Categories > Celebrities > My Chemical Romance > If I Told You This Was Killing Me, Would You Stop?
I had never been nervous about a date before. They were very blasé to me and not worth any effort to be concerned about. I never felt the excitement nor the anxiousness before a date. I never felt the drive, the passion, the desire to succeed. However, when it came time to go on my first date with Rayne, I was a nervous wreak. I felt like an adolescent boy in high school again. What do I talk about? What if she becomes bored and wants to leave? I wasn’t a very interesting person and I didn’t have many things to talk about. I spent the week preceding our date restless and nervous. I fretted the evening as if it were my death sentence.
And yet, when I awoke on the Friday that was fated to be our first date, I was excited and eager to impress Rayne. My day at work went by flawlessly, I came home in the cheeriest of moods, got ready with a smile on my face, wore my best clothes and did my long hair as perfect as I could manage it. I was counting the minutes until we would meet. I was ready, more ready than I had ever been to do anything.
I just had no idea at all why the evening was going so horribly.
Rayne and I were sitting in a small booth at the Italian bistro that I had picked out. I had heard praises about the romantic and quiet atmosphere and figured that it would be the perfect place to get to know Rayne. Little did I know that it was the romantic and quiet atmosphere that was murdering my proposed perfect night. Awkward silences, forced laughter, and an air so tense one could choke on it. I stared at Rayne on the other side of the table, fiddling with her straw and staring at the floor. It wasn’t us, it was our environment. Rayne made a face the moment we stepped inside the deafening silence and she didn’t look cheerful since. She would smile at my jokes, would seem interested whenever I spoke, but once my voice ended so did the smiles. I was nervous again, scared that I would become a forgotten bad date.
We weren’t even done with our entrées when Rayne forcefully placed her drink on the table, startling me. I looked up at her, terrified that she was about to get up and leave. She stared at me, narrowing her eyes and watching long and hard. I suddenly felt very small. Was she angry? I couldn’t tell. She never blinked, just stared into my eyes. I stopped breathing, my eyes watered from the fire of intensity in her gaze.
“This isn’t meant for you.” she simply declared.
A confused expression stretched upon my face. I watched as she lifted her hand and asked for the check, sat frozen by her previous statement as she offered to pay, and stared as she filled out the check and sent it back. She got up from her seat and put on her jacket before looking down at me. I still looked confused. Something about what she said caused my heart to stop. She read me again.
“Okay, let’s go.” she stated, taking my arm and picking me away from the booth.
“Where are we going?” I asked, stumbling over my feet and being pulled by her. She said nothing, almost literally dragging me out of the restaurant and out onto the sidewalk. She looked up to her left, up to her right, and then looked at me.
“Do you see the moon?” she asked. I looked up and saw it west of where we were standing.
“Yeah, it’s right there.” I said, pointing at it, wondering what Rayne was going to do. Her impulsiveness was beginning to unnerve me. I never did anything out on a whim.
“Okay, so it’s to the right of us.” she said, nodding. She took my wrist again and proceeded to the right, walking quickly and without a fault in her step. I jogged behind her, trying to keep up, still wondering what we were doing.
“Where are we going?” I called out for the second time. Rayne proceeded to stride on and I took note of the way that she walked. While I was dodging passersby, sewer caps, trash, and cracks in the sidewalk, Rayne seemed to walk with a graceful precision that seemed to miss all of these obstacles. She looked like she was floating, walking on smooth water rather than hard cement.
I soon began walking like her, learning the rhythm of the city. I always walked to wherever I went, but I never walked like this before. It was as if I could see everything before I came to it. It was amazing. We walked on, crossing streets, passing the large buildings of Belleville, walking against the cold bay area wind. Rayne kept her grasp on my hand, never letting go. I stayed behind, following her, not daring to come into her space. She was on a mission.
She finally came to stop and I bumped into her, so used to our smooth rhythm. I looked around, wondering where we finally ended our trek. We had stopped in front of a small club, one that I instantly recognized as a popular venue where I went to many of my hardcore shows. We could hear the loud, abrasive music playing from inside, its sound filtering through the street and into our ears. I glanced at Rayne, looking at her wide, smiling mouth and her glittering eyes filled with pride.
“You’ll find the greatest things when you just follow the moon.” she said, taking her hand off of my wrist and walking ahead of me. I lagged behind a moment, watching her as she walked, not sure exactly what to think. She paused and looked behind, waving for me to come with her. I swallowed and sighed, following her to the entry of the club. We paid for tickets and went inside, suddenly thrown into the loud and wild atmosphere that was the hardcore scene. We lingered in the back where it was safe and I was suddenly felt a little irritated. I wasn’t dressed appropriately and this wasn’t my idea of a good first date. Rayne on the other hand, looked completely thrilled. She took off her jacket and discarded it to the floor carelessly. I stared at her in wonder.
“You ready?” she called out amidst the loud music.
“What? No! I don’t even know this band!” I yelled, looking angry. Rayne raised her eyebrows and shook her head. She took my hand in hers and ran ahead, dragging me behind her as we suddenly dove into the roaring ocean of people. I heard her yell in a voice drenched with pure adrenaline and I held on to her hand as tightly as I could, knowing that if I loosened my grip that I would lose her for some time. We shoved our way up to the front and I watched as Rayne shouldered and pushed whoever was near her, blending right in with the scene.
“I’ve never done this before!” she called out, laughing. I felt uncomfortable as bodies slammed into me, making it harder to hold onto Rayne. We got as close to the stage as possible and could see some of the band members now. Rayne moved against the crowd perfectly, as if she’d been a hardcore kid for years. You wouldn’t have ever guessed that it was the first time she’d ever done a roundhouse kick or moshed with the crowd. I stared at her in complete adoration, watching her beaming face. She looked so indescribably happy, so infused with joy that you couldn’t help but stare at her face. I didn’t care that I was being pushed around like a rag doll, that my expensive shoes were being stepped all over, or that my make up was smudged and faded. All that mattered was that shining face next to me. The whole night, I only stared at Rayne. I was afraid to blink, afraid to miss a single second of her beauty. At one point in the show, she locked eyes with me, a huge smile on her face. I smiled in return, my first real smile in a long time. Her radiance exuded onto me, lifting me up and causing a spark of happiness which I haven’t felt in such a long time. It was bizarre how easily she could make me feel this way. I gripped her hand tightly, feeling her warmth pass onto me.
I never let go of her hand once.
Even after the show, after we walked all the way back to my house, after we had said our goodbyes, I still had her hand firmly in mine. I was afraid to let go, afraid because I knew the moment that I let go, our night was over. We were in front of my door, smiling after we said goodbye. Still her hand was in mine. I stared at her grinning lips, stepping forward to lean my head in to capture them. Rayne stepped back, her smile unwavering. I gasped quietly, surprised at the sudden movement. I wanted to kiss her… didn’t she want to kiss me? I held onto her hand tighter.
“I don’t kiss on the first date.” Jade said, smirking. I squinted my eyes in bewilderment. I’d also be lying if I said I wasn’t slightly heartbroken in a way.
“Rayne…” I whispered, fear drenched in my voice. I had never felt this way about someone… never been touched by a person like this before. Its power scared me. I knew she would read me and see that fear. Her smile never faltered and she turned, making to leave. I still held onto her hand, tighter than ever.
“Rayne.” I called louder, not wanting her to leave without saying anything. I needed something, anything to make me feel like she needed me just as I needed her. She turned her head and looked at me, her hazel eyes shining.
“I don’t kiss on the first date because it leaves you wondering. I’m sorry if you didn’t understand this… but it implies that I want to see you again. Not only that, but that I plan on seeing you again. I’ll call you tomorrow.” Rayne said, finally letting go of my hand and turning to walk down my porch steps. I smiled, watching as she walked down my pathway to the sidewalk. My hand felt cold from the sudden lack of warmth…
But I didn’t need her hand anymore. Her words were enough to keep me warm.
*
The pharmacy… one of the many places that I saw too many times in the past couple months. Every two weeks I came into get an order refilled. Every two weeks I had to walk into that place, dreading every second of it. I had been there so many times that the pharmacists knew me personally and on a first name basis. I hated it in there. The white walls, the stiff smell, the bright lights, and the sick people. I was surrounded by coughing, wheezing, sniffling, infants crying from their high fevers, angry patrons complaining about their wrong orders. Suffocating. I hated how these people came in with simple colds and influenzas, how they would just take their medicine and be perfectly healthy again. I hated how they wouldn’t have to come back almost every other week to get prescriptions refilled or even more medication to take. I hated everything about it. It wasn’t fair…
“Gerard! I’ll help you over here.” called out one of the pharmacists. Andrea was her name. I walked over to her window at the counter and politely smiled.
“How are you?” she asked, already writing down what I needed. I didn’t even need to tell her what medication Rayne had to take anymore.
“I’m okay, busy as always.” I replied quietly, leaning on the counter.
“And Rayne?”
“The usual.”
“Is the medication not working?”
“It’s more like Rayne isn’t the one working.”
She shook her head to herself and looked up at me. I always admired her kind, dark features and her sweet green eyes. She was the kind of person that you wanted to spill yourself to, share all of your problems with and she would listen without complaint. Her eyes, looking into mine, read of compassion… and pity. I knew the look too well. Everyone pitied me, the man who had no life other than taking care of his sick girlfriend. I soon began to stop cringing at the look whenever I would receive it.
“God Gerard, don’t you ever get tired of it all?” she asked me. I bit my lip and looked down to the floor. I thought about my current life, the constant schedule that I had to play every single day. I thought about Rayne’s lack of enthusiasm for our love, about how she’s changed so much from the jubilant woman that she used to be. A weight tugged on my heart and my throat tightened painfully. Thinking about it was just so hard…
Yes, I’m tired of it. Yes, I’m exhausted. My bones ache, my body is sore. I don’t get enough sleep. I drag my body through the days, I’m barely able to even stand myself up anymore. The charade is getting old, it’s wearing me down. Sometimes, I want to just collapse and sleep for days. I fiddled with the ring on my finger, the ring Rayne had given me so long ago. The ring was supposed to embody our everlasting love for each other. The ring seemed to be a joke as of late. Sometimes, I just want to stand in the middle of the city and scream my lungs out. I’m a puppet, I’m a dead puppet and yes… I am tired of it.
“No, I don’t get tired of it at all. I love doing it.” I said, smiling. Andrea nodded, returning the smile. Such a lie. Such a pathetic lie.
But it was my lies that got me through the days. Everything was a lie now.
I waited as Andrea got all of Rayne’s medication ready. When she came back to the counter, she took out all of the bottles of pills so I could see them. She placed each one on the counter, one by one, and I counted to myself.
One. Two. Three. Four. Five. Six. Seven. Eight. Nine.
Nine bottles of pills to take every day, every three hours. I had no doubt that the number would increase in the coming months. I smiled politely, nodding as she placed them all in a bag for me. I left with a small wave and quickly strode out of the pharmacy, glad to leave. I wouldn’t be back for two weeks and I was thrilled.
Now, it was time to go to work. I walked down the familiar avenue that led to a branch of Interscope Records, the site of my job. It sounds glorious to say that I word at a major record company, but the job is anything but glorious. I was just a receptionist. I took calls, did the coffee runs, and delivered the mail. It had been a lifelong dream of mine to become a musician. I hoped that by starting out low, I could work my way up, be able to get a demo in for a record deal. I’ve been working there for years, but no record deals have pursued me. I’ve never even stepped foot into an actual studio. It was such a dismal place for me… everyday, I had to be reminded of the dream that I had lost, the dreams that Rayne and I had lost.
As I walked through the city, I came by an old park. I decided to take a path through it, just a small detour. I still had time and the park held so many memories. I enjoyed remembering all the times Rayne and I spent there. Even though that day was cloudy, dark, and cold, I could still feel the warmth and see the sunshine from a particular day that we spent together. A day that I won’t ever be able to forget…
*
Rayne never went back on her word. I learned that when she called the day after our first date, scheduling a new event for us to go on. A day in the park, she offered. Parks weren’t my thing but at that point, I was willing to go through anything to just be near Rayne again. Not an hour went by when I wasn’t thinking about her. My hand still felt the warmth of hers, my lips still felt her breath on mine. I daydreamed about kissing her, about holding her close to me. I wanted to kiss her so badly, wanted to see what she felt and tasted like.
It was the perfect day for an adventure in the park. The sun made the blonde in Rayne’s hair shine, it made her hazel eyes look bright. I could see flecks of orange and gold in them, sparkling like gems. She was wearing a short sleeved, tight fitting black shirt and I saw her arms for the first time. Tattoos and freckles adorned the limbs and I couldn’t stop staring at them. As she spoke, I would count and admire each freckle, memorize each tattoo. I would intently look at the small, lean body embodied in that shirt, smile whenever I caught a peek of her pale stomach. I had never found a woman so beautiful, so completely breathtaking.
We were lying close together on a blanket, talking and laughing. Rayne was on her back, staring up at the sky as she spoke and I lay on my side, watching her mouth form every word. Our hands had found each other and I was pleased to have that warmth back. We were so close to each other, I could lay my head on her chest if I dared to. I was sure she wouldn’t have mind, but there was a certain shyness that she held over me, something that restricted me from doing all the things that I wanted to do. I wanted to kiss her.
I inched a bit closer, listening as she spoke about how she was born and raised in Belleville, how she got a degree in social theory yet never found the use of it. I gazed at her lips, watching the plump muscle. I could imagine how soft they felt, how they would move against mine. My heart raced, breathing seemed like a chore. How I wanted to kiss her. Rayne took notice of my stare and stopped talking, looking up at me. Our eyes met and we were so close. I could feel her breath on me again. Time slowed. I closed my eyes and touched her lips with mine. Not a kiss, just a gentle touch. Rayne nuzzled her nose against mine and shuddered a sigh. I breathed it all in, an exchange of oxygen. Our mouths were just like ghosts, simple touches that made my stomach flip, made my skin tingle. I don’t know why we stayed like that, lips just barely touching, noses rubbing, breathing in and out together. It felt better than a kiss… more pure.
Rayne suddenly rolled out from underneath me and sat up. I gasped quietly at the quick movement and looked up at her.
“I’m sorry.” I quickly said. Rayne shook hier head and gripped my hand again.
“Nothing to be sorry about.”
“I want to kiss you.”
She smiled softly and leaned her head down so that our faces were close again.
“I know… but this isn’t our moment.” she said.
I felt disappointment tug at me. Our moment?
“Well, when will our moment be?” I asked, sitting up with her. She smirked and looked away.
“Not sure. It’ll come though and when it does, we’ll both know it.” she remarked, her gaze returning to mine. Her small smile never faltered and I knew she was telling the truth, that it wasn’t rejection. It was just Rayne being Rayne. I smiled back at her, nodding in understanding.
“You know what would be really fun?” Rayne asked, grinning. I narrowed my eyes and smiled.
“What?”
Rayne bit her lip before responding in a hushed voice, “Seeing if you can catch me”.
She quickly stood and began to run. I laughed and jumped up, running after her. We tore through the park, running through the grass and across paths. Rayne was just out of arms reach, a little faster than me. I laughed lively, feeling my sides hurt. Rayne was cackling just as loudly, looking back at me every now and then. I watched her long legs as they hit the ground, watched as her hair flowed freely in the wind.
“Last one to the tree pays for dinner!” she yelled over her shoulder and accelerating even faster.
“You’re on!” I yelled, laughing again and trying to run faster. The large willow was just a few feet away and Rayne ran up to it, hugging the trunk tightly.
“Hah! I win!” she called out, holding her hands up triumphantly. I panted and stopped at the tree, shaking my head.
“You had a head start. You cheated.” I breathed, leaning against the tree and putting my hand against my heaving chest. Rayne leaned next to me, putting her head on my shoulder and laughing quietly. I smiled and rested my head against hers, listening to her heavy breathing. I felt one of her arms wrap around my stomach and I closed my eyes. She then gripped both of my hands, standing in front of me.
“Hey, do you have that switchblade that you bought?” she asked, her voice earnest in excitement. I nodded, letting go of one her hands and reaching into my pocket to pull out the small blade. She took it, flipping it open and turning towards the tree. She began carving something into the bark. A look of concentration made its way over her face.
“What are you doing?” I asked, staring.
“I’ve always wanted to engrave something into a tree. There’s just something so eternal about it.” she said, smiling at me. I shook my head, a small laugh coming from my mouth.
“You’re so different… different from the rest of the world. You don’t fit in at all...” I told her, watching as she carved into the tree. She laughed, looking at me.
“That’s something I strive for everyday.”
“Why?”
“Because you can’t live life in hopes of being normal. At least, I can’t live like that. Normal is too tiresome for me. You only live once, and I believe in living each day as if it would be my last,” she stopped for a moment, looking into my eyes before continuing. “Because you never know when you’re going to die.”
*
Words drenched in such irony… now that it was time to live her days to the fullest, she became the exact opposite of what she strived to be. Such a shame.
I stood before the willow tree that we spent so many days at after our second date. I smiled, reaching out at the words that she had etched onto the bark a couple years ago. I ran my fingers over it, feeling the harsh texture of the bark. I read the phrase which she had carved, a phrase that she loved so much. I’ve heard her say it countless times, seen her write the words on any surface she could find. I was there, holding her hand the day she had it tattooed on her back. Now, standing before the same willow which held so many memories for us, I read the line to myself and for some reason, it felt as if it were the first time reading it.
Soul mates never die.
I forgot about the clouds and cold wind and I could feel the same sunlight from that day. I could smell the sweet freshness of the grass and of the air. I could see Rayne, concentrating and smiling as she slowly carved into the tree. I can still remember watching her etch in every letter. The same switchblade currently was resting in my pocket and I pulled it out, flicking it open. I ran my fingers over the words once more, smiling as I began to slowly dig the blade into the bark. Just a small addition that I felt needed to be added. I worked slowly, wanting my work to be as perfect as possible. These words would be looked at for years to come and perfection was vital. A smile played on my lips as I finished carving out the words.
Our love will never die.
I took a step back, admiring our work. An eternal note, an eternal reminder. As long as this tree lived, so did our love. No matter what happened to either one of us, our love would live on. Such a pure love it was, a sweet, true love. I never felt that we had lost it… it was just buried away for now. I knew that despite Rayne’s cold demeanor and newfound depression, she would always love me, just as I would always love her. That’s why I was still here, after all. How can you walk away from the one that you love?
Rayne was such a believer in fate, soul mates, and true love. Nothing could change that. She was the one that made me believe in all those things. I had always regarded them as trivial objects completely unnecessary in life. Rayne changed all that for me. She changed everything.
I took one last look at the willow and put my hand over the carving. I would never let our love die, no matter what. There would never be any other Rayne for me… she was my one and only. I had a carving in a tree, a ring on my finger, and my own love to prove it. I felt those words dig into my soul in a painful, yet welcoming way. The pain of true love… the pain of life.
Despite my rather uplifting experience in the park that morning, my day went by as horribly as they always tend to do. I realized that even though the love was still there, my life was still unbearably hard. Work was a disaster, Rayne was still a mess when I came home, and I went to bed again with the sad, heavy feeling that even though I was in this with all of my soul, even though I would work and try as hard as I could to make things right, things were exactly as they seemed. Rayne was still sick. I was still unhappy. Our love would go on, our love must go on, just like how the show of life must go on.
But how long can I keep on pretending until the curtain makes its final decent?
And yet, when I awoke on the Friday that was fated to be our first date, I was excited and eager to impress Rayne. My day at work went by flawlessly, I came home in the cheeriest of moods, got ready with a smile on my face, wore my best clothes and did my long hair as perfect as I could manage it. I was counting the minutes until we would meet. I was ready, more ready than I had ever been to do anything.
I just had no idea at all why the evening was going so horribly.
Rayne and I were sitting in a small booth at the Italian bistro that I had picked out. I had heard praises about the romantic and quiet atmosphere and figured that it would be the perfect place to get to know Rayne. Little did I know that it was the romantic and quiet atmosphere that was murdering my proposed perfect night. Awkward silences, forced laughter, and an air so tense one could choke on it. I stared at Rayne on the other side of the table, fiddling with her straw and staring at the floor. It wasn’t us, it was our environment. Rayne made a face the moment we stepped inside the deafening silence and she didn’t look cheerful since. She would smile at my jokes, would seem interested whenever I spoke, but once my voice ended so did the smiles. I was nervous again, scared that I would become a forgotten bad date.
We weren’t even done with our entrées when Rayne forcefully placed her drink on the table, startling me. I looked up at her, terrified that she was about to get up and leave. She stared at me, narrowing her eyes and watching long and hard. I suddenly felt very small. Was she angry? I couldn’t tell. She never blinked, just stared into my eyes. I stopped breathing, my eyes watered from the fire of intensity in her gaze.
“This isn’t meant for you.” she simply declared.
A confused expression stretched upon my face. I watched as she lifted her hand and asked for the check, sat frozen by her previous statement as she offered to pay, and stared as she filled out the check and sent it back. She got up from her seat and put on her jacket before looking down at me. I still looked confused. Something about what she said caused my heart to stop. She read me again.
“Okay, let’s go.” she stated, taking my arm and picking me away from the booth.
“Where are we going?” I asked, stumbling over my feet and being pulled by her. She said nothing, almost literally dragging me out of the restaurant and out onto the sidewalk. She looked up to her left, up to her right, and then looked at me.
“Do you see the moon?” she asked. I looked up and saw it west of where we were standing.
“Yeah, it’s right there.” I said, pointing at it, wondering what Rayne was going to do. Her impulsiveness was beginning to unnerve me. I never did anything out on a whim.
“Okay, so it’s to the right of us.” she said, nodding. She took my wrist again and proceeded to the right, walking quickly and without a fault in her step. I jogged behind her, trying to keep up, still wondering what we were doing.
“Where are we going?” I called out for the second time. Rayne proceeded to stride on and I took note of the way that she walked. While I was dodging passersby, sewer caps, trash, and cracks in the sidewalk, Rayne seemed to walk with a graceful precision that seemed to miss all of these obstacles. She looked like she was floating, walking on smooth water rather than hard cement.
I soon began walking like her, learning the rhythm of the city. I always walked to wherever I went, but I never walked like this before. It was as if I could see everything before I came to it. It was amazing. We walked on, crossing streets, passing the large buildings of Belleville, walking against the cold bay area wind. Rayne kept her grasp on my hand, never letting go. I stayed behind, following her, not daring to come into her space. She was on a mission.
She finally came to stop and I bumped into her, so used to our smooth rhythm. I looked around, wondering where we finally ended our trek. We had stopped in front of a small club, one that I instantly recognized as a popular venue where I went to many of my hardcore shows. We could hear the loud, abrasive music playing from inside, its sound filtering through the street and into our ears. I glanced at Rayne, looking at her wide, smiling mouth and her glittering eyes filled with pride.
“You’ll find the greatest things when you just follow the moon.” she said, taking her hand off of my wrist and walking ahead of me. I lagged behind a moment, watching her as she walked, not sure exactly what to think. She paused and looked behind, waving for me to come with her. I swallowed and sighed, following her to the entry of the club. We paid for tickets and went inside, suddenly thrown into the loud and wild atmosphere that was the hardcore scene. We lingered in the back where it was safe and I was suddenly felt a little irritated. I wasn’t dressed appropriately and this wasn’t my idea of a good first date. Rayne on the other hand, looked completely thrilled. She took off her jacket and discarded it to the floor carelessly. I stared at her in wonder.
“You ready?” she called out amidst the loud music.
“What? No! I don’t even know this band!” I yelled, looking angry. Rayne raised her eyebrows and shook her head. She took my hand in hers and ran ahead, dragging me behind her as we suddenly dove into the roaring ocean of people. I heard her yell in a voice drenched with pure adrenaline and I held on to her hand as tightly as I could, knowing that if I loosened my grip that I would lose her for some time. We shoved our way up to the front and I watched as Rayne shouldered and pushed whoever was near her, blending right in with the scene.
“I’ve never done this before!” she called out, laughing. I felt uncomfortable as bodies slammed into me, making it harder to hold onto Rayne. We got as close to the stage as possible and could see some of the band members now. Rayne moved against the crowd perfectly, as if she’d been a hardcore kid for years. You wouldn’t have ever guessed that it was the first time she’d ever done a roundhouse kick or moshed with the crowd. I stared at her in complete adoration, watching her beaming face. She looked so indescribably happy, so infused with joy that you couldn’t help but stare at her face. I didn’t care that I was being pushed around like a rag doll, that my expensive shoes were being stepped all over, or that my make up was smudged and faded. All that mattered was that shining face next to me. The whole night, I only stared at Rayne. I was afraid to blink, afraid to miss a single second of her beauty. At one point in the show, she locked eyes with me, a huge smile on her face. I smiled in return, my first real smile in a long time. Her radiance exuded onto me, lifting me up and causing a spark of happiness which I haven’t felt in such a long time. It was bizarre how easily she could make me feel this way. I gripped her hand tightly, feeling her warmth pass onto me.
I never let go of her hand once.
Even after the show, after we walked all the way back to my house, after we had said our goodbyes, I still had her hand firmly in mine. I was afraid to let go, afraid because I knew the moment that I let go, our night was over. We were in front of my door, smiling after we said goodbye. Still her hand was in mine. I stared at her grinning lips, stepping forward to lean my head in to capture them. Rayne stepped back, her smile unwavering. I gasped quietly, surprised at the sudden movement. I wanted to kiss her… didn’t she want to kiss me? I held onto her hand tighter.
“I don’t kiss on the first date.” Jade said, smirking. I squinted my eyes in bewilderment. I’d also be lying if I said I wasn’t slightly heartbroken in a way.
“Rayne…” I whispered, fear drenched in my voice. I had never felt this way about someone… never been touched by a person like this before. Its power scared me. I knew she would read me and see that fear. Her smile never faltered and she turned, making to leave. I still held onto her hand, tighter than ever.
“Rayne.” I called louder, not wanting her to leave without saying anything. I needed something, anything to make me feel like she needed me just as I needed her. She turned her head and looked at me, her hazel eyes shining.
“I don’t kiss on the first date because it leaves you wondering. I’m sorry if you didn’t understand this… but it implies that I want to see you again. Not only that, but that I plan on seeing you again. I’ll call you tomorrow.” Rayne said, finally letting go of my hand and turning to walk down my porch steps. I smiled, watching as she walked down my pathway to the sidewalk. My hand felt cold from the sudden lack of warmth…
But I didn’t need her hand anymore. Her words were enough to keep me warm.
*
The pharmacy… one of the many places that I saw too many times in the past couple months. Every two weeks I came into get an order refilled. Every two weeks I had to walk into that place, dreading every second of it. I had been there so many times that the pharmacists knew me personally and on a first name basis. I hated it in there. The white walls, the stiff smell, the bright lights, and the sick people. I was surrounded by coughing, wheezing, sniffling, infants crying from their high fevers, angry patrons complaining about their wrong orders. Suffocating. I hated how these people came in with simple colds and influenzas, how they would just take their medicine and be perfectly healthy again. I hated how they wouldn’t have to come back almost every other week to get prescriptions refilled or even more medication to take. I hated everything about it. It wasn’t fair…
“Gerard! I’ll help you over here.” called out one of the pharmacists. Andrea was her name. I walked over to her window at the counter and politely smiled.
“How are you?” she asked, already writing down what I needed. I didn’t even need to tell her what medication Rayne had to take anymore.
“I’m okay, busy as always.” I replied quietly, leaning on the counter.
“And Rayne?”
“The usual.”
“Is the medication not working?”
“It’s more like Rayne isn’t the one working.”
She shook her head to herself and looked up at me. I always admired her kind, dark features and her sweet green eyes. She was the kind of person that you wanted to spill yourself to, share all of your problems with and she would listen without complaint. Her eyes, looking into mine, read of compassion… and pity. I knew the look too well. Everyone pitied me, the man who had no life other than taking care of his sick girlfriend. I soon began to stop cringing at the look whenever I would receive it.
“God Gerard, don’t you ever get tired of it all?” she asked me. I bit my lip and looked down to the floor. I thought about my current life, the constant schedule that I had to play every single day. I thought about Rayne’s lack of enthusiasm for our love, about how she’s changed so much from the jubilant woman that she used to be. A weight tugged on my heart and my throat tightened painfully. Thinking about it was just so hard…
Yes, I’m tired of it. Yes, I’m exhausted. My bones ache, my body is sore. I don’t get enough sleep. I drag my body through the days, I’m barely able to even stand myself up anymore. The charade is getting old, it’s wearing me down. Sometimes, I want to just collapse and sleep for days. I fiddled with the ring on my finger, the ring Rayne had given me so long ago. The ring was supposed to embody our everlasting love for each other. The ring seemed to be a joke as of late. Sometimes, I just want to stand in the middle of the city and scream my lungs out. I’m a puppet, I’m a dead puppet and yes… I am tired of it.
“No, I don’t get tired of it at all. I love doing it.” I said, smiling. Andrea nodded, returning the smile. Such a lie. Such a pathetic lie.
But it was my lies that got me through the days. Everything was a lie now.
I waited as Andrea got all of Rayne’s medication ready. When she came back to the counter, she took out all of the bottles of pills so I could see them. She placed each one on the counter, one by one, and I counted to myself.
One. Two. Three. Four. Five. Six. Seven. Eight. Nine.
Nine bottles of pills to take every day, every three hours. I had no doubt that the number would increase in the coming months. I smiled politely, nodding as she placed them all in a bag for me. I left with a small wave and quickly strode out of the pharmacy, glad to leave. I wouldn’t be back for two weeks and I was thrilled.
Now, it was time to go to work. I walked down the familiar avenue that led to a branch of Interscope Records, the site of my job. It sounds glorious to say that I word at a major record company, but the job is anything but glorious. I was just a receptionist. I took calls, did the coffee runs, and delivered the mail. It had been a lifelong dream of mine to become a musician. I hoped that by starting out low, I could work my way up, be able to get a demo in for a record deal. I’ve been working there for years, but no record deals have pursued me. I’ve never even stepped foot into an actual studio. It was such a dismal place for me… everyday, I had to be reminded of the dream that I had lost, the dreams that Rayne and I had lost.
As I walked through the city, I came by an old park. I decided to take a path through it, just a small detour. I still had time and the park held so many memories. I enjoyed remembering all the times Rayne and I spent there. Even though that day was cloudy, dark, and cold, I could still feel the warmth and see the sunshine from a particular day that we spent together. A day that I won’t ever be able to forget…
*
Rayne never went back on her word. I learned that when she called the day after our first date, scheduling a new event for us to go on. A day in the park, she offered. Parks weren’t my thing but at that point, I was willing to go through anything to just be near Rayne again. Not an hour went by when I wasn’t thinking about her. My hand still felt the warmth of hers, my lips still felt her breath on mine. I daydreamed about kissing her, about holding her close to me. I wanted to kiss her so badly, wanted to see what she felt and tasted like.
It was the perfect day for an adventure in the park. The sun made the blonde in Rayne’s hair shine, it made her hazel eyes look bright. I could see flecks of orange and gold in them, sparkling like gems. She was wearing a short sleeved, tight fitting black shirt and I saw her arms for the first time. Tattoos and freckles adorned the limbs and I couldn’t stop staring at them. As she spoke, I would count and admire each freckle, memorize each tattoo. I would intently look at the small, lean body embodied in that shirt, smile whenever I caught a peek of her pale stomach. I had never found a woman so beautiful, so completely breathtaking.
We were lying close together on a blanket, talking and laughing. Rayne was on her back, staring up at the sky as she spoke and I lay on my side, watching her mouth form every word. Our hands had found each other and I was pleased to have that warmth back. We were so close to each other, I could lay my head on her chest if I dared to. I was sure she wouldn’t have mind, but there was a certain shyness that she held over me, something that restricted me from doing all the things that I wanted to do. I wanted to kiss her.
I inched a bit closer, listening as she spoke about how she was born and raised in Belleville, how she got a degree in social theory yet never found the use of it. I gazed at her lips, watching the plump muscle. I could imagine how soft they felt, how they would move against mine. My heart raced, breathing seemed like a chore. How I wanted to kiss her. Rayne took notice of my stare and stopped talking, looking up at me. Our eyes met and we were so close. I could feel her breath on me again. Time slowed. I closed my eyes and touched her lips with mine. Not a kiss, just a gentle touch. Rayne nuzzled her nose against mine and shuddered a sigh. I breathed it all in, an exchange of oxygen. Our mouths were just like ghosts, simple touches that made my stomach flip, made my skin tingle. I don’t know why we stayed like that, lips just barely touching, noses rubbing, breathing in and out together. It felt better than a kiss… more pure.
Rayne suddenly rolled out from underneath me and sat up. I gasped quietly at the quick movement and looked up at her.
“I’m sorry.” I quickly said. Rayne shook hier head and gripped my hand again.
“Nothing to be sorry about.”
“I want to kiss you.”
She smiled softly and leaned her head down so that our faces were close again.
“I know… but this isn’t our moment.” she said.
I felt disappointment tug at me. Our moment?
“Well, when will our moment be?” I asked, sitting up with her. She smirked and looked away.
“Not sure. It’ll come though and when it does, we’ll both know it.” she remarked, her gaze returning to mine. Her small smile never faltered and I knew she was telling the truth, that it wasn’t rejection. It was just Rayne being Rayne. I smiled back at her, nodding in understanding.
“You know what would be really fun?” Rayne asked, grinning. I narrowed my eyes and smiled.
“What?”
Rayne bit her lip before responding in a hushed voice, “Seeing if you can catch me”.
She quickly stood and began to run. I laughed and jumped up, running after her. We tore through the park, running through the grass and across paths. Rayne was just out of arms reach, a little faster than me. I laughed lively, feeling my sides hurt. Rayne was cackling just as loudly, looking back at me every now and then. I watched her long legs as they hit the ground, watched as her hair flowed freely in the wind.
“Last one to the tree pays for dinner!” she yelled over her shoulder and accelerating even faster.
“You’re on!” I yelled, laughing again and trying to run faster. The large willow was just a few feet away and Rayne ran up to it, hugging the trunk tightly.
“Hah! I win!” she called out, holding her hands up triumphantly. I panted and stopped at the tree, shaking my head.
“You had a head start. You cheated.” I breathed, leaning against the tree and putting my hand against my heaving chest. Rayne leaned next to me, putting her head on my shoulder and laughing quietly. I smiled and rested my head against hers, listening to her heavy breathing. I felt one of her arms wrap around my stomach and I closed my eyes. She then gripped both of my hands, standing in front of me.
“Hey, do you have that switchblade that you bought?” she asked, her voice earnest in excitement. I nodded, letting go of one her hands and reaching into my pocket to pull out the small blade. She took it, flipping it open and turning towards the tree. She began carving something into the bark. A look of concentration made its way over her face.
“What are you doing?” I asked, staring.
“I’ve always wanted to engrave something into a tree. There’s just something so eternal about it.” she said, smiling at me. I shook my head, a small laugh coming from my mouth.
“You’re so different… different from the rest of the world. You don’t fit in at all...” I told her, watching as she carved into the tree. She laughed, looking at me.
“That’s something I strive for everyday.”
“Why?”
“Because you can’t live life in hopes of being normal. At least, I can’t live like that. Normal is too tiresome for me. You only live once, and I believe in living each day as if it would be my last,” she stopped for a moment, looking into my eyes before continuing. “Because you never know when you’re going to die.”
*
Words drenched in such irony… now that it was time to live her days to the fullest, she became the exact opposite of what she strived to be. Such a shame.
I stood before the willow tree that we spent so many days at after our second date. I smiled, reaching out at the words that she had etched onto the bark a couple years ago. I ran my fingers over it, feeling the harsh texture of the bark. I read the phrase which she had carved, a phrase that she loved so much. I’ve heard her say it countless times, seen her write the words on any surface she could find. I was there, holding her hand the day she had it tattooed on her back. Now, standing before the same willow which held so many memories for us, I read the line to myself and for some reason, it felt as if it were the first time reading it.
Soul mates never die.
I forgot about the clouds and cold wind and I could feel the same sunlight from that day. I could smell the sweet freshness of the grass and of the air. I could see Rayne, concentrating and smiling as she slowly carved into the tree. I can still remember watching her etch in every letter. The same switchblade currently was resting in my pocket and I pulled it out, flicking it open. I ran my fingers over the words once more, smiling as I began to slowly dig the blade into the bark. Just a small addition that I felt needed to be added. I worked slowly, wanting my work to be as perfect as possible. These words would be looked at for years to come and perfection was vital. A smile played on my lips as I finished carving out the words.
Our love will never die.
I took a step back, admiring our work. An eternal note, an eternal reminder. As long as this tree lived, so did our love. No matter what happened to either one of us, our love would live on. Such a pure love it was, a sweet, true love. I never felt that we had lost it… it was just buried away for now. I knew that despite Rayne’s cold demeanor and newfound depression, she would always love me, just as I would always love her. That’s why I was still here, after all. How can you walk away from the one that you love?
Rayne was such a believer in fate, soul mates, and true love. Nothing could change that. She was the one that made me believe in all those things. I had always regarded them as trivial objects completely unnecessary in life. Rayne changed all that for me. She changed everything.
I took one last look at the willow and put my hand over the carving. I would never let our love die, no matter what. There would never be any other Rayne for me… she was my one and only. I had a carving in a tree, a ring on my finger, and my own love to prove it. I felt those words dig into my soul in a painful, yet welcoming way. The pain of true love… the pain of life.
Despite my rather uplifting experience in the park that morning, my day went by as horribly as they always tend to do. I realized that even though the love was still there, my life was still unbearably hard. Work was a disaster, Rayne was still a mess when I came home, and I went to bed again with the sad, heavy feeling that even though I was in this with all of my soul, even though I would work and try as hard as I could to make things right, things were exactly as they seemed. Rayne was still sick. I was still unhappy. Our love would go on, our love must go on, just like how the show of life must go on.
But how long can I keep on pretending until the curtain makes its final decent?
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