Categories > Original > Humor > The Suicidal Immortal 2
Reviews
The Suicidal Immortal 2
(#) Roy-Fan-33 2006-05-19
Damn... I really like this story. I really don't have any ideas for you to improve it, other than longer chapters and maybe a quick update! ;) Yup, I'm one strange chick!Author's response
glad you like it and I'll work on making the chapters longerThe Suicidal Immortal 2
(#) Ithilwen 2006-05-20
"spent the whole week with his face in a toilet."
From what we learn from chapter one, I suspect that this isn't much different from his life in school.
"He put on his coat and got into his piece of shit car."
He has a car? He's a senior? With all this hard luck I'd thought him a freshman. Just so you know, even having a crummy car makes a high school boy appear fortunate.
The sister wheeled the car into a barrow?
There ought to be a new paragraph whenever there's a new speaker.
Derek telling off Stacy makes him seem far from pathetic. Is that what you're going for?Author's response
Man I wish all my stories got this much attention!
I see what you mean about his life always in the toilet but time Derek spent the time puking instead of getting swirlies. And at my school every senior had a car so I didn’t view it as much of a blessing especially for Derek; to him it was just one more thing for his classmates to vandalize and being a freshmen and getting teased would be normal, being a senior that gets treated like a freshmen, now that demeaning. And Derek told off the girl because he wasn’t planning on living much longer anyway so he didn’t really care, think of it as a last laugh. Thanks for the pointing out the errors I have corrected them
The Suicidal Immortal 2
(#) Ithilwen 2006-05-24
Your stories will all get this much attention when they're all this funny. Keep in mind, funny is what I think you're going for, so my comments are geared toward eliminating anything that makes this story stumble on the rocky road to chortleworth.
That being said, I'll clarify my previous comments.
I think you should acknowledge the discrepancy between your high school experience and everyone else's. Something like, "While some people might have said that having any car at all was a good thing, the hours that Derek spent scraping off graffiti and pushing it out of ditches offset any freedom or privelage the car might have given him," or something. Also, Derek spending his week with his face in the toilet is a great opportunity to crack a joke on the similarity between stomach flu and swirlies. Derek seems like the sort of sarcastic guy who'd notice that.
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