Categories > Celebrities > My Chemical Romance > Awake
PAIN.
Fire and shrapnel and bullets and razors, burning and biting and slicing and tearing. I wish I could die.
Strange. Isn’t death supposed to be painless? Doesn’t everything disappear behind the clouds of the afterworld, leaving you floating an eternal high where you can laugh at the pitiful woes of the mortals who roam below you? That seems a lovely place right about now with the way my heart is ripping it’s way through any ribs that haven’t already been shattered by those steel toed boots I can still feel smashing into my side. My skin shriveling from my bones until it’s unrecognizable in the pile of ashes left behind, my bones exposed to the saw that’s severing them like a child with a pair of scissors. There can’t be anything left and yet the pain continues, growing worse as the seconds pass instead of lessening.
Stars brighter than any night sky I can ever remember seeing float before my eyes, their colors sharp enough to send a new throb ricocheting through my scrambled head, the stars bouncing off each other, the crash a great thunder resonating as their dazzling sparks start the entire process over again so that I’m dizzy with the sounds and lights existing behind my eyes, and opening them seems like an almost viable option just to escape the agonizing fireworks.
Wait. I can open my eyes. Does that make me less dead?
Terror rips along my broken spine, blistering its very own path of destruction as a realization is made, a sad reality that shouldn’t exist, an abomination after everything.
I’m not dead.
My lungs only too happy to convince me further of this truth drag heavy air in, my battered chest rising and falling excruciatingly, my heart still hammering happily away.
Anger.
Pain is momentarily forgotten as a new kind of fire scorches. Why am I still alive? Why couldn’t that monster do it properly and kill me like I’d planned, like I’d prepared? Fury raged through my veins, the stars hurtling themselves at each other with vivacity and I wish I could crash and burn as easily.
I feel feverish inside of my burning head, thoughts bordering on sweet delirium, an insanity that I’m praying for in this last moments of unconsciousness, a weak excuse for the death I had so fervently begged for.
Sound reaches me just beyond the nightmare, unclear and unwanted and I wish it would stop. Just like everything else it does the exact opposite, unintelligible noise getting louder, an attempt to drag me from my crashing stars, from my aching pain, my sweet delirium and I want none of it. I only want silence. I only wanted death. Was it too much to ask?
“Wake up you stupid bitch, I know I didn’t kill you, I checked.”
If I stay absolutely still, if I hold my breath, if I could just convince my heart to quiet down, maybe the Noise would go away. Maybe I could lie in the seamless silence a while longer. I’m not ready for life again; it really wasn’t that great the first time around. There’s too much pain in life, too many people who just want to lie and hurt you and make you believe things that aren’t true and too much noise. Just let me go back to sleep and don’t wake me up.
“If you don’t get up I’m going to make you wish you were dead.”
Too late. I’ve already made that wish, it didn’t come true, the monster made sure of that. I want to scream this at him, tear at his perfect blue eyes that hold nothing but evilness behind them, the eyes that lead to no soul, but I don’t. I stay perfectly still, trying not to breath and hoping my heart will stop beating like a drum, rattling my broken ribs that are still tearing their way through my pale, thin skin, shredding their way through anything that dare stand against them.
I’m too enveloped in my pain, too wrapped around it to hear the new Noise, the door that slams open, the feet on stairs, pounding their way through the wood that’s too old to take that kind of abuse, the scream that scratches its way out of the throat it was barely constricted to, the growl that follows, but I do catch one sound. It’s the one I dream about, the one I longed for, the one I ran from, the one that could rip my eyes open and bring me back into Life.
“No Kaelin! Not her…you fucking bastard!”
I can’t see right away, the light is too bright, my eyes too filled with tears I didn’t agree to shed. Half my fingers wipe at them desperately, only vaguely aware that the other five lay immobile by my side and I’m barely ignoring the pain still happily mincing me into tiny bit sized pieces, my eyes searching out the voice that brought me back to life, the olive that will look at me and have all the pieces of my broken body fall back into place, whose inscribed fingers will touch me and heal all the pain, whose lopsided smile will tattoo a partner across my own lips.
There’s other noise, I’m sure of it, sounds that my ears can’t heed because they’re still filled with his voice and it’s the only thing they are attuned to, it’s the only frequency they pick up, so my eyes just keep searching through the haze, his image the only one I ever want to see again.
Target acquired except this isn’t what I was expecting to see. Tattooed arms that suddenly look too thin, too frail, struggling beneath the monster, who towers over him, who towers over everyone and my radio Frank ears catch more of their favorite station.
“You fucker! I’ll fucking kill you, I swear, I’ll fucking kill you!” My heart’s beating faster and it might just escape the broken cage, so I grab a hold of it, keeping it in place as I keep staring at the scene in front of me. The scenes and the lines don’t match up, someone must have edited this scene because the hero doesn’t lose, the good guys always win, but the way Frank’s arms are moving slower and his face turning red, his eyes far away and I can’t catch the gleaming emeralds that live there, it looks like he’s losing and that’s not in the script. Nobody would watch that movie.
I want to scream for a director to stop this scene because they’re doing it all wrong, but there’s no one around except for my dying hero and the evil villain whose going to win. He’s going to kill Frankie and I already died to save him.
Except, I didn’t die.
I struggle to my knees, my head spinning with the pain that almost makes it all fall black again, the stars erupting in front of my eyes again and I have to breath through my nose, my teeth grinding together and I’m sure they’ll break, so I just pull myself along on my knees and my hands until I get there and I’m breathing so hard I’m surprised that they haven’t noticed me.
The cabinet door opens practically without me, like in my dreams, except this isn’t a dream, though it’s close to a nightmare, and I’m not going to wake up in Frankie’s arms if I don’t move faster, so my hand reaches in, closing in around the cold that temporarily freezes my trembling fingers before I pull it out, my teeth clenched even harder as I use my numb arm to pull me up against the pale wood, bracing my hip against it before pushing myself off, wobbling unsteadily on feet that aren’t ready to be used.
“Stop.” One syllable but olive and sapphire are on me, surprise and anger so bright it reminds me of the stars just waiting behind my eyes, still crashing and colliding as I sway, the cold out in front of me. Steel is steady considering the way my whole body is shaking like I’m an earthquake, all the broken pieces rattling their way out of the crushed cage, escaping me because I don’t have a free hand to hold them together and still they’re staring at me.
“What do you think you’re going to do with that sweetheart? You don’t even know how to use it.” His sneer is the fuel to the fire that I thought had been extinguished in the dark, lights it back up until it’s raging, smoldering me and I’m wondering how I don’t just burst into flames.
“Let him go.” Ice cold chuckle grates against my ears, my eyes narrowed on his, my fingers pulling back as his fist reaches back, the momentum already carrying it forwards, towards the green eyes that are slightly unfocused as they stare at me, oblivious and torn with fear, and I know time is up.
I don’t hear the resounding crack; don’t see the way his body falls backwards, a graceful arc that tumbles to the floor, pale blue staring at the ceiling, unseeing forever. I don’t feel the way my body lurches backwards, my hip slamming roughly into the pale wood that catches me in it’s arms. My fingers don’t feel the release of metal as it falls to the carpet in abandonment with a soft plunk.
I only know I’m shaking harder than should be possible and that my eyes are wide and my jaw unhinged, surely shattering upon the floor, because I no longer have the ability to speak words. Unintelligible sounds, yes, but not words because the monster’s lying there and he’s not moving and there’s blood, more blood than there should be and it’s not stopping and there’s warm arms wrapping themselves around me as my legs give out and there’s only the stars that crash into each other creating my own private fireworks show.
-----
So despite the lack of reviews. coughcough I still updated. I think that deserves some kind of reward, like...MORE REVIEWS!
Come on kids, this story is coming to a close and the dwindling reviews make me sad. Nobody wants a sad author, they do stupid shit like killing off their main characters.
REVIEW.
Cheers
Kat
Fire and shrapnel and bullets and razors, burning and biting and slicing and tearing. I wish I could die.
Strange. Isn’t death supposed to be painless? Doesn’t everything disappear behind the clouds of the afterworld, leaving you floating an eternal high where you can laugh at the pitiful woes of the mortals who roam below you? That seems a lovely place right about now with the way my heart is ripping it’s way through any ribs that haven’t already been shattered by those steel toed boots I can still feel smashing into my side. My skin shriveling from my bones until it’s unrecognizable in the pile of ashes left behind, my bones exposed to the saw that’s severing them like a child with a pair of scissors. There can’t be anything left and yet the pain continues, growing worse as the seconds pass instead of lessening.
Stars brighter than any night sky I can ever remember seeing float before my eyes, their colors sharp enough to send a new throb ricocheting through my scrambled head, the stars bouncing off each other, the crash a great thunder resonating as their dazzling sparks start the entire process over again so that I’m dizzy with the sounds and lights existing behind my eyes, and opening them seems like an almost viable option just to escape the agonizing fireworks.
Wait. I can open my eyes. Does that make me less dead?
Terror rips along my broken spine, blistering its very own path of destruction as a realization is made, a sad reality that shouldn’t exist, an abomination after everything.
I’m not dead.
My lungs only too happy to convince me further of this truth drag heavy air in, my battered chest rising and falling excruciatingly, my heart still hammering happily away.
Anger.
Pain is momentarily forgotten as a new kind of fire scorches. Why am I still alive? Why couldn’t that monster do it properly and kill me like I’d planned, like I’d prepared? Fury raged through my veins, the stars hurtling themselves at each other with vivacity and I wish I could crash and burn as easily.
I feel feverish inside of my burning head, thoughts bordering on sweet delirium, an insanity that I’m praying for in this last moments of unconsciousness, a weak excuse for the death I had so fervently begged for.
Sound reaches me just beyond the nightmare, unclear and unwanted and I wish it would stop. Just like everything else it does the exact opposite, unintelligible noise getting louder, an attempt to drag me from my crashing stars, from my aching pain, my sweet delirium and I want none of it. I only want silence. I only wanted death. Was it too much to ask?
“Wake up you stupid bitch, I know I didn’t kill you, I checked.”
If I stay absolutely still, if I hold my breath, if I could just convince my heart to quiet down, maybe the Noise would go away. Maybe I could lie in the seamless silence a while longer. I’m not ready for life again; it really wasn’t that great the first time around. There’s too much pain in life, too many people who just want to lie and hurt you and make you believe things that aren’t true and too much noise. Just let me go back to sleep and don’t wake me up.
“If you don’t get up I’m going to make you wish you were dead.”
Too late. I’ve already made that wish, it didn’t come true, the monster made sure of that. I want to scream this at him, tear at his perfect blue eyes that hold nothing but evilness behind them, the eyes that lead to no soul, but I don’t. I stay perfectly still, trying not to breath and hoping my heart will stop beating like a drum, rattling my broken ribs that are still tearing their way through my pale, thin skin, shredding their way through anything that dare stand against them.
I’m too enveloped in my pain, too wrapped around it to hear the new Noise, the door that slams open, the feet on stairs, pounding their way through the wood that’s too old to take that kind of abuse, the scream that scratches its way out of the throat it was barely constricted to, the growl that follows, but I do catch one sound. It’s the one I dream about, the one I longed for, the one I ran from, the one that could rip my eyes open and bring me back into Life.
“No Kaelin! Not her…you fucking bastard!”
I can’t see right away, the light is too bright, my eyes too filled with tears I didn’t agree to shed. Half my fingers wipe at them desperately, only vaguely aware that the other five lay immobile by my side and I’m barely ignoring the pain still happily mincing me into tiny bit sized pieces, my eyes searching out the voice that brought me back to life, the olive that will look at me and have all the pieces of my broken body fall back into place, whose inscribed fingers will touch me and heal all the pain, whose lopsided smile will tattoo a partner across my own lips.
There’s other noise, I’m sure of it, sounds that my ears can’t heed because they’re still filled with his voice and it’s the only thing they are attuned to, it’s the only frequency they pick up, so my eyes just keep searching through the haze, his image the only one I ever want to see again.
Target acquired except this isn’t what I was expecting to see. Tattooed arms that suddenly look too thin, too frail, struggling beneath the monster, who towers over him, who towers over everyone and my radio Frank ears catch more of their favorite station.
“You fucker! I’ll fucking kill you, I swear, I’ll fucking kill you!” My heart’s beating faster and it might just escape the broken cage, so I grab a hold of it, keeping it in place as I keep staring at the scene in front of me. The scenes and the lines don’t match up, someone must have edited this scene because the hero doesn’t lose, the good guys always win, but the way Frank’s arms are moving slower and his face turning red, his eyes far away and I can’t catch the gleaming emeralds that live there, it looks like he’s losing and that’s not in the script. Nobody would watch that movie.
I want to scream for a director to stop this scene because they’re doing it all wrong, but there’s no one around except for my dying hero and the evil villain whose going to win. He’s going to kill Frankie and I already died to save him.
Except, I didn’t die.
I struggle to my knees, my head spinning with the pain that almost makes it all fall black again, the stars erupting in front of my eyes again and I have to breath through my nose, my teeth grinding together and I’m sure they’ll break, so I just pull myself along on my knees and my hands until I get there and I’m breathing so hard I’m surprised that they haven’t noticed me.
The cabinet door opens practically without me, like in my dreams, except this isn’t a dream, though it’s close to a nightmare, and I’m not going to wake up in Frankie’s arms if I don’t move faster, so my hand reaches in, closing in around the cold that temporarily freezes my trembling fingers before I pull it out, my teeth clenched even harder as I use my numb arm to pull me up against the pale wood, bracing my hip against it before pushing myself off, wobbling unsteadily on feet that aren’t ready to be used.
“Stop.” One syllable but olive and sapphire are on me, surprise and anger so bright it reminds me of the stars just waiting behind my eyes, still crashing and colliding as I sway, the cold out in front of me. Steel is steady considering the way my whole body is shaking like I’m an earthquake, all the broken pieces rattling their way out of the crushed cage, escaping me because I don’t have a free hand to hold them together and still they’re staring at me.
“What do you think you’re going to do with that sweetheart? You don’t even know how to use it.” His sneer is the fuel to the fire that I thought had been extinguished in the dark, lights it back up until it’s raging, smoldering me and I’m wondering how I don’t just burst into flames.
“Let him go.” Ice cold chuckle grates against my ears, my eyes narrowed on his, my fingers pulling back as his fist reaches back, the momentum already carrying it forwards, towards the green eyes that are slightly unfocused as they stare at me, oblivious and torn with fear, and I know time is up.
I don’t hear the resounding crack; don’t see the way his body falls backwards, a graceful arc that tumbles to the floor, pale blue staring at the ceiling, unseeing forever. I don’t feel the way my body lurches backwards, my hip slamming roughly into the pale wood that catches me in it’s arms. My fingers don’t feel the release of metal as it falls to the carpet in abandonment with a soft plunk.
I only know I’m shaking harder than should be possible and that my eyes are wide and my jaw unhinged, surely shattering upon the floor, because I no longer have the ability to speak words. Unintelligible sounds, yes, but not words because the monster’s lying there and he’s not moving and there’s blood, more blood than there should be and it’s not stopping and there’s warm arms wrapping themselves around me as my legs give out and there’s only the stars that crash into each other creating my own private fireworks show.
-----
So despite the lack of reviews. coughcough I still updated. I think that deserves some kind of reward, like...MORE REVIEWS!
Come on kids, this story is coming to a close and the dwindling reviews make me sad. Nobody wants a sad author, they do stupid shit like killing off their main characters.
REVIEW.
Cheers
Kat
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