There was a very good picture that was drawn by your poem. I could imagine the scene quite vividly.
Though personally, I felt the sense of suspense, fear and dread seemed to be cut short everytime the stanza ends. Maybe longer stanzas would be a better format for something like this? The best example I could remember was Poe's The Raven, which had longer stanzas and hence managed to sustain the momentum of the fear and feeling of suspense.
Author's response
At first I disagreed with you but after I read it again it makes sence. I'm not going to change it though because like I said I wrote it for school and I just wanted to show a sample of my writing. I feel honored that I was even remotely compaired to Poe. Thank you.