FicWad

Disclaimer: I certainly DON'T own Bleach and it most certainly owns me. And I absolutely hate waiting for a week to pass before the next episode.


Note: I started thinking about the age of Ichigo. I mean in the beginning of the real story, he's 15. But they go away to soul society on their summer vacation and Ichigo's birthday is 7th of July, so he should be 16 when school starts again. Shouldn't he?


Chapter 3 - Mistakes and suicide

Renji was woken up by something soft being pressed against his lips. He opened his eyes and realized that it was Ichigo who had just kissed him. He smiled and kissed him back.
"Good morning, Renji."
"Well, with that kind of wake-up-call, how can it be a bad morning?"
Ichigo smiled and leaned in for another kiss. Renji answered it with a smile. This morning was the best in a very long time. Although the last few days was not far away from snatching that first place. Renji moved closer.
"Renji. We have to stop now. We have to go to school."
Renji totally ignored him and lowered himself so that he could kiss Ichigo's neck.
"Renji..."
Once again Renji ignored Ichigo. He caressed Ichigo's chest and kissed him again. This time Ichigo's defence was down and he gave in. The kiss got deeper and more intense.
Suddenly the door flew wide open.
"Ichigo! You better wake up now. You already missed breakfast. If you don't hurry up, you'll be..."
Rukia stopped in the middle of the sentence.
"Re...nji..."
Her face went blood-red and hers was not the only one.
"I... I... I..." Rukia stuttered.
"Out!" screamed Ichigo.
Rukia was paralyzed.
"OUT!"
Ichigo took one of his pillows and threw it at Rukia.
"Get! Out! NOW!"
Rukia slammed the door shut and Ichigo could hear her steps as she quickly descended down the stairs.
"Well that was the end of that secret."
He looked at Renji, who had frozen by the shock. He was still as red as before and his lips were shaking. Ichigo kissed him softly to calm him down.
"Renji, calm down. It really wasn't that bad."
"Not that bad! Where you in an other room, or what? She... she saw us."
Renji got out of the bed and quickly put on his clothes.
"She was bound to find out sooner or later. Or did you honestly think that we could keep it a secret forever? I don't believe that you're that good in keeping secrets."
"Oh, shut up!"
"I'm actually surprised that we made it through a week of midnight visits, without being discovered. I didn't even want to keep it a secret. Renji, I love you and I want everyone to know."
Renji, who had been silent for a while now, felt how tears were filling up and he fought them with every fibre of his body. It was the first time Ichigo actually said the words out loud, but he couldn't have picked a worse time. Renji wished that he was just dreaming and that when he woke up, everything would be as it had been the last week. Just him and Ichigo. Just the two of them waking up together. Ichigo stood up.
"Come here," he said and wrapped Renji in his arms. "So she knows. I think it's better that way."
"But she wasn't supposed to find out this way."
"Does it really matter?"
Renji pushed Ichigo away.
"Of course it does! But you wouldn't understand that, would you? After all you're just a stupid human! You lived for sixteen years, of which you might remember thirteen. I've lived for much longer then that. I know what I'm talking about. And you don't. You're just a 'human'. What do you know of friendship and love? You know NOTHING of what we have been trough, Rukia and I. And you will never understand that!"
"Renji..."
"Save it! I don't want to hear it! Just... just leave me alone!"
With those words he escaped the room through the window and left Ichigo still sitting on the bed.


"Does anyone know where Abarai-kun is? Kurosaki? Kuchiki? Anyone?"
No one spoke, since no one knew anything. Well both Rukia and Ichigo knew why he was absent, but even they hadn't the slightest idea of where he was hiding.
"Maybe he's sick," said their teacher and scribbled something down on a paper.


Renji stared forward. He hated this feeling of being lost. Not knowing what to do, how to act or how to feel. Everything had felt so right, until Rukia had entered the room. After that everything had seemed so wrong and forbidden. But that wasn't the real problem. The real problem was all the horrible things he had said to Ichigo. He felt so embarrassed. Not much of it had been true. And the things that really were true, Renji had twisted a little. Deep down he too wanted to tell everyone. But that actually meant telling everyone. Not having them walk in on him and Ichigo.
Right now he was angry on everybody. On Rukia for storming in like that. On Ichigo for saying that it wasn't that big of a deal. And on himself for reacting the way he did and for saying all those horrible things.
And now he didn't know how to move forward from here. He didn't know how to move toward Ichigo. He must have been really hurt by hearing Renji saying those things.
"Damn. I've ruined it all. As I do with all I touch. He's probably better of without me."


"Ichigo. I'm really sorry about this morning. I'm really, really sorry."
"I'm not the one that needs to hear that. Shouldn't you be out looking for him?"
Rukia lowered her head.
"I have looked. He just doesn't want to be found."
Ichigo studied her as she explained how she had searched everywhere.
"I thought you were the expert on sensing spirit power. How come you can't sense his now?" Ichigo stopped and thought for a while. "And how come you haven't noticed him sneaking into my room every night in about a week now?"
"I can't help it that your spirit power drowns everyone else's once you're close. You really should learn to control it. And the answer to your first question is that he's hiding his spirit power. He doesn't want to be found."
"It's your entire fault he's even gone in the first place, you know that right!"
"Of course I do. And I've already said I'm sorry."
"And I told you, it's not me that needs to hear those words. I've already forgiven you."
Rukia smiled
"Thank you."
"Just drop it now and find Renji and apologize to him."
"I will. And thank you again."
"I said drop it!"
Rukia smiled and jumped out of Ichigo's room through the window.


"I'm dying."
Renji looked around. Snow everywhere. His whole body was cold and his fingers didn't feel long from turning blue. The cold made his whole body shiver and the tears in his face to form ice-crystals under his eyes. He didn't remember how long he'd been sitting there, just looking at the snow fall, at the people passing by. All he knew was that it had been hours.
He hadn't had the courage to go to school, since he wasn't sure on how to greet Rukia. She had made everything so complicated. "Why did she have to walk in like that?"
Renji felt how his whole body shivered. He missed Ichigo. Holding him close and feeling his warmth. Then he wouldn't freeze. Never be cold.
"I'm dying."
He felt how his body started giving up and he fell down. When his face touched the snow, everything went black. He could hear his own heartbeats slowing down.
"I'm dying."


"Any luck?"
"No. He's vanished out of this world it seems."
Now Ichigo really started to worry. "Renji, where are you?"
"I didn't know he was this good at hiding himself. What a good friend I am."
Rukia sat down on Ichigo's bed and buried her head in her hands. Even though she tried to fight them, she couldn't stop the tears from coming.
"Stop beating yourself up. We will find him. Even if we have to search all night."
"Ichigo..."
Rukia wiped her tears, but that didn't really help, since they were still flowing. Ichigo felt really uncomfortable, and didn't really know what to do. He kneeled next to Rukia and she saw it as an invite and clung onto Ichigo and cried. At first Ichigo was too shocked to even think straight, but when the shock finally wore of, he realized that this was what she needed. Sure it had been embarrassing for him and Renji, but it hadn't really been easy for her either. He put his arms around her and comforted her.
"I'm a horrible friend," she said between the sobbing.
"No you were just a little unlucky."
He hugged her one last time, and then pushed her off a little.
"Why don't you get some rest? I'll continue searching."
She nodded.
"Don't worry. I'll find him. I promise. Even if I have to search all night."
Rukia did as she was told and went to her own room, to get some rest. Ichigo changed into a shinigami and just as he was about to jump out of the window, he felt it. Renji's spirit force. It was weak, but still there. But there wasn't much time. Ichigo realized he had to hurry. He jumped out of the window and ran as fast as he possibly could.
"Don't you dare die."


A sense of floating. A feeling of being carried. Bright stars, brown eyes and a warm body. Renji couldn't figure out whether he was dead, living or dreaming. All he knew was that who ever carried him, and wherever they where going, he wished that he could forgive Rukia and tell Ichigo how much he loved him. Just one last time.
Suddenly all movement stopped and instead of being carried, someone held him gently. He felt absolutely safe. Now he knew where he was and this time he didn't fight the tears.
"Renji. Don't you ever pull a stupid thing like that again."
Renji's body shook violently. Both from the cold and from crying. Ichigo held him closer and kissed his eyelids softly. Then he carefully removed Renji's frozen clothes and wrapped Renji in dozens of blankets.
"Let's try to get you warm, before you catch a cold."
"I-Ichigo. I... love you!"
Ichigo removed his own clothes, slipped down beside Renji and put his arms around Renji's waist.
"I know Renji."
"A-and I'm so-sorry that I-I said those horrible th-things. I..."
"Schhh. Sleep now."
"But I called you..."
"Renji! This stupid human, who loves you more than anything, tells you to go to sleep."
"But..."
"Renji! If you don't shut up and go to sleep now I'll silence you with a kiss. And you know how hard it is to stop there. And I really think you need to sleep."
"But all I..."
"You're begging for it aren't you?"
"Of course."
"Don't come whining tomorrow that you are tired then."
Renji kissed Ichigo and Ichigo cursed himself for wrapping Renji in so many blankets.


End of chapter 3