Categories > Celebrities > Fall Out Boy > Look For The Boy with a Broken Smile
[I need opinions:Bring Pete back...yes or no?]
-patricks pov-
"I have the worst luck in the world." I muttered, throwing myself onto my bed.
Allie gave me a sympathetic look, not agreeing or disagreeing.
I continued.
"But I think one day God felt bad for making me be such a loser, so he gave me you to make up for it. Only the bad part is you get the short end of the stick by being stuck with me."
"Patrick, stop being so hard on yourself. I wish you could see how amazing you really are. I hope that one day before I die you'll see."
I felt a sick jolt in my stomach when she said that.
"Don't talk about you dying. If you ever did I would soon follow,that's for sure."
Allie sighed.
"How's your lip?"
I peeked up from the pillow I had my head buried in.
"S'okay" I muttered half-heartedly, returning my face to the pillow.
I sat up.
"I love you so much. Do you know that?" I asked.
"Of course I do. And I love you just as much.
I grabbed both her hands and our fingers laced.
"Listen to me. One day,soon I hope, I'm gonna give you the life you deserve. You won't have to work another day in your life. The only thing you might have to do is change diapers. That is..if you want kids..."
She giggled and her cheeks turned pink.
"Let me think about that one." She remarked.
"Yes. Think about it. Long and hard." I added with a smile.
"That's what she sai-"
"Don't even steal my joke!"
The joke did make a nice getaway from the subject though.
"Oh yeah...do you know what's wrong with Madi? She's been acting really weird."Allie had a concerned note about her
"No..I have no idea."
"Well..." Allie started "It's mostly when you're around. When you're at work she's normal. Did something happen?"
"No." I felt horrible lying but Allie really didn't need to know that a put her best friend in a choke hold.
"Okay." She sounded pretty unconvinced."Well, I'm gonna go do the dishes so you rest."
She stood up. I wanted to protest ,but I stopped myself. Alone was the last thing I wanted to be right now.
I sat up against my headboard and stared mindlessly at the falling snow. My mind first wandered to putting up the christmas tree...but then it was interrupted by my thoughts of Madi. As much as it might have been wrong for her to say that about Pete , I overreacted. And now I felt horrible. What if I mentally damaged her? What if she had been abused as a kid and I brought back memories? What if I was becoming my dad?
I shook away the thoughts one by one and made a decision. After work tomorrow I would come home and talk to her, apologizing and telling her my thoughts on the matter. I suppose I would be the bigger person. Next thing I knew I was asleep.
---
-next day-
Work went well, despite the long shift. I went in at 5 am and got out at 7pm.
I sat in my car,giving it a few minutes to warm it up and defrost the windshield.
It was December 1st. Which means ,freezing,in Chicago.
Which is why I wore a beanie over my ears and some ridiculous fingerless gloves, along with a fur hooded winter coat Pete had lent me.
I fiddled around for the Christmas station, and sang along as I pulled out of the parking lot.
The drive home was enjoyable. The music set the mood for the pretty lights lining the streets , illuminating the icicles hanging from the roofs of homes. I drove pretty slow , to avoid ice mostly but when you drive slow you pay attention to the sights that would normally be a blur.
Finally,my street came. Which meant home. Which meant hot chocolate and apologizing to Madi.
I pulled into the driveway and hurried to the door, the icy air biting at my face unmercifully.
I was happy to get inside to the heat.I kicked off my Nikes,which were now snow-coated and started to take off my jacket. Then I saw her.
Allie sat ,staring mindlessly at the kitchen table. Her eyes fixed,face pale white,looking like she was being mentally drained at that very moment.
I dropped my jacket on the floor.
I was literally scared out of my mind.
"Allie.."
No reply,not even a blink.
I moved next to her.
"Allie what's wrong?" I pleaded.
Nothing.
I had no idea what to do, so I touched one of her cold hands.
She jerked away immediately.
I was shocked. I swallowed hard.
What the fuck did I do wrong?
She shook her head, the same blank look consumed her face.
"How could you?"
Her voice was quiet and filled with pain.
"How could I what?" it was barely a whisper.
My eyes started to get hot and teary.
"You said nothing happened with you and Madi."
That was it. She was upset I had screamed at Madi, and roughed her up a bit.
"I-"
I was cut it off.
"No, I don't wanna hear it. There's a moving truck coming here tomorrow. Madi and I wil be gone by 10."
My heart sunk. I felt like I was going to pass out at any given second.
"Just becaus-"
"JUST BECAUSE WHAT? JUST BECAUSE YOU THINK YOU CAN GO AROUND, BEAT THE SHIT OUT OF MADI AND ON TOP OF IT ALL, RAPE HER?"
"Excuse me?! Rape her?!"
"IS THAT WHAT YOU WERE PLANNING TO DO TO ME NEXT?"
I couldn't believe what was happening.
She continued.
"I don't want your excuses,Patrick. She showed me the bruises,she told me the exact night. You two were home alone. You had texted me before it happened,asking when id be home. It was just the perfect opportunity for you,wasn't it?"
"You're gonna trust her..over me?"
"Why would she lie about that Patrick? Why would someone make that up? I mean, she's seriously damaged over this. She's been cutting herself bad."
I felt absolutely sick. I had no words.
"Patrick. I loved you. I still do. I can't just stop loving you, its gonna be hard giving you up. You have to underst-" her voice faded out when I saw Madi appear at the doorway,behind Allie. Her makeup was running, hair a mess. And wouldn't you know,she wore the biggest smile one could ever dream up. I had all I could do not to grab a knife then and there. I was literally crying now.
"What did I ever do to you?" I croaked out.
Allie turned around to look at a now,suddenly, terrified,and crying Madi who retreated back into her room.
I got up ,grabbed my jacket, cigarettes and a lighter from the kitchen drawer,put my shoes on and went into the back yard.
I didn't care that it was tops 30 degrees out, I sat down on a rock.
I dragged on my cigarette in between my jolting sobs. I never ,ever smoke but for some reason it just felt so good on this night. I ended up going through six,watching the snow fall and also intoxicating my lungs. Thoughts dropped like bombs, and my head was a hopeless city.
I didn't understand why Madi would do this to us, to me and moreover Allie who was supposed to be her best friend. I was more worried about her,the heartache that ripped through her,the same that ripped through me. I peered in the window and saw her on the couch,sobbing. I couldn't be there for her. I was inadequate,yet somehow I was comforted by the thought it wasn't my fault. I was just a really, unlucky guy. A headache to the world. Better off dead than alive
Then I was sick.
I threw up for 5 minutes straight in the snow.
I sat back down on the rock,almost lifelessly. I realized my hands were numb and reached in the pocket of my jacket to get my gloves.
My fingers wrapped tightly around the bottle. I pulled it frm my pocket,realizing I had missed my last dose an hour ago. My happy place pills. Did my happy place exist anymore? I wondered, and curiosity got the best of me. I swallowed the pill effortlessly. No,nothing yet. Maybe one wasn't enough. I think 7 or 8 should do the trick. And if it didn't...maybe a different sort of happy place would come. One where I didn't have to go back to my non-happy place ever again.
The pills went down so easily,my place seemed to be getting closer and closer.
I stood up,feeling dizzier and dizzier as the seconds vanished. I took the empty bottle and threw it as far as I could, and fell to the ground. My back hit the snow pretty hard. I couldn't feel my arms or legs. Or my body. I could see my breath leave my nostrils in exasperated puffs,floating through the air and disappearing.
I still hadn't found my happy place.
I watched the snow fall,pretty thick now.
I thought to myself how beautiful the snow looked against the dark sky,falling gently onto me. I wondered how many snowflakes I've ever touched . I wondered if anyone else thought of that, and if you could ever actually count it.
"No. No way" I answered myself out loud. Then, the snowflakes all fused together to make one,huge white mass. But not a good white. The kind of white that hurts your eyes. And makes you squint.
The white mass was replaced with a black one.
I think I found it.
-patricks pov-
"I have the worst luck in the world." I muttered, throwing myself onto my bed.
Allie gave me a sympathetic look, not agreeing or disagreeing.
I continued.
"But I think one day God felt bad for making me be such a loser, so he gave me you to make up for it. Only the bad part is you get the short end of the stick by being stuck with me."
"Patrick, stop being so hard on yourself. I wish you could see how amazing you really are. I hope that one day before I die you'll see."
I felt a sick jolt in my stomach when she said that.
"Don't talk about you dying. If you ever did I would soon follow,that's for sure."
Allie sighed.
"How's your lip?"
I peeked up from the pillow I had my head buried in.
"S'okay" I muttered half-heartedly, returning my face to the pillow.
I sat up.
"I love you so much. Do you know that?" I asked.
"Of course I do. And I love you just as much.
I grabbed both her hands and our fingers laced.
"Listen to me. One day,soon I hope, I'm gonna give you the life you deserve. You won't have to work another day in your life. The only thing you might have to do is change diapers. That is..if you want kids..."
She giggled and her cheeks turned pink.
"Let me think about that one." She remarked.
"Yes. Think about it. Long and hard." I added with a smile.
"That's what she sai-"
"Don't even steal my joke!"
The joke did make a nice getaway from the subject though.
"Oh yeah...do you know what's wrong with Madi? She's been acting really weird."Allie had a concerned note about her
"No..I have no idea."
"Well..." Allie started "It's mostly when you're around. When you're at work she's normal. Did something happen?"
"No." I felt horrible lying but Allie really didn't need to know that a put her best friend in a choke hold.
"Okay." She sounded pretty unconvinced."Well, I'm gonna go do the dishes so you rest."
She stood up. I wanted to protest ,but I stopped myself. Alone was the last thing I wanted to be right now.
I sat up against my headboard and stared mindlessly at the falling snow. My mind first wandered to putting up the christmas tree...but then it was interrupted by my thoughts of Madi. As much as it might have been wrong for her to say that about Pete , I overreacted. And now I felt horrible. What if I mentally damaged her? What if she had been abused as a kid and I brought back memories? What if I was becoming my dad?
I shook away the thoughts one by one and made a decision. After work tomorrow I would come home and talk to her, apologizing and telling her my thoughts on the matter. I suppose I would be the bigger person. Next thing I knew I was asleep.
---
-next day-
Work went well, despite the long shift. I went in at 5 am and got out at 7pm.
I sat in my car,giving it a few minutes to warm it up and defrost the windshield.
It was December 1st. Which means ,freezing,in Chicago.
Which is why I wore a beanie over my ears and some ridiculous fingerless gloves, along with a fur hooded winter coat Pete had lent me.
I fiddled around for the Christmas station, and sang along as I pulled out of the parking lot.
The drive home was enjoyable. The music set the mood for the pretty lights lining the streets , illuminating the icicles hanging from the roofs of homes. I drove pretty slow , to avoid ice mostly but when you drive slow you pay attention to the sights that would normally be a blur.
Finally,my street came. Which meant home. Which meant hot chocolate and apologizing to Madi.
I pulled into the driveway and hurried to the door, the icy air biting at my face unmercifully.
I was happy to get inside to the heat.I kicked off my Nikes,which were now snow-coated and started to take off my jacket. Then I saw her.
Allie sat ,staring mindlessly at the kitchen table. Her eyes fixed,face pale white,looking like she was being mentally drained at that very moment.
I dropped my jacket on the floor.
I was literally scared out of my mind.
"Allie.."
No reply,not even a blink.
I moved next to her.
"Allie what's wrong?" I pleaded.
Nothing.
I had no idea what to do, so I touched one of her cold hands.
She jerked away immediately.
I was shocked. I swallowed hard.
What the fuck did I do wrong?
She shook her head, the same blank look consumed her face.
"How could you?"
Her voice was quiet and filled with pain.
"How could I what?" it was barely a whisper.
My eyes started to get hot and teary.
"You said nothing happened with you and Madi."
That was it. She was upset I had screamed at Madi, and roughed her up a bit.
"I-"
I was cut it off.
"No, I don't wanna hear it. There's a moving truck coming here tomorrow. Madi and I wil be gone by 10."
My heart sunk. I felt like I was going to pass out at any given second.
"Just becaus-"
"JUST BECAUSE WHAT? JUST BECAUSE YOU THINK YOU CAN GO AROUND, BEAT THE SHIT OUT OF MADI AND ON TOP OF IT ALL, RAPE HER?"
"Excuse me?! Rape her?!"
"IS THAT WHAT YOU WERE PLANNING TO DO TO ME NEXT?"
I couldn't believe what was happening.
She continued.
"I don't want your excuses,Patrick. She showed me the bruises,she told me the exact night. You two were home alone. You had texted me before it happened,asking when id be home. It was just the perfect opportunity for you,wasn't it?"
"You're gonna trust her..over me?"
"Why would she lie about that Patrick? Why would someone make that up? I mean, she's seriously damaged over this. She's been cutting herself bad."
I felt absolutely sick. I had no words.
"Patrick. I loved you. I still do. I can't just stop loving you, its gonna be hard giving you up. You have to underst-" her voice faded out when I saw Madi appear at the doorway,behind Allie. Her makeup was running, hair a mess. And wouldn't you know,she wore the biggest smile one could ever dream up. I had all I could do not to grab a knife then and there. I was literally crying now.
"What did I ever do to you?" I croaked out.
Allie turned around to look at a now,suddenly, terrified,and crying Madi who retreated back into her room.
I got up ,grabbed my jacket, cigarettes and a lighter from the kitchen drawer,put my shoes on and went into the back yard.
I didn't care that it was tops 30 degrees out, I sat down on a rock.
I dragged on my cigarette in between my jolting sobs. I never ,ever smoke but for some reason it just felt so good on this night. I ended up going through six,watching the snow fall and also intoxicating my lungs. Thoughts dropped like bombs, and my head was a hopeless city.
I didn't understand why Madi would do this to us, to me and moreover Allie who was supposed to be her best friend. I was more worried about her,the heartache that ripped through her,the same that ripped through me. I peered in the window and saw her on the couch,sobbing. I couldn't be there for her. I was inadequate,yet somehow I was comforted by the thought it wasn't my fault. I was just a really, unlucky guy. A headache to the world. Better off dead than alive
Then I was sick.
I threw up for 5 minutes straight in the snow.
I sat back down on the rock,almost lifelessly. I realized my hands were numb and reached in the pocket of my jacket to get my gloves.
My fingers wrapped tightly around the bottle. I pulled it frm my pocket,realizing I had missed my last dose an hour ago. My happy place pills. Did my happy place exist anymore? I wondered, and curiosity got the best of me. I swallowed the pill effortlessly. No,nothing yet. Maybe one wasn't enough. I think 7 or 8 should do the trick. And if it didn't...maybe a different sort of happy place would come. One where I didn't have to go back to my non-happy place ever again.
The pills went down so easily,my place seemed to be getting closer and closer.
I stood up,feeling dizzier and dizzier as the seconds vanished. I took the empty bottle and threw it as far as I could, and fell to the ground. My back hit the snow pretty hard. I couldn't feel my arms or legs. Or my body. I could see my breath leave my nostrils in exasperated puffs,floating through the air and disappearing.
I still hadn't found my happy place.
I watched the snow fall,pretty thick now.
I thought to myself how beautiful the snow looked against the dark sky,falling gently onto me. I wondered how many snowflakes I've ever touched . I wondered if anyone else thought of that, and if you could ever actually count it.
"No. No way" I answered myself out loud. Then, the snowflakes all fused together to make one,huge white mass. But not a good white. The kind of white that hurts your eyes. And makes you squint.
The white mass was replaced with a black one.
I think I found it.
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