FicWad

10. Dream Lover

I put my face against the grated window, tears slid down it silently. I wasn’t allowed in; I could only watch her breathe. This was so fucking unfair. They operated, stitching Autumn up like a broken toy. Now we just need to wait for her to wake up. My mom and Mikey tried to get me to go back home, just for a while, but I wouldn’t budge. If this window was as close as I was allowed then I wouldn’t leave until I could get closer, to at least touch her again. She had a cloth pulled up to her chin, the one wrist propped up on a pillow. Her hair was spread out on the pillow, knotted. I jumped at the slightest movement: an eyelid flutters, her fingers twitch. Regardless, she was beautiful.
I was still lost. Why would she try to kill herself? Did she really still love me? Or was there something else?
A portly old nurse wandered in and fussed with her machines, put a new pillow under her wrist and left. Her eyelids moved when the nurse touched her hand.
“‘Ey kid.” I jumped. The hospital had been quiet since her sisters went home. I turned and saw the nurse, her dark skin glowing in the fluorescent lighting of the ward.
“Y-yeah?” I said, wiping my face.
“You gonna stay ‘ere overnight?” I hadn’t considered that. I looked down the hall and saw other nurses tucking in the patients. Had I really been here for a whole twenty-four hours? Just watching over Autumn? I felt like we had switched roles and smiled in spite of myself.
“Erm…I guess so. Sure.” The nurse gave me a toothy grin.
“She your girl, kid?” Not anymore, I wanted to say. I nodded and she smiled again.
“You wanna see her?” I nodded again, more eagerly this time.
“Well, whatcha waiting for? The door’s righ’ there!” The woman laughed to herself and pushed her cart down the hall.
“ I won’ tell nobody, kid. Go on in.” I hadn’t noticed I was shaking until I put my hand on her door. I pushed it a little and it glided open for me. I knew what it looked like from the glass (which turned out to be a double sided glass; it was a mirror on this side), but it was so much different to actually be in the room. Sure, everything was white and obviously sterile. But, shit, the place even smelled clean. You could hear the whirr of the machines that kept her breathing. They had her on a drip, something you couldn’t see from the window. I took a chair from the corner and pulled it next to her bed. She had dark circles around her eyes, her chest rose and fell gently. I took her uninjured hand; she was still freezing like a corpse. I didn’t want to think she was dead, because she wasn’t: the doctor said that she just needed to wait for the sedatives to wear off. I felt like I should say something.
“Hi, Autumn.” She didn’t speak. Her machines replied for her: whirr click beep. Beep. Beep. I hadn’t noticed the heart rate monitor, softly keeping time to her breathing.
“I’m sorry this happened.” Beep. Beep. Beep. I put a hand in her hair and started untangling it. It wasn’t normal for Autumn’s hair to be messy. I smiled, remembering the one time I woke her up early to surprise her.
“Um…yeah I think she’s still sleeping,” her mother replied. I didn’t miss the unappreciative glance that she gave me as I turned and walked up the stairs. I closed the door behind me as quietly as possible, and swallowed a giggle when I saw her drooling slightly on her pillow. Her room was incredibly messy, with clothes and books scattered everywhere. Posters lined the walls and a radio hummed some sort of love song. I clicked it off and sat on her bed, smiling as I stroked her hair in her sleep.
“Wake up, lover,” I whispered into her hair. I felt her shiver a little, but she continued to ‘sleep’. I sang gently in her ear:
“Dream lover, where are you?
With a love, oh, so true?
And I hand that can hold?
To feel you near as I grow old”
She giggled as she opened her eyes and kissed my nose… The memory faded as I watched her stir…would my singing wake her up again? My voice was tired, but I guessed I’d at least try.
“Oh Autumn…why did you do this to yourself?” I tried not to cry again as I carefully crawled next to her and put my lips to her ear:
“Dream lover, until then,
I'll go to sleep and dream again
That's the only thing to do,
till all my lover's dreams come true”
I sang it slower and softer than it was meant, but it sounded right. Her fingers clenched in both her hands; I took her better hand and put it to my face. I prayed she could hear me.
“'cause I want a girl to call my own
I want a dream lover so I don't have to dream alone”
Her mouth opened and I was crying. Her lips moved, but no sound came; her hand started to clasp mine.
“Don't make me dream alone
Don't make me dream alone
Don't make me dream alone”
“Gee…?” Her pale olive eyes opened and blinked sleepily.
“Oh, my God, you’re awake,” I breathed in her ear, pressing my lips tenderly against her cheek.
“Gerard? You have a lovely voice…” I smiled, but only because she did too. It was weak, but it lit up the dim room better than any lamp.
“You have a lovely smile, dear.” I kissed her cheek again, scared that kissing her full on the lips would be too much for a couple that really wasn’t going together anymore.
“Gerard…why are you here?” Her eyebrows furrowed and her smile died away. I was slightly shocked but the question wasn’t unexpected.
“What do you mean, Autumn?” she glanced at her wrist and moved her hand around a bit to see if it still moved.
“I mean…I dumped you. You should be like, ‘grr I hate you’ and such,” she sighed and turned her head towards mine. She looked like she was going to cry
“Did you want to…dump” –I cringed at the word- “Me?” Her lips trembled. ‘No’ she mouthed, her voice abandoning her.
“Love…” she shook her hand away from mine.
“My mom doesn’t like you…” I couldn’t help smiling this time
“I’m being serious, Gee! She told me to dump you because you were too needy.”
“Needy?” I laughed this time
“As in needing saved all the time”
“Oh…” Well, that might be true. But did that really matter, now that we knew what would happen?
“Gee…who found me?” I was stroking her face with my now-free hand.
“What do you mean?” She looked away.
“Who found me after…” She glanced at the blood-stained bandage. “That?”
“I did, dear.”
“Why?” I frowned a little.
“Well, I was dropping off this painting for you, and-”
“No, why didn’t you let me die?” Now I was shocked. A tear streaked her face and I wiped it away quickly.
“Because I would die if you died, Autumn.” She shook her head and turned away.
“Autumn…” I saw her tremor slightly. I put my arm on her shoulder and she shrugged it off feebly.
“I can’t, Gerard…I’m not like you…” She chose her words carefully and slowly.
“Does it matter?”
“Yes! If I had never even looked at you, you wouldn’t be in this situation. You’re risking your life talking to me right now.” I sat back up and shrugged.
“I don’t care.” I could tell she was rolling her eyes even though I couldn’t see her.
“I do. If you got hurt…or worse…I would never forgive myself.” We were quiet for a time.
“Please don’t end it here, Autumn.” I pleaded. She looked back at me, her eyes full of tears.
“It won’t work out, Gerard. Just move on already.”
“But I can’t.” She was crying but she was frustrated too.
“Why not?! I’m surprised you even came back after I told you the first time; I thought you got it!”
“Because I love you, Autumn!”
“Then go love someone else! I’m sure they would appreciate it better than I do anyways.” She was struggling to sit up. I tried to help her and she glared at me.
“Gerard…just…go. Please.” I was heartbroken. I took a bus back home and cried the entire time.
She doesn’t want you anymore.
But I love her.
In case you forgot, she doesn’t care.
I care
Doesn’t matter. Take her advice and forget her.
I can’t just forget her. I love her
Yeah we already established that. That needs to stop.
How do I stop loving her?!
Find someone else…?
Just replace her? With who?
Olivia, maybe?
She doesn’t like me.
Says you.
I am you.
I stepped off the bus and started down the icy street, just then realizing I forgot a jacket. I shivered and walked.
“Hey, Gerard…”
“Olivia?”
Told you. She found out you weren’t taken anymore and jumped.Fine. I blocked the voices out of my head and talked to her.
“Yeah, Gerard. ‘member me?”
“O-of course, Olivia.” I flushed slightly.
“You wanna come over? My house is closer than yours from this point.”
“Sure!” my voice cracked. “I mean sure.” I said slightly lower. She giggled and took my hand, her long nails scratching my skin. She was no Autumn, but she wasn’t ugly either. She had waist-length dark brown hair that bounced gently when she walked; bright blue eyes that sparkled slightly. Okay, so she was prettier than Autumn. But was she an angel? She giggled again.
“You look really tired Gerard. What on earth have you been up to?” She was a bit of a ditz too…was it really worth it? What would Autumn think?
Forget about Autumn. You have Olivia now.
I looked at Olivia.
“Hey, you know, I don’t have a date to the dance, if you wanted to go with me…”