(#) Rous 2007-04-10
Well, the subject is cliché, but you could overcome that. Unfortunately, you have not. You show little imagery that is not literal description. Telling is not the same as showing.
"You fall (find another word here: overuse-plummet works well)
Into the swirling vortex
Of all of your mistakes,
It makes a sea
Of despair (a vast sea of despair)
This is just an example of one line. You can improve this greatly by editing what you have. Find different words; other than articles, try to use a word only once. Check your thesaurus for like words.
Overall, not very impressive. But, you can change that.
rous