ankle deep in water. He looked around his room and realized that the storm from the night before had flooded his room, and ruined all the books that had been on the floor.

-Having what was left of his car towed had cost a pretty penny, and the lecture from his parents had cost a large chunk of his sanity. Now he had no car, no money, and he was close to graduation. He almost wondered how things could get worse, but he knew he would find out soon enough.

-He went to take the school bus, which he hadn't done since getting his car, and waited with several people that he hated very much. They stood in a group smoking and Derek tried his best to stand upwind of them until the bus finally pulled up. Never being one to turn his back on people, Derek allowed the others to get on first before boarding himself.

-He found the only empty seat right behind the bus driver and planted himself in it. After nearly a half hour of having the back of his chair kicked and spit wads shot at him the bus finally arrived at its destination. Derek patiently waited while everyone else got of the bus before disembarking himself.

-The bus dropped him off on the wrong end of the school, near the cafeteria. Derek considered walking around to the other side of the school to his tree but he didn't like the thought of being in an unsupervised area. He reluctantly entered the building with the others and waited across from the door with his back against the wall.

-Finally the bell rang and Derek made it through the doors and up the stairs before anyone could object. One of the few things public school had given him was the ability to move quickly when he needed to. He got to his first class and sat down.

-Less then ten minutes after the bell rang the office called for him. A short while later he found himself sitting at a table with the principal, a rent-a-cop and another man he didn't know. Derek prepared himself for another episode of educated idiocy and waited for the fun to begin.

-"Now Derek you're not in trouble," the principal said attempting to create a calm and friendly atmosphere, something he wasn't very good at. "But after the incident we had yesterday I thought you should meet with Mr. Goardel, he is the school psychologist so feel free to talk with him."

-Derek looked at the man, he was scrawny with glasses, he looked like a nerd if ever Derek saw one. He wore a white shirt, just like all of the office staff; his thinning blond hair was combed back exposing his greasy forehead. And the way he kept moving his fingers indicated that he was nervous and Derek couldn't help but find that amusing.

-The principal stood up and left the room, the cop waited just outside the door and Mr. Goardel gave Derek a big, fake, smile. He opened up a binder and pulled out a folder, no doubt Derek's folder, and skimmed through it. Before he could have possibly read anything, he set it aside and put his attention back on Derek.

-"So then, Derek, I just have a few routine questions for you." He looked at Derek waiting for a response but Derek just stared at him, impatiently. "Ok then," Goardel continued, "first question, do you ever hear voices when you're alone?"

-Derek stared at Goardel for a moment wondering if the question had been some kind of joke, but the man's inquisitive gaze told him otherwise. Derek thought for a moment on how to answer such a ridiculous question.

-"Only when I'm thinking to myself," he answered in a monotone voice.

-Mr. Goardel gave a dumbfounded look and then decided to move on. "Ok, next question. Does the radio ever tell you to do things?"

-"Constantly, it's always telling me to buy shit I don't need and to listen to things I don't like. I just ignore it most of the time."

-The school shrink's annoyance was obvious but he did not voice his frustration. Derek thought the man was probably used to repressing himself, too afraid of upsetting someone. He regained what little composure he had and continued.

-"Do you ever see spots?" Goardel asked, his tone indicating he had some idea of what the response would be. And Derek didn't want to disappoint.

-"Only when I get hit really hard, which happens more often than you might think," Derek answered in the same dull tone. Mr. Goardel nodded in the way a person nodded when they knew they were being mocked.

-"Why are you transferring your anger onto me Derek, why do you think that is?"

-"Hmm...because I was searched several times yesterday and nothing was found proving Stacey lied and yet I am still being punished."

-Derek spent the rest of the day in the office talking to the shrink and several other office staff members. They called him socially unacceptable and a high risk student. Derek was used to being called names by his fellow students but not by the teachers, at least not to his face.

-Finally the bell rang and school was over, he had never spent so long in school and not done any work. He knew he would pay for it the next day. He excused himself and made a virtual run for the school buses that were on the other side of the building. While going down the steps someone behind him tripped him and he fell the rest of the way down.

-Everyone around laughed at him but Derek didn't care, he just wanted to reach the bus while there was still an empty seat left. He was almost out of the building when Mr. Goardel cut him off. Derek wasn't sure how the toothpick of a man had gotten there before him, and he didn't really care. All he cared about was getting past him but the shrink wanted Derek to come in again the next day and talk again.

-At long last Derek made it outside, just in time to see the last bus leave. He slowly walked over to the nearby telephone pole and punched it so hard that for a moment he thought he broke his hand. "PISS, FUCK, COCK SUCKING FILTHY VILE LUMP OF MONKEY SHIT!"

-Derek made his way to the front of the school where his mother would pick him up, eventually. He sat down against the building and waited, and waited. Over an hour later a tall, thin man walked by with dark hair and nicely dressed.

-"Hello, how are you?" The man asked in a friendly voice.

-"Miserable, depressed, lonely, suicidal, homicidal, genocidal, self destructive, masochistic, sadistic, psychotic and blasphemous" Derek answered in an equally friendly voice and with a smile on his face. The man looked dumbfounded and walked away almost as if in a daze. Before he was gone he suddenly turned back to Derek.

-"I pray you find Jesus," he said.

-"...that does it," Derek said to himself as he stood up. The man left and Derek looked around for something he could use, and there was the tree. It was a tall, easily climbable pine tree in the front of the school, right over the hard pavement.

-Derek quickly climbed to the tallest branch that would support his weight and looked down at the cement. He wasn't really sure how this would be seen, but he didn't really give a damn what others thought anyway. He looked up and stuck both middle fingers at the sky and shook his fists.

-"YOU WHORE LICKING SON OF A FAT BITCH! I'm coming you SICK FUCK and I'm going to take a 2x4, wrap it in barb wire, shove it up your ass and TWIST IT!

-And with those famous last words Derek jumped. He made it down a few feet until his shoe laces got caught on one of the branches. He swung downward and slammed into the tree's trunk before the branch broke and he fell the rest of the way. He saw the ground rush up at him, and then everything went black.

-Derek opened his eyes and felt pain everywhere. He raised his hand in front of his face and looked at his scrapped up palm. "...son of a bitch monkey," Derek said to himself. He sat up in time to see his mother pull up in her car.

-"Well...there's always tomorrow."
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