Categories > Celebrities > My Chemical Romance > How To Bang Miley Cyrus by Gerard Way

Rule #5

by WtfItsMe 1 review

Rule #5: Break into the target’s crap to find out all that stuff you need to know.

Category: My Chemical Romance - Rating: R - Genres:  - Characters: Bob Bryar,Frank Iero,Gerard Way,Mikey Way,Ray Toro - Published: 2008-09-28 - Updated: 2008-09-29 - 3027 words


Rule #5

“AAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!! GET IT OFF, GET IT OFF, GET IT OFF, GET IT OOOOFFFFFFFFF!!!!”, I screamed like a crazy person.

“BOO! I have come to suck your soul and give you the kiss of death! Dance, minion, dance! Do the funky chicken very very fast!”, ordered a familiar voice, but I was too shocked to realize it.

“Okay, Okay, evil bunny! I will do it! Don’t smite me! I’ll do anything!”, I said between sobs.

I’m sure everyone within a 5 mile radius could hear me. Quite clearly, actually. People laughing were my proof.

As I was doing the little dance that Frank the evil bunny ordered, I looked behind me to see my good old pal, Frank, in hysterics.


“Wait! Catch that evil bunny! I now have proof to show the world! I told you they were evil! No! Don’t go away!”

“I will come back next time to strike at your brain! Mwahahahaaha!!!”, words obviously escaping from Frank’s mouth.

“Woah..Wha-… Wait! That was you?! What the hell!”, I asked.

“Haha, evil bunnies. There are no such things, Gerard. I’ve told you a trillion times!:, said Frank.

“Didn’t you see those demon eyes?! They look so perfect, but when you rip them open, you’ll wish you were never born!”, I exclaimed.

“Your nose has been in way too many fantasy stories. Calm down!”, Frank stated.

“Well, first of all, why weren’t you in school! You’re late.”, I said.

“Oh yeah! I really want to go to Earth Science class. We talk about rocks! How fascinating! And you also did not pick me up from my house today! You made me ride my bike today! It’s not even a bike, it’s my cousin’s Dora the Explorer tricycle!”, explained Frank.

“Hah! You were too slow, and on the plus side, I saved gas. And you know, running woulda been faster than a tricycle. God, your so stupid.”, I stated.

“I’m stupid? You’re stupid for thinking you saved gas. No wonder Mikey tutors you. I see you missed out on getting some smart genes.”, said Frank.

“Hah. At least I’m cool! Wanna go to McDonald’s? I’m starving and I just got kicked out of Chemistry. I’ll explain that you were in need of help and I saved you later so we won’t get detention or anything.”, I explained.

“Sweeet! Come let’s go! Woo!”, said an excited Frank.

As soon as we were about to leave school property, the old hag, I mean principal, came out.

Just perfect.

“Oh great! Why must people ruin things?!”, I exclaimed.

“It’s kind of hard, Gerard, not have caught you sneaking out of school. First of all, you were singing Britney Spears number one hits as loud as possible whilst leaving the school. Second, I like watching you, ‘cause I must admit, you are very entertaining!”, said the principal.

“That’s why I always feel watched at school! I can sue you for that! Hah!”, I said.

“No, actually, you can’t. Tell your brother to tutor you on law principals as well. You, Mr.Way, need al the help you can get. And let me finish my nice list. Third, you were screaming hysterically about evil bunnies and your friend here was no help in making the situation worse by laughing like a buffoon!”, stated the principal with that bronze accent.

Goddamnit, I hate that bronze accent. I just wanna slap the shit outta her when I hear it!

“Hey! I’m not a baboon! Your mean!”, yelled Frank.

“Yes, I am a very mean person.. I haven’t had… oh never mind. Too obscene for you children.”, said Ms. Brown, also known as the principal.

“Tell me! Tell me!”, demanded Frank jumping up and down like a little child while I smacked with palm on my forehead. Stupid child.

“Marshmallows.”, answered Ms. Brown bluntly.

“Then go buy some! They’re only like two dollars a package at the supermarket!”, Frank suggested.

“No, no buffoon. The price rose and it pissed me off! You also cannot buy happiness.”, said Mrs. Brown.

“Goddamnit, Frank, you are such an idiot! Stop this conversation while you can. Please.”, I said.


“Now you children will serve one month of detention for-…”, said the principal while I cut her off screaming,”WHAT?! ONE MONTH?! I CAN’T DO THAT! AND MY PARENTS WILL GROUND ME WHEN THEY FIND OUT! NOT TO MENTION MY DAD MIGHT BEAT ME TO NEAR DEATH! JESUS CHRIST!”

“B-b-b-b-b-b-but, I’ll buy you marshmallows! And lollipops too!”, bribed Frank.
Oh my God. Stupid freshmen.

“I want your loll-… never mind. You will report to room 26 for detention for an hour after school everyday for the next month. Understood?”, asked Ms. Brown.

“You have no proof!”, I quickly stated.

There is no way in hell’s name I am going to get detention! I am a busy man!

“Oh I have proof!”, said Ray completely out of nowhere.

Actually we were conveniently next to the window of the chemistry lab, where Ray was, with a camcorder in his hand. Oh I hope he didn’t…

“I videotaped the whole thing! I agree with you, Ms. Brown. Gerard is a very entertaining person to watch. And the evil bunny bit with Frank was high-larious!”, said my EX-best friend, Ray stating what I hope he did not do.

“What?! What are you doing?! Friends help each other! No?”, I said.

“Yeah, you shoulda! That’s for not giving me a ride to school today. I had to take the bus! You know I don’t like it! The freshmen are annoying! Shit!”, Ray said.

“I was saving gas! Why don’t you people understand?!”,I asked.

“We all wait for you at your house! More people in your car does not equal more gas usage! Tell Mikey to tutor you in math!”, Ray shouted the statement which seemed like I had heard for the fiftieth time this morning.

“Oh my god. Whatever. I’ll just go back into school and wait till next period and go to class. Alright? No trouble.”, I explained.

“Alright. Just stay out of trouble. Okay? We will further discuss your punishment later”, said Ms. Brown.

“THERE’S MORE TO IT?! DAMMIT!”, I exclaimed.

“Watch your language. That will warrant you another detention.”, Ms. Brown corrected.
“Yfhdsigfjsakl. Hmph.”

Hmm. I have an idea. I have nothing to do for the next twenty minutes and what do I always do in my spare time? Work on that dare. I am going to raid Miley’s locker! It’s not like I’m gonna steal anything. Just getting to know her more. She can’t possibly be as vain as she looks on the outside. If she was, why would she have any friends?

Alright then! Miley’s locker! You know? This school should really get new locks for these lockers. If you pull on them really hard, they open. Hah. Cheap place.

“Hey! Whatcha doin’?! I thought your locker was on the other side of the school.”, said Frank.
“No, this isn’t my locker. I’m raiding Miley’s.”, I answered.

“Ohh! This has something to do with that dare isn’t it? You should just pay up and do the little dance. You aren’t gonna win. Must be outta your mind.”, replied Frank.

“I can too win! You best be getting ready for my dare and getting a job to pay me.”, I said.

“We’ll see. If you do actually complete this, I’ll be amazed. I never thought you’d want to lose your, you know v-card, to Miley. I wouldn’t!”, stated Frank.

Erg… That just made me twitch. In fact, I’m not a virgin. I had a girlfriend before. We were perfect, love at first sight type thing. Nothing wrong at all. Never fought. We’ve slept together without regret. One day she broke up with me. It was completely unexpected. I took notice that, yes, she was getting a little swallowed in the media and popular world slowly. She said that I was just not the one for her and I’m a nice guy, but I don’t meet her ‘standards.’ Then only after a week, she got another boyfriend! He was more of the popular, charismatic, conventional beauty type guy. Man, that killed me. I have kind of a different taste from a lot of people and I’m not too conventional.

She kinda broke it down to me gently on how she felt, but I didn’t feel like that was the whole truth. I was sure there was more to what she said, but she wanted to hide it. I never got over her. She knew that when I was upset or tearing a bit around her, it was because she broke up with me. She would give me a sympathetic look and then distance herself from me.
After awhile, she transferred schools because her mom got a new job in Maine. I guess I was always comforted by the thought that she was at least in the same area as me and we shared similar classes, so when she left I bawled like a baby who just lost his mother. I didn’t tell anyone why I cried, I locked myself in my room. Of course, there’s only one person that would notice something wrong. My little brother, so he’s the only one that knows about this. Of course my friends knew I and that girl broke up, but they didn’t know the whole story between us and they were nice in that they didn’t wanna pry.

So, it’s been about a year since we just separated and drifted away. We never kept in touch. Before she left, she put a note in my locker. I still have it and it’s under my mattress. It contains the last picture we ever took of us together that I never got the chance to see and her last goodbyes to me. She said that she really missed me, always loved me, and never regretted anything we’ve done together. I wanted to ask her why we broke up, but of course I finished reading the letter and she said she knew I would ask such a thing. Knew me all too well. So she explained that we were just not meant to be and she changed. Personally, I didn’t care if she changed. She still seemed like the girl I knew since we were 5.

“Hey, hey, Gerard, are you crying?”, asked Frank sympathetically.

Oh yeah. Heh, I guess I was tearing a little.

I just nodded no and of course that’s not a valid answer for him, for he asked, “Are you sure? Is it something I said? You seemed frozen for a minute and then you just teared a little.”

“I’m fine. It’s nothing big. I’ll tell you later maybe.”, I replied.

Of course he’s probably not going to remember to ask me later anyways.

“Alright then! Let’s do this thing! By the way, how the hell did you open that?”, Frank questioned.

“These locks are cheap. It was simple! Pull hard on it!”, I said.

“Oohh! Oh my god! Look at this!”, squealed Frank.

“What?! It’s just a pink sparkly locker! Well it’s much neater than yours so I can see-…”, I said as I was cut off.

“No! Look! The magazine! My mom won’t let me get it! Ahh! Mine!”, said Frank excitedly.
“What the… Playboy Magazine?! Of course your mother won’t let you get this! I can understand you wanting this, but why the hell would Miley have this?”, I questioned.
“Look, there’s tabs on it.”, said Frank.

‘How to be wanted’, ‘Are you good enough?’, ‘Do you meet standards?’, ‘Why guys might dump you’, were some of the pages that were tabbed by Miley. What the hell. Is she this into that crap? This never even works! It’s ridiculous!

“This girl is desperate. Where are her parents?! They let her get this junk?!”, I stated while waving my hands in the air.

“Hehehe, gimme this. I’ll meet you by the front hall when you’re done. Ohh la la…”, Frank said.

What a dummy. He wasn’t kicked outta class. He coulda gone.

Hmm. Ok, let’s raid the notebooks! There has got to be some little girly notes on there. They all got it.

Ooh! I found some!




More doodles.


‘Hey, Mikey, your so fine you blow my mind, hey mikey!...’ And the song continues.

What the!... Hehehe, nah. That’s a common name. It can’t be. Plus he’s got a girlfriend.


More hearts.

Hearts with the name ‘Mikey’ written in them.


There are more doodles and frilly notes than actually school notes in here!

“Ow!”, I screamed.

Damn, that bell is loud! I’m also standing right next to one.

Ok, ok. I gotta put this all away! Ahh! She’s coming!

Hurry, hurry.

“HEY! Were you looking in my locker without my permission, asshole?!”, asked an angry Miley.

Caught red handed. Dammit.

“Uhh… Err… No… Someone broke into it and I was fixing it up! Yeah… That’s it.”, I hastily answered.

“Mhm, sure they did. And you just happened to have taken my magazine taken and looking through all of my stuff.”, said Miley while inspecting the goods in her locker.

“It’s true!”, I said.

“Okay. Wanna do something to make it up to me, so I won’t go telling the principal?”, asked Miley.

“Why would I do anything for you?!”, I exclaimed.

“Because you need to or else I tell the principal and then you get into 3 months worth of detention.”

“Damn. That’s a long time. Alright fine. What is it?”, I asked.

“Nothing too hard. You see, I’m not doing too well in a few of my classes and I was wondering if you could get your brother to come over my house and tutor me. He tutors a few people I heard and he’s smart right?”, Miley said.

Oh my God… No way. No, no. She just wants to get help for school! That’s it.

“Hmm. Alright. I’ll tell him. He’ll come over to your house tomorrow around five o’clock. Good?”, I asked.

“Perfect. Hehehe. The only downside is I’ll possibly see more of you, won’t I?”, Miley stated.

Hehehe. How stupid was I to think she likes Mikey? Hah! She wants me.

“Oh baybeh! You know it’s a great thing. Toodles!”, I said.

“Uhh… Hehehe… You wish. And don’t call me babey. Ever, ever again. Or else I’ll have you prepare your grave and jump in it.”, Miley said with venom.

“Oh baybeh! Jump in with me!”, I yelled after her.

She just turned around and gave me a dirty look, oh what’s that? The finger? That’s nice and she mouthed to me ‘you’re dead.’

She’s such a pleasant girl! And she makes everything even easier than it already is. Preparing your own trap.

“MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! MWAHAHA! MWAHAHAAHAHAHA!”, I laughed as I exited the school I’m not going to second period. I’ll do what I want.

I’m a baaaaad boy.

“Ready, Gerard? McDonald’s right?! Can I get a toy?!”, Frank asked.

“Ready. And yes, you can get a toy, freshman. Got you’re get out of class excuses?”, I asked in return.

“Oh yes. I’m always prepared for that.”, Frank replied.

“Then let’s get the hell out!”, I yelled.

“Hey! Get back in here! I need a ride home and you are in trouble!”, said Mikey who was
apparently watching the whole scene.

“Argh!... No little boy, you are in trouble… Mwahahaha!!!!!!”, I said.

The fear in his eyes. Priceless.

“Umm… I’m going to go now. Have a nice day.”, Mikey said.

“You too. As much as possible, for when you go home, I am waiting for you.”, I said.

With that, he ran the hell outta the place like a scared mouse running away from a bird.

Rule #5: Break into the target’s crap to find out all that stuff you need to know.

Hello! :D

An update finally! I didn't think I was able to update today, but actually I just forced myself to sit down and write! I have a general overview of how the plot is going to be, but sometimes I don't know how to get it goin' . Hehe, but maybe I was just lazy.

As always, comments are appreciated and are very encouraging. ;D

Yay! School lightened up a little bit recently, so I might have an update for you guys tonight if you'd like! ;D
I actually wrote out a little bit of it. =D, so if you really want I'll spend my day just updating, cuz i'm kinda liking this story more now and i just had another idea for it. I also am magically free for the day xD I was going to update yesterday actually, but I decided to go to a fair, wake up late, and relax.

Oh, if you don't know, I ramble a lot. So if you don't feel like reading my rambles, although it might be prevalent to the story sometimes, you don't have to.

I was also wondering if i need new character in the story, so the next chapter might have a riddle or something that needs answering and you get a prize! :D
The prize is getting a part in the story if you find that fun to be in it. So this might be in the next chapter or in the next few. I'm not sure yet though. :D

ANYWAYS! Have a nice day and comment! xD
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