Categories > Celebrities > Fall Out Boy > Dead On Arrival
By now her eyes had adjusted to the darkness of the apartment and her ears had become accustomed to the sound of passing taxi cabs still shuffling through the streets below; but there was no way for her to really adjust to the loneliness that was still keeping her awake on such a cold December night. Tossing and turning on the cushions of Janelle's plush over-sized couch was not the way that Ana planned to spend her time in New York City, but as of late, nothing in her life seemed to be going as planned.
A quiet sigh escaped her lips as she flipped to her side once more, staring absently at her reflection in the television parralell to the couch with a frown spreading on her lips. Janelle's voice sounded strange in the silent darkness as it suddenly floated out from her adjacent bedroom, commenting with a slight hint of amusement, "I can hear your mind overheating from all the way in here!"
Ana could only sigh out a half-hearted apology before Janelle was standing in the doorway, clad in flannel pajama pants and a Cobra Starship t-shirt, smoothing out her erratically messy hair as she leaned casually against the door frame.
"Come in here, please." Her voice was quieter and gentle now but it made Ana jump slightly on account of its suddenly closer proximity. "We'll cuddle like the old days, it'll be nice."
Ana could barely fight the smile that was tugging at the corners of her lips as she hesitantly pulled herself up from the couch without a fight. With a lazy sulk she pulled the pillow and blanket behind her as she climbed up into Janelle's overly comfortable bed, sighing quietly as her head fell back against the plush pillows around her.
"Let's talk about it." Janelle's voice was insisting as she glanced at the clock that read 2:46am on the bedside table.
"I'm a fool" Ana frowned heavily, clearly visible to Janelle's well adjusted eyes, "I don't really know what else there is to say. We kissed, I have my ring, I'm in New York and he's in Boston. He's always going to be a jet setting rock star and he's always going to be in another city or country when I need him here with me. He'll never be able to be around when it's really important and I don't blame him. I blame myself for actually believing we could make it work."
"Don't blame yourself" Laced with concern, Janelle's voice was strong with conviction as she buried her head back against the pillows and pulled the comforter up around her shoulders.
"I don't want to but I knew what I was getting myself into," Ana's voice was quieter now, uneven in the darkness, "now look at how it turned out."
"Our hearts make the worst decisions." Janelle commented absently before pausing in the dark silent gloom, posing a question that was hard for her to even say, never mind for Ana to truthfully answer.
"Are you ready to give up?"
"I think I might be" The truth was painful, it could be like a blow to the chest or a weight lifting from your shoulders, "It's sucks right now and it's only going to feel worse before it feels better, but I can't do this forever. It's time to get my life on some sort of track, for once."
Janelle sighed heavily now, the brutal weight of the truth weighing down on them both, "I'm proud of you for trying to think through it clearly."
Ana had no reply because it was hard for her to wrap her mind around what has just been concluded because in the end, she was right; she needed to make the choice, it couldn't go on like this forever. The city lights were shining in dully from the open curtain, casting in a gloomy glow as snow flakes began to dance around in the cold winter air.
"I want to have a baby." Janelle's voice was uncharacteristically steady for such a drastic confession and it brought Ana's attention from the falling snow back to the shadowy face of her very best friend.
"Excuse me?"
Letting out a slight chuckle, Janelle shook her head lightly before clarifying her confession. "Not like, right this minute; I'm clearly too selfish for that, but eventually. He makes me want to have a baby, to start a family and secure myself to one thing, in one place for the rest of my life and I'm terrified."
Ana couldn't help the smile that was pulling at her lips now and for once she didn't feel like she should hold it back as she studied the uncertainty in Janelle's eyes. There wasn't much she could say to such a drastic confession that she never imagined hearing from her other half. "Wow" was all she could breathe out.
"I'm sorry that I'm kind of happy when you're kind of down, you know I hate to rain joy on your sorrow parade." Janelle joked lightly, earning her a kick to the shin under the exotically patterned comforter.
"It's alright, I'm ecstatic for you Nelle." Ana smiled warmly, snuggling further back into the mattress.
"What do you think your life would be like right this very moment if you never lost the baby and Mike was still around?" Janelle broke the film of silence that had momentarily settled over the room.
Ana thought anxiously, chewing lightly on her bottom lip and staring intently at the tiles of the ceiling before exhaling dramatically and giving her answer, "I think it would be slightly more content but just as insanely off balance. If I never lost the baby I wouldn't be here with you for the holiday, I would be at home, still living with my grandparents in the post-Christmas bliss of putting together countless toys."
Janelle laughed at the thought of Ana surrounded by empty cardboard boxes, cursing a stack of instructions printed in 8 different languages that would probably make more sense if they were written in jibberish.
"If Mike never left, maybe we would still be in Miami spending the holidays on the beach with or without a child to raise." Ana wasn't smiling but she wasn't frowning either; there was no adjective to describe the emotion the conversation displayed on her features.
"Would you rather that?" Janelle didn't know if it was appropriate to ask, but she conjured up the guts and let the words pass.
Ana shrugged immediately, a response Janelle expected, "I don't know really; I could be living with my parents raising a child as a single mother or living with my parents wondering what to do with the ruins of the most important relationship I'll ever have. Which would you prefer?"
It was Janelle's turn to shrug now, her eyes wandering to the picture of her and her beloved sitting in a glistening gold frame on her bedside table, trying to wonder what her life would be like if she were to wear any of Ana's shoes.
"Don't get me wrong, Mike was great while it lasted and it took some getting use to but at the time I would have been happy as a mother; but Patrick has been the love of my life since I was in middle school, I don't know if anything can ever really change that."
"What if it really doesn't work out?"
Ana shrugged with an apprehensive look playing on her lips, "I guess it really is better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all."
"Touche" Janelle sighed contently as sleep began weighing heavy on their eyelids.
"Thanks for listening" Ana sighed as her eyes fluttered shut, "You're the best friend I could ever ask for, I probably really don't deserve you."
Janelle smirked quietly in the dark, cuddling up tighter in her bed as sleep took over, "You're just lucky I like you."
A quiet sigh escaped her lips as she flipped to her side once more, staring absently at her reflection in the television parralell to the couch with a frown spreading on her lips. Janelle's voice sounded strange in the silent darkness as it suddenly floated out from her adjacent bedroom, commenting with a slight hint of amusement, "I can hear your mind overheating from all the way in here!"
Ana could only sigh out a half-hearted apology before Janelle was standing in the doorway, clad in flannel pajama pants and a Cobra Starship t-shirt, smoothing out her erratically messy hair as she leaned casually against the door frame.
"Come in here, please." Her voice was quieter and gentle now but it made Ana jump slightly on account of its suddenly closer proximity. "We'll cuddle like the old days, it'll be nice."
Ana could barely fight the smile that was tugging at the corners of her lips as she hesitantly pulled herself up from the couch without a fight. With a lazy sulk she pulled the pillow and blanket behind her as she climbed up into Janelle's overly comfortable bed, sighing quietly as her head fell back against the plush pillows around her.
"Let's talk about it." Janelle's voice was insisting as she glanced at the clock that read 2:46am on the bedside table.
"I'm a fool" Ana frowned heavily, clearly visible to Janelle's well adjusted eyes, "I don't really know what else there is to say. We kissed, I have my ring, I'm in New York and he's in Boston. He's always going to be a jet setting rock star and he's always going to be in another city or country when I need him here with me. He'll never be able to be around when it's really important and I don't blame him. I blame myself for actually believing we could make it work."
"Don't blame yourself" Laced with concern, Janelle's voice was strong with conviction as she buried her head back against the pillows and pulled the comforter up around her shoulders.
"I don't want to but I knew what I was getting myself into," Ana's voice was quieter now, uneven in the darkness, "now look at how it turned out."
"Our hearts make the worst decisions." Janelle commented absently before pausing in the dark silent gloom, posing a question that was hard for her to even say, never mind for Ana to truthfully answer.
"Are you ready to give up?"
"I think I might be" The truth was painful, it could be like a blow to the chest or a weight lifting from your shoulders, "It's sucks right now and it's only going to feel worse before it feels better, but I can't do this forever. It's time to get my life on some sort of track, for once."
Janelle sighed heavily now, the brutal weight of the truth weighing down on them both, "I'm proud of you for trying to think through it clearly."
Ana had no reply because it was hard for her to wrap her mind around what has just been concluded because in the end, she was right; she needed to make the choice, it couldn't go on like this forever. The city lights were shining in dully from the open curtain, casting in a gloomy glow as snow flakes began to dance around in the cold winter air.
"I want to have a baby." Janelle's voice was uncharacteristically steady for such a drastic confession and it brought Ana's attention from the falling snow back to the shadowy face of her very best friend.
"Excuse me?"
Letting out a slight chuckle, Janelle shook her head lightly before clarifying her confession. "Not like, right this minute; I'm clearly too selfish for that, but eventually. He makes me want to have a baby, to start a family and secure myself to one thing, in one place for the rest of my life and I'm terrified."
Ana couldn't help the smile that was pulling at her lips now and for once she didn't feel like she should hold it back as she studied the uncertainty in Janelle's eyes. There wasn't much she could say to such a drastic confession that she never imagined hearing from her other half. "Wow" was all she could breathe out.
"I'm sorry that I'm kind of happy when you're kind of down, you know I hate to rain joy on your sorrow parade." Janelle joked lightly, earning her a kick to the shin under the exotically patterned comforter.
"It's alright, I'm ecstatic for you Nelle." Ana smiled warmly, snuggling further back into the mattress.
"What do you think your life would be like right this very moment if you never lost the baby and Mike was still around?" Janelle broke the film of silence that had momentarily settled over the room.
Ana thought anxiously, chewing lightly on her bottom lip and staring intently at the tiles of the ceiling before exhaling dramatically and giving her answer, "I think it would be slightly more content but just as insanely off balance. If I never lost the baby I wouldn't be here with you for the holiday, I would be at home, still living with my grandparents in the post-Christmas bliss of putting together countless toys."
Janelle laughed at the thought of Ana surrounded by empty cardboard boxes, cursing a stack of instructions printed in 8 different languages that would probably make more sense if they were written in jibberish.
"If Mike never left, maybe we would still be in Miami spending the holidays on the beach with or without a child to raise." Ana wasn't smiling but she wasn't frowning either; there was no adjective to describe the emotion the conversation displayed on her features.
"Would you rather that?" Janelle didn't know if it was appropriate to ask, but she conjured up the guts and let the words pass.
Ana shrugged immediately, a response Janelle expected, "I don't know really; I could be living with my parents raising a child as a single mother or living with my parents wondering what to do with the ruins of the most important relationship I'll ever have. Which would you prefer?"
It was Janelle's turn to shrug now, her eyes wandering to the picture of her and her beloved sitting in a glistening gold frame on her bedside table, trying to wonder what her life would be like if she were to wear any of Ana's shoes.
"Don't get me wrong, Mike was great while it lasted and it took some getting use to but at the time I would have been happy as a mother; but Patrick has been the love of my life since I was in middle school, I don't know if anything can ever really change that."
"What if it really doesn't work out?"
Ana shrugged with an apprehensive look playing on her lips, "I guess it really is better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all."
"Touche" Janelle sighed contently as sleep began weighing heavy on their eyelids.
"Thanks for listening" Ana sighed as her eyes fluttered shut, "You're the best friend I could ever ask for, I probably really don't deserve you."
Janelle smirked quietly in the dark, cuddling up tighter in her bed as sleep took over, "You're just lucky I like you."
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