Categories > Celebrities > My Chemical Romance > Your Guardian Angel
13. The Collision of Your Kiss
What is it about getting your heart broken that makes things look a little different? I hadn’t looked in a mirror for days, but I’m sure I looked horrible. The snow wasn’t pretty anymore; I was sick of seeing it. My jeans were soaked up to the knees as I tramped through it all the way to school. The weather wasn’t bad enough for a snow day. People scared me more than usual; I didn’t talk and I didn’t make eye contact. My grades were suffering and it wouldn’t be long before someone contacted my mom. And I wasn’t in an explaining mood, either. I looked up and saw that light gray clouds covered everything; there wasn’t a sun anymore. I start to see the school through the fog and my heart drops to my stomach like it had been doing the past few weeks. Mikey and Ray still sat with me in my classes, and Victoria still joined us at lunch. I had, however, dropped out of art. There was no way I could avoid him in the art room, especially when all of the work that he made (and I had told him was beautiful) was hung up on the walls. This now placed me in none of his classes other than the inevitable lunch. I decided to take gym and get it out of the way. All the study halls were full anyways.
The four story building had never looked so ominous. I silently walk into math, sitting through another lecture that didn’t mean anything to me. I get pulled back at the bell, and have a “talk” with the teacher about my 40% in his class. I nod when I need to, and scurry out the door when he appears to be done. Next is gym, where I run laps around the track until the gym teacher wills me to get my grades up so I can join the track team in spring. Right. Popular people are on track. Their star runner is Olivia (gag). I stop running at once and feign being cold, wordlessly. The genderless teacher sends me inside where I can stop catching something contagious. The bell rings and I go to social studies. Another lecture class, I try to fall asleep. The teacher’s voice is too high and too loud to make that happen, so I take out a pen and write a note to Victoria. She had been concerned; I hadn’t told anyone what happened at Gerard’s house. I’m guessing that Gerard didn’t either, because Mikey was worried as well. I wrote everything that had happened, including trying to jump off the top of the hospital. I slipped it to her during lunch, the period another reminder that Gerard didn’t want to see me anymore. Not that I wanted to see him either, but still…
He sat with Olivia now. My replacement. But I looked at him, and he didn’t smile, didn’t laugh at her jokes. He held her hand loosely as she periodically kissed his cheek. I was disgusted by all of it. I was never like that, was I? Maybe with Erik…but I’d learned my lesson with him.
I was fourteen, he was sixteen or seventeen, I couldn’t tell. I thought he was just a human, a messed up kid that needed help. He wasn’t hard to fall for, deep blue eyes and a mop of brown curls on his head, far from unattractive. Then I thought I could trust him. I turned fifteen and he said he wanted to marry me, to spend the rest of his life with me. He trusted me with everything, he said. Erik was the only person whose mind I couldn’t read, so I figured I could tell him the truth, that I could trust him. I told him who I was, what I was. Then two days later, mistaken for an angel, my father was dead.
I shook off the memory and glanced back up. I met Mikey’s eyes; he blushed and looked down quickly. Victoria, done with the note, looked like she was searching for the right words to say.
“I’m concerned” I pull at the scab on my wrist and Ray mumbles something like ‘don’t do that…’
“Okay…About what?” It was hard for a girl with bright purple hair and neon blue combat boots to make people take her seriously. But I could tell that she wanted me to listen to her, I had never seen her look so calm.
“About the whole ‘I hate Gerard’ thing you’re pulling…I know you still love him, it’s written all over your face.” Mikey slid down in his seat a little, and I could feel my face flush slightly.
“So what if I do…? He has Olivia there’s nothing I can do now.” I was silently praying she wouldn’t make a scene; she tended to do that when she was hung-over.
“Are you blind? He obviously doesn’t love her as much as he loved you…as much as he loves you…” I shook my head.
“I’m so stupid…I shouldn’t have dumped him…”
“So why don’t you just tell him that?” I was extremely frustrated. Victoria wasn’t normally this thick-headed.
“Because I told him to find someone else! Because I gave up on him!” I exploded, half the cafeteria now staring at me. Victoria looked like she was going to cry and kick me in the face at the same time, Mikey was completely hidden behind a text book, and Ray was absentmindedly staring off into space. I glanced quickly towards Gerard’s table: he was standing up and staring right at me. This was too much. I ran out of the lunch room as fast as my legs could carry me. All I could think was trying to escape. Just one more hall way, a few more feet. I could see the doors and Mr. Vivendi, the damn art teacher, appears out of no where. I stop so fast I almost skid right into the wall.
“What’s the hurry, Autumn?” He has his hands in his pockets, like one of his favourite hobbies is casually wandering the halls, looking for an excuse to write detentions.
“N-nothing, sir. Just not feeling well. Was going to walk home.” He eyed me suspiciously.
“That’s the fastest I’ve ever seen a sick person sprint. I think you’re hiding something.” I lock my jaw, wishing more than anything to rip off the smirk forming on his face.
“Well, anyways, you need to stop by the art room after school. All of your…artwork, if you could call it that, is in the cabinet. No use holding onto something that isn’t worth anything, right?” This man’s sarcasm was too much. The bell rings and I drag myself to English, at least the day was almost over. The last three periods pass like minutes to me. I stopped briefly at my locker, and then dragged myself to the art room. I dreaded this, because I knew Gerard spent his afternoons in the studio, working on his latest masterpiece and whatnot. I push the door open as quietly as possible, and, as expected, he’s crouched over a sketchpad drawing feverishly. I sneak behind him, grabbing my folder and try to slink back out. But something catches me: he was singing. There was something different about his voice, it wasn’t beautiful but it had a quality to it that made you want to keep listening. He was so soft when he sang, at least now he was, so that I had to stop and pay attention to catch what he was saying.
“Way down, mark the grave
Where the search lights find us
Drinking by the mausoleum door
And they found you on the bathroom floor” He paused, wiped his face, and sang louder this time.
“I miss you, I miss you so fa-a-ar
And the collision of your kiss that made it so ha-a-a-ard”
I turned away from the door and walked up to him, wanting to comfort him even if it was just a little bit. He was crying and singing, it was the saddest thing I’d ever witnessed. But did I need anything more obvious? He was literally screaming that he missed me, that he wanted me back. It killed me that I couldn’t reveal my presence.
“Back home, off the run
Singing songs that make you slit your wrists
It isn't that much fun, staring down a loaded gun
So I won't stop dying, won't stop lying
If you want I'll keep on crying
Did you get what you deserve?
Is this what you always want me for?”
I broke away from my conscience and put my hand on his shoulder. He jumped a mile, and got up off the stool. His eyes pierced me, like I had invaded on something private. He tried to hide his misery as he turned and hastily packed up his art supplies. Saddened, I wrapped my arms around him from behind and put my head on his shoulder. My folder slips from my fingers and my hand finds his.
“You shouldn’t be here,” he whispered. “She’ll be here any minute.” Relentless, he squeezed my hand tighter. He turned around again in my arms and put his hands on my face. I was giving my everything not to cry right then and there.
“Gerard please…wait…” He gave a weak smile.
“Haven’t I waited long enough?” His thumb rubbed the back of my neck softly; his face was less than an inch away from mine. I wasn’t ready, I couldn’t do this. His nose brushed mine and our lips touched. Tears spilled out of my closed eyes and he wiped them away quickly, his hand not hesitating to linger on my face. His mouth opened and he consumed my fear. Any doubt I had up until that point was gone. But I realized then how awkward this must have been. Mid-kiss, I broke away, suddenly self-aware.
“I…I’m sorry…” I wrung my hands nervously, my back facing him.
“No…Autumn, can’t we just…” His arms were around me again, his lips against the back of my head.
“Just what Gerard?” I wasn’t in the mood for this. My heart couldn’t take this much longer.
“Just be together?” I pulled his arms away gently. I hated this, whatever ‘this’ was...
“I can’t.” I crossed my arms and backed up slightly.
“Will you listen? Please? I know you don’t want us to be together, and I know you think it’s because we’re…different. But I love you. I’ve loved you since I saw you. I could care less if you aren’t human…or aren’t completely human anyways. If anything I love you more for it. Please don’t give up on me yet. I don’t care about Olivia, how many times has she saved my life? Autumn, I hope you’re hearing at least a little bit of this, because it is all true. Will you take me back?” I was speechless. How could I dump him-more than once too- and he still loves me? I had to be crazy to turn him down again.
“Autumn?” I looked at my toes. The muscles in my mouth weren’t working; my vocal chords had frozen entirely. The door creaked and we both jumped a little.
“G-Bear? Oh there you are sweetie! I’ve been looking ALL over for you!” Olivia skipped in, breaking the icy atmosphere in the room. Her long, shiny brown hair bounced when she walked, she could have easily been a model if she wanted to. He held her for a moment, but his eyes never broke their gaze. Just as she led him out of the art room, I couldn’t hold the silence anymore.
“Gerard? Wait!” He stopped, Olivia looking incredibly confused.
“Yes…yes I will!”
What is it about getting your heart broken that makes things look a little different? I hadn’t looked in a mirror for days, but I’m sure I looked horrible. The snow wasn’t pretty anymore; I was sick of seeing it. My jeans were soaked up to the knees as I tramped through it all the way to school. The weather wasn’t bad enough for a snow day. People scared me more than usual; I didn’t talk and I didn’t make eye contact. My grades were suffering and it wouldn’t be long before someone contacted my mom. And I wasn’t in an explaining mood, either. I looked up and saw that light gray clouds covered everything; there wasn’t a sun anymore. I start to see the school through the fog and my heart drops to my stomach like it had been doing the past few weeks. Mikey and Ray still sat with me in my classes, and Victoria still joined us at lunch. I had, however, dropped out of art. There was no way I could avoid him in the art room, especially when all of the work that he made (and I had told him was beautiful) was hung up on the walls. This now placed me in none of his classes other than the inevitable lunch. I decided to take gym and get it out of the way. All the study halls were full anyways.
The four story building had never looked so ominous. I silently walk into math, sitting through another lecture that didn’t mean anything to me. I get pulled back at the bell, and have a “talk” with the teacher about my 40% in his class. I nod when I need to, and scurry out the door when he appears to be done. Next is gym, where I run laps around the track until the gym teacher wills me to get my grades up so I can join the track team in spring. Right. Popular people are on track. Their star runner is Olivia (gag). I stop running at once and feign being cold, wordlessly. The genderless teacher sends me inside where I can stop catching something contagious. The bell rings and I go to social studies. Another lecture class, I try to fall asleep. The teacher’s voice is too high and too loud to make that happen, so I take out a pen and write a note to Victoria. She had been concerned; I hadn’t told anyone what happened at Gerard’s house. I’m guessing that Gerard didn’t either, because Mikey was worried as well. I wrote everything that had happened, including trying to jump off the top of the hospital. I slipped it to her during lunch, the period another reminder that Gerard didn’t want to see me anymore. Not that I wanted to see him either, but still…
He sat with Olivia now. My replacement. But I looked at him, and he didn’t smile, didn’t laugh at her jokes. He held her hand loosely as she periodically kissed his cheek. I was disgusted by all of it. I was never like that, was I? Maybe with Erik…but I’d learned my lesson with him.
I was fourteen, he was sixteen or seventeen, I couldn’t tell. I thought he was just a human, a messed up kid that needed help. He wasn’t hard to fall for, deep blue eyes and a mop of brown curls on his head, far from unattractive. Then I thought I could trust him. I turned fifteen and he said he wanted to marry me, to spend the rest of his life with me. He trusted me with everything, he said. Erik was the only person whose mind I couldn’t read, so I figured I could tell him the truth, that I could trust him. I told him who I was, what I was. Then two days later, mistaken for an angel, my father was dead.
I shook off the memory and glanced back up. I met Mikey’s eyes; he blushed and looked down quickly. Victoria, done with the note, looked like she was searching for the right words to say.
“I’m concerned” I pull at the scab on my wrist and Ray mumbles something like ‘don’t do that…’
“Okay…About what?” It was hard for a girl with bright purple hair and neon blue combat boots to make people take her seriously. But I could tell that she wanted me to listen to her, I had never seen her look so calm.
“About the whole ‘I hate Gerard’ thing you’re pulling…I know you still love him, it’s written all over your face.” Mikey slid down in his seat a little, and I could feel my face flush slightly.
“So what if I do…? He has Olivia there’s nothing I can do now.” I was silently praying she wouldn’t make a scene; she tended to do that when she was hung-over.
“Are you blind? He obviously doesn’t love her as much as he loved you…as much as he loves you…” I shook my head.
“I’m so stupid…I shouldn’t have dumped him…”
“So why don’t you just tell him that?” I was extremely frustrated. Victoria wasn’t normally this thick-headed.
“Because I told him to find someone else! Because I gave up on him!” I exploded, half the cafeteria now staring at me. Victoria looked like she was going to cry and kick me in the face at the same time, Mikey was completely hidden behind a text book, and Ray was absentmindedly staring off into space. I glanced quickly towards Gerard’s table: he was standing up and staring right at me. This was too much. I ran out of the lunch room as fast as my legs could carry me. All I could think was trying to escape. Just one more hall way, a few more feet. I could see the doors and Mr. Vivendi, the damn art teacher, appears out of no where. I stop so fast I almost skid right into the wall.
“What’s the hurry, Autumn?” He has his hands in his pockets, like one of his favourite hobbies is casually wandering the halls, looking for an excuse to write detentions.
“N-nothing, sir. Just not feeling well. Was going to walk home.” He eyed me suspiciously.
“That’s the fastest I’ve ever seen a sick person sprint. I think you’re hiding something.” I lock my jaw, wishing more than anything to rip off the smirk forming on his face.
“Well, anyways, you need to stop by the art room after school. All of your…artwork, if you could call it that, is in the cabinet. No use holding onto something that isn’t worth anything, right?” This man’s sarcasm was too much. The bell rings and I drag myself to English, at least the day was almost over. The last three periods pass like minutes to me. I stopped briefly at my locker, and then dragged myself to the art room. I dreaded this, because I knew Gerard spent his afternoons in the studio, working on his latest masterpiece and whatnot. I push the door open as quietly as possible, and, as expected, he’s crouched over a sketchpad drawing feverishly. I sneak behind him, grabbing my folder and try to slink back out. But something catches me: he was singing. There was something different about his voice, it wasn’t beautiful but it had a quality to it that made you want to keep listening. He was so soft when he sang, at least now he was, so that I had to stop and pay attention to catch what he was saying.
“Way down, mark the grave
Where the search lights find us
Drinking by the mausoleum door
And they found you on the bathroom floor” He paused, wiped his face, and sang louder this time.
“I miss you, I miss you so fa-a-ar
And the collision of your kiss that made it so ha-a-a-ard”
I turned away from the door and walked up to him, wanting to comfort him even if it was just a little bit. He was crying and singing, it was the saddest thing I’d ever witnessed. But did I need anything more obvious? He was literally screaming that he missed me, that he wanted me back. It killed me that I couldn’t reveal my presence.
“Back home, off the run
Singing songs that make you slit your wrists
It isn't that much fun, staring down a loaded gun
So I won't stop dying, won't stop lying
If you want I'll keep on crying
Did you get what you deserve?
Is this what you always want me for?”
I broke away from my conscience and put my hand on his shoulder. He jumped a mile, and got up off the stool. His eyes pierced me, like I had invaded on something private. He tried to hide his misery as he turned and hastily packed up his art supplies. Saddened, I wrapped my arms around him from behind and put my head on his shoulder. My folder slips from my fingers and my hand finds his.
“You shouldn’t be here,” he whispered. “She’ll be here any minute.” Relentless, he squeezed my hand tighter. He turned around again in my arms and put his hands on my face. I was giving my everything not to cry right then and there.
“Gerard please…wait…” He gave a weak smile.
“Haven’t I waited long enough?” His thumb rubbed the back of my neck softly; his face was less than an inch away from mine. I wasn’t ready, I couldn’t do this. His nose brushed mine and our lips touched. Tears spilled out of my closed eyes and he wiped them away quickly, his hand not hesitating to linger on my face. His mouth opened and he consumed my fear. Any doubt I had up until that point was gone. But I realized then how awkward this must have been. Mid-kiss, I broke away, suddenly self-aware.
“I…I’m sorry…” I wrung my hands nervously, my back facing him.
“No…Autumn, can’t we just…” His arms were around me again, his lips against the back of my head.
“Just what Gerard?” I wasn’t in the mood for this. My heart couldn’t take this much longer.
“Just be together?” I pulled his arms away gently. I hated this, whatever ‘this’ was...
“I can’t.” I crossed my arms and backed up slightly.
“Will you listen? Please? I know you don’t want us to be together, and I know you think it’s because we’re…different. But I love you. I’ve loved you since I saw you. I could care less if you aren’t human…or aren’t completely human anyways. If anything I love you more for it. Please don’t give up on me yet. I don’t care about Olivia, how many times has she saved my life? Autumn, I hope you’re hearing at least a little bit of this, because it is all true. Will you take me back?” I was speechless. How could I dump him-more than once too- and he still loves me? I had to be crazy to turn him down again.
“Autumn?” I looked at my toes. The muscles in my mouth weren’t working; my vocal chords had frozen entirely. The door creaked and we both jumped a little.
“G-Bear? Oh there you are sweetie! I’ve been looking ALL over for you!” Olivia skipped in, breaking the icy atmosphere in the room. Her long, shiny brown hair bounced when she walked, she could have easily been a model if she wanted to. He held her for a moment, but his eyes never broke their gaze. Just as she led him out of the art room, I couldn’t hold the silence anymore.
“Gerard? Wait!” He stopped, Olivia looking incredibly confused.
“Yes…yes I will!”
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