While you have a great story concept you have a definate grammar problem and often misuse words.
Please readover your story before posting it and if possible read it out loud. Use spell check with the grammar check on if you are using word it catches alot of common mistakes.
don't stop writing as its not my intention to discourage you quite the contrary... KEEP WRITING pratice will only help you improve.
Slow your story down some if possible to allow for character growth and the building of a quality setting and plot. Your chapters come across as rushed.
Update!!