Somethings funky with that last bit of dialog when Lee catches her dancing/singing. I dunno maybe reword it a little. Its hard to tell whos saying what.
Anyway I just read your whole story and its a good idea- Definately alternate reality!. But youre saying that youre not getting any reviews and its probably cause nothing is happening in your story. Youre going through events and I know its hard to start writing and get the story going but you need to be building your characters up now. Give them more depth. motivation. history. emotional baggage. Your story is like Wynona said kinda bleh. Spice it up. Reveal things about your characters indirectly. Like this last part. Why is it a big deal that lee caught her singing? Why cant they sit together? What kind of relationship do they have and why? You spent more time telling us what kind of body wash and shampoo she uses! Now unless thats gonna play a critical part in the story... shift your focus on to characther development.--hope this helps you.----xoxo
Author's response
Thank you, it helps alot. I'll try to do them
thank you again =] xx