Categories > Celebrities > Panic! At The Disco > Laced With Nitroglycerin
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Chapter 18
The End (My Chemical Romance)
"Now come one, come all to this tragic affair."
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A week later was the funeral. We're back at the beginning again. I didn't want to be there, no matter how much I loved her and wanted to remember her. An hour before the funeral, I had locked myself in the bathroom and cried. This couldn't be it. This couldn't be the end. How would I be able to go on without my Kate by my side? All I could think of was how this was my fault. After about half an hour, the guys were breaking down the door trying to get me out. I didn't notice the time or the noise. I only noticed that she wasn't there.
On the way to the funeral, everyone was careful with me. They didn't really care about my injuries, which were healing nicely. They were afraid that I would lose it. No one came too close to me unless they needed to, and Spencer and Brendon always approached me slowly and carefully, making sure that I wasn't scared. They treated me like I was a wild animal that could attack at any moment. I tried not to notice it.
Everywhere I looked, I was painfully reminded of her. Our memories were everywhere, and her smiling face was blown up and put onto giant pieces of paper (or whatever they used). No matter where I looked, I couldn't avoid her stare. I couldn't avoid that smile that I loved so much. I could only think of everything that we had done together. The years didn't seem long enough. There was so much more that I wanted, so much more that she should have been able to do. No matter what anyone said, I always knew that we belonged together. I wanted to marry her. I wanted to grow old together and have kids and grandkids. I wanted to tell her that I loved her.
I sat down next to someone that I didn't even notice, trying to stop thinking about her. I tried to think of how uncomfortable I was in this suit, but all I could think of was what she would say to me. "You look so wonderful, Ryan," I could almost hear her say in her musical voice. I shook my head. I couldn't think of her. It would hurt too much.
The ceremony started, and I tried not to focus on what everyone else was saying. I tried to just focus on the drone of their voices, trying to blend them into one. But words like "achievement", "caring", "hard-working", and "loving" stuck out. Everytime I heard the word love, another dagger went through my heart. I tried not to think.
At one point, I thought I was delusional. I started to pinch my arm to make sure that I was awake, that I hadn't just dozed off. Yup, I could feel that. I was definitely awake. But I kept pinching my arm, trying to focus only on the pain in my arm. Someone noticed what I was doing and admonished me gently, separating my arms. I could tell that they'd just do the same thing if I started again, so I let it be. I didn't really care, anyways. That pain was so weak compared to the gaping hole where my heart used to be that hurt with each breath that I took. What would they do if I just stopped breathing? I decided not to try.
All I could think of was how this was all my fault. If I had only been able to tell her that I loved her... If only I hadn't jumped down from her roof... If only I had chosen somewhere else to park... If only...
"Hey. Come on. It's your turn," I heard a familiar voice say, nudging me towards the pulpit. I was brought back to the present. I couldn't change anything now. All I could do was talk about her, and try to convey to these strangers whose faces I couldn't see how much I loved her. I could feel all eyes on me, but I couldn't be bothered to care. She wasn't out there, and hers were the only eyes I wanted to see. I gulped and stumbled towards the front, trying to get my words together.
"She's my best friend and I love her so much," I started. Wait. "Well, I guess I should say that she was my best friend and I did love her. But that's not true. Even if she's not here, I still love her and she's still my best friend," I said slowly, thinking that it would hurt less if I just talked about her like she was still alive. "And I don't know what I'm going to do without her. I just...I can't think of life without her there. She was always the one to cheer me up or give me a hug, and she was always there for me. She supported all of us, and she loved each and every one of us. And now I'm talking about her in the past tense again. She is always there for me and she still supports and loves us all." I felt a drop on my hand, followed by more. I didn't want to cry in front of all of these people. They shouldn't see me like this. She wouldn't want anyone else to be hurt by her leaving. "I know this isn't making any sense to you, but it doesn't have to," I finished, turning slowly and making my way back to my seat. "Kate, I love you," I whispered to her casket, trying to hold back the flood of tears that threatened to spill.
I sat down again, finally recognizing that I was sitting next to Brendon. He patted my hand. "Ryan, it's OK. Just breathe deeply. We'll get out of here as soon as possible," he whispered to me. I didn't show him that I'd heard. I just couldn't get Kate out of my head. But noticing him, I knew that I had to be strong. They were twins, after all. So I took a deep breath and tried to get my emotions under control again.
"Yeah, sure," I muttered. I knew that this would be a long day. I didn't know how I was going to survive a life without Kate.
***
A/N: THE END. Thank you thank you thank you to EVERYONE who ever read. An even bigger thank you to anyone and everyone who reviewed, especially xXlifesapartyXx, just because you reviewed every chapter after you started reading. I know that I'm a douche for not updating in like three months (I FEEL SOOOOOO TERRIBLE FOR THAT, I'M SORRY). But thanks for reading, and hopefully you'll drop me a review telling me if you liked it or not. Or reminding me that I'm a horrible, horrible person for abandoning my writing for so long. Or telling me that I suck balls and should never touch another story again. :)
Chapter 18
The End (My Chemical Romance)
"Now come one, come all to this tragic affair."
***
A week later was the funeral. We're back at the beginning again. I didn't want to be there, no matter how much I loved her and wanted to remember her. An hour before the funeral, I had locked myself in the bathroom and cried. This couldn't be it. This couldn't be the end. How would I be able to go on without my Kate by my side? All I could think of was how this was my fault. After about half an hour, the guys were breaking down the door trying to get me out. I didn't notice the time or the noise. I only noticed that she wasn't there.
On the way to the funeral, everyone was careful with me. They didn't really care about my injuries, which were healing nicely. They were afraid that I would lose it. No one came too close to me unless they needed to, and Spencer and Brendon always approached me slowly and carefully, making sure that I wasn't scared. They treated me like I was a wild animal that could attack at any moment. I tried not to notice it.
Everywhere I looked, I was painfully reminded of her. Our memories were everywhere, and her smiling face was blown up and put onto giant pieces of paper (or whatever they used). No matter where I looked, I couldn't avoid her stare. I couldn't avoid that smile that I loved so much. I could only think of everything that we had done together. The years didn't seem long enough. There was so much more that I wanted, so much more that she should have been able to do. No matter what anyone said, I always knew that we belonged together. I wanted to marry her. I wanted to grow old together and have kids and grandkids. I wanted to tell her that I loved her.
I sat down next to someone that I didn't even notice, trying to stop thinking about her. I tried to think of how uncomfortable I was in this suit, but all I could think of was what she would say to me. "You look so wonderful, Ryan," I could almost hear her say in her musical voice. I shook my head. I couldn't think of her. It would hurt too much.
The ceremony started, and I tried not to focus on what everyone else was saying. I tried to just focus on the drone of their voices, trying to blend them into one. But words like "achievement", "caring", "hard-working", and "loving" stuck out. Everytime I heard the word love, another dagger went through my heart. I tried not to think.
At one point, I thought I was delusional. I started to pinch my arm to make sure that I was awake, that I hadn't just dozed off. Yup, I could feel that. I was definitely awake. But I kept pinching my arm, trying to focus only on the pain in my arm. Someone noticed what I was doing and admonished me gently, separating my arms. I could tell that they'd just do the same thing if I started again, so I let it be. I didn't really care, anyways. That pain was so weak compared to the gaping hole where my heart used to be that hurt with each breath that I took. What would they do if I just stopped breathing? I decided not to try.
All I could think of was how this was all my fault. If I had only been able to tell her that I loved her... If only I hadn't jumped down from her roof... If only I had chosen somewhere else to park... If only...
"Hey. Come on. It's your turn," I heard a familiar voice say, nudging me towards the pulpit. I was brought back to the present. I couldn't change anything now. All I could do was talk about her, and try to convey to these strangers whose faces I couldn't see how much I loved her. I could feel all eyes on me, but I couldn't be bothered to care. She wasn't out there, and hers were the only eyes I wanted to see. I gulped and stumbled towards the front, trying to get my words together.
"She's my best friend and I love her so much," I started. Wait. "Well, I guess I should say that she was my best friend and I did love her. But that's not true. Even if she's not here, I still love her and she's still my best friend," I said slowly, thinking that it would hurt less if I just talked about her like she was still alive. "And I don't know what I'm going to do without her. I just...I can't think of life without her there. She was always the one to cheer me up or give me a hug, and she was always there for me. She supported all of us, and she loved each and every one of us. And now I'm talking about her in the past tense again. She is always there for me and she still supports and loves us all." I felt a drop on my hand, followed by more. I didn't want to cry in front of all of these people. They shouldn't see me like this. She wouldn't want anyone else to be hurt by her leaving. "I know this isn't making any sense to you, but it doesn't have to," I finished, turning slowly and making my way back to my seat. "Kate, I love you," I whispered to her casket, trying to hold back the flood of tears that threatened to spill.
I sat down again, finally recognizing that I was sitting next to Brendon. He patted my hand. "Ryan, it's OK. Just breathe deeply. We'll get out of here as soon as possible," he whispered to me. I didn't show him that I'd heard. I just couldn't get Kate out of my head. But noticing him, I knew that I had to be strong. They were twins, after all. So I took a deep breath and tried to get my emotions under control again.
"Yeah, sure," I muttered. I knew that this would be a long day. I didn't know how I was going to survive a life without Kate.
***
A/N: THE END. Thank you thank you thank you to EVERYONE who ever read. An even bigger thank you to anyone and everyone who reviewed, especially xXlifesapartyXx, just because you reviewed every chapter after you started reading. I know that I'm a douche for not updating in like three months (I FEEL SOOOOOO TERRIBLE FOR THAT, I'M SORRY). But thanks for reading, and hopefully you'll drop me a review telling me if you liked it or not. Or reminding me that I'm a horrible, horrible person for abandoning my writing for so long. Or telling me that I suck balls and should never touch another story again. :)
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