FicWad

I'm 33 for a moment
Still the man, but you see I'm a they
A kid on the way
A family on my mind
Books can never truly explain the goings on in life. They will never be able to talk you through that first kiss, or explain why she makes butterflies come into your stomach. Books can’t tell you when you’ve messed up and books can’t push you to find her and apologies. Some things can only be done by a parent, and nothing scares me more.
She always put her trust in books. There was nothing she couldn’t find in the brittle pages of an old tome, and the thick ink that filled the page. That’s the first thing she did when we first found out. She read books on pregnancy, the actual delivery, and even as far off as potty training.
“It’s our first child Harry.” She said lovingly when I first questioned all the books she had brought home. “We have to make sure we do everything right.” My heart flipped every time she said those words. She wanted to give our child the life I never got.
Maybe that was why every time the baby was mentioned my stomach did a jump. I had only heard of a childhood that wasn’t riddled with dark cupboards and evil relatives. I had never had a real childhood of my own, how could I make my own child’s enjoyable? Hermione seemed to sense my troubles. She was always able to tell when I was upset. And she was always good for alleviating my worries.
“Don’t worry.” She comforted me at night when she sensed that I was worrying. “You’re not like them.”
“How do you know?” My voice was always laced with the worry that I wish I could express to her in words. I was never very good with words. She smiled and snuggled closer to me making her bulging belly more evident.
“Because you have me.” She tried to sound humble, but I could hear the pride shining through those words. She loved that I needed her.
“Yes, yes I do.” I would whisper before quietly falling into a deep sleep with my one true love in my arms.
Love was never the issue. I had more than enough love for Hermione and I knew it would only increase with the birth of our child. Love is something that had no boundaries. For a brief period when I was young the Dursleys decided to go to church. Back then I thought it was, hopefully, to pray for Dudley to get skinny. But I later came to realize that church was just another strategy to try to drive the witchcraft out of me. I guess when they realized that it wasn’t going to work their piety quickly dissolved.
I would always dress in my best when I went to church. It was like a special occasion for me. A church was one place I knew I couldn’t get hurt. I was never very drawn to the religion aspect though. I could never feel a great bond between God and I. Probably the wizard in me still angry about the religious bigots who burned witches in the old days. But I did respect church and listened closely to the gospel when I thought that it may be fascinating.
On one Sunday when we had gone to church I heard something I would never forget. As the priest got up to read the gospel my eyes misted over getting ready to loose focus. But then the priest started to speak and a whiff of his words caught my ears and immediately sent me out of my daze.
“Love is patient; love is kind and envies no one. Love is never boastful, nor conceited, nor rude; never selfish, not quick to take offense. There is nothing love cannot face; there is no limit to its faith, its hope, and endurance. In a word, there are three things that last forever: faith, hope, and love; but the greatest of them all is love.” The priest spoke in a strong voice and yet in my seven year old mind it seemed soft. While he was reading it he always seemed to glance at me, as if he knew he was speaking to a love deprived child.
Most couples use the quote in their wedding for symbols of love. Actually, Hermione once suggested we use it at our wedding but I immediately struck the idea down. I loved Hermione, but that quote to me did not stand for the love I had for her. That quote to me meant the love of a parent, a love that knows no end, and a love that would die for you. That quote was saved only for my mother.
Once about a month before the baby was born Hermione brought up the issue of the baby’s religion to me.
“Harry” she said cautiously making sure to approach me in the right manner. She knew I was touchy about religion. “Do you think we should have the baby baptized?” I looked at her for a while. Her face was to hopefully not to respond.
“Do you mean baptize it to be Catholic?” I tried to keep the harshness out of my voice, but it seemed hard to hold back.
“That was how I was raised.” She didn’t look timid and soft anymore. She looked like a determined pregnant woman who wasn’t going to give up without a fight. “I know it seems hard for you to understand, but God is a big part of life, and I want our baby to experience that part of life.”
“What has God done?” Stupid question, I know. But what other way can you fight with Hermione besides being direct and sometimes stupid.
“He kept you alive.” She answered loudly raising her voice. Her answer surprised me. I knew she felt strongly about the issue, but she rarely yelled and most of the time it was at Ron so I personally had no problems with it.
“Fine” I didn’t look into her eyes when I answered. I didn’t want her see the uncertainty. “The baby will be baptized.” She did not hug me or show any sign or thankfulness. She simply walked out of the room and left me to ponder what had conspired. She left me so that I could think about God.
The baby came about a month after our conversation. Everything was set when Hermione told me it was time. We got to St. Mungo’s in no time, and Hermione was quickly swooped out of my sight. It was not traditional for fathers to be in the room in wizarding births.
I waited and contemplated everything that had gone on in my life since I had found out we were expecting. I had thought about God for the first time in almost six years. I had recollected on my traumatic life at the Dursleys. And I hoped upon hope every day since the day we found out that my baby would be happy, and not turn out like its father did, scary and damaged.
Company surrounded me during the day, but none of it mattered to me. The only people I wanted to see were my family, and they were currently in the delivery room. The doctors had come out earlier and told me that some complications had risen, but that they were not lethal to Hermione or the baby. I quickly told Hermione’s parents and the Weasleys. Most took it pretty easily, they trusted magic and knew that it would come through for them. But Hermione’s mother was different from the rest.
She did not speak or try to reassure me. She simply nodded and returned to her purse. She dug deep into her purse and when her hands emerged they were tightly clutching beads. She must’ve sensed me looking and returned my gaze sharply before focusing herself fully on the beads.
“I’m sorry I know you folks don’t really have an official religion,” Hermione’s father apologized as he noticed me looking intensely at his wife. “But Ellen has always been a strong Catholic, and when troubles arise she believes that the rosary is the only answer. I’m sorry if it disturbs you. I can ask her to…” but I was off before I could hear the rest I was off towards Mrs. Granger.
I stood for a few minutes before she acknowledged my presence. People were staring, but I didn’t care. She looked up at me with pitying eyes.
“Do you know the line in the bible about love?” I asked desperately hoping upon hope that she didn’t think I was crazy.
“There are many quotes in the Bible about love.” She said. Obviously noticing that I was distressed she continued softly “But I believe the one you are probably referring to is ‘Love is patient’” My hope rose up as she looked at me for the first time that night with understanding.
“Can you recite it?” she looked at me puzzled and I quickly realized my error. “I don’t mean out-loud or anything I’m just asking if you know all of it.” She nodded.
“It is one of my favorites.”
“Can you do me a favor?” she nodded again and I continued feverishly “Can you send that prayer up to God for me? We don’t have the best relationship and I know someone up there who I know will listen.” She nodded again, and I began to wonder if that was all the woman did. She shut her eyes for a moment and I knew she was saying the prayer in her head and sending it to God.
“Excuse me Mr. Potter.” A healer suddenly came out of the door and addressed me with a handshake. “Your wife is in the other room and she said she would like to introduce you to your son now.” The healer smiled as I felt my knees go weak.
“Thank you mother.” I mumbled under my breath shutting my eyes for only a fraction of a second. “Thank you for listening.”