Categories > Original > Humor > The Suicidal Immortal 2


by Togot 3 reviews

Ever have a day where everything goes wrong? For Derek that is every day and he wants to end it. There's just one problem, it seems that he can't

Category: Humor - Rating: R - Genres: Humor, Sci-fi - Warnings: [V] - Published: 2006-05-17 - Updated: 2006-05-17 - 1595 words

-Derek finished eating breakfast and got ready for school. His entire vacation had been ruined by his nephew. The day after he got home from the hospital it became apparent that he had caught the same stomach flu that Dan had. Apparently getting puked on by a sick person was a bad thing and ironically his parents hadn't bothered to mention any of that to the doctor when Derek had been at the hospital.

-As a result Derek had spent the whole week with his face in a toilet. Derek still wasn't feeling well but his parents had never allowed him to stay home from school. They didn't mind if the school nurse sent him home, but they said he had to at least try.

-Derek had always secretly wished that he would just keel over and die at school one day and that the mortician would tell them it was because they made him go instead of taking him to a doctor. Sadly that particular wish had never come true, at least not yet anyway.

-He opened the door to find it pouring outside. He put on his coat and got into his piece of shit car. It was an old cutlass supreme that he had gotten from a friend of the family. It had been the only way he could have gotten a car. His older brother had crashed three within his first year of having his license and the parents had just kept buying him a new one.

-When Derek had passed drivers ED his parents had waited an entire year before they even took him to get his license. And then Derek had gotten the car from a family friend who was only trying to get rid of the thing seeing as how it had been sitting in his back yard for three years.

-After that Derek had had to change the spark plugs, water pump, fuel injectors and the brakes to get the thing working right. And thanks to his sister who borrowed the car, the driver's side seat belt no longer retracted and the front bumper was hanging on one end. Aside from that the windshield was cracked and the rear defrosters were all cut except for one so if he turned it on there was one clear band to see through.

-Derek got in the car and when he sat down he was reminded of one other minor defect, the roof leaked. He let out a sigh and slammed the door so hard that a plastic piece popped off and landed in his lap. Derek chuckled in despair as he started his car; it was going to be another long day.

-When Derek got to school there was only one parking space left available under a large tree. Derek never bothered to lock his doors, realizing that the damn thing wasn't even worth stealing. He walked over to his spot under a big tree in front of the side doors and leaned against it with his hood pulled over his head.

-Derek picked the spot for two reasons. First, it was a side entrance that only about a dozen people entered and fewer people meant less chance of someone messing with him. Second, he stayed by the tree because those few people didn't like him and if he tried to huddle just inside the door with the rest of them they would shove him out.

-Finally the bell rang and he made his way into the building, and right after entering the building he slipped and fell on the wet floor made by all the people that had been standing there moments before. Derek picked himself up, cursed under his breath and went on with his day.

-Derek got through most of his day without further incident. He was sitting in the cafeteria by himself, his back to the wall to prevent anyone from sneaking up on him. He hadn't actually eaten a lunch at school since people started trying to throw nasty things into his food. He just sat by himself, catching up on homework, when Stacy came and sat across from him.

-"So, have you changed your mind about doing me that favor?" she asked in her usual stuck up tone. If anything she was even cockier than before. Derek looked over the top of the book he was reading and Stacey gave him a fake smile.

-"No," Derek said and then went back to his book. Perhaps it was being denied what she wanted, or maybe it was being dismissed so easily, but whatever the reason Stacey snapped on him.

-"Listen you little shit!" She said, trying not to raise her voice too much. "If I don't get an A on that assignment I'm going to fail chemistry and I'll be held back a year. You're the only nerd who actually gets this crap so either you help me or I get Brent and his friends to have another chat with you."

-"Why don't you just fuck the teacher?" Derek asked, "It seems to be the only thing you're good at." Stacy's eyes went wide with rage. "How dare you!" She said but quickly found herself at a loss for words. Derek peeked above his book again.

-"I didn't know Mr. Welch was gay," he said with amusement. Stacy's expression went from indignation to surprise, confirming Derek's suspicion. He gave her a sly smile and she knew he had caught her.

-"Look," Stacey said, "either do the assignment for me or I'll make your life a living hell." Derek almost laughed at that threat; the little bitch had been making his life a living hell for as long as he had known her.

-"A little redundant, don't you think?" Derek asked. "And you can go to hell, and while you're there why don't you lick the devil's ass." He went back to reading his book as Stacy got up sputtering threats before she stormed off.

-Less than an hour later Derek was sitting in the office getting searched. Apparently "someone" had told the office he had threatened to kill her and blow up the school. Naturally the principle hadn't taken his word for his innocence. After they searched his person and gone through all his notebooks and book bag looking for weapons or a kill list they marched him to his locker.

-Naturally they didn't find anything but afterwards he didn't get so much as an apology, in fact he was given a warning not to threaten anyone again. They sent him on his miserable way and Derek finished the rest of the school day without further incident.

-When school got out the thunder storm was still going strong. Derek put on his coat and walked to his car, to find more crap thrown all over it. Derek heard a sound of thunder, looked up at the sky and stuck his middle finger towards heaven.

-"Take your best shot," he said to whoever might be up there. Just then a lightning bolt came down from the sky and struck the nearby tree. There was a flash of fire and then a big branch fell, right on Derek's car.

-Derek stared at his car with his mouth open in shock. The entire roof of his car was smashed in like a hot dog bun. His fingers balled into fists and he stuck both his middle fingers up at the sky.

-"You cock sucking, whore licking, butt fucking, sack of shit, son of a pig whore! When I get up there I'm going to shove that whole tree right up your ass!" He screamed at the top of his lungs. His shoulders slumped in despair as he accepted the fact that he would be walking home, in the rain.

-He had made it about half way when Brent and his friends showed up. There wasn't much of a conversation, his friends just formed a circle around Derek, pulled out baseball bats and used him for a piñata.

-Twenty minutes later Derek regained consciousness, his body aching, his nose and lip bleeding. It felt like me might have been missing a tooth and his jaw hurt like hell. He picked himself up and limped over to the street. He was already in a world of pain, so what would it matter

-Derek waited until a pickup truck was coming and he stepped out into the middle of the road, right in its path. With slick roads, poor weather conditions and someone just stepping in the way Derek doubted the driver would get blamed much, not that he really cared.

-The big red truck swerved and slammed on the brakes at the last minute, missing Derek. But he did make it into the incoming lane, and into the path of another car. The two vehicles collided, and the rest of the incoming traffic that was too close also hit them causing a pile up. Nearly six cars in all participated in the wreck less than ten feet from where Derek stood, and he didn't get so much as a scratch.

-"...oops," Derek said as he stared wide eyed at the crash. One by one angry motorists got out of their cars. It didn't look like anyone was seriously hurt, but they sure were mad. The truck driver spotted Derek and yelled at him. Soon everyone else involved in the accident started to yell at him and over a dozen angry motorists chased a beat up Derek away. It had just been another miserable day of his insufferable life.
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