Categories > Celebrities > My Chemical Romance > Gerard Way's Diary
Chapter Five: April - Suicidal Birthday Blues!
8 reviewsApril: Birthday Blues, the problem with Mikey, misplaced keys and did you know he was a boxer?
2Exciting
Disclaimer: Don't own MCR, don't own Bridget Jones and don't own that "I kissed a girl" song. Thank god! Some of the quotes are not mine and Miley Cyrus isn't either
WARNINGS: So much swearing, drinking and smoking it's insane. Don't try this at home.
To my reviewers: You're my world! I hope you get the coments I leave for you all after the coments you leave for me. Peace and love!
Chapter five: April - Suicidal Birthday Blues!
Sunday, April 2nd
85 kg (meh!), 0 beers, 0 cigarettes, 0 joints (and no, I am not kidding).
10 a.m. College: My room. So, have decided to turn over a new leaf. Was unhappy with the way last month ended, so I decided to start off April with a whole new attitude.
One month without booze, smokes and weed.
Man, I feel better already. Cleansed ... I could definitely get used to this.
10:15 a.m. Who the fuck am I kidding? I need a drink! I need a cigarette! I need a fucking joint!
10:30 a.m. Alright ... alright. Deep breaths.
Take it easy Gerard, you can do this! It's only a month. You've already gotten through a day and a bit ... how hard can it be?
So ... here goes. I have decided to flush my cigarettes down the toilet.
Who's the man? I AM!
11 a.m. Just got back from the Seven Eleven up the road. Needed more cigarettes, some fucking idiot flushed mine down the toilet.
8 p.m. Okay, I have a real problem. Sure, I've been strong; I haven't had one single drink yet. But I've been pouring my red bull into a shot glass just so it feels like I'm actually drinking.
This is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
9 p.m. This was a bad idea! I need liquor!
Tuesday, April 4th
Okay, I am determined to tackle the very serious issue I have with - well, with everyone really. I'm going to be 22 in a few days and I'm officially all alone in this cruel, horrible world. Have now made it my duty to fix at least one of the relationship problems I have before my birthday.
I mean, not only am I going to be 22, still in college, with no job and no girl friend, I'm also going to be completely friendless. Well, I still have Ben, but I swear that guy likes study and homework way more then he likes me. I haven't seen him in at least a week!
I have also come to the realization that Bert and Quinn are perhaps border line insane. I've been continuing to ignore them as it seems to be the only solution I can come up with, but I don't think they even notice, or even care. They just walk past me and smile or call out my name and ask me to sit with them when I enter the cafeteria. Seriously, what's their deal? Don't they realize I'm upset with them?
I think the easiest way to do this is to write all of my problems down and see if I can't solve one of them before Sunday:
1. Sarah! Potential girl friend. She likes me, I like her, we go out a lot, I swear it feels like we're in a relationship. Yet, every time I try to take the relationship to the next level, she just goes all funny on me.
2. Amy! Psychopathic Obsessive Compulsive. Her obsession? Me! She's everywhere, following me around, waiting for me outside the art rooms just so she can see me. Am I allowed to get restraining orders for this sort of thing?
3. Mikey! Missing In Action. Where is he? What is he doing all the time? Who is he doing it with? Has he officially grown up and forgotten all about me? Has he got a new big brother?
4. Bert and Quinn! Oblivious, supposed best friends. I mean what am I to them? Do they even consider me a friend? I swear what Bert did that night was just to fuck with my head. Now they're both laughing at me ... why do I put myself in these situations?
5. Frank! Best male friend of possible girl friend. You're supposed to hate the best male friend that you're supposed girl friend has, right? Who cares ... I hate him for just being there. What's his deal?
And that's the main issues I have to deal with at the moment. Personally, I'm beginning to think I don't even really care anymore. Except with Mikey. I mean, the kids my brother for fuck's sake, why is he doing this to me? Why can't he talk to me anymore? What have I done wrong?
Wednesday, April 5th
86 kg (where does it come from?), 16 cigarettes (I haven't started smoking again, these things just happen. Call it a moment of weakness), 0 beers (see ... good), 0 joints, 7000 cups of coffee (make up for all the things I'm not having ... body is healthy, no need to worry).
10 a.m. Am buzzing ... so much coffee in my system it's fantastic. Am on high ... high as a kite ... high as a pot-head in a factory full of pot.
10:15 a.m. Maybe this whole quitting thing isn't so hard. I've still got coffee. It could really be the next best thing. You know, the thing that really ties my shoes, really floats my boat, really rocks my socks, really blows up my balloon, really plays my CD, really eats my burrito, really - oh that will do.
2 p.m. College: Library. So, had long boring theory art lesson to contemplate ways in which I am going to get my brother to talk.
The only solution that wasn't a. illegal and b. possibly psychologically and physically damaging to my little brother, was this: I'm going to buy some handcuffs, cuff him to a chair (an uncomfortable one) and then wave coffee around in front of him, but not offer him any, until he finally cracks and tells me everything.
It's a flawless plan.
2:15 p.m. Hmmm, where am I going to get handcuffs from?
2:25 p.m. Maybe rope will do.
Friday, April 7th
8 p.m. College: My room. Ben brought up very valid observation today when I joined him for breakfast, tired, miserable, cranky and sick - yes! That's right, I'm sick with the flu. He says everyone gets sick and cranky when they give up things.
That's incentive enough to start drinking and smoking again, right? ... Right?!? .... RIGHT?
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! Am going insane.
But on a lighter note, at least I have found someone to take all my anger out on. The pencil Nazi from my art class. His name's Marcus, kind of gay if you ask me, but I found out a lot about him from Ben. Man, that guy is a fountain of knowledge. How does he find time to find out about all these people when he spends all his time in the library? Does the library have student files on the shelves for anyone to just pick up and read? I sure hope not, could just imagine what mine would say:
Gerard Arthur Way: Comic book nerd. This rare species of human can often be found nesting in dark rooms or behind over sized canvas's. They're usually friendless and dateless and are prone to dying on their own. Diet habits include: Hallucinogens, alcoholic beverages, nicotine and anything high in sugar.
Hmmm. Note to self, check out every shelf in library and make sure pathetic life is not on display for everyone to read.
So anyway, this Marcus character ... turns out he's a rarity amongst his species as well. His older brother is a jock, a football playing jock. Turns out his older brother didn't want him to be a pathetic art geek, so he took him under his wing and turned him into a football playing art geek. Although, according to Ben, he's terrible at football.
However, his brother seemed to help him out with that as well. Marcus may be a substitute half the time and sit on the bench most of the game, but he is also the team mascot. And, even though that means he has to dress up in the dorky panda costume that out college's football team has, he still gets to dance with the cheer leaders, kick a football and ultimately, be labeled cool.
I mean, fuck him! He never even did any work to become cool, his brother just did everything for him.
Still, despite his impressive little resume, the guys a bigger wimp then me. And ... I don't like him. So he's now the object in which I let out all my anger on and I have quickly become the most disruptive person in my entire art class.
I honestly would have thought that short tempered Mr. Barry would have kicked me out on my ass by now but for some reason, the guy seems to turn a blind eye to anything I say or do. It's like he doesn't hate me anymore. I mean, what the fuck gives?
Saturday, April 8th
868kg (who the fuck cares, am going to die anyway!), 200 cigarettes (am going to die, the deal is off!), 20 beers (had to stop myself pouring them all into a bath and just lying in them, savoring the flavour, savoring the moment), 9 joints.
3 p.m. College: Library. Yes, I am in the library, I feel it is the only safe place for me at the moment and no, they don't have everyone's information on display for everyone to read - thank god!
So anyway, back to the reason I'm hiding out and back to the reason I'm going to die a very slow and painful death.
I can't keep my big, fucking mouth closed! That's why!
It's Saturday, I haven't partied, I haven't been out, I'm not drinking, I was bored. So I got up, got dressed and decided to treat myself to a proper coffee and a proper breakfast at this little cafe down the road that Sarah had taken me to a few days ago.
I walked up to my car and unlocked the door ... then, I heard laughter and someone calling out my name. As I looked around to see who it was that would be calling out to me of all people, my eyes locked with none other then Marcus the football playing panda. He was with a group of guys, some I recognized to be the same jocks that hung around with Frank Iero.
"Gerard! Hey, Gerard! Don't tell me that piece of shit is actually your ride?" He asked sarcastically.
There was laughter and a hell of a lot of high fiving in the group.
Didn't those fuckers know not to mess with someone who hasn't had any coffee, smokes or alcohol in at least the past 24 hours?
I just rolled my eyes. "It's one of them. But, my other ride's ya mum!"
Okay, I know it was lame, I know it was probably the stupidest thing that I've ever and I mean ever said, but the effect something like that has on jocks is quite astounding.
"You fucking little faggot!"
And with that, probably the biggest guy in the group stood up, pushed a few guys aside and started marching towards me.
"Holy shit! You're huge!"
And I had no shame in getting in my car, fumbling with my keys whilst swearing loudly and finally driving the fuck out of there. No shame at all. Because, let's face it, the guys fist was the size of my head!
So, after driving around for as long as I could before my petrol started to get low and I realised I couldn't afford to fill it up, I made a run for the library to hide out and am now searching the internet for a car detailing place near the college. You know, just so I can paint it a different colour so that they wont be able to smash it up whilst I sleep.
Worst part is, I found out who the big guy was that clearly wants to kill me. Marcus' older brother. Apparently he didn't like me speaking about his mother that way. And now it's big news all around campus ... he wants me dead.
"Hey man!"
I turned to see some random, scrawny looking kid sitting next to me, holding his book above his face so he could whisper to me without the cranky librarian hearing.
"Huh? What?"
"Dude! There's going to be a huge fight between Chris Palmer, you know the footballer ... and some guy named Gerard Way. Heard he's some kind of art nerd. I bet he doesn't know that Palmer is also boxing champion of the college though, ey. You wanna place bets?"
Oh holy shit on a stick!
"Um ... well, I'll give it to ya straight kid. I'd love to place a bet, but unfortunately it would be on this Chris guy to win and seeming as though I am in fact this Gerard Way guy you're talking about, I don't think it's worth me giving you my money as I'm not going to be around to claim my winnings?"
"Oh ..." The kid just stared at me, wide-eyed, looking me up and down. "Man, you're so screwed."
"Thanks for your support."
8 p.m. Am writing my will and worst part is, I have no one to leave my stuff to. It's sad and awfully depressing, but who would want my stuff anyway?
Maybe I still have time to learn how to defend myself?
I mean, come on! A fucking boxing champion? What did I do to deserve this?
Sunday, April 9th
8 a.m. I know its lame, I know I'm being stupid, but I didn't sleep a wink all night. Why? Because it's my birthday today, that's why! And every single birthday since Mikey had learnt to walk; he has come in to my room, or called my mobile when we moved apart, at exactly one minute past midnight.
Every single birthday except this one.
Sure, so I'm 21 - er - 22 now and I should be over all that childish shit. But, truth was, it was the only thing I was really looking forward to today.
Fuck him!
10 a.m. Finally decided to get out of bed and get some breakfast. Funny though, for a moment I really didn't think I would find the strength. I honestly didn't want to move.
I walked down to the cafeteria and got my toast as though I was a zombie, then I made my way to a table ... any table, I really wasn't in the mood to sit with anyone so I was going to pick an empty one.
That was about the time I looked over at a big group of people at a table in the corner. It consisted of about eight of the colleges' football players, one of which just happened to be Chris Palmer and of course, Frank Iero.
Figures, the one day I really just want to be left alone, they all happen to be sitting around eating breakfast at the same time I am.
Then, I put my toast down on the nearest table, shut my eyes, took a deep breath and began walking straight towards them. Why? Because I was mentally insane, that's why!
I mean, he was going to beat me up eventually and sure, I didn't really want it to happen on my birthday, but everything else was going wrong, I just thought if it was going to be a shit day, I may as well make it the shittiest day ever.
That was when one of them pointed in my direction and every eye at that table turned to face me. Chris' face lit up with a big, threatening smile as he sat up straighter and cracked his knuckles ... and that was when I saw Frank's face. His eyes were wide, his mouth was hanging open as though in shock and then, he stared right at me and shook his head just enough so that it could have gone unnoticed had I not been staring at him so intently.
I froze immediately. Was he warning me to stay away? Why would he do that?
And then, just like that, I felt a hand grab my arm and I was pulled roughly to another table.
"Are you fucking insane Gee? You got a death wish?"
I snapped out of my suicidal daze to look into the faces of Bert and Quinn. Bert still had a tight grip on my arm as he shook it slightly as though trying to snap me out of it. I quickly snatched my arm away from his hand.
"Yeah ... you know, maybe I do. The guys going to kill me anyway, may as well be today."
"Why the hell would you want it to happen today?"
"Yeah man, isn't it your birthday?"
I immediately locked eyes with Bert and just starred at him. How the hell did Bert McCrack-head remember it was my birthday?
"How do you know that?"
"You're kidding right? Dude, we were at your 21st last year."
"Yeah, but how did you remember what date it was?"
"What's wrong with you man? We're your friends; we're supposed to remember shit like that ... aren't we?"
Quinn and Bert suddenly looked at each other a little uncertain as though they were genuinely unsure whether they should have remembered that bit of information or not. But I was to busy feeling slightly warm and fuzzy. I know its lame, but I just never figured these two were actually my friends. I wasn't sure what we were, drinking buddies maybe, but they weren't the type to let other people in their tight little circle of two.
"So ... does that mean you don't want your birthday present?"
"You guys got me something?"
"Course we did! But it'll have to wait for tonight." Bert winked at me, Quinn laughed quietly to himself.
"Oh ... um ..."
"Don't be fucking stupid, we're not having a threesome Gee! But trust me when I say, it'll be even better!"
I couldn't help but laugh at that. Maybe it wouldn't be such a bad day after all.
Tuesday, April 11th
83 kg (woah!), 2 beers, 0 cigarettes (good), 12 joints (bad ... they even each other out though.)
1 p.m. College: My room. Art class is going terrible. Every chance Marcus or I get, we're trying to sabotage each others art works or class notes or something equally as bad. It used to be the only thing I enjoyed about college, now the only good thing about it is the parties that go on in the room next door.
But, the night of my birthday left me more confused then ever about, well, everything.
After Quinn and Bert pulled through for me, making my breakfast less lonely, making me a hash-brownie birthday cake with candles and everything for the small party we had in their room and buying me a bottle of vodka (which we drank), my day continued to look up.
We drunkenly stumbled around the halls looking for something to do and that was when we passed Sarah and her friends. She asked what we were celebrating and Quinn and Bert quickly explained to her it was my birthday.
As we sat with them for a while, slurring and mumbling shit I'm not even sure made any kind of sense, I began to realize that her friends were actually quite nice, even if they did giggle at the three of us a lot more then was necessary. Then the conversation took an unusual turn.
"So Gerard, I heard you got on the wrong side of Chris Palmer the other day." It was one of Sarah's friends that brought it up, like I even needed to be reminded.
"Er - yeah ... I'm pretty sure I'm a dead man."
But Sarah shook her head and then said something I never expected to hear.
"I wouldn't worry about it to much Gee ... Frank said he was going to try and sort it out. Put some sense into Chris' thick skull."
I just stared. Bert and Quinn gave each other a look before staring at me, eyebrows raised.
"I'm sorry. Did you just say that Frank was helping me?"
"Huh? Of course. He knows Chris pretty well, he said he'd talk to him about it."
It was odd. Just like at breakfast that morning. What was this guys deal? Then it hit me, he was probably only doing it to impress Sarah. Show her how much of a nice guy he could be. Was I really in a position to complain though? It didn't really matter why he was helping because truthfully, I needed all the fucking help I could get.
Then we realised it was late, said goodbye and headed back to Bert and Quinn's room, but Sarah stopped me.
"I forgot to say Gee ... Happy Birthday."
And with that, she kissed me!
It didn't last long, but it was there. After all the attempts I had made after every "not date" we have had and she just decides it's time. With that, she bounced away with a smile leaving me to stare after her in confusion.
And not confusion because she had kissed me, confusion because I didn't really care. She had kissed me and it had been a good kiss, but there was something missing.
"Gee, you coming man?"
With that, I snapped out of it and followed Bert and Quinn back to their room, still very deeply in my own head as I realised that perhaps I didn't like Sarah as much as I thought I did.
Monday, April 17th
86 kg, 19 beers (fucking Mikey), 1 carton of cigarettes (fucking Mikey), 9 joints (fucking Mikey), no. of arguments today: 3.
9 a.m. Woke up to the sound of my phone ringing. Was actually kind of excited, especially considering I hadn't received any calls since my birthday, and they had only been from my parents, my aunty and my grandma, and my life had actually been quite dull after all the excitement that that day had also brought.
It was Mikey.
"Hey."
"Hey Gee. What's been happening? Haven't heard from you in ages!"
"Yeah, well, I've still got the same number you know."
"Huh? Y-yeah, I know. But I'm always calling you, every once and a while you can call me you know, visit me even."
Woah! How the hell could he be pissed off at me? I wasn't the one that forgot my brothers fucking birthday.
"What? Don't give me that shit Mikey! I have been calling you - and every time I do, you're too busy, doing some shit, with some person! There's no point in me talking to you anymore if you're going to keep secrets from me!"
"You're full of shit Gee, you know that right? You're always keeping secrets from me! I'm just not such a big fucking girl about it, that's all."
"Oh, whatever!"
And, with that, I hung up the phone.
I was so pissed off! How dare he call me a girl.
It was the first time Mikey and I had had a conversation like that in a long time, I didn't like it. In fact, I hated it.
Now he's ruined my fucking day again and it's all his fault, the little prick still hasn't even remembered that he missed my birthday, he didn't even ring up to apologize for forgetting or anything!
I hate him!
11 a.m. My phone's ringing again and somehow I already know who it is before I answer it.
"What is it now Mikey?"
"What the hell is your problem Gee? Do you ever think of anyone but yourself?"
"Shut up Mikey! You're an ass, you know that right?"
"Yeah, well you're a dick!"
"You're a fucking turd sandwich!"
"Yeah, well you're a fat-headed camel!"
"Oh come on Mikey you can do better then that can't you? How about I give you some time to come up with a better one."
"Wha -? No don't you fuckin -"
And I hung up on him once more.
1 p.m. Phone is ringing again! You know, I'm actually starting to think we're pretty pathetic ... Na!
"Seriously Mikey, I don't want to -"
"Just shut up and listen to me you ass-hole! I met someone ... you happy now? A girl, her name's Alisha. We've been seeing each other for a few weeks now and that's who I've been messaging, that's who I've been ringing and that's who I've been spending a lot of time with. Okay! You fucking happy now?"
"Why didn't you just say that before you dumb-ass?"
"You wanna know why? Because you were so miserable about loosing Amy and then you were so miserable about that other chick, you know, the one that you're dating but not really -"
"Sarah!"
"Whatever! And then when you went off to meet that random that's been messaging you, well, I could tell that you were lonely as hell, alright! I didn't want to fucking rub everything in your face and be all ha ha ha, I have a girlfriend and you don't!"
"I'm not lonely!"
"You're missing the point Gee!"
"No Mikey, you're missing the point! You don't think I would have been happy for you? You're my fucking brother! I wasn't going to let anything get in the way of me being happy that you found someone. Now I'm just pissed off you kept it from me for so long. Do Mum and Dad know?"
"What? Course they do, they've met her."
"SEE! You always used to tell me everything before Mum and Dad, now you're telling them everything and laughing and having a good time and I'm not included and - oh - you're a bastard!"
"What the hell man? That doesn't make any sense! Why are you so pissed off?"
"Because you forgot Mikey! I waited all night and you fucking forgot!"
"Huh? Forgot what?"
"Fuck you!"
"No ... Gerard don't hang up -"
And I did ... again. Only this time I turned my phone off. I was so mad I didn't want to speak to him or anyone else ever again.
Friday, April 21st
7 p.m. College: My room. Just sitting in here listening to country music ... the music of pain. I didn't go to class yesterday, I just sat there, staring at my phone wondering whether I should turn it back on or not yet.
Truth was, I really wanted to talk to Mikey, but at the same time, I couldn't. I knew if I did we'd just get into a fight again.
9 p.m. Just finished talking to Bert. It's odd, just when I think that the two of them don't care about anyone but themselves, they remember my birthday and they check up on me when they haven't seen me all day.
There was a knock on my door and then, he just entered.
"Hey Gee ... you still sulking?"
"No!"
"Sure, and I totally believe you. So?"
"So? ... What?"
"Well, you gonna tell me what's bothering you?"
I almost chocked. Did Bert just ask me what was bothering me? Usually he never asked, he'd just notice something was up and say "this'll fix ya" whilst handing me a beer and a joint. Yet, now that he was asking, it seemed kind of stupid. You couldn't talk to Bert about things like this, he just wouldn't get it.
"Um - na. It's nothing really, I'm just being stupid."
"You sure?"
"Yeah, I'm sure."
"Good ... then I take it you're up for the party we're having tomorrow night?"
"Hell yeah!"
"That's the spirit. Starts at 6, there'll be a few more people there then usual but they're pretty cool. Oh and I'll probably be a little late, I have a class at 5, the bitch of a teacher always keeps us back, but Quinn will be there all afternoon."
And again, I almost chocked. Bert was going to a class? And he even knew what the teacher was like which meant he actually did it often! This guy never ceased to amaze me.
"See ya then Gee."
With that, he winked at me and walked out, leaving me to stare at the closed door wondering what the hell Bert could possibly be doing in class. Could I even imagine him sitting there, pen and paper out, actually writing stuff down?
Least he took my mind off Mikey.
9:15 p.m. Oh darn it! Why'd I have to say that for? Now I'm thinking about Mikey again.
9:30 p.m. Fuck him!
Sunday, April 23rd
84 kg (probably from spewing so much), 0 beers (nursing hang over), 0 cigarettes (they're just making me feel sick), 0 joints.
Noon. College: My room. Yes, I'm still in bed. And yes, I have a killer hang over. But was it even worth it? Did I even have fun at the party? No!
Life Lesson No.1: Never drink when you're emotional.
All through art class yesterday I had to put up with Marcus' whispered insults as he was once again drawing his still-life right next to me. Finally, I just snapped. I pushed his canvas over and shouted:
"See how you like that you little bitch!"
I think I caught him by surprise because he just stood there staring at me as Mr. Barry told me to go for a walk to cool off. I didn't bother going back to class; I just made my way for Quinn and Bert's room. It was pretty early, so only Quinn was there, but as soon as he saw me, he got out the pot, got out the beers and we started drinking.
And, we didn't stop until people I didn't really recognize started knocking on the door and joining us for even more drinks.
By the time Bert walked in at 7 p.m. me and Quinn were thoroughly wasted.
"Berrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrt!"
"Hi guys ... can you please help me? I'm not drunk!"
The fact that me and Quinn were absolutely rolling around on the ground, peeing our pants with laughter at Bert's comment only made me realize just how drunk we really were. Nevertheless, Bert still needed a drinking buddy and whilst Quinn was now calling it quits, I was more then happy to be the one to step in and have some Vodka with him.
Then it happened.
"I kissed a girl and I liked it. I kissed a girl just to try it -"
My message tone ... the one that Mikey had changed the last time I was at home. Suddenly, I missed him. Suddenly, I felt horrible for making everything so much about me that I made him think he had to keep the news of his new girl friend from me. Suddenly I felt like a shit brother!
"Gee, you okay? I think you just vibrated ... I liked it."
I stared at Bert, hoping that something inside me would snap and I would just get over the argument with my brother and just laugh along with what he had just said. But I felt a lump in my throat and a stinging in my eyes ... I was going to cry!
I didn't know what time it was, but Quinn was passed out and I was actually quite surprised I wasn't by that stage as well. Without even thinking, I got up and headed for my room next door. As soon as I got there, I spotted my car keys on my desk and grabbed them, a stupid, alcohol induced idea in my head.
"Where you headed?" Bert asked curiously as he peaked out of their noisy bedroom to see where I'd gone.
"Toilet ... busting."
That's all I could get out and apparently I convinced him because he just laughed at me and stumbled back into his room. But, of course, I had no intention of going to the toilet. Keys in hand, I stumbled down the corridor, walked down the stairs slowly, tripping down the last five and then I headed past a large group of people, none of which I could recognize in my drunken state.
"Woah man! You can't even fucking walk straight!" Someone from the group called out to me as I heard them laughing at me. Then, just to show them, I tried to walk in a straight line but ended up against the wall, holding it for support.
I walked straight out the college and into the car park. Finally locating my car, I headed towards it, jingling my keys around just to make sure I still had them.
Sure, I probably should have realised just then as I was shaking my keys to an imaginary tune and holding onto cars for support that I was far to wasted to drive anywhere! Yet, there was only one idea in my drunken mind ... I had to go see Mikey and apologize.
"Um ... you're not actually going to try and drive, are you?"
I spun around, accidentally dropping my keys as I did so and giggling at my own clumsiness.
"That's the plan."
Still giggling, I looked up to see who had just pushed me out of the way, grabbed my keys and pocketed them. It was Frank Iero.
"Hey ... they're my keys!"
"I think it's safer if I keep these."
I just glared at him. I wasn't in the mood for him, I was angry, frustrated, upset and I was drunk, which only made it all that much worse.
"Give me back my keys ... I have to apologize to Mikey, I have to go home!"
"Fine, I'll give you back your keys if you can say the alphabet backwards."
"Oh you'd like that wouldn't you?"
Frank laughed, I didn't. I just continued to glare at him.
"Please give them back Frank!"
"Trust me man! You won't get very far."
"Frank! Give me my fucking keys!"
He shook his head and turned to walk away. I tried to chase after him, tackling him to the ground, anything to get my keys back but I realised right about then that I had forgotten how to walk so I just leaned against my car, slipped down it until I was sitting on the floor, leaning against one of its wheels and I sobbed.
I'm a fucking loser! I actually started crying in front of Frank!
"Hey! What's up? Why you gotta get home so badly?"
He was back! And, as much as I still continue to hate Frank, I can't help but still feel more then grateful that he came back and sat next to me on the cold concrete of the car park.
Then, just like that, I drunkenly spilled everything out to the one guy I really didn't want to hear anything about my pathetic little life.
"My brother hates me! I yelled at him. He forgot my birthday ... he never forgets! He's never forgotten! He calls me every year, one minute past midnight; he's always got to be the first. Then, he just forgets me. And he kept all his secrets from me ... he has a girl friend you know! Little, stuttering Mikey has a girl friend and he didn't tell me because I was upset about stupid girls. And ... my phone went off. I have a text message I think, but my pants are too tight and I can't get it out of my fucking pocket!"
I'm such a stupid fuck! Here I was talking to Frank as though he knew who Mikey was, as though he cared about our stupid sibling bickering and as though he cared how tight my pants were.
"Do you really think your brother wants you to try and drive out to see him when you're like this?"
"No ... but I have to tell him I'm sorry!"
"I'm sure it can wait till tomorrow, I can't let you drive ... you'll die."
"Gee you fucking dick! What the hell are you doing here?"
And that was when Bert arrived on the scene. Now, by this stage the alcohol started to kick in a whole lot more and my memory is kind of cloudy, but Frank got a bit flustered and took off in a hurry as Bert helped me back to my room. Guess the guy doesn't like Bert; he can be pretty intimidating at times.
So then, I woke up this morning. Very hung over and struggling to remember if last night actually happened all not. Turned out it did as Bert and Quinn came in an hour ago to jump on my bed and ask me what I was talking to Frank about.
Dicks! They should know I have a fucking hang over.
2:00 p.m. Oh shit! Frank still has my car keys!
Thursday, April 27th
5 p.m. Don't laugh, but I still haven't gotten my car keys off Frank yet. Yes, I know! And yes, I really need them! But the fact of the matter is, I can't just go up to Frank and ask him for them back.
See, every time I actually see him, he's with his friends. All of whom want me dead! So I can't just walk up and simply ask him for my keys back and even if I could ... there's no way in hell I would!
I embarrassed myself ... I was so stupid! I can't believe I told him all that shit! I can't believe I cried! If I go up and ask for my keys back, he's just going to laugh at me, I know he is.
Darn it ... how am I going to get them back?
What if he breaks into it? What if they find the Miley Cyrus CD in the glove box? I swear ... I only have it there because my cousin left it in there!
Saturday, April 29th
4 p.m. College: My room. I finally gave in and called Mikey back. And I honestly thought that he wasn't going to pick up. I mean, who could blame him.
"Gee?"
"Hey Mikes."
"Hey bro."
"Look ... I don't wanna fight. I just called to say that I'm sorry."
"Oh ... okay."
At first I thought he wasn't going to say anything. There was a long silence and I wasn't sure what was going to happen. I got to admit, for a moment I actually thought that he was going to hang up on me.
"A-anyway ... that's it I guess. See ya bro."
"See ya Gee."
And with that, we hung up.
Now I'm left even more messed up then before. It didn't go at all how I hoped it would and, what was worse, Mikey didn't sound like his usual excited self. He sounded terrible ... upset even.
That phone call didn't help at all! It's only made things worse!
I just want my brother back ... and my keys!
-----------------------------
AN: Dance magic dance! Hmmm, just in a Bowie mood. Aaaaanyway! This one was a little more serious then the others. I hope you still like it nonetheless because I do intend to put some heart and soul into this. There is a particularly sad chapter coming up soon and in advance, I'm sorry, but I will try and make it as little angsty as possible. Maybe Gee will listen to some more country music ... I mean, it is seriously the definition of Emo "you don't tell my heart, my acky breaky heart" - SEE!
As usual, I love to hear what you guys and gals think. Because you are the readers and I write only to impress you. It's true ... I know, I know ... but it is. Yes, I have no idea what I am talking about. Lollies on sticks for everyone!
More Ferard to come, but I have to destroy everything first, muhahahahaha. Another update tomorrow, maybe ... if you all are lucky. Na, it's really just if I can be bothered, he he and LOL-athon.
WARNINGS: So much swearing, drinking and smoking it's insane. Don't try this at home.
To my reviewers: You're my world! I hope you get the coments I leave for you all after the coments you leave for me. Peace and love!
Chapter five: April - Suicidal Birthday Blues!
Sunday, April 2nd
85 kg (meh!), 0 beers, 0 cigarettes, 0 joints (and no, I am not kidding).
10 a.m. College: My room. So, have decided to turn over a new leaf. Was unhappy with the way last month ended, so I decided to start off April with a whole new attitude.
One month without booze, smokes and weed.
Man, I feel better already. Cleansed ... I could definitely get used to this.
10:15 a.m. Who the fuck am I kidding? I need a drink! I need a cigarette! I need a fucking joint!
10:30 a.m. Alright ... alright. Deep breaths.
Take it easy Gerard, you can do this! It's only a month. You've already gotten through a day and a bit ... how hard can it be?
So ... here goes. I have decided to flush my cigarettes down the toilet.
Who's the man? I AM!
11 a.m. Just got back from the Seven Eleven up the road. Needed more cigarettes, some fucking idiot flushed mine down the toilet.
8 p.m. Okay, I have a real problem. Sure, I've been strong; I haven't had one single drink yet. But I've been pouring my red bull into a shot glass just so it feels like I'm actually drinking.
This is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
9 p.m. This was a bad idea! I need liquor!
Tuesday, April 4th
Okay, I am determined to tackle the very serious issue I have with - well, with everyone really. I'm going to be 22 in a few days and I'm officially all alone in this cruel, horrible world. Have now made it my duty to fix at least one of the relationship problems I have before my birthday.
I mean, not only am I going to be 22, still in college, with no job and no girl friend, I'm also going to be completely friendless. Well, I still have Ben, but I swear that guy likes study and homework way more then he likes me. I haven't seen him in at least a week!
I have also come to the realization that Bert and Quinn are perhaps border line insane. I've been continuing to ignore them as it seems to be the only solution I can come up with, but I don't think they even notice, or even care. They just walk past me and smile or call out my name and ask me to sit with them when I enter the cafeteria. Seriously, what's their deal? Don't they realize I'm upset with them?
I think the easiest way to do this is to write all of my problems down and see if I can't solve one of them before Sunday:
1. Sarah! Potential girl friend. She likes me, I like her, we go out a lot, I swear it feels like we're in a relationship. Yet, every time I try to take the relationship to the next level, she just goes all funny on me.
2. Amy! Psychopathic Obsessive Compulsive. Her obsession? Me! She's everywhere, following me around, waiting for me outside the art rooms just so she can see me. Am I allowed to get restraining orders for this sort of thing?
3. Mikey! Missing In Action. Where is he? What is he doing all the time? Who is he doing it with? Has he officially grown up and forgotten all about me? Has he got a new big brother?
4. Bert and Quinn! Oblivious, supposed best friends. I mean what am I to them? Do they even consider me a friend? I swear what Bert did that night was just to fuck with my head. Now they're both laughing at me ... why do I put myself in these situations?
5. Frank! Best male friend of possible girl friend. You're supposed to hate the best male friend that you're supposed girl friend has, right? Who cares ... I hate him for just being there. What's his deal?
And that's the main issues I have to deal with at the moment. Personally, I'm beginning to think I don't even really care anymore. Except with Mikey. I mean, the kids my brother for fuck's sake, why is he doing this to me? Why can't he talk to me anymore? What have I done wrong?
Wednesday, April 5th
86 kg (where does it come from?), 16 cigarettes (I haven't started smoking again, these things just happen. Call it a moment of weakness), 0 beers (see ... good), 0 joints, 7000 cups of coffee (make up for all the things I'm not having ... body is healthy, no need to worry).
10 a.m. Am buzzing ... so much coffee in my system it's fantastic. Am on high ... high as a kite ... high as a pot-head in a factory full of pot.
10:15 a.m. Maybe this whole quitting thing isn't so hard. I've still got coffee. It could really be the next best thing. You know, the thing that really ties my shoes, really floats my boat, really rocks my socks, really blows up my balloon, really plays my CD, really eats my burrito, really - oh that will do.
2 p.m. College: Library. So, had long boring theory art lesson to contemplate ways in which I am going to get my brother to talk.
The only solution that wasn't a. illegal and b. possibly psychologically and physically damaging to my little brother, was this: I'm going to buy some handcuffs, cuff him to a chair (an uncomfortable one) and then wave coffee around in front of him, but not offer him any, until he finally cracks and tells me everything.
It's a flawless plan.
2:15 p.m. Hmmm, where am I going to get handcuffs from?
2:25 p.m. Maybe rope will do.
Friday, April 7th
8 p.m. College: My room. Ben brought up very valid observation today when I joined him for breakfast, tired, miserable, cranky and sick - yes! That's right, I'm sick with the flu. He says everyone gets sick and cranky when they give up things.
That's incentive enough to start drinking and smoking again, right? ... Right?!? .... RIGHT?
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! Am going insane.
But on a lighter note, at least I have found someone to take all my anger out on. The pencil Nazi from my art class. His name's Marcus, kind of gay if you ask me, but I found out a lot about him from Ben. Man, that guy is a fountain of knowledge. How does he find time to find out about all these people when he spends all his time in the library? Does the library have student files on the shelves for anyone to just pick up and read? I sure hope not, could just imagine what mine would say:
Gerard Arthur Way: Comic book nerd. This rare species of human can often be found nesting in dark rooms or behind over sized canvas's. They're usually friendless and dateless and are prone to dying on their own. Diet habits include: Hallucinogens, alcoholic beverages, nicotine and anything high in sugar.
Hmmm. Note to self, check out every shelf in library and make sure pathetic life is not on display for everyone to read.
So anyway, this Marcus character ... turns out he's a rarity amongst his species as well. His older brother is a jock, a football playing jock. Turns out his older brother didn't want him to be a pathetic art geek, so he took him under his wing and turned him into a football playing art geek. Although, according to Ben, he's terrible at football.
However, his brother seemed to help him out with that as well. Marcus may be a substitute half the time and sit on the bench most of the game, but he is also the team mascot. And, even though that means he has to dress up in the dorky panda costume that out college's football team has, he still gets to dance with the cheer leaders, kick a football and ultimately, be labeled cool.
I mean, fuck him! He never even did any work to become cool, his brother just did everything for him.
Still, despite his impressive little resume, the guys a bigger wimp then me. And ... I don't like him. So he's now the object in which I let out all my anger on and I have quickly become the most disruptive person in my entire art class.
I honestly would have thought that short tempered Mr. Barry would have kicked me out on my ass by now but for some reason, the guy seems to turn a blind eye to anything I say or do. It's like he doesn't hate me anymore. I mean, what the fuck gives?
Saturday, April 8th
868kg (who the fuck cares, am going to die anyway!), 200 cigarettes (am going to die, the deal is off!), 20 beers (had to stop myself pouring them all into a bath and just lying in them, savoring the flavour, savoring the moment), 9 joints.
3 p.m. College: Library. Yes, I am in the library, I feel it is the only safe place for me at the moment and no, they don't have everyone's information on display for everyone to read - thank god!
So anyway, back to the reason I'm hiding out and back to the reason I'm going to die a very slow and painful death.
I can't keep my big, fucking mouth closed! That's why!
It's Saturday, I haven't partied, I haven't been out, I'm not drinking, I was bored. So I got up, got dressed and decided to treat myself to a proper coffee and a proper breakfast at this little cafe down the road that Sarah had taken me to a few days ago.
I walked up to my car and unlocked the door ... then, I heard laughter and someone calling out my name. As I looked around to see who it was that would be calling out to me of all people, my eyes locked with none other then Marcus the football playing panda. He was with a group of guys, some I recognized to be the same jocks that hung around with Frank Iero.
"Gerard! Hey, Gerard! Don't tell me that piece of shit is actually your ride?" He asked sarcastically.
There was laughter and a hell of a lot of high fiving in the group.
Didn't those fuckers know not to mess with someone who hasn't had any coffee, smokes or alcohol in at least the past 24 hours?
I just rolled my eyes. "It's one of them. But, my other ride's ya mum!"
Okay, I know it was lame, I know it was probably the stupidest thing that I've ever and I mean ever said, but the effect something like that has on jocks is quite astounding.
"You fucking little faggot!"
And with that, probably the biggest guy in the group stood up, pushed a few guys aside and started marching towards me.
"Holy shit! You're huge!"
And I had no shame in getting in my car, fumbling with my keys whilst swearing loudly and finally driving the fuck out of there. No shame at all. Because, let's face it, the guys fist was the size of my head!
So, after driving around for as long as I could before my petrol started to get low and I realised I couldn't afford to fill it up, I made a run for the library to hide out and am now searching the internet for a car detailing place near the college. You know, just so I can paint it a different colour so that they wont be able to smash it up whilst I sleep.
Worst part is, I found out who the big guy was that clearly wants to kill me. Marcus' older brother. Apparently he didn't like me speaking about his mother that way. And now it's big news all around campus ... he wants me dead.
"Hey man!"
I turned to see some random, scrawny looking kid sitting next to me, holding his book above his face so he could whisper to me without the cranky librarian hearing.
"Huh? What?"
"Dude! There's going to be a huge fight between Chris Palmer, you know the footballer ... and some guy named Gerard Way. Heard he's some kind of art nerd. I bet he doesn't know that Palmer is also boxing champion of the college though, ey. You wanna place bets?"
Oh holy shit on a stick!
"Um ... well, I'll give it to ya straight kid. I'd love to place a bet, but unfortunately it would be on this Chris guy to win and seeming as though I am in fact this Gerard Way guy you're talking about, I don't think it's worth me giving you my money as I'm not going to be around to claim my winnings?"
"Oh ..." The kid just stared at me, wide-eyed, looking me up and down. "Man, you're so screwed."
"Thanks for your support."
8 p.m. Am writing my will and worst part is, I have no one to leave my stuff to. It's sad and awfully depressing, but who would want my stuff anyway?
Maybe I still have time to learn how to defend myself?
I mean, come on! A fucking boxing champion? What did I do to deserve this?
Sunday, April 9th
8 a.m. I know its lame, I know I'm being stupid, but I didn't sleep a wink all night. Why? Because it's my birthday today, that's why! And every single birthday since Mikey had learnt to walk; he has come in to my room, or called my mobile when we moved apart, at exactly one minute past midnight.
Every single birthday except this one.
Sure, so I'm 21 - er - 22 now and I should be over all that childish shit. But, truth was, it was the only thing I was really looking forward to today.
Fuck him!
10 a.m. Finally decided to get out of bed and get some breakfast. Funny though, for a moment I really didn't think I would find the strength. I honestly didn't want to move.
I walked down to the cafeteria and got my toast as though I was a zombie, then I made my way to a table ... any table, I really wasn't in the mood to sit with anyone so I was going to pick an empty one.
That was about the time I looked over at a big group of people at a table in the corner. It consisted of about eight of the colleges' football players, one of which just happened to be Chris Palmer and of course, Frank Iero.
Figures, the one day I really just want to be left alone, they all happen to be sitting around eating breakfast at the same time I am.
Then, I put my toast down on the nearest table, shut my eyes, took a deep breath and began walking straight towards them. Why? Because I was mentally insane, that's why!
I mean, he was going to beat me up eventually and sure, I didn't really want it to happen on my birthday, but everything else was going wrong, I just thought if it was going to be a shit day, I may as well make it the shittiest day ever.
That was when one of them pointed in my direction and every eye at that table turned to face me. Chris' face lit up with a big, threatening smile as he sat up straighter and cracked his knuckles ... and that was when I saw Frank's face. His eyes were wide, his mouth was hanging open as though in shock and then, he stared right at me and shook his head just enough so that it could have gone unnoticed had I not been staring at him so intently.
I froze immediately. Was he warning me to stay away? Why would he do that?
And then, just like that, I felt a hand grab my arm and I was pulled roughly to another table.
"Are you fucking insane Gee? You got a death wish?"
I snapped out of my suicidal daze to look into the faces of Bert and Quinn. Bert still had a tight grip on my arm as he shook it slightly as though trying to snap me out of it. I quickly snatched my arm away from his hand.
"Yeah ... you know, maybe I do. The guys going to kill me anyway, may as well be today."
"Why the hell would you want it to happen today?"
"Yeah man, isn't it your birthday?"
I immediately locked eyes with Bert and just starred at him. How the hell did Bert McCrack-head remember it was my birthday?
"How do you know that?"
"You're kidding right? Dude, we were at your 21st last year."
"Yeah, but how did you remember what date it was?"
"What's wrong with you man? We're your friends; we're supposed to remember shit like that ... aren't we?"
Quinn and Bert suddenly looked at each other a little uncertain as though they were genuinely unsure whether they should have remembered that bit of information or not. But I was to busy feeling slightly warm and fuzzy. I know its lame, but I just never figured these two were actually my friends. I wasn't sure what we were, drinking buddies maybe, but they weren't the type to let other people in their tight little circle of two.
"So ... does that mean you don't want your birthday present?"
"You guys got me something?"
"Course we did! But it'll have to wait for tonight." Bert winked at me, Quinn laughed quietly to himself.
"Oh ... um ..."
"Don't be fucking stupid, we're not having a threesome Gee! But trust me when I say, it'll be even better!"
I couldn't help but laugh at that. Maybe it wouldn't be such a bad day after all.
Tuesday, April 11th
83 kg (woah!), 2 beers, 0 cigarettes (good), 12 joints (bad ... they even each other out though.)
1 p.m. College: My room. Art class is going terrible. Every chance Marcus or I get, we're trying to sabotage each others art works or class notes or something equally as bad. It used to be the only thing I enjoyed about college, now the only good thing about it is the parties that go on in the room next door.
But, the night of my birthday left me more confused then ever about, well, everything.
After Quinn and Bert pulled through for me, making my breakfast less lonely, making me a hash-brownie birthday cake with candles and everything for the small party we had in their room and buying me a bottle of vodka (which we drank), my day continued to look up.
We drunkenly stumbled around the halls looking for something to do and that was when we passed Sarah and her friends. She asked what we were celebrating and Quinn and Bert quickly explained to her it was my birthday.
As we sat with them for a while, slurring and mumbling shit I'm not even sure made any kind of sense, I began to realize that her friends were actually quite nice, even if they did giggle at the three of us a lot more then was necessary. Then the conversation took an unusual turn.
"So Gerard, I heard you got on the wrong side of Chris Palmer the other day." It was one of Sarah's friends that brought it up, like I even needed to be reminded.
"Er - yeah ... I'm pretty sure I'm a dead man."
But Sarah shook her head and then said something I never expected to hear.
"I wouldn't worry about it to much Gee ... Frank said he was going to try and sort it out. Put some sense into Chris' thick skull."
I just stared. Bert and Quinn gave each other a look before staring at me, eyebrows raised.
"I'm sorry. Did you just say that Frank was helping me?"
"Huh? Of course. He knows Chris pretty well, he said he'd talk to him about it."
It was odd. Just like at breakfast that morning. What was this guys deal? Then it hit me, he was probably only doing it to impress Sarah. Show her how much of a nice guy he could be. Was I really in a position to complain though? It didn't really matter why he was helping because truthfully, I needed all the fucking help I could get.
Then we realised it was late, said goodbye and headed back to Bert and Quinn's room, but Sarah stopped me.
"I forgot to say Gee ... Happy Birthday."
And with that, she kissed me!
It didn't last long, but it was there. After all the attempts I had made after every "not date" we have had and she just decides it's time. With that, she bounced away with a smile leaving me to stare after her in confusion.
And not confusion because she had kissed me, confusion because I didn't really care. She had kissed me and it had been a good kiss, but there was something missing.
"Gee, you coming man?"
With that, I snapped out of it and followed Bert and Quinn back to their room, still very deeply in my own head as I realised that perhaps I didn't like Sarah as much as I thought I did.
Monday, April 17th
86 kg, 19 beers (fucking Mikey), 1 carton of cigarettes (fucking Mikey), 9 joints (fucking Mikey), no. of arguments today: 3.
9 a.m. Woke up to the sound of my phone ringing. Was actually kind of excited, especially considering I hadn't received any calls since my birthday, and they had only been from my parents, my aunty and my grandma, and my life had actually been quite dull after all the excitement that that day had also brought.
It was Mikey.
"Hey."
"Hey Gee. What's been happening? Haven't heard from you in ages!"
"Yeah, well, I've still got the same number you know."
"Huh? Y-yeah, I know. But I'm always calling you, every once and a while you can call me you know, visit me even."
Woah! How the hell could he be pissed off at me? I wasn't the one that forgot my brothers fucking birthday.
"What? Don't give me that shit Mikey! I have been calling you - and every time I do, you're too busy, doing some shit, with some person! There's no point in me talking to you anymore if you're going to keep secrets from me!"
"You're full of shit Gee, you know that right? You're always keeping secrets from me! I'm just not such a big fucking girl about it, that's all."
"Oh, whatever!"
And, with that, I hung up the phone.
I was so pissed off! How dare he call me a girl.
It was the first time Mikey and I had had a conversation like that in a long time, I didn't like it. In fact, I hated it.
Now he's ruined my fucking day again and it's all his fault, the little prick still hasn't even remembered that he missed my birthday, he didn't even ring up to apologize for forgetting or anything!
I hate him!
11 a.m. My phone's ringing again and somehow I already know who it is before I answer it.
"What is it now Mikey?"
"What the hell is your problem Gee? Do you ever think of anyone but yourself?"
"Shut up Mikey! You're an ass, you know that right?"
"Yeah, well you're a dick!"
"You're a fucking turd sandwich!"
"Yeah, well you're a fat-headed camel!"
"Oh come on Mikey you can do better then that can't you? How about I give you some time to come up with a better one."
"Wha -? No don't you fuckin -"
And I hung up on him once more.
1 p.m. Phone is ringing again! You know, I'm actually starting to think we're pretty pathetic ... Na!
"Seriously Mikey, I don't want to -"
"Just shut up and listen to me you ass-hole! I met someone ... you happy now? A girl, her name's Alisha. We've been seeing each other for a few weeks now and that's who I've been messaging, that's who I've been ringing and that's who I've been spending a lot of time with. Okay! You fucking happy now?"
"Why didn't you just say that before you dumb-ass?"
"You wanna know why? Because you were so miserable about loosing Amy and then you were so miserable about that other chick, you know, the one that you're dating but not really -"
"Sarah!"
"Whatever! And then when you went off to meet that random that's been messaging you, well, I could tell that you were lonely as hell, alright! I didn't want to fucking rub everything in your face and be all ha ha ha, I have a girlfriend and you don't!"
"I'm not lonely!"
"You're missing the point Gee!"
"No Mikey, you're missing the point! You don't think I would have been happy for you? You're my fucking brother! I wasn't going to let anything get in the way of me being happy that you found someone. Now I'm just pissed off you kept it from me for so long. Do Mum and Dad know?"
"What? Course they do, they've met her."
"SEE! You always used to tell me everything before Mum and Dad, now you're telling them everything and laughing and having a good time and I'm not included and - oh - you're a bastard!"
"What the hell man? That doesn't make any sense! Why are you so pissed off?"
"Because you forgot Mikey! I waited all night and you fucking forgot!"
"Huh? Forgot what?"
"Fuck you!"
"No ... Gerard don't hang up -"
And I did ... again. Only this time I turned my phone off. I was so mad I didn't want to speak to him or anyone else ever again.
Friday, April 21st
7 p.m. College: My room. Just sitting in here listening to country music ... the music of pain. I didn't go to class yesterday, I just sat there, staring at my phone wondering whether I should turn it back on or not yet.
Truth was, I really wanted to talk to Mikey, but at the same time, I couldn't. I knew if I did we'd just get into a fight again.
9 p.m. Just finished talking to Bert. It's odd, just when I think that the two of them don't care about anyone but themselves, they remember my birthday and they check up on me when they haven't seen me all day.
There was a knock on my door and then, he just entered.
"Hey Gee ... you still sulking?"
"No!"
"Sure, and I totally believe you. So?"
"So? ... What?"
"Well, you gonna tell me what's bothering you?"
I almost chocked. Did Bert just ask me what was bothering me? Usually he never asked, he'd just notice something was up and say "this'll fix ya" whilst handing me a beer and a joint. Yet, now that he was asking, it seemed kind of stupid. You couldn't talk to Bert about things like this, he just wouldn't get it.
"Um - na. It's nothing really, I'm just being stupid."
"You sure?"
"Yeah, I'm sure."
"Good ... then I take it you're up for the party we're having tomorrow night?"
"Hell yeah!"
"That's the spirit. Starts at 6, there'll be a few more people there then usual but they're pretty cool. Oh and I'll probably be a little late, I have a class at 5, the bitch of a teacher always keeps us back, but Quinn will be there all afternoon."
And again, I almost chocked. Bert was going to a class? And he even knew what the teacher was like which meant he actually did it often! This guy never ceased to amaze me.
"See ya then Gee."
With that, he winked at me and walked out, leaving me to stare at the closed door wondering what the hell Bert could possibly be doing in class. Could I even imagine him sitting there, pen and paper out, actually writing stuff down?
Least he took my mind off Mikey.
9:15 p.m. Oh darn it! Why'd I have to say that for? Now I'm thinking about Mikey again.
9:30 p.m. Fuck him!
Sunday, April 23rd
84 kg (probably from spewing so much), 0 beers (nursing hang over), 0 cigarettes (they're just making me feel sick), 0 joints.
Noon. College: My room. Yes, I'm still in bed. And yes, I have a killer hang over. But was it even worth it? Did I even have fun at the party? No!
Life Lesson No.1: Never drink when you're emotional.
All through art class yesterday I had to put up with Marcus' whispered insults as he was once again drawing his still-life right next to me. Finally, I just snapped. I pushed his canvas over and shouted:
"See how you like that you little bitch!"
I think I caught him by surprise because he just stood there staring at me as Mr. Barry told me to go for a walk to cool off. I didn't bother going back to class; I just made my way for Quinn and Bert's room. It was pretty early, so only Quinn was there, but as soon as he saw me, he got out the pot, got out the beers and we started drinking.
And, we didn't stop until people I didn't really recognize started knocking on the door and joining us for even more drinks.
By the time Bert walked in at 7 p.m. me and Quinn were thoroughly wasted.
"Berrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrt!"
"Hi guys ... can you please help me? I'm not drunk!"
The fact that me and Quinn were absolutely rolling around on the ground, peeing our pants with laughter at Bert's comment only made me realize just how drunk we really were. Nevertheless, Bert still needed a drinking buddy and whilst Quinn was now calling it quits, I was more then happy to be the one to step in and have some Vodka with him.
Then it happened.
"I kissed a girl and I liked it. I kissed a girl just to try it -"
My message tone ... the one that Mikey had changed the last time I was at home. Suddenly, I missed him. Suddenly, I felt horrible for making everything so much about me that I made him think he had to keep the news of his new girl friend from me. Suddenly I felt like a shit brother!
"Gee, you okay? I think you just vibrated ... I liked it."
I stared at Bert, hoping that something inside me would snap and I would just get over the argument with my brother and just laugh along with what he had just said. But I felt a lump in my throat and a stinging in my eyes ... I was going to cry!
I didn't know what time it was, but Quinn was passed out and I was actually quite surprised I wasn't by that stage as well. Without even thinking, I got up and headed for my room next door. As soon as I got there, I spotted my car keys on my desk and grabbed them, a stupid, alcohol induced idea in my head.
"Where you headed?" Bert asked curiously as he peaked out of their noisy bedroom to see where I'd gone.
"Toilet ... busting."
That's all I could get out and apparently I convinced him because he just laughed at me and stumbled back into his room. But, of course, I had no intention of going to the toilet. Keys in hand, I stumbled down the corridor, walked down the stairs slowly, tripping down the last five and then I headed past a large group of people, none of which I could recognize in my drunken state.
"Woah man! You can't even fucking walk straight!" Someone from the group called out to me as I heard them laughing at me. Then, just to show them, I tried to walk in a straight line but ended up against the wall, holding it for support.
I walked straight out the college and into the car park. Finally locating my car, I headed towards it, jingling my keys around just to make sure I still had them.
Sure, I probably should have realised just then as I was shaking my keys to an imaginary tune and holding onto cars for support that I was far to wasted to drive anywhere! Yet, there was only one idea in my drunken mind ... I had to go see Mikey and apologize.
"Um ... you're not actually going to try and drive, are you?"
I spun around, accidentally dropping my keys as I did so and giggling at my own clumsiness.
"That's the plan."
Still giggling, I looked up to see who had just pushed me out of the way, grabbed my keys and pocketed them. It was Frank Iero.
"Hey ... they're my keys!"
"I think it's safer if I keep these."
I just glared at him. I wasn't in the mood for him, I was angry, frustrated, upset and I was drunk, which only made it all that much worse.
"Give me back my keys ... I have to apologize to Mikey, I have to go home!"
"Fine, I'll give you back your keys if you can say the alphabet backwards."
"Oh you'd like that wouldn't you?"
Frank laughed, I didn't. I just continued to glare at him.
"Please give them back Frank!"
"Trust me man! You won't get very far."
"Frank! Give me my fucking keys!"
He shook his head and turned to walk away. I tried to chase after him, tackling him to the ground, anything to get my keys back but I realised right about then that I had forgotten how to walk so I just leaned against my car, slipped down it until I was sitting on the floor, leaning against one of its wheels and I sobbed.
I'm a fucking loser! I actually started crying in front of Frank!
"Hey! What's up? Why you gotta get home so badly?"
He was back! And, as much as I still continue to hate Frank, I can't help but still feel more then grateful that he came back and sat next to me on the cold concrete of the car park.
Then, just like that, I drunkenly spilled everything out to the one guy I really didn't want to hear anything about my pathetic little life.
"My brother hates me! I yelled at him. He forgot my birthday ... he never forgets! He's never forgotten! He calls me every year, one minute past midnight; he's always got to be the first. Then, he just forgets me. And he kept all his secrets from me ... he has a girl friend you know! Little, stuttering Mikey has a girl friend and he didn't tell me because I was upset about stupid girls. And ... my phone went off. I have a text message I think, but my pants are too tight and I can't get it out of my fucking pocket!"
I'm such a stupid fuck! Here I was talking to Frank as though he knew who Mikey was, as though he cared about our stupid sibling bickering and as though he cared how tight my pants were.
"Do you really think your brother wants you to try and drive out to see him when you're like this?"
"No ... but I have to tell him I'm sorry!"
"I'm sure it can wait till tomorrow, I can't let you drive ... you'll die."
"Gee you fucking dick! What the hell are you doing here?"
And that was when Bert arrived on the scene. Now, by this stage the alcohol started to kick in a whole lot more and my memory is kind of cloudy, but Frank got a bit flustered and took off in a hurry as Bert helped me back to my room. Guess the guy doesn't like Bert; he can be pretty intimidating at times.
So then, I woke up this morning. Very hung over and struggling to remember if last night actually happened all not. Turned out it did as Bert and Quinn came in an hour ago to jump on my bed and ask me what I was talking to Frank about.
Dicks! They should know I have a fucking hang over.
2:00 p.m. Oh shit! Frank still has my car keys!
Thursday, April 27th
5 p.m. Don't laugh, but I still haven't gotten my car keys off Frank yet. Yes, I know! And yes, I really need them! But the fact of the matter is, I can't just go up to Frank and ask him for them back.
See, every time I actually see him, he's with his friends. All of whom want me dead! So I can't just walk up and simply ask him for my keys back and even if I could ... there's no way in hell I would!
I embarrassed myself ... I was so stupid! I can't believe I told him all that shit! I can't believe I cried! If I go up and ask for my keys back, he's just going to laugh at me, I know he is.
Darn it ... how am I going to get them back?
What if he breaks into it? What if they find the Miley Cyrus CD in the glove box? I swear ... I only have it there because my cousin left it in there!
Saturday, April 29th
4 p.m. College: My room. I finally gave in and called Mikey back. And I honestly thought that he wasn't going to pick up. I mean, who could blame him.
"Gee?"
"Hey Mikes."
"Hey bro."
"Look ... I don't wanna fight. I just called to say that I'm sorry."
"Oh ... okay."
At first I thought he wasn't going to say anything. There was a long silence and I wasn't sure what was going to happen. I got to admit, for a moment I actually thought that he was going to hang up on me.
"A-anyway ... that's it I guess. See ya bro."
"See ya Gee."
And with that, we hung up.
Now I'm left even more messed up then before. It didn't go at all how I hoped it would and, what was worse, Mikey didn't sound like his usual excited self. He sounded terrible ... upset even.
That phone call didn't help at all! It's only made things worse!
I just want my brother back ... and my keys!
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AN: Dance magic dance! Hmmm, just in a Bowie mood. Aaaaanyway! This one was a little more serious then the others. I hope you still like it nonetheless because I do intend to put some heart and soul into this. There is a particularly sad chapter coming up soon and in advance, I'm sorry, but I will try and make it as little angsty as possible. Maybe Gee will listen to some more country music ... I mean, it is seriously the definition of Emo "you don't tell my heart, my acky breaky heart" - SEE!
As usual, I love to hear what you guys and gals think. Because you are the readers and I write only to impress you. It's true ... I know, I know ... but it is. Yes, I have no idea what I am talking about. Lollies on sticks for everyone!
More Ferard to come, but I have to destroy everything first, muhahahahaha. Another update tomorrow, maybe ... if you all are lucky. Na, it's really just if I can be bothered, he he and LOL-athon.
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