Categories > Original > Humor > The Suicidal Immortal 2
-"You know...today is my birthday," Derek said, "and it's spring break, I got the whole week off of school. I even let myself live in the hopes that a birthday party of some kind might just cheer me up. So why, in the name of all that is holy, am I sitting home, watching you?"
-Derek's two year old nephew simply stared at him blankly, drool dripping from the corner of his mouth. Derek let out a sigh and returned his attention to the TV. It figured that the thing would be working now, when Blue's Clues was on. Derek tried like hell to space out during the show but it was just too stupid to ignore.
-It was bad enough that his sister had gotten pregnant and been forced to drop out of school and then moved out of the house and in with her boyfriend. But now Derek was babysitting the little brat, while the rest of his family including the mother was out having fun, on his birthday.
-And in an additional twist of irony, Derek was actually a better parent to his nephew than Tracy was. He watched his language around the kid, kept an eye on him and never lost his temper with the boy. Derek wondered why it was that people who had children were lousy parents and people that didn't have any were good at it. He figured that being stupid was a prerequisite for being a teen parent in the first place.
-Little Dan crawled over to his uncle and sat on his lap, and continued to drool. Derek had already changed the boy twice in the space of three hours. Apparently Dan had some kind of stomach flu, something his mother had failed to mention when she left him. Still, changing diapers wasn't so bad, at least not to a guy who had once had people throw dog shit on him.
-Dan sat on Derek's lap and Derek kept one hand around the boy to make sure he didn't fall off. Derek considered changing the channel to something he would like to watch but knowing his luck Tracy would come home to find her little boy watching Predator and Derek would never hear the end of it. Watching Blue's Clues wasn't so bad, until Dan puked.
-Without any warning at all, little Dan opened his mouth and upchucked more vomit than Derek would have thought the kid had room for. The nasty liquid poured down little Dan's chest, onto Derek's arm and lap, all over the couch and finally dripped onto the floor.
-"...that's just perfect," Derek said with a sigh. It occurred to Derek that most normal people would have been grossed out. Derek was so used to this sort of thing happening that it barely fazed him. He lifted his nephew up and placed him on the opposite end of the couch.
-For a moment Dan didn't seem to care about what had happened but after a moment the corrosive nature of his stomach acid began to burn his throat and he started to cry. Derek took the boy's soiled shirt off and carried him to the bathroom where he readied the bath.
-He made sure the water was warm, figuring that his nephew was sick enough as it was. The moment he put Dan into the water the boy let out a high pitched scream. The water wasn't hot but every time Derek poured it over Dan the boy screamed. The kid hated the water even more than he did being covered in puke.
-"Daddy!" Dan cried over and over again as Derek grabbed a face rag. "Daddy's not here kiddo," Derek answered as he started to wipe Dan's face clean. Despite the constant screaming and Dan's best attempts at hindering his efforts, Derek managed to finish cleaning the boy up and dried him off. A few minutes later Dan was in warm clothes and Derek put him to bed, only to have him start screaming in protest yet again.
-Derek cleaned the couch off and went into the back room to check his email. After a few minutes Dan finally quieted down, and a few minutes after that he started screaming again. For a second Derek considered letting him cry for awhile but his better judgment told him to play it safe. He got up to check on his nephew, and found him once again covered in vomit.
-"...you hate me don't you?" Derek asked his screaming nephew. Once again Derek went through the unpleasant process of cleaning the boy up, only this time he was out of clean clothes and there was no place left for him to sleep.
-Dan wrapped the towel around himself and Derek let his nephew run around, hoping the kid would tire himself out soon. Derek sat down at the computer and his nephew planted himself on the floor, watching the TV where his uncle could keep an eye on him.
-Derek got online and attempted to watch some flash movies but when the media window popped up it was badly distorted and even the sound was unintelligible. When he tried to exit out the computer froze and then shut itself down. Derek let out a sigh and shook his head. "What else can go wrong tonight?"
-As if on command, little Dan got up and ran into the kitchen. He didn't make it far before he tripped on the towel he was carrying and fell flat on his face. Derek would have found it funny, if it weren't for the loud screaming.
-"You're having a worse night than I am little guy," Derek said as he walked over to his nephew. As soon as he picked the kid up, Dan puked yet again. It wasn't nearly as much as before, but Dan did manage to get some of it one Derek's other arm and the floor.
-"Christ kid, aren't you out of ammo yet?" Derek asked as he took the towel off the ground and wiped off the kid's face. He was trying to decide what to do with him next when the doorbell rang. Derek answered it and found his sister had come to get her kid, at long last.
-Tracy looked at Derek with a shocked expression on her face. "What the fuck happened to you?" She asked. Derek gave her a confused look, until he looked at himself and realized he was still covered in vomit. With all the fun he had been having he had forgotten to clean himself up.
-"Oh...that, Dan's sick." Derek explained. Before he could say more the parents pulled up in the driveway. As they walked up to the door Dan wandered into the room and ran to his mother and Derek, feeling that his job was finally done, retired to his room to change his clothes.
-After a quick change he came out to find his parents sitting in their usual seats in the kitchen, not so much as a happy birthday. Derek shook his head in disappointment, to think, if he had simply killed himself that morning he wouldn't have had to go through any of it.
-"I'm going to take a shower," he said. His parents didn't even answer as he went into the bathroom without getting a towel. He turned on the water, stepped into the tub and picked up a disposable razor. He broke the plastic and dropped it into the water, this time there would be no freak accident, just him and the blade.
-Derek pulled the razor across his skin and cut his wrist open. It didn't hurt nearly as much as he thought it would. And he was oddly pleased at the sight of his blood. This time nothing had interfered, it was finally going to end. He went to sit down in the water, and slipped on the broken razor he had discarded.
-Derek fell backward and hit his head on the edge of the tub and lost consciousness. It would have been better than slowly bleeding to death anyway. That was until he opened his eyes and found himself lying in a hospital bed with a bandage on his wrist. His mother was sitting in the chair next to his bed and saw that he was awake.
-"You should be more careful," she said. "You slipped on a razor and hurt yourself, you're just lucky dad and I heard you hit your head on the tub." Derek looked at his risk and chuckled to himself.
-"Yeah...lucky."
-Derek's two year old nephew simply stared at him blankly, drool dripping from the corner of his mouth. Derek let out a sigh and returned his attention to the TV. It figured that the thing would be working now, when Blue's Clues was on. Derek tried like hell to space out during the show but it was just too stupid to ignore.
-It was bad enough that his sister had gotten pregnant and been forced to drop out of school and then moved out of the house and in with her boyfriend. But now Derek was babysitting the little brat, while the rest of his family including the mother was out having fun, on his birthday.
-And in an additional twist of irony, Derek was actually a better parent to his nephew than Tracy was. He watched his language around the kid, kept an eye on him and never lost his temper with the boy. Derek wondered why it was that people who had children were lousy parents and people that didn't have any were good at it. He figured that being stupid was a prerequisite for being a teen parent in the first place.
-Little Dan crawled over to his uncle and sat on his lap, and continued to drool. Derek had already changed the boy twice in the space of three hours. Apparently Dan had some kind of stomach flu, something his mother had failed to mention when she left him. Still, changing diapers wasn't so bad, at least not to a guy who had once had people throw dog shit on him.
-Dan sat on Derek's lap and Derek kept one hand around the boy to make sure he didn't fall off. Derek considered changing the channel to something he would like to watch but knowing his luck Tracy would come home to find her little boy watching Predator and Derek would never hear the end of it. Watching Blue's Clues wasn't so bad, until Dan puked.
-Without any warning at all, little Dan opened his mouth and upchucked more vomit than Derek would have thought the kid had room for. The nasty liquid poured down little Dan's chest, onto Derek's arm and lap, all over the couch and finally dripped onto the floor.
-"...that's just perfect," Derek said with a sigh. It occurred to Derek that most normal people would have been grossed out. Derek was so used to this sort of thing happening that it barely fazed him. He lifted his nephew up and placed him on the opposite end of the couch.
-For a moment Dan didn't seem to care about what had happened but after a moment the corrosive nature of his stomach acid began to burn his throat and he started to cry. Derek took the boy's soiled shirt off and carried him to the bathroom where he readied the bath.
-He made sure the water was warm, figuring that his nephew was sick enough as it was. The moment he put Dan into the water the boy let out a high pitched scream. The water wasn't hot but every time Derek poured it over Dan the boy screamed. The kid hated the water even more than he did being covered in puke.
-"Daddy!" Dan cried over and over again as Derek grabbed a face rag. "Daddy's not here kiddo," Derek answered as he started to wipe Dan's face clean. Despite the constant screaming and Dan's best attempts at hindering his efforts, Derek managed to finish cleaning the boy up and dried him off. A few minutes later Dan was in warm clothes and Derek put him to bed, only to have him start screaming in protest yet again.
-Derek cleaned the couch off and went into the back room to check his email. After a few minutes Dan finally quieted down, and a few minutes after that he started screaming again. For a second Derek considered letting him cry for awhile but his better judgment told him to play it safe. He got up to check on his nephew, and found him once again covered in vomit.
-"...you hate me don't you?" Derek asked his screaming nephew. Once again Derek went through the unpleasant process of cleaning the boy up, only this time he was out of clean clothes and there was no place left for him to sleep.
-Dan wrapped the towel around himself and Derek let his nephew run around, hoping the kid would tire himself out soon. Derek sat down at the computer and his nephew planted himself on the floor, watching the TV where his uncle could keep an eye on him.
-Derek got online and attempted to watch some flash movies but when the media window popped up it was badly distorted and even the sound was unintelligible. When he tried to exit out the computer froze and then shut itself down. Derek let out a sigh and shook his head. "What else can go wrong tonight?"
-As if on command, little Dan got up and ran into the kitchen. He didn't make it far before he tripped on the towel he was carrying and fell flat on his face. Derek would have found it funny, if it weren't for the loud screaming.
-"You're having a worse night than I am little guy," Derek said as he walked over to his nephew. As soon as he picked the kid up, Dan puked yet again. It wasn't nearly as much as before, but Dan did manage to get some of it one Derek's other arm and the floor.
-"Christ kid, aren't you out of ammo yet?" Derek asked as he took the towel off the ground and wiped off the kid's face. He was trying to decide what to do with him next when the doorbell rang. Derek answered it and found his sister had come to get her kid, at long last.
-Tracy looked at Derek with a shocked expression on her face. "What the fuck happened to you?" She asked. Derek gave her a confused look, until he looked at himself and realized he was still covered in vomit. With all the fun he had been having he had forgotten to clean himself up.
-"Oh...that, Dan's sick." Derek explained. Before he could say more the parents pulled up in the driveway. As they walked up to the door Dan wandered into the room and ran to his mother and Derek, feeling that his job was finally done, retired to his room to change his clothes.
-After a quick change he came out to find his parents sitting in their usual seats in the kitchen, not so much as a happy birthday. Derek shook his head in disappointment, to think, if he had simply killed himself that morning he wouldn't have had to go through any of it.
-"I'm going to take a shower," he said. His parents didn't even answer as he went into the bathroom without getting a towel. He turned on the water, stepped into the tub and picked up a disposable razor. He broke the plastic and dropped it into the water, this time there would be no freak accident, just him and the blade.
-Derek pulled the razor across his skin and cut his wrist open. It didn't hurt nearly as much as he thought it would. And he was oddly pleased at the sight of his blood. This time nothing had interfered, it was finally going to end. He went to sit down in the water, and slipped on the broken razor he had discarded.
-Derek fell backward and hit his head on the edge of the tub and lost consciousness. It would have been better than slowly bleeding to death anyway. That was until he opened his eyes and found himself lying in a hospital bed with a bandage on his wrist. His mother was sitting in the chair next to his bed and saw that he was awake.
-"You should be more careful," she said. "You slipped on a razor and hurt yourself, you're just lucky dad and I heard you hit your head on the tub." Derek looked at his risk and chuckled to himself.
-"Yeah...lucky."
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