FicWad

9. With love, Gerard

I stopped running. I felt wasted and tired. I loved her and she didn’t get it. I know, I know I’m supposed to understand blah blah blah…But I accepted her, can’t she accept me?
I sat on the ground for a minute; my head was spinning. I thought about it again…she dumped me yet she was crying.
Am I missing something here?
I was nice: I kissed her and hugged her. I remembered her birthday and our anniversary and didn’t mention Olivia since the note. I respected her when she was upset and told her I loved her when I knew she was sad or lonely. I talked to her and walked her home.

Was I a bad kisser?


Naah, that’s not it…


Hell, I even made her a freaking painting…that I forgot to give her…
Shit.
Well too late now…God what did I do wrong?
Is it really because I’m human? Is there something so wretched about us that as soon as we fall in love with you, you dump us? Because I’m still in love with her, I really am.
Come on, Gerard, pull yourself together…
I got up and started walking again. How many times had I held her hand? Hugged her? Kissed her? I couldn’t stop thinking about her and I knew I had to get over it. I knew her and she wouldn’t dwell.
Did I know her though? I felt like she could just read my mind sometimes and yet, I hardly recognized her anymore. She’s an angel. She’s shy and doesn’t really have that many friends. She hardly talked before we broke up.
Would she still look over me after this? She made me quit drinking and smoking. “Don’t hang out with Frank, I have a bad feeling about him” and whatever. Oh, my God, I’m going to die without her.
Not in like, the “I’m so broken hearted I just cannot go on” bullshit.
As in, die, die.
Deamons know I exist and if they found out she stopped going with me then I’m done for.
I pulled my screen door open and called out for Mikey.
“Dude you look like shit.” I was soaking wet from the knees down.
“Yeah, I feel like shit too.” I started walking away.
“Did something happen, uh, between you and Autumn?” I sighed
“No, why?” I didn’t want to bother him with my problems, he’d find out from her anyways.
“’cause you still have her bra…” I froze. Wait, I did?
“What?”
“Yeah, its all torn up and shit.” Oh, it’s from when she pretty much killed herself to save me.
Then dumped me two days later.
“Oh, that was an….er…”
“An?” I heard him tapping his foot
“Accident?” I turned and shrugged. His eyes got wide.
“Dude, she’s fucking pregnant?” I put my hand to my face.
“No you dumbass. I, uh, got dumped.” He turned red.
“Oh…I…um…sorry man.” He shoved his hands in his pockets and shuffled off. I crawled upstairs, my throat burned from not letting myself cry. I was better than this.
I didn’t want to go to my room. I knew the painting of her would be there. I closed my eyes and pushed the door open, and there she was.
I painted her beautifully, if I’m allowed to say so. Nothing near the real thing, but still. Her dark red hair cascaded down her back, over her wings that I added last minute. Her bright green eyes sparkled in the picture almost like real life. But she was an angel, that’s what she was. It would have been wrong to paint her any other way. I knew what had to be done.
I kicked my shoes back on and put a cover over the painting, clutching it to my chest as I scuttled across the icy walks. I didn’t bother knocking, it had been a few hours and was dark now. I let myself in and tip-toed up her stairs in socks. She wasn’t in her bedroom, but I set it on her bed. I stepped back and looked around. Old posters of glamour stars lined her walls. I looked at her mirror and was shocked. Little framed pictures of us crowded her make-up off the counter. Me kissing her cheek. Us just giggling. Her birthday. My arms around her. Our anniversary. I turned around and saw the dress she’d wear to winter formal draped neatly on a hanger on her closet door. I didn’t have to look twice to know it would fit her perfectly. I knew I wouldn’t be going without her. I took a note card off her writing desk and a pen. With love, Gerard. I set it on top of the painting and walked out of her darkened room as silently as I had entered. I passed the bathroom, the light was on and the door was closed. Maybe Autumn was in there. I put my hand up to knock, but decided against it. I started down the stairs when I heard something slam. Shit, it came from the bathroom too.
“Hello?” I slowly approached the door, and freaked: a lock of red hair peeked out from under it.
“Autumn?” I had no voice. I pushed on the door gently.
“Oh, my God…” Tears slid down my face as I assessed what was in front of me. Autumn was laying in a pool of blood, wrists slit, dead.
“No…no no no!” I slid to my knees and pressed my ear to her heart. A slow, murmur of a heart beat thudded dully in her chest.
She wasn’t dead.
Yet.
I acted quickly. I ran down her hallway pounding on doors. I was greeted first by a tall, lanky, at least eighteen sister. Her black hair hung in her face and her night gown dragged on the floor. She looked more ghost than human or angel…whatever the hell she was.
“What the fuck are you doing here?” Cute. Real friendly too.
“Autumn…she’s…bathroom…dying.” Her mirror-like eyes flashed in fear and she darted down the hall. Her shrieks of grief woke the other girls. A tiny one with watery blue eyes looked shaken by her sisters cries, the other one was curious. Both were shorter than Autumn, both had the same pale blonde hair. The dark haired girl had Autumn cradled in her lap.
“Make yourself useful and call an ambulance!” She whispered, her voice was gone and tears streaked her face. The other girls rushed to her side as I scrambled down stairs for a phone. My fingers trembled as I dialed 9-1-1.
“Hello. You have reached-”
“Ok I know….Oh, my god, my girlfriend is dying” I started crying again.
“Its okay it will be ok. What is her injury?” the voice droned.
“She…she slit her wrists and is bleeding to death will you please get someone here?”
“Emergency transportation is on its way. Has she sustained any other injuries?”
“I think she fell and hit her head…I’m not sure I just found her and” I held the phone away so the woman wouldn’t hear me choke.
“Okay hon, its going to be okay. Did she hit the front or back of her head?”
“I don’t know….I don’t know…” I put my head in my available hand. It felt hard to breath. I couldn’t lose her, she’s too young, I’m too young, I love her.
“Okay, the ambulance should be here soon are you going to be okay?”
“Y-yeah” No, I wanted to scream. I can’t live without her. I wanted to die. I’m the human, she’s so much better than me. I deserve this, not her. The woman hung up. I went back to Autumn, the three girls were crying and holding her, stroking her hair and face. I took her hand, it was like ice. I whispered ‘I love you’ in her ear and held her until the ambulance came and took her away.