First the positive. You're writing Kyle XY fanfiction!! I've been combing the net for some Kyle XY prose all week. You take the time to write descriptively and I buy your Kyle characterizations. The POV works.
I have a couple of constructive comments for you. First and foremost, in web publishing, if you place a space between each paragraph, your work is much much more readable. Second, you have some word fumbles like conscious where I think you wanted conscience.
Overall, good job. Keep writing.