Categories > Books > Harry Potter > The General Said I Would Have Days Like This
The Facts of Life by the Marauder and Tic
0 reviewsStargate SG-1/Harry Potter Sometime in life you have to do the one thing you absolutely dread to get the one thing you absolutely need or want, so you can do the one thing you have to do. And somet...
5Funny
Title: The Facts of Life by the Marauder and Tic
By Lady FoxFire
Pairing: Jack/Harry
Rating: M
Warning: Slash
Category: Crossover
Summary: Stargate SG-1/Harry Potter Sometime in life you have to do the one thing you absolutely dread to get the one thing you absolutely need or want, so you can do the one thing you have to do. And sometime people get sucked in to it. Post Hogwarts, Slash
Disclaimer: You would think that disclaimers are the easiest part of writing a fic. Just state that you don't own the universe you're playing with and that you don't make any money from it and poof you're done. Well that true unless you're one of the few insane writers who enjoy make their disclaimers into little quips or stories. *cough Bobmin cough* And then develop disclaimer blocks which is like writer's block with a side order of headache and you get a mess just like what you just read.
Bad Author Notes: What can I say… sorry about how long it took for me to get this chapter out but real life sucks sometimes. My Muse wanted to play in another universe for a bit. It's summer time with a almost 12 yr. old boy and I have to work all day with only 5 vacation days for this year. Pick one or make something up…. Like Jack not wanting to get out of bed.
Jack's eyes opened to barely noticeable slit as he took in the world that he awoke to. Keeping his breathing slow and steady, Jack rolled over only to end up to next to a mass of black hair and firm body.
The tension of waking in a strange place fled as the realization of where he was and who was next to him finally dawned upon Jack.
Propping himself up on his elbow Jack looked down at his bedmate with a look of fondness and confusion. A small smile graced his lips as a soft snore escaped the lips of his bondmate.
With a sigh, Jack slipped quietly out of bed without disturbing the young man. Yawning Jack stretched his arms over his head, working the kinks out of his body. Then as he scratched his head, Jack plodded into the bathroom, stopping before the porcelain throne to deal with his morning business.
Finishing that business with a sigh of relief, Jack ran his tongue over his teeth and grimaced at what he found. Reaching for the mirror in the hopes that it was a medicine cabinet, Jack froze his arm still outstretched.
“Harry,” he called out as he stared at his reflection in the mirror. Receiving no reply Jack called out even louder, “Harry.”
This time Jack’s bellow was meet with a THUMP and a curse.
“What do you want Jack,” Harry mumbled as he stumbled across the room rubbing the sleep from his eyes. “I was sleep… ing.” Harry stopped and stared when he got his first good look at Colonel O’Neill this morning. “Jack?”
“Harry," Jack said slowly drawing out the word, "do you know why I suddenly look like I’m in my mid-twenties now?” Jack turned towards Harry, his eyes widen for his second surprise of the day. “And why do you suddenly look taller and…. not so scrawny?”
“I don’t know why…." Harry trailed off as what Jack said finally sunk in past his shock. "What did you say?”
“Which one?" Jack snarled as he glared at the younger man. "Why do I look younger or why are you taller?”
Harry blinked a couple of times. “That’s what I thought you said,” he pushed Jack aside so he could look at himself in the mirror. “This is weird,” Harry commented, but he didn’t sound at all surprised by it as if odd things happening to him were an everyday occurrence.
“Ya think,” Jack snapped.
“Hey there is no need to snap at me,” Harry snarled. “I’m just as confused as you are.”
Jack exhaled through his nose. “So who would know?” he demanded through clenched teeth.
Harry shot Jack an apologetic look as he understand that this was one surprise too many for the older, now much younger man. “Remus. If anyone would know he probably would.”
Jack blinked in surprise. “Werewolf boy?”
Now it was Harry turn to glare at Jack. “Don’t call him that," Harry snarled as he defended unfortunate man. "It’s not his fault he has lycanthropy.”
Jack looked at Harry for a moment before nodding his head. “Ok show where would he be?”
Harry looked over at the clock on the fireplace mantle. “Breakfast,” he replied walking over wardrobe and started to pull out clothes. Tossing some of the clothes over to Jack, Harry said, “Get dressed,” as he started to pull on his clothes.
“Are you always this bossy in the morning?” Jack grumbled as he started to get dressed.
Harry shot a looked at Jack before pulling a shirt over his head.
“I mean are you always this grumpy in the morning or is this special?” Jack commented with a smirk
“Bite me,” Harry growled.
“I’m pretty sure I did.”
~*~
In the atrium overlooking the countryside the members of SGC minus Colonel O'Neill were enjoying breakfast as they were entertained with tales of the magical community from Remus and Sirius with an occasional odd comment thrown in from Luna Lovegood.
"So you're saying King Tutankhamun's tomb really was cursed?" The disbelief evident in Daniel’s voice even with all the magic he'd seen since O'Neill's kidnapping.
"Yeap," Remus replied before taking a bite of scrambled eggs. "Of course the wizard who placed the curses wasn’t very good since they didn't kill anyone in any spectacular fashion like the spells on tomb of the Scorpion King. From what Bill tell me those were some of the most brilliant curses he had ever seen."
"The Scorpion King? He was real?" Daniel asked with wide eyes. "I mean the only evidence we have of his existence is a pictorial on the Scorpion Macehead in a temple at Nekhen."
" He was real," Remus said with a nod of his head. "Bill was working in his tomb not too long ago."
"Is that when they were attacked by the snake thingies," Sirius chimed in as he reached across the table to snatch the breakfast rolls.
Remus nodded his head.
"Snake thingies?" Major Ferretti glanced at the other member of SGC.
"The Scorpion King was said to be a very powerful wizard who's love was stolen by one of the life stealing water snakes which we think was some type of demon," Remus explained. "So to avenge his love he set out to drive the water snakes back into the standing water and then seal the well forever. We think the snake thingies were prisoners of war he had entombed with him when he died."
"They're not very nice," Luna stated in a sing song tone. "But you know that already. You and Scorpion King are very much alike, Daniel."
The member of SGC looked at each other uncomfortably as Remus and Sirius dismissed Luna's comment with a shrug of their shoulders.
"If you're interested I'm sure we can arrange for you to view the tomb before it can be /discovered/," Remus suggested.
Daniel blinked at Remus in confusion. "What do you mean?"
"Well after the screw up with King Tutankhamun's tomb the Magical Egyptian government and the Muggle government came to an agreement that curse breakers and magical Egyptologists would enter the tomb first and remove any dangerous items before allowing the tomb to be discovered."
"What do you mean they remove items from the tomb?" Daniel growled in a very threatening manner.
Sirius and Remus both look at Daniel in surprise while everyone else including Luna watched with amusement.
"Reminds me of Lily," Sirius commented.
Remus cocked his head to the side. "You mean the time you pretend to spill ink across the original manuscripts of the Book of Taliesin?"
Daniel made a strange choking sound, as his eyes grew so wide you would’ve expected them to fall out.
"He sounds a bit like a motor boat," Remus commented as he stared at Daniel with amusement.
"Harry did a better imitation when he was one," Sirius replied.
"He sounds more like a Flumph trying to mate with a warthog," Luna added in.
"What is a Flumph?" Teal'c dared to ask as he watched the strange female warily.
Sirius shook his head. "It's best not to ask."
"They're air-breathing jellyfish with eye stocks," Luna explained. "They're very intelligent."
"Told you so," Sirius mumbled to himself.
Major Ferretti looked over at Luna, his eyes slightly narrowed. "You won't happen to have a copy of The Fiend Folio Tome would you?"
Luna raised her teacup to her lips, "Maybe," she replied before take a sip.
Lou shook his head while chuckling to himself.
"What’s the The Fiend Folio Tome?" Daniel asked.
Ferretti look over at Dr Jackson and replied, "Oh no. I'm not go…"
“Remus! I hope you have a good explanation!”
Those sitting at the table were instantly silenced as the name echoed through the room. Almost as one all the eyes were drawn to the entranceway of the dining room.
“What did you do Moony?” Sirius said softly as he stared at the entranceway, waiting for his godson to arrive.
“Me! What did you do?” Remus demanded as he tore his eyes away from the door and fixed them on his long time friend.
“Remus,” a young man who appeared to look like Harry would have if he hadn't lived with the Dursley's growled from the doorway with a slightly older man next to him “You have some explaining to do. I… we want to know exactly what that spell did to us.”
“Colonel?” Carter gasped as she stared at the man, who appeared to be in his mid 20's, standing next to Harry.
“Carter,” Colonel O’Neill replied with a nod of his head before turning his own formidable glare on Remus.
Daniel looked over his 'new and improved' friend concerned. “Are you alright Jack,” Daniel asked.
“You mean aside from be kidnapped, bonded, suffering through seizures when not with my new partner then completing the bond and waking up the next day younger than I was when I fell asleep then yes I'm fine. How are you?” Jack replied
"You don't have to be an ass, Jack," Harry commented.
Jack cross his arms over his chest and snorted.
“Umm… I'm not sure what you want me to explain, Harry?” Remus asks as he squirmed slightly in his chair.
“Oh I don’t know,” Harry said as his eyes narrowed. “Maybe why Jack and me suddenly look so different.”
“Well…it’s probably due to the bond,” Remus replied looking everywhere but at the two upset men before him.
“We kind of figure that out. Thanks,” Jack snarled. “What we want to know is what exactly has happened to us and why.”
“Well,” Remus said a he picked up his fork and started on his breakfast once again, “it’s the summer winter solution.” With that said Remus shoved a fork full of food into his mouth and quietly chewed.
“And what is that?” Harry demanded as both men sat down at an empty spot at the table and started to fill their plates.
Remus wiped his mouth on his napkin, taking on an air the member of SGC were familiar with when Daniel was about to lecture to them about some ancient thing or writing. “Tell me Colonel, you’re in you late 40’s early 50’s. Correct?
“Something like that,” O’Neill replied as he glared at Remus.
“And now you appear to be in you early to mid 20’s. And you Harry,” Remus said as he turned his attention to his unofficial godson. “Before the bond you were a thin somewhat health young man and now you look like what you probably would have looked like if you were raised by either your parents or Sirius and I.”
“So the bond de-aged Jack and made the kid healthier?” Lou said as he looked over the Colonel with a hint of jealousy in his eyes.
“You still haven’t explained anything,” Jack commented.
Remus nodded his head. “Harry how old is Dumbledore?”
Harry shrugged his shoulders. “I don’t know. 140? 150?”
The eyes of the Americans widened in surprise at Harry’s answer.
“And Ollivander?” Remus asked.
“Old,” Harry replied emphasizing the word. “I don’t think anyone knows how old he is. I mean he probably was the one who sold Dumbledore his wand.”
“So easily 200 years old or more,” Remus stated.
“Your people live that long?” Daniel said in awe as his eyes danced with curiosity.
“Before the wars it wasn’t uncommon to see witches and wizards over 200, nearly 300 years of age,” Sirius supplied. “I know in other countries that’s still a fact.”
Jack glanced over towards Carter and Daniel, both of who were practically vibrating with excitement over the idea of being able to talk to someone on earth who was 200 years old or more. Jack raised a single finger up in their direction, “Ahh ahhh,” The sound seemed to immediately calm them down.
Catching an impressed look from Harry, Jack turned his attention back to Remus. “So what does this have to do with me being de-aged?”
“And what if you had been a 200 year old witch or wizard or Harry had been?” Remus replied with a smirk.
The newly bonded couple looks at each other.
“Ewww! Not at breakfast, Moony,” Sirius said as he looked at fork full of food in disgust.
“Like that will put you off your food,” Remus commented.
“True,” Sirius replied before shoving the food into his mouth.
Harry shook his head at his godfather’s actions. “So the bond made it so that we’re closer to the same age but why did it changed me?”
“Why do you think it did?” Remus asked.
Harry sighed wearily. “Fine. So how do we hide these changes? If I show up wear glamour someone will start asking questions and I can’t imagine the problems Jack’s going to have.”
“You could blame Snape,” Sirius suggested. “Just claim that he’s been working on a potion for you. You could also use it as an excuse for why you haven’t been seen for the past few days.”
“That solution won’t work for me,” Jack commented. “And it won’t explain my condition from when I was kidnapped.”
“Well a glamour could be use to make you appear as you were,” Harry suggested as he played with food. “But I don’t know how to explain away everything else. Do you have any ideas?”
A small knowing smile appeared on Jack’s face. “A few,” he replied.
“So what do you do there?” Sirius asked.
“Sorry. It’s classified,” Jack replied smugly.
“They travel through a gateway to other planets and meet with beings not of Earth,” Luna stated as she buttered a slice of toast. “They also battle aliens like the water snakes Bill found in Egypt.”
“Aliens?” Sirius said in disbelief not noticing how the Americans had frozen at Luna’s words.
Luna nodded her head. “They enter the body through either the mouth or back of the neck and then take control of the person; making them do whatever it wants,” she explained. “They’re not very nice.”
“Evil water snakes from space?” Remus asked.
Luna once again nodded her head as she chewed her food. “There are good aliens too, like Teal’c. He’s a good alien even though he has a baby water snake in his belly.”
Harry, Remus and Sirius turned and look at Teal’c who simply raised an eyebrow in return.
“Jack,” Harry said in a tone that says he wants answers as he turned towards his bondmate.
“Harry,” Jack replied in a voice that seem to say ‘don’t ask.’
“Colonel O’Neill,” Luna called out breaking the staring contest the two stubborn men seem to be having.
“Yes?”
“I’m curious, do you see Loki, Thor or any of the Asgaurd in your travels?” Luna asked. “You see a number of them especially Loki still owe on their bar tabs.”
“Bar tab?” Carter said.
“My great great great great great great great great great great great great grandfather Egbert Lovegood ran a pub and the Asgard would often visit there for a pint or more of butter beer. Many of them had a running tab.”
“The Asgaurd owe you money,” Daniel said in disbelief. “How much?”
“I’m not really sure. I’m not really very good with numbers, interests and inflation, so I have the goblins keep track of it,” Luna replied. “I’m sure we can ask them when they come visit Harry today.”
“So do goblins visit you often?” Jack asked
Harry shrugged his shoulders. “We’re allied with them. War is bad for business and so is stagnation which is what is happening to the magical world since it’s under Dumbledore’s control.”
“What type of business do goblins run?” Ferretti asked. “I mean are we talking about goblins like the ones in Tolkien's work? You know a little shorter than a human, smart but really nasty fighter who doesn’t have a problem eating you or each other?”
"I think you mean Orcs, Major?" Daniel said. "Goblins are typically pictured as crabby dwarf size beings who cause mischief. Some stories have them related to the Celtic brownies."
"Yeah but this is Tolkien. In his work goblins with a little g is just another name for Orcs," Lou countered. "His goblins were fierce fighters you wouldn't want to go up against."
Major Ferretti turned to Harry. "So what are your Goblins like?"
"Well they're not related to brownies," Harry stated in a matter of fact tone of voice. "I think if you would say that to one of them… well I would hope you have your will made out. Goblins are highly intelligent beings who belong to a warrior-centered culture, so they have no problem defending themselves or their honor. I'm pretty sure they don't eat each other or humans."
"Well that’s good to know," Jack commented as he stabbed his eggs with his fork. "But what do they do?"
"Metalsmith. Banker. Body guards," Remus supplied. "Their magic is different from wizard magic so they often team up with wizards to create nearly impenetrable wards. As you can image they're not cheap."
"Oh so they're a little evil," Lou commented.
As all eyes turned to him questioningly, Ferretti shrugged his shoulders. "They're bankers. I have yet to meant a banker that wasn't slightly evil in some way."
Lou's comment was met by silence until Sirius finally spoke. "He does have a point. They would probably consider it a compliment."
“Harry?” Luna said in a sing song voice as everyone was chuckling about Sirius's comment
“Yes Tic?” Harry said using the nickname for Luna.
“I’m curious. What are you and Jack hoping for; a little wizard or a little witch?” Luna asked sweetly.
Luna's comment was more efficient than the sound of a key in a lock for two horny teens or for a cheating spouse when the other shouts 'Honey I'm home!"
Harry stared at Luna in confusion, “Huh?” while Sirius and Remus looked at both Jack and him with a mixture of hope, confusion and dread.
“Please. Please tell me use you used a contraceptive spell,” Sirius moaned. “I’m too young to be a grand-godfather.”
“What are you three talking about,” Harry demanded as he looked back and forth between Remus, Sirius and Luna. “Jack and I are men and men can’t have babies.” Harry looked at his family in confusion as they stared back at him with wide eyes at his last comment. “Can they?”
Jack pushed his plate away from him and banged his head against the table. "Somewhere there is someone laughing their ass off about this and when I find them I'm going to zat them in their ass. Three times."
"Oh come on, Jack," Lou said as he patted the Colonel, "just imagine the General's reaction when you tell him 'I'm sorry 'Wrap it or forget It' was not an opinion. Or better yet Kinsey's face."
Sirius barely acknowledged the mumbling from Colonel or Major Ferretti's smart-ass comment. “Harry you did have sex ed. during your second year at Hogwarts, didn’t you?” he demanded.
“That was the year I had to kill a 50 foot long Basilisk. Nearly Headless Nick, Mrs. Norris and a handful of students being turned to stone and everyone was calling me Slytherin’s heir and blaming me for everything going on. So no I didn't have sex ed., Sirius,” Harry growled.
Jack turned his head so that he could look up at Harry while he rested his head on the table. “Turned to stone?” he asked.
Harry nodded his head. “Yeah but we were able to turn them all back in the end.”
“Sex ed. wasn’t reinstated into Hogwarts until my 7th year,” Luna supplied. “It was decided just before Harry began Hogwarts that the parents or guardian should be the one to explain everything, not to have the professors do it.”
Sirius stared at Harry with a blank look on his face. "I have to explain the facts of life to my godson," he babbled to himself while Remus patted him gently on the back.
“Sounds more like a set up to me,” Lou commented.
“Sound pretty much like the rest of my life,” Harry commented in disgust.
“That’s not possible,” Carter mumbled to herself but it was loud enough for everyone else to hear.
Hearing Carter's words of denial, Sirius snapped out of self-induced nightmare concerning /The Talk/. “What's not possible? You mean a snake turning people into stone?”
“No… I mean yes that’s not possible but I was talking about male pregnancy. It's impossible for a man to become pregnant. Men lack… the right equipment to be able to carry a child let along give birth to one," Carter stated with conviction.
"My grandfather Samuel said it was a real pain in the ass to give birth to my father," Luna supplied with a smile.
Almost as one a shudder ran through the men of SGC and Harry as the picture of how Luna's father was delivered ran through their minds.
"I don't see how that is possible," Carter snapped in frustration. "How could a man become pregnant?”
“You see sometimes when two people meet they fall in love. When that happens they’ll go off to someplace private and spent time….”
“Tic,” Harry said with a wearily sigh. “Not at the breakfast table.”
“But Harry Major Carter asked me about where babies came from,” Luna replied.
“Yes I know Tic,” Harry sighed. “Just not at the table, please.”
“At least she didn’t offer to give a demo this time,” Sirius mumbled to himself.
Luna clapped her hands together with glee. “Oh what a wonderful idea, Sirius,” she squealed. “It's been ages since Neville and me had a threesome, not since the last time we made love in his greenhouse and
Shokushu bouji shokubutsu joined in.”
“What's what she said?” Jack asked as he noticed Harry pushed his plate away and started to bang his head against the table.
"It's Japanese," Daniel explained. "shokubutsu means plant and I think bouji means one's dead child."
"Shokushu bouji shokubutsu means tentacle sex plant," Lou said as he stared at Luna who was wearing a smile similar to one might find on a cat that just ate the family's pet bird.
Everyone looks at Lou in amazement; Lou just shrugged his shoulder in return. "I like anime."
Jack looked at Lou for a moment then at Luna who smiled in return. "Right," Jack said to the room as if to dismiss the subject before turning back to Sirius and Remus. "You were explain Harry's lack of sex education and how either Harry or I could be pregnant."
"That’s way too much information for me about my godson's bedroom activities," Sirius stated with slightly widened eyes.
"Well it would have been nice if you had warned us about what the bond would demand from us," Harry snapped.
"None of that matters right now," Jack directed this comment to Harry. "What matters is finding out if one of us is... is pregnant." The last two words left O'Neill's mouth with a sense of dread behind them.
"That’s fairly easy," Sirius said as his wand appeared in his hand. "I still remember the spell for it. James was always too nervous to do us it on Lily when they were trying to have Harry."
"So the spell works on women too?" Daniel asked.
"Men, women, farm animals," Sirius said with a chuckle before Remus smacked him across the back of the head.
"Your sense of humor isn't helping," Remus chastised as he struggled to keep his smile from appearing.
"How could this spell determine if Harry or the Colonel is pregnant so soon," Carter asked. "It takes a few days for hormones to build up in the body before standard pregnancies test work."
"We're not testing for hormones but for a magical presence," Remus explained. "Every birth in the wizard world has a magical presence even squibs who have almost no magic at all."
"But Jack isn't a wizard." Daniel pointed out. "So can the spell still work on him?"
Remus shrugged his shoulders. "In all likelihood Jack is a squib, perhaps even a Muggle born wizard whose parent won't allow him to go to Salem."
"I'm a wizard?" Jack asked.
"More likely a squib," Remus stated with an almost apologetic look. "It's possible that you're from a line of squibs. But that is something we can research later."
"And a squid is," Jack wanted to know, "beside being the main ingredient in calamari?"
Harry chucked. "Squib not squid. A squib is a non-magical or extremely low level magical child born to magical parents."
"My parents weren't magical," Jack commented. "Just normal everyday people."
"They could be from a line of squibs," Sirius suggested. "If you are from a line of squibs I wouldn't be surprise to find out that your line originally was apprenticed out to someone who knew of the magic world or was a squib themselves. I know before Christianity took over, squibs were often placed with the Druids, who would find a place for the children."
"Just think Jack if you hadn't joined the Air Force you could've end up having dancing naked outside several times a year and worshipping trees," Lou said teasingly.
"It would explain your interest in the stars and planets too," Daniel said adding his own friendly ribbing. "It might be a good idea to visit Stonehenge and see if you can release you're inner Druid, Jack."
Turning to Harry, Jack said, "Remind me to get a staff I need to it to whack some people across the head with it."
"Actual that won't be a bad idea," Remus suggested. "You might want to see if Jack can use magic, Harry."
Jack turned at glared at Remus. "But you just said I was a squib and I didn't have magic."
"No he said you might be a squib," Sirius chimed in, "but you could also be a wizard who just didn't go to school."
"Jack wielding magic, now that’s a scary thought," Lou eyed his friend cautiously.
"I don't want to think how many cases of Tums Walter would have to order if that was true," Carter commented.
"692," Luna said with a knowing smile. "Of course that's after he's told about the baby."
Jack closed his eyes and exhaled through his nose slowly. Opening his eyes once again he fixed them on Sirius. "Now this spell you mentioned?"
"Oh yeah… umm Harry stand up and move over there," Sirius said as he waved in a direction away from the breakfast table
"Why me?" Harry sputtered. "I mean should Jack go first?"
"And who was the one who didn't use a contraceptive spell?" Sirius replied as he pointed once again at the spot it indicated earlier.
"It's not my fault they didn't teach sex education," Harry grumbled as he pushed himself away from the table and stumped over to the spot Sirius wanted him at. "So now what?"
"Vita ostendo sum, " Sirius said as he flicked his wand.
A soft white glow encompassed Harry's before fading away to nothing.
"Congratulation Harry," Sirius said with a smile as all the blood ran out of Harry's face at his godfather's words. "You're not pregnant."
If a glare could kill Sirius would be a dead man many times over from the looks he was receiving from Jack, Harry and even Remus.
"That wasn't funny Sirius," Harry growled.
"I thought it was," Sirius replied with his most charming of smile.
"If Harry was pregnant what would the spell have done?" Carter asked.
"You're next Jack," Sirius told the Colonel before answering Carter's question. "A blue glow would appear."
Pointing his wand at Jack, Sirius once again said, "Vita ostendo sum."
A soft glow encompassed Jack, the color of which was….
~*~
Post Author Notes: The translation of Vita ostendo sum is Life revealed or at least I hope it is. I used an on-line translation so hopefully it's pretty close to being proper Latin.
Book of Taliesin - a collection of some of the oldest poems in Welsh, many of them attributed to the poet Taliesin (from Wikipedia)
The Fiend Folio Tome - one of the books that can be used in fantasy role-playing game Dungeons & Dragons
By Lady FoxFire
Pairing: Jack/Harry
Rating: M
Warning: Slash
Category: Crossover
Summary: Stargate SG-1/Harry Potter Sometime in life you have to do the one thing you absolutely dread to get the one thing you absolutely need or want, so you can do the one thing you have to do. And sometime people get sucked in to it. Post Hogwarts, Slash
Disclaimer: You would think that disclaimers are the easiest part of writing a fic. Just state that you don't own the universe you're playing with and that you don't make any money from it and poof you're done. Well that true unless you're one of the few insane writers who enjoy make their disclaimers into little quips or stories. *cough Bobmin cough* And then develop disclaimer blocks which is like writer's block with a side order of headache and you get a mess just like what you just read.
Bad Author Notes: What can I say… sorry about how long it took for me to get this chapter out but real life sucks sometimes. My Muse wanted to play in another universe for a bit. It's summer time with a almost 12 yr. old boy and I have to work all day with only 5 vacation days for this year. Pick one or make something up…. Like Jack not wanting to get out of bed.
Jack's eyes opened to barely noticeable slit as he took in the world that he awoke to. Keeping his breathing slow and steady, Jack rolled over only to end up to next to a mass of black hair and firm body.
The tension of waking in a strange place fled as the realization of where he was and who was next to him finally dawned upon Jack.
Propping himself up on his elbow Jack looked down at his bedmate with a look of fondness and confusion. A small smile graced his lips as a soft snore escaped the lips of his bondmate.
With a sigh, Jack slipped quietly out of bed without disturbing the young man. Yawning Jack stretched his arms over his head, working the kinks out of his body. Then as he scratched his head, Jack plodded into the bathroom, stopping before the porcelain throne to deal with his morning business.
Finishing that business with a sigh of relief, Jack ran his tongue over his teeth and grimaced at what he found. Reaching for the mirror in the hopes that it was a medicine cabinet, Jack froze his arm still outstretched.
“Harry,” he called out as he stared at his reflection in the mirror. Receiving no reply Jack called out even louder, “Harry.”
This time Jack’s bellow was meet with a THUMP and a curse.
“What do you want Jack,” Harry mumbled as he stumbled across the room rubbing the sleep from his eyes. “I was sleep… ing.” Harry stopped and stared when he got his first good look at Colonel O’Neill this morning. “Jack?”
“Harry," Jack said slowly drawing out the word, "do you know why I suddenly look like I’m in my mid-twenties now?” Jack turned towards Harry, his eyes widen for his second surprise of the day. “And why do you suddenly look taller and…. not so scrawny?”
“I don’t know why…." Harry trailed off as what Jack said finally sunk in past his shock. "What did you say?”
“Which one?" Jack snarled as he glared at the younger man. "Why do I look younger or why are you taller?”
Harry blinked a couple of times. “That’s what I thought you said,” he pushed Jack aside so he could look at himself in the mirror. “This is weird,” Harry commented, but he didn’t sound at all surprised by it as if odd things happening to him were an everyday occurrence.
“Ya think,” Jack snapped.
“Hey there is no need to snap at me,” Harry snarled. “I’m just as confused as you are.”
Jack exhaled through his nose. “So who would know?” he demanded through clenched teeth.
Harry shot Jack an apologetic look as he understand that this was one surprise too many for the older, now much younger man. “Remus. If anyone would know he probably would.”
Jack blinked in surprise. “Werewolf boy?”
Now it was Harry turn to glare at Jack. “Don’t call him that," Harry snarled as he defended unfortunate man. "It’s not his fault he has lycanthropy.”
Jack looked at Harry for a moment before nodding his head. “Ok show where would he be?”
Harry looked over at the clock on the fireplace mantle. “Breakfast,” he replied walking over wardrobe and started to pull out clothes. Tossing some of the clothes over to Jack, Harry said, “Get dressed,” as he started to pull on his clothes.
“Are you always this bossy in the morning?” Jack grumbled as he started to get dressed.
Harry shot a looked at Jack before pulling a shirt over his head.
“I mean are you always this grumpy in the morning or is this special?” Jack commented with a smirk
“Bite me,” Harry growled.
“I’m pretty sure I did.”
~*~
In the atrium overlooking the countryside the members of SGC minus Colonel O'Neill were enjoying breakfast as they were entertained with tales of the magical community from Remus and Sirius with an occasional odd comment thrown in from Luna Lovegood.
"So you're saying King Tutankhamun's tomb really was cursed?" The disbelief evident in Daniel’s voice even with all the magic he'd seen since O'Neill's kidnapping.
"Yeap," Remus replied before taking a bite of scrambled eggs. "Of course the wizard who placed the curses wasn’t very good since they didn't kill anyone in any spectacular fashion like the spells on tomb of the Scorpion King. From what Bill tell me those were some of the most brilliant curses he had ever seen."
"The Scorpion King? He was real?" Daniel asked with wide eyes. "I mean the only evidence we have of his existence is a pictorial on the Scorpion Macehead in a temple at Nekhen."
" He was real," Remus said with a nod of his head. "Bill was working in his tomb not too long ago."
"Is that when they were attacked by the snake thingies," Sirius chimed in as he reached across the table to snatch the breakfast rolls.
Remus nodded his head.
"Snake thingies?" Major Ferretti glanced at the other member of SGC.
"The Scorpion King was said to be a very powerful wizard who's love was stolen by one of the life stealing water snakes which we think was some type of demon," Remus explained. "So to avenge his love he set out to drive the water snakes back into the standing water and then seal the well forever. We think the snake thingies were prisoners of war he had entombed with him when he died."
"They're not very nice," Luna stated in a sing song tone. "But you know that already. You and Scorpion King are very much alike, Daniel."
The member of SGC looked at each other uncomfortably as Remus and Sirius dismissed Luna's comment with a shrug of their shoulders.
"If you're interested I'm sure we can arrange for you to view the tomb before it can be /discovered/," Remus suggested.
Daniel blinked at Remus in confusion. "What do you mean?"
"Well after the screw up with King Tutankhamun's tomb the Magical Egyptian government and the Muggle government came to an agreement that curse breakers and magical Egyptologists would enter the tomb first and remove any dangerous items before allowing the tomb to be discovered."
"What do you mean they remove items from the tomb?" Daniel growled in a very threatening manner.
Sirius and Remus both look at Daniel in surprise while everyone else including Luna watched with amusement.
"Reminds me of Lily," Sirius commented.
Remus cocked his head to the side. "You mean the time you pretend to spill ink across the original manuscripts of the Book of Taliesin?"
Daniel made a strange choking sound, as his eyes grew so wide you would’ve expected them to fall out.
"He sounds a bit like a motor boat," Remus commented as he stared at Daniel with amusement.
"Harry did a better imitation when he was one," Sirius replied.
"He sounds more like a Flumph trying to mate with a warthog," Luna added in.
"What is a Flumph?" Teal'c dared to ask as he watched the strange female warily.
Sirius shook his head. "It's best not to ask."
"They're air-breathing jellyfish with eye stocks," Luna explained. "They're very intelligent."
"Told you so," Sirius mumbled to himself.
Major Ferretti looked over at Luna, his eyes slightly narrowed. "You won't happen to have a copy of The Fiend Folio Tome would you?"
Luna raised her teacup to her lips, "Maybe," she replied before take a sip.
Lou shook his head while chuckling to himself.
"What’s the The Fiend Folio Tome?" Daniel asked.
Ferretti look over at Dr Jackson and replied, "Oh no. I'm not go…"
“Remus! I hope you have a good explanation!”
Those sitting at the table were instantly silenced as the name echoed through the room. Almost as one all the eyes were drawn to the entranceway of the dining room.
“What did you do Moony?” Sirius said softly as he stared at the entranceway, waiting for his godson to arrive.
“Me! What did you do?” Remus demanded as he tore his eyes away from the door and fixed them on his long time friend.
“Remus,” a young man who appeared to look like Harry would have if he hadn't lived with the Dursley's growled from the doorway with a slightly older man next to him “You have some explaining to do. I… we want to know exactly what that spell did to us.”
“Colonel?” Carter gasped as she stared at the man, who appeared to be in his mid 20's, standing next to Harry.
“Carter,” Colonel O’Neill replied with a nod of his head before turning his own formidable glare on Remus.
Daniel looked over his 'new and improved' friend concerned. “Are you alright Jack,” Daniel asked.
“You mean aside from be kidnapped, bonded, suffering through seizures when not with my new partner then completing the bond and waking up the next day younger than I was when I fell asleep then yes I'm fine. How are you?” Jack replied
"You don't have to be an ass, Jack," Harry commented.
Jack cross his arms over his chest and snorted.
“Umm… I'm not sure what you want me to explain, Harry?” Remus asks as he squirmed slightly in his chair.
“Oh I don’t know,” Harry said as his eyes narrowed. “Maybe why Jack and me suddenly look so different.”
“Well…it’s probably due to the bond,” Remus replied looking everywhere but at the two upset men before him.
“We kind of figure that out. Thanks,” Jack snarled. “What we want to know is what exactly has happened to us and why.”
“Well,” Remus said a he picked up his fork and started on his breakfast once again, “it’s the summer winter solution.” With that said Remus shoved a fork full of food into his mouth and quietly chewed.
“And what is that?” Harry demanded as both men sat down at an empty spot at the table and started to fill their plates.
Remus wiped his mouth on his napkin, taking on an air the member of SGC were familiar with when Daniel was about to lecture to them about some ancient thing or writing. “Tell me Colonel, you’re in you late 40’s early 50’s. Correct?
“Something like that,” O’Neill replied as he glared at Remus.
“And now you appear to be in you early to mid 20’s. And you Harry,” Remus said as he turned his attention to his unofficial godson. “Before the bond you were a thin somewhat health young man and now you look like what you probably would have looked like if you were raised by either your parents or Sirius and I.”
“So the bond de-aged Jack and made the kid healthier?” Lou said as he looked over the Colonel with a hint of jealousy in his eyes.
“You still haven’t explained anything,” Jack commented.
Remus nodded his head. “Harry how old is Dumbledore?”
Harry shrugged his shoulders. “I don’t know. 140? 150?”
The eyes of the Americans widened in surprise at Harry’s answer.
“And Ollivander?” Remus asked.
“Old,” Harry replied emphasizing the word. “I don’t think anyone knows how old he is. I mean he probably was the one who sold Dumbledore his wand.”
“So easily 200 years old or more,” Remus stated.
“Your people live that long?” Daniel said in awe as his eyes danced with curiosity.
“Before the wars it wasn’t uncommon to see witches and wizards over 200, nearly 300 years of age,” Sirius supplied. “I know in other countries that’s still a fact.”
Jack glanced over towards Carter and Daniel, both of who were practically vibrating with excitement over the idea of being able to talk to someone on earth who was 200 years old or more. Jack raised a single finger up in their direction, “Ahh ahhh,” The sound seemed to immediately calm them down.
Catching an impressed look from Harry, Jack turned his attention back to Remus. “So what does this have to do with me being de-aged?”
“And what if you had been a 200 year old witch or wizard or Harry had been?” Remus replied with a smirk.
The newly bonded couple looks at each other.
“Ewww! Not at breakfast, Moony,” Sirius said as he looked at fork full of food in disgust.
“Like that will put you off your food,” Remus commented.
“True,” Sirius replied before shoving the food into his mouth.
Harry shook his head at his godfather’s actions. “So the bond made it so that we’re closer to the same age but why did it changed me?”
“Why do you think it did?” Remus asked.
Harry sighed wearily. “Fine. So how do we hide these changes? If I show up wear glamour someone will start asking questions and I can’t imagine the problems Jack’s going to have.”
“You could blame Snape,” Sirius suggested. “Just claim that he’s been working on a potion for you. You could also use it as an excuse for why you haven’t been seen for the past few days.”
“That solution won’t work for me,” Jack commented. “And it won’t explain my condition from when I was kidnapped.”
“Well a glamour could be use to make you appear as you were,” Harry suggested as he played with food. “But I don’t know how to explain away everything else. Do you have any ideas?”
A small knowing smile appeared on Jack’s face. “A few,” he replied.
“So what do you do there?” Sirius asked.
“Sorry. It’s classified,” Jack replied smugly.
“They travel through a gateway to other planets and meet with beings not of Earth,” Luna stated as she buttered a slice of toast. “They also battle aliens like the water snakes Bill found in Egypt.”
“Aliens?” Sirius said in disbelief not noticing how the Americans had frozen at Luna’s words.
Luna nodded her head. “They enter the body through either the mouth or back of the neck and then take control of the person; making them do whatever it wants,” she explained. “They’re not very nice.”
“Evil water snakes from space?” Remus asked.
Luna once again nodded her head as she chewed her food. “There are good aliens too, like Teal’c. He’s a good alien even though he has a baby water snake in his belly.”
Harry, Remus and Sirius turned and look at Teal’c who simply raised an eyebrow in return.
“Jack,” Harry said in a tone that says he wants answers as he turned towards his bondmate.
“Harry,” Jack replied in a voice that seem to say ‘don’t ask.’
“Colonel O’Neill,” Luna called out breaking the staring contest the two stubborn men seem to be having.
“Yes?”
“I’m curious, do you see Loki, Thor or any of the Asgaurd in your travels?” Luna asked. “You see a number of them especially Loki still owe on their bar tabs.”
“Bar tab?” Carter said.
“My great great great great great great great great great great great great grandfather Egbert Lovegood ran a pub and the Asgard would often visit there for a pint or more of butter beer. Many of them had a running tab.”
“The Asgaurd owe you money,” Daniel said in disbelief. “How much?”
“I’m not really sure. I’m not really very good with numbers, interests and inflation, so I have the goblins keep track of it,” Luna replied. “I’m sure we can ask them when they come visit Harry today.”
“So do goblins visit you often?” Jack asked
Harry shrugged his shoulders. “We’re allied with them. War is bad for business and so is stagnation which is what is happening to the magical world since it’s under Dumbledore’s control.”
“What type of business do goblins run?” Ferretti asked. “I mean are we talking about goblins like the ones in Tolkien's work? You know a little shorter than a human, smart but really nasty fighter who doesn’t have a problem eating you or each other?”
"I think you mean Orcs, Major?" Daniel said. "Goblins are typically pictured as crabby dwarf size beings who cause mischief. Some stories have them related to the Celtic brownies."
"Yeah but this is Tolkien. In his work goblins with a little g is just another name for Orcs," Lou countered. "His goblins were fierce fighters you wouldn't want to go up against."
Major Ferretti turned to Harry. "So what are your Goblins like?"
"Well they're not related to brownies," Harry stated in a matter of fact tone of voice. "I think if you would say that to one of them… well I would hope you have your will made out. Goblins are highly intelligent beings who belong to a warrior-centered culture, so they have no problem defending themselves or their honor. I'm pretty sure they don't eat each other or humans."
"Well that’s good to know," Jack commented as he stabbed his eggs with his fork. "But what do they do?"
"Metalsmith. Banker. Body guards," Remus supplied. "Their magic is different from wizard magic so they often team up with wizards to create nearly impenetrable wards. As you can image they're not cheap."
"Oh so they're a little evil," Lou commented.
As all eyes turned to him questioningly, Ferretti shrugged his shoulders. "They're bankers. I have yet to meant a banker that wasn't slightly evil in some way."
Lou's comment was met by silence until Sirius finally spoke. "He does have a point. They would probably consider it a compliment."
“Harry?” Luna said in a sing song voice as everyone was chuckling about Sirius's comment
“Yes Tic?” Harry said using the nickname for Luna.
“I’m curious. What are you and Jack hoping for; a little wizard or a little witch?” Luna asked sweetly.
Luna's comment was more efficient than the sound of a key in a lock for two horny teens or for a cheating spouse when the other shouts 'Honey I'm home!"
Harry stared at Luna in confusion, “Huh?” while Sirius and Remus looked at both Jack and him with a mixture of hope, confusion and dread.
“Please. Please tell me use you used a contraceptive spell,” Sirius moaned. “I’m too young to be a grand-godfather.”
“What are you three talking about,” Harry demanded as he looked back and forth between Remus, Sirius and Luna. “Jack and I are men and men can’t have babies.” Harry looked at his family in confusion as they stared back at him with wide eyes at his last comment. “Can they?”
Jack pushed his plate away from him and banged his head against the table. "Somewhere there is someone laughing their ass off about this and when I find them I'm going to zat them in their ass. Three times."
"Oh come on, Jack," Lou said as he patted the Colonel, "just imagine the General's reaction when you tell him 'I'm sorry 'Wrap it or forget It' was not an opinion. Or better yet Kinsey's face."
Sirius barely acknowledged the mumbling from Colonel or Major Ferretti's smart-ass comment. “Harry you did have sex ed. during your second year at Hogwarts, didn’t you?” he demanded.
“That was the year I had to kill a 50 foot long Basilisk. Nearly Headless Nick, Mrs. Norris and a handful of students being turned to stone and everyone was calling me Slytherin’s heir and blaming me for everything going on. So no I didn't have sex ed., Sirius,” Harry growled.
Jack turned his head so that he could look up at Harry while he rested his head on the table. “Turned to stone?” he asked.
Harry nodded his head. “Yeah but we were able to turn them all back in the end.”
“Sex ed. wasn’t reinstated into Hogwarts until my 7th year,” Luna supplied. “It was decided just before Harry began Hogwarts that the parents or guardian should be the one to explain everything, not to have the professors do it.”
Sirius stared at Harry with a blank look on his face. "I have to explain the facts of life to my godson," he babbled to himself while Remus patted him gently on the back.
“Sounds more like a set up to me,” Lou commented.
“Sound pretty much like the rest of my life,” Harry commented in disgust.
“That’s not possible,” Carter mumbled to herself but it was loud enough for everyone else to hear.
Hearing Carter's words of denial, Sirius snapped out of self-induced nightmare concerning /The Talk/. “What's not possible? You mean a snake turning people into stone?”
“No… I mean yes that’s not possible but I was talking about male pregnancy. It's impossible for a man to become pregnant. Men lack… the right equipment to be able to carry a child let along give birth to one," Carter stated with conviction.
"My grandfather Samuel said it was a real pain in the ass to give birth to my father," Luna supplied with a smile.
Almost as one a shudder ran through the men of SGC and Harry as the picture of how Luna's father was delivered ran through their minds.
"I don't see how that is possible," Carter snapped in frustration. "How could a man become pregnant?”
“You see sometimes when two people meet they fall in love. When that happens they’ll go off to someplace private and spent time….”
“Tic,” Harry said with a wearily sigh. “Not at the breakfast table.”
“But Harry Major Carter asked me about where babies came from,” Luna replied.
“Yes I know Tic,” Harry sighed. “Just not at the table, please.”
“At least she didn’t offer to give a demo this time,” Sirius mumbled to himself.
Luna clapped her hands together with glee. “Oh what a wonderful idea, Sirius,” she squealed. “It's been ages since Neville and me had a threesome, not since the last time we made love in his greenhouse and
Shokushu bouji shokubutsu joined in.”
“What's what she said?” Jack asked as he noticed Harry pushed his plate away and started to bang his head against the table.
"It's Japanese," Daniel explained. "shokubutsu means plant and I think bouji means one's dead child."
"Shokushu bouji shokubutsu means tentacle sex plant," Lou said as he stared at Luna who was wearing a smile similar to one might find on a cat that just ate the family's pet bird.
Everyone looks at Lou in amazement; Lou just shrugged his shoulder in return. "I like anime."
Jack looked at Lou for a moment then at Luna who smiled in return. "Right," Jack said to the room as if to dismiss the subject before turning back to Sirius and Remus. "You were explain Harry's lack of sex education and how either Harry or I could be pregnant."
"That’s way too much information for me about my godson's bedroom activities," Sirius stated with slightly widened eyes.
"Well it would have been nice if you had warned us about what the bond would demand from us," Harry snapped.
"None of that matters right now," Jack directed this comment to Harry. "What matters is finding out if one of us is... is pregnant." The last two words left O'Neill's mouth with a sense of dread behind them.
"That’s fairly easy," Sirius said as his wand appeared in his hand. "I still remember the spell for it. James was always too nervous to do us it on Lily when they were trying to have Harry."
"So the spell works on women too?" Daniel asked.
"Men, women, farm animals," Sirius said with a chuckle before Remus smacked him across the back of the head.
"Your sense of humor isn't helping," Remus chastised as he struggled to keep his smile from appearing.
"How could this spell determine if Harry or the Colonel is pregnant so soon," Carter asked. "It takes a few days for hormones to build up in the body before standard pregnancies test work."
"We're not testing for hormones but for a magical presence," Remus explained. "Every birth in the wizard world has a magical presence even squibs who have almost no magic at all."
"But Jack isn't a wizard." Daniel pointed out. "So can the spell still work on him?"
Remus shrugged his shoulders. "In all likelihood Jack is a squib, perhaps even a Muggle born wizard whose parent won't allow him to go to Salem."
"I'm a wizard?" Jack asked.
"More likely a squib," Remus stated with an almost apologetic look. "It's possible that you're from a line of squibs. But that is something we can research later."
"And a squid is," Jack wanted to know, "beside being the main ingredient in calamari?"
Harry chucked. "Squib not squid. A squib is a non-magical or extremely low level magical child born to magical parents."
"My parents weren't magical," Jack commented. "Just normal everyday people."
"They could be from a line of squibs," Sirius suggested. "If you are from a line of squibs I wouldn't be surprise to find out that your line originally was apprenticed out to someone who knew of the magic world or was a squib themselves. I know before Christianity took over, squibs were often placed with the Druids, who would find a place for the children."
"Just think Jack if you hadn't joined the Air Force you could've end up having dancing naked outside several times a year and worshipping trees," Lou said teasingly.
"It would explain your interest in the stars and planets too," Daniel said adding his own friendly ribbing. "It might be a good idea to visit Stonehenge and see if you can release you're inner Druid, Jack."
Turning to Harry, Jack said, "Remind me to get a staff I need to it to whack some people across the head with it."
"Actual that won't be a bad idea," Remus suggested. "You might want to see if Jack can use magic, Harry."
Jack turned at glared at Remus. "But you just said I was a squib and I didn't have magic."
"No he said you might be a squib," Sirius chimed in, "but you could also be a wizard who just didn't go to school."
"Jack wielding magic, now that’s a scary thought," Lou eyed his friend cautiously.
"I don't want to think how many cases of Tums Walter would have to order if that was true," Carter commented.
"692," Luna said with a knowing smile. "Of course that's after he's told about the baby."
Jack closed his eyes and exhaled through his nose slowly. Opening his eyes once again he fixed them on Sirius. "Now this spell you mentioned?"
"Oh yeah… umm Harry stand up and move over there," Sirius said as he waved in a direction away from the breakfast table
"Why me?" Harry sputtered. "I mean should Jack go first?"
"And who was the one who didn't use a contraceptive spell?" Sirius replied as he pointed once again at the spot it indicated earlier.
"It's not my fault they didn't teach sex education," Harry grumbled as he pushed himself away from the table and stumped over to the spot Sirius wanted him at. "So now what?"
"Vita ostendo sum, " Sirius said as he flicked his wand.
A soft white glow encompassed Harry's before fading away to nothing.
"Congratulation Harry," Sirius said with a smile as all the blood ran out of Harry's face at his godfather's words. "You're not pregnant."
If a glare could kill Sirius would be a dead man many times over from the looks he was receiving from Jack, Harry and even Remus.
"That wasn't funny Sirius," Harry growled.
"I thought it was," Sirius replied with his most charming of smile.
"If Harry was pregnant what would the spell have done?" Carter asked.
"You're next Jack," Sirius told the Colonel before answering Carter's question. "A blue glow would appear."
Pointing his wand at Jack, Sirius once again said, "Vita ostendo sum."
A soft glow encompassed Jack, the color of which was….
~*~
Post Author Notes: The translation of Vita ostendo sum is Life revealed or at least I hope it is. I used an on-line translation so hopefully it's pretty close to being proper Latin.
Book of Taliesin - a collection of some of the oldest poems in Welsh, many of them attributed to the poet Taliesin (from Wikipedia)
The Fiend Folio Tome - one of the books that can be used in fantasy role-playing game Dungeons & Dragons
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