Well, first off I'll say that your story was original. However, please do not be too offended when I say that I felt like I was reading notes instead of a chapter. Everything happened so quickly, and it was all dialogue(not that is a bad thing.) All I'm saying is that it was extremely short, and it felt like you wrote in a minute. So please, don't be mad at me, but honestly, I've read your other stories, and you have so much more potential than this. Your idea was great though, but perhaps you should concentrate on how you present it. You are a very talented writer, but you should try to reach beyond you're comfort limit sometimes. So please update soon, and I hope you appreciate my honesty, and please don't take it offensively.
Magic144