Categories > Celebrities > My Chemical Romance > But I Can't.
Hey reader. Hey hey hey. I'm so fucking happy at this moment in time. I've been listening to "The World Is Ugly" by My Chem for the past two days. It's beautiful, beautiful, beautiful. I've cried multiple times because I'm a loser! I don't know why but just recently the world has become so... real to me. I've been stuck in a ditch for so long. And I think I'm finally coming back up. And let me tell you, the world is so different then I remembered. The world IS ugly, but it's real, and I'm finally back on it.
Finch
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There was only one month left until summer. Just one month and I could leave this fucking school behind me and be with Gerard. I only had to survive one more month without seeing his face and being under his care. There was just something so romantic about it all. Him working there, me being a camper. Sure, it sounded creepy somewhat, but darn did it remind me of Romeo and Juliet! Although my conversations with Gerard would always make me smile, there was a sense of broken-ness inside of me still. Everything at that point in my life was falling apart. My parents were in the middle of a divorce and my mom wasn't working, therefore she had no money. Sometimes I would have to fend for myself because my mom was always sleeping or doped up on pills. Sure, I saw what the pills did to her, but that didn't stop me from doing them myself. I didn't go to school much in those months that I was stuck there. I don't think you would call it depression, I was just... stuck. I couldn't go anywhere in my life. Gerard couldn't know about the pills or the cutting. I don't know why, I just couldn't tell him.
I switched back and forth between my parents houses every Sunday, which was really annoying. I had been living out of a suitcase for almost a year. It made me even more angry that my mother spent all of our child support money on clothes that she "needed" and on pills that she "needed" and just random shit and she piled in random places. Our house was beginning to clutter madly. I walked downstairs and into the kitchen, desperately searching for food in the kitchen. There was almost nothing in the fridge and nothing in the pantry or cabinets. The dirty dishes piled up around the sink and the trash bags sat leaned up against the counters, taking up a lot of space in the kitchen. I decided to forget about my hunger and opened up the medicine cabinet. The good thing about being the son of a pill junky mother was the fact that it was easy to get ahold of pills.
I opened the cabinet and searched through all of the half empty bottles until I found a few that suited my needs. I never looked at labels or dosages, I just shoved a few in my mouth and washed it down with water. I hastily made my way over to the coffee maker and made myself a pot of coffee. I added creamer and sugar right into the pot and drank it all in a matter of minutes. After a while I was in a state of bliss, running around the house and looking for things to do. There really was nothing to do in my house. I searched for my razors but found none of them, I must have left them at my fathers. I searched in my garage for an exact-o knife and proceeded to unscrew the metal band around it and slide out the blade.
I ran back up into the bathroom and made a few bloody gashes into my wrist, occupying my busy mind. After a few moments I began to feel dizzy, I wobbled back and forth before falling and hitting my head on the edge of the toilet. From there I passed out until the morning. I woke up in a confused state, wondering where I was and why my head and wrists hurt so bad. I felt the giant goose egg on my head and scanned my scabbed wrists. So that was what was wrong with me. I recalled most of the previous night and decided it was best to clean myself up a bit and go down and look for some food again(although my mom usually spent the food money). My weak hand reached up and turned on the shower, turning it up to freezing cold. I was already sweating and I had just woken up.
My parched lips felt good as I slid under the water, letting the drops hit my bare skin. I looked down at my wrists, the scabs were ugly, I picked at them furiously. Before too long my wrists were streaming with pretty blood and dripped down onto the bottom of the tub to mix with water and float down the drain. As I watched it I realized just how stupid I was. Just how much time I had wasted dwelling on mere people and moments. How stupid I was for not seeing that my life wasn't all that bad. I sunk to the floor and huddled to my knees, tears beginning to flow from my eyes for the first time in a long time. While I was curled up there, I cried so hard that my sobs became silent, my throat closed up and I couldn't breathe. My muscles clenched and unclenched so rapidly that it was hard to even think straight, all I knew was that I didn't feel good.
When I returned to my normal state I wandering back into my room, dressed in a pair of clean clothes and my hair still damp. I opened my laptop and stared at the screen. I had myspace open from the previous day and it was on Gerard's profile. My eyes dulled for a moment. I felt like I was becoming obsessive over him or something. As I stared at the screen I remembered my cuts and my bruise, I looked down at my wrists. I needed help and I knew it. I proceeded to send a message to Gerard.
"Gerard. Can I talk to you?"
I asked.
For some reason it didn't take him days to reply this time, I guess I caught him while he was online.
"frankie i work at the summer camp you go to. you have to remember that. if you tell me anything theres always a risk i might have to tell the camp and call your parents."
Sometimes he was like that. Sometimes he reminded me that we couldn't be together. Sometimes he just turned on my and made me remember what was always going to keep us apart. I squinted in despair when I saw the message. Why did he have to be like that sometimes? It wasn't fair. One time he told me that we could never happen because he worked at the camp, and another time he told me that we could maybe find away around it. I guess this was one of those times that he decided to be logical and all.
"But, I thought you said that we could find a way around all of that, that we didn't have to see each other like that?" I typed sadly.
About an hour later he sent me back.
"youre right. i dont always have to be a leader. i can be your friend. im sorry. sometimes... i forget that."
It discouraged me to know that sometimes he wasn't always thinking about me like I thought of him. That sometimes he was just going to make it all stop there so we wouldn't lose his job. I think what discouraged me more than that was, he was right. That was the best thing to do. To stop it all right there and save the heartache that was going to come no matter what. One way or another we would be torn apart, or our love would get lost, and we would become heartbroken strangers. I hated that thought. Those kinds of thoughts were the kind that put me where I am. Passing out and hitting my head on toilets.
"No. It's fine. I can understand. I just need someone to talk to..."
I didn't put anything else because I didn't want to just jump into it and spill my guts to him like everyone else probably did. I wanted to know that he cared. That one single person cared. I waited almost half an hour for another reply.
"frankie... you know you can talk to me. weve known each other for two years and over the past few months youve become one of my closest friends."
For some reason the word "friends" made me angry. Or maybe sad. I wanted to be more than friends with him. I wanted to be his. I wanted to be his forever. But it just... couldn't work.
"Some stuff happened with Matt last year and it really got me down. That and my family is just being fucking stupid. I don't know what to do and... I've kind of been doing some stupid things lately."
I typed slowly. I was so hesitant to send him that message that it took me about ten minutes to decided if I was actually going to send it, or just tell him that I was fine and blow it off. This time he messaged me back almost immediately, which was a first for him.
"i fucking hate that matt guy from camp. i just hate him... what have you been doing? hes not worth your time i hope you know."
I could sense the anger in his typing. He really hated him. Maybe he knew that something went on between us? Or maybe he just knew how annoying Matt was and how big of a liar he was. Matt lied about the stupidest things ever, it really just started to bug me after a while, but I just listened intently and acted amazed at everything he told me.
"I've been kind of... well... taking pills and cutting and stuff. But it's nothing to worry about really."
I told him it was nothing to worry about in hopes that he would worry more. I wanted that attention from him. I wanted him to come and swoop me up into his arms and take care of me forever. I wanted to him grab hold and never let go. The conversation proceeded.
"frankie... oh my god im so sorry that i didnt know about this sooner. please stop. i dont want anything to happen to you. im excited for summer because i get to see you every day. what would happen if you died? i dont think i could ever live down not helping you when you needed it frankie. please stop..."
I smiled a sad smile as I read his messages. So he did care somewhat. He really did care that I was doing stupid things. From that moment on I was determined to stop all of this shit and recover as soon as possible. But how hard was that going to be? How hard was it going to be to get past all of this shit in my life and just... stop? Could it really be that easy? It sure as hell didn't seem like it. But no matter what I was going to stop. I was going to stop and I wa going to make Gerard see that it could work, that we could actually make things work. At that moment in time Gerard was all that was keeping me alive. Well, Gerard and Conner at least. Damn was Conner a good friend. He was the only thing that made me laugh anymore, even if it was a not-so-sober laugh it was still a moment of happiness in my gray cloud.
"I'm sorry. I know that I should have told someone sooner. But I just didn't know if I could. I want to stop Gerard. I really do."
After that our conversation went to how Gerard was going to help me get through it all and how he was going to protect me from harm during the summer, and it all just sounded so blissful. But I would learn that it wasn't that simple. That things are never that simple. Oh my silly thoughts back then.
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Poooor Frankieeee! Frank makes ME sad and I'm the one writing this. x D Anyways, please review! It's much much much appreciated! Thanks babes.
Lovelovelove
Finch.
Finch
----------
There was only one month left until summer. Just one month and I could leave this fucking school behind me and be with Gerard. I only had to survive one more month without seeing his face and being under his care. There was just something so romantic about it all. Him working there, me being a camper. Sure, it sounded creepy somewhat, but darn did it remind me of Romeo and Juliet! Although my conversations with Gerard would always make me smile, there was a sense of broken-ness inside of me still. Everything at that point in my life was falling apart. My parents were in the middle of a divorce and my mom wasn't working, therefore she had no money. Sometimes I would have to fend for myself because my mom was always sleeping or doped up on pills. Sure, I saw what the pills did to her, but that didn't stop me from doing them myself. I didn't go to school much in those months that I was stuck there. I don't think you would call it depression, I was just... stuck. I couldn't go anywhere in my life. Gerard couldn't know about the pills or the cutting. I don't know why, I just couldn't tell him.
I switched back and forth between my parents houses every Sunday, which was really annoying. I had been living out of a suitcase for almost a year. It made me even more angry that my mother spent all of our child support money on clothes that she "needed" and on pills that she "needed" and just random shit and she piled in random places. Our house was beginning to clutter madly. I walked downstairs and into the kitchen, desperately searching for food in the kitchen. There was almost nothing in the fridge and nothing in the pantry or cabinets. The dirty dishes piled up around the sink and the trash bags sat leaned up against the counters, taking up a lot of space in the kitchen. I decided to forget about my hunger and opened up the medicine cabinet. The good thing about being the son of a pill junky mother was the fact that it was easy to get ahold of pills.
I opened the cabinet and searched through all of the half empty bottles until I found a few that suited my needs. I never looked at labels or dosages, I just shoved a few in my mouth and washed it down with water. I hastily made my way over to the coffee maker and made myself a pot of coffee. I added creamer and sugar right into the pot and drank it all in a matter of minutes. After a while I was in a state of bliss, running around the house and looking for things to do. There really was nothing to do in my house. I searched for my razors but found none of them, I must have left them at my fathers. I searched in my garage for an exact-o knife and proceeded to unscrew the metal band around it and slide out the blade.
I ran back up into the bathroom and made a few bloody gashes into my wrist, occupying my busy mind. After a few moments I began to feel dizzy, I wobbled back and forth before falling and hitting my head on the edge of the toilet. From there I passed out until the morning. I woke up in a confused state, wondering where I was and why my head and wrists hurt so bad. I felt the giant goose egg on my head and scanned my scabbed wrists. So that was what was wrong with me. I recalled most of the previous night and decided it was best to clean myself up a bit and go down and look for some food again(although my mom usually spent the food money). My weak hand reached up and turned on the shower, turning it up to freezing cold. I was already sweating and I had just woken up.
My parched lips felt good as I slid under the water, letting the drops hit my bare skin. I looked down at my wrists, the scabs were ugly, I picked at them furiously. Before too long my wrists were streaming with pretty blood and dripped down onto the bottom of the tub to mix with water and float down the drain. As I watched it I realized just how stupid I was. Just how much time I had wasted dwelling on mere people and moments. How stupid I was for not seeing that my life wasn't all that bad. I sunk to the floor and huddled to my knees, tears beginning to flow from my eyes for the first time in a long time. While I was curled up there, I cried so hard that my sobs became silent, my throat closed up and I couldn't breathe. My muscles clenched and unclenched so rapidly that it was hard to even think straight, all I knew was that I didn't feel good.
When I returned to my normal state I wandering back into my room, dressed in a pair of clean clothes and my hair still damp. I opened my laptop and stared at the screen. I had myspace open from the previous day and it was on Gerard's profile. My eyes dulled for a moment. I felt like I was becoming obsessive over him or something. As I stared at the screen I remembered my cuts and my bruise, I looked down at my wrists. I needed help and I knew it. I proceeded to send a message to Gerard.
"Gerard. Can I talk to you?"
I asked.
For some reason it didn't take him days to reply this time, I guess I caught him while he was online.
"frankie i work at the summer camp you go to. you have to remember that. if you tell me anything theres always a risk i might have to tell the camp and call your parents."
Sometimes he was like that. Sometimes he reminded me that we couldn't be together. Sometimes he just turned on my and made me remember what was always going to keep us apart. I squinted in despair when I saw the message. Why did he have to be like that sometimes? It wasn't fair. One time he told me that we could never happen because he worked at the camp, and another time he told me that we could maybe find away around it. I guess this was one of those times that he decided to be logical and all.
"But, I thought you said that we could find a way around all of that, that we didn't have to see each other like that?" I typed sadly.
About an hour later he sent me back.
"youre right. i dont always have to be a leader. i can be your friend. im sorry. sometimes... i forget that."
It discouraged me to know that sometimes he wasn't always thinking about me like I thought of him. That sometimes he was just going to make it all stop there so we wouldn't lose his job. I think what discouraged me more than that was, he was right. That was the best thing to do. To stop it all right there and save the heartache that was going to come no matter what. One way or another we would be torn apart, or our love would get lost, and we would become heartbroken strangers. I hated that thought. Those kinds of thoughts were the kind that put me where I am. Passing out and hitting my head on toilets.
"No. It's fine. I can understand. I just need someone to talk to..."
I didn't put anything else because I didn't want to just jump into it and spill my guts to him like everyone else probably did. I wanted to know that he cared. That one single person cared. I waited almost half an hour for another reply.
"frankie... you know you can talk to me. weve known each other for two years and over the past few months youve become one of my closest friends."
For some reason the word "friends" made me angry. Or maybe sad. I wanted to be more than friends with him. I wanted to be his. I wanted to be his forever. But it just... couldn't work.
"Some stuff happened with Matt last year and it really got me down. That and my family is just being fucking stupid. I don't know what to do and... I've kind of been doing some stupid things lately."
I typed slowly. I was so hesitant to send him that message that it took me about ten minutes to decided if I was actually going to send it, or just tell him that I was fine and blow it off. This time he messaged me back almost immediately, which was a first for him.
"i fucking hate that matt guy from camp. i just hate him... what have you been doing? hes not worth your time i hope you know."
I could sense the anger in his typing. He really hated him. Maybe he knew that something went on between us? Or maybe he just knew how annoying Matt was and how big of a liar he was. Matt lied about the stupidest things ever, it really just started to bug me after a while, but I just listened intently and acted amazed at everything he told me.
"I've been kind of... well... taking pills and cutting and stuff. But it's nothing to worry about really."
I told him it was nothing to worry about in hopes that he would worry more. I wanted that attention from him. I wanted him to come and swoop me up into his arms and take care of me forever. I wanted to him grab hold and never let go. The conversation proceeded.
"frankie... oh my god im so sorry that i didnt know about this sooner. please stop. i dont want anything to happen to you. im excited for summer because i get to see you every day. what would happen if you died? i dont think i could ever live down not helping you when you needed it frankie. please stop..."
I smiled a sad smile as I read his messages. So he did care somewhat. He really did care that I was doing stupid things. From that moment on I was determined to stop all of this shit and recover as soon as possible. But how hard was that going to be? How hard was it going to be to get past all of this shit in my life and just... stop? Could it really be that easy? It sure as hell didn't seem like it. But no matter what I was going to stop. I was going to stop and I wa going to make Gerard see that it could work, that we could actually make things work. At that moment in time Gerard was all that was keeping me alive. Well, Gerard and Conner at least. Damn was Conner a good friend. He was the only thing that made me laugh anymore, even if it was a not-so-sober laugh it was still a moment of happiness in my gray cloud.
"I'm sorry. I know that I should have told someone sooner. But I just didn't know if I could. I want to stop Gerard. I really do."
After that our conversation went to how Gerard was going to help me get through it all and how he was going to protect me from harm during the summer, and it all just sounded so blissful. But I would learn that it wasn't that simple. That things are never that simple. Oh my silly thoughts back then.
----------
Poooor Frankieeee! Frank makes ME sad and I'm the one writing this. x D Anyways, please review! It's much much much appreciated! Thanks babes.
Lovelovelove
Finch.
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