Categories > Celebrities > Fall Out Boy > Look For The Boy with a Broken Smile
My head was spinning. I opened my eyes and light burned them like lasers. It took me a minute to come to my senses, and I realized I was once again, in a hospital bed. My entire body was stiff. I heard footsteps and turned my head to see Allie walking out the door. I sat up quickly despite the pain but she was gone.
"Fuck." My voice was quiet and pathetic.
I spotted the IV in my arm and almost ripped it out before the nurse came in.
"How are you doing Patrick?"
"Fine." I mumbled.
She scribbled some shit down on her clipboard.
"Do you know where...where she went?"
"Oh...she just left. Visiting hours have been over for a long time but she insisted on staying with you for the two nights."
She filled me in on how when I had been brought in, I was almost flatlining and they had to pump my stomach to get the pills out. I had also been put on life support to stabilize my heart rate and was now on a one-on-one watch at the hospital for a week because of "suicidal tendencies". I was also told that Allie stayed by my bed religiously, until I woke up. That almost made me cry.
The nurse left, and told me not to touch the IV. I thought about tearing it out more than once.
---
I slept the week away. At the end, they asked me a lot of questions like if I still wanted to die. I guess I answered right becuase they gave me my stuff and let me go. I dialed a taxi, and soon enough it pulled up.
The taxi driver talked too much, and I slouched against the brown leather seat lifelessly. When we got home, I handed him a 50 and let him keep the 30 dollars in change because I didn't want to stick around for him to count it.
I threw my bag on the couch and walked straight to Allie's room.
I stayed in the doorway...observing the bare walls and empty space.I just stared for a few minutes and then turned away fighting back the tears violently.
I walked slowly to my room, realizing I would be sleeping alone tonight and probably forever.
There was a note on my bed, that read "pick hemingway up at joe's when you get home."
She even had the little heart over the "I's"
The bottom read "I didn't feel right keeping it"
And underneath the note was the ring I had given her.
---
"Have you ever been so in love you can't sleep?"
Allie's eyes were bright. "No, I can't say I have."
"Oh..." I was a little disappointed.
"However..."she began." I have been so in love that I can't get that person off my mind no matter what. But I don't mind thinking about you constantly."
I brushed her hair out of her face.
We were sitting in the treehouse of her backyard. It was autumn,right after the leaves had turned and the air was chilly
"You're one of a kind you know that?"
I pressed my lips against hers, and she kissed me back. We separated and she just smiled, fixing the collar of my shirt.
"I can't imagine what life would be like without you." I told her.I meant it too.
"I can imagine life without you. And its something I hope neve happens." She was sincere.
"Pinky promise we stay together forever?" I asked hopefully, grabbing her hand.
Our fingers laced.
"Pinky promise."she confirmed,kissing my cheek.
"I'll hold you to it."
---
Reality came back painfully . I had somehow ended up on the floor, slouched up against the side of my bed. I felt eternally nauseous and I held my head for quite some time. My phone buzzed in my pocket, and I grabbed it anxiously, thinking it might be her. It was Andy. I flung my phone across the room and it landed on the carpet with a thud. There was no one in the world I felt like talking to.
---
The next morning , I was awake but I still felt asleep. I was still on the floor next to my bed, and after minutes I made an attempt to prop myself up. I unclenched my hand to find Allie's ring still there. I took a closer look at it again... the engraving on the inside "'Till forever".
"Yeah,forever." I remarked to myself. I tucked the ring inside the drawer of my nightstand.
I stood up, every bone in my body cracking from sleeping on the hard floor. I figured I would force myself to take a shower and what not. I was starting to look like a hobo from the lack of shaving.
After I got out of the shower, I sort of stared at myself in the mirror while I was brushing my teeth.I looked kind of different because I had completely shaved off my sideburns, and the still sore-looking scar that jutted crookedly from my bottom lip didn't make for a great look.
You have nothing going for you. Look at you, you're pathetic. I sort of heard this in the back of my mind. The dark rings that had made their home under my eyes confirmed this.
I opened some windows around the house to air it out. It was raining, and I love the way rain smells. Without paying much attention to exactly what I was doing, I got dressed and cleaned up the house. I was sweeping the floor in the kitchen when I saw Hem's bed in the corner.
"Shit.." I muttered. I grabbed my keys, put on my hat and locked the door behind me.
The drive to Joe's place was fairly short, despite my windshield wipers not working just right.
I knocked softly on the door, and immediately heard Hemmy barking behind it. Joe opened the door and let me in quickly so I wouldn't get soaked any more than possible.
"What's up man." Joe gave me a hug.
"Nothing much, you know." I said half-heartedly.
"Come sit down." he gestured toward the living room.
Andy was there as well. He hugged me too and we all sat down. Hemingway jumped up onto me, licking my face. I think this was the first time I smiled in a week or so.
The first few minutes were awkward, kind of. I didn't know what they thought of me.
Andy finally blurted out "We know you didn't do that Patrick."
I sighed. "Thank you guys."
"I never liked Madison anyways." Joe stated, handing us Pepsis. "But you know we've got your back no matter what, Trick. No matter what shit she pulls she can never change our friendship."
We talked for at least two hours when I finally decided to get going. Joe gave me all of Hemmy's stuff and Hemmy followed me excitedly to my car. Joe and Andy waved goodbye and I left.
It was around 7 o'clock and on the way home, I stopped at Target to get new windshield wipers, and some dog food and tennis balls for Hemmy. He really was good company. He sat in the passenger's seat and stared at the windshield wipers going back and forth rhythmically. When I talked to him, he would turn to me and his ears would perk up. We became best friends in a short period of time.
---
Two months passed. I was now working as a supervisor at the Apple store, seeing as I was fired from my former job after disappearing to the hospital for a week. Around 4 o'clock one day after work, I decided it was much too beautiful of a day to sit home and play Wii all day. So I put on Hemmy's leash and collar, grabbed my acoustic guitar and drove to a local park. It was a real nice park ,I have to say. I liked it a lot because there was this pond in the middle and you could just sit in the shade near the pond and nobody bothered you. I let Hem off his leash and he immediately went down to check out the water. I found this tree, sat down on the grass and leaned up against it. At first I couldn't find the music, but it came slowly but surely. I strummed away quietly, watching Hemingway play with the ducks.
A while later, Hem started barking like crazy.
"Quiet Hemmy!" I started to stand up to go get him but he started to dart off down to the other end of the pond.
"shit." I muttered. He never , ever ran off like this. I grabbed my guitar (I figured the blanket would be safe for a few minutes) and started off after him. I finally got within sight of him, he was sniffing at some people sitting on a bench. As I got closer I realized why.
"Oh no." I said to myself at least 10 times.
Allie sat on a bench, petting Hemingway who picked up her scent from way far away. Only she was accompanied by this bastard- looking, prep guy who had one of his hands around her shoulders and the other scratching Hem's ear.
I fell apart.
My eyes started to sting and get all hot with tears but I didn't give a shit. I swung my guitar around to my back, and walked up to Hemmy with his leash. Without a word or a look, I clipped his leash to his collar and led him away. He started to whimper but I gave his leash a quick tug and he followed along quickly.
"Patrick! " I heard the familiar voice that used to take my breath away.
I inhaled sharply. It still worked.
I ignored it, and walked faster.
---
Upon arriving at my empty home, I didn't much feel like doing anything at all. So I did just that. At first, I grabbed my laptop and started to lay out a track on Garage Band but I just wasn't in the mood. So I flicked around the channels until I settled for a marathon of The Office. I laid on the couch, and Hemmy fell asleep with his head on my chest. I felt like almost doing the same thing until the doorbell rang, startling Hem who ran to the door and barked instinctively.
"Who the hell could this be..." I muttered. I swung the door open without thinking and my breath got stuck in my throat.
Allie stood there looking tired, nervous and sad all at the same time. I could have sworn that for a split second, her eyes lit up. But I'm usually wrong about that sort of stuff. We stood there for about 15 seconds in silence. We finally made eye contact and it hurt a little.
"Patrick can we talk?" she said breaking the silence.
I moved out of the doorway ,gesturing her inside.
I was trying my best to make it appear that I was actually okay, and that my heart wasn't actually covered in scars. I don't think it worked well, though.
She laid her jacket on my favorite chair and sat down in it. I sat down on the couch opposite from her.
"Do you want something to drink? " I offered.
"No thank you." ,she declined politely.
It's crazy how weird it felt being in the same room with someone you know like the back of your hand but have to treat them like an acquaintance or something. It's awful actually.
After what seemed like forever, she broke the silence. She took a deep breath.
"To start off with, in the park? That wasn't my boyfriend. That's my new roommate Matt. He's gay so relax."
That was a relief.
"Okay look. We're not together anymore. I don't care if you're dating or not."
"Well that's the thing. I am in love with someone else. He's everything I could ever ask for. He's smart, he's funny and sweet and we have like all of the same things. I could see myself spending the rest of my life with him. He's my prince charming."
"Allie, please. I really don't need this."
"I'm just saying..."
I sort of put my face in my hands. I knew I was gonna cry and I think Allie knew it too.
I felt weight on the couch next to me and I looked up.
"You were right about her.", she stated.
"Who?"
"Madi. I borrowed her phone one day and I had to reset it because it wasn't working right. When I reset it all of her old texts she had deleted came up. She was writing to her friend telling them how she lied to break us up because she was jealous. And because we were apparently "annoying and fake". I confronted her and she tried to lie again but I was already done listening. She moved out the next day."
I wanted to say I told you so, but I didn't. I stayed silent.
"It's just so weird now. Knowing she did that and broke us up. And you're moving on and I guess I am too."
Moving on. That cracked me up.
"I don't care. I obviously want us to be together.I finally realized that it's not about me. I still love you with all my heart. There's not a day that goes by that I you don't cross my mind. But if this guy is for you, and he treats you the way you should be then I'm okay with it. If you wake up in the morning with a smile on your face and go to bed smiling that's all that matters. All I want for you to be is happy. Even if that means I'm not."
Allie was crying now and it broke my heart. I offered her a hug to comfort her and she buried her head in my shoulder. She smelled good like always but it killed me to think about her being in some other guys' arms. After about 10 minutes she pulled out of my hold.
"I should get going." She got up from the couch and grabbed her purse and jacket.
"Thank you Patrick. Thanks for talking. It means a lot."
She wouldn't really look at me. I walked over to the door and opened it for her. It was raining hard.
"Here." I said pulling the hood of her jacket over her head. "Drive carefully."
She was crying again. She shut the door behind her, and shortly after I saw headlights pull out of my driveway and make their way down the street.
I sat down next to the door and listened to the rain for a little bit... it was really coming down hard.
That was it. I probably would never see her again. She was finally happy and half of my heart was happy for her. The other half was bitter that I wouldn't be the one tucking her in at night and catching her tears and listening to all her childhood stories. I sat there for a while and decided to get ready for bed. I brushed my teeth and put my pajamas on. Hemmy waited on my bed for me and I was just about to shut off the lights when the doorbell rang again.
What.The Fuck. It was like 2 am by now. Within two seconds of me opening the door Allie's lips were on mine. I was up against the door now, and she wouldn't quit. I kissed her back, slipping my hand around the back of her neck. It felt amazing, but we finally separated. I was a little winded mostly because it took my breath away.
She whispered to me "You're who I was talking about. You're the only one that makes me wake up with a smile and go to sleep with an even bigger one."
"...so there's no new boyfriend?" I asked.
"No. You're the only one that will ever have my heart. I promise."
"Fuck." My voice was quiet and pathetic.
I spotted the IV in my arm and almost ripped it out before the nurse came in.
"How are you doing Patrick?"
"Fine." I mumbled.
She scribbled some shit down on her clipboard.
"Do you know where...where she went?"
"Oh...she just left. Visiting hours have been over for a long time but she insisted on staying with you for the two nights."
She filled me in on how when I had been brought in, I was almost flatlining and they had to pump my stomach to get the pills out. I had also been put on life support to stabilize my heart rate and was now on a one-on-one watch at the hospital for a week because of "suicidal tendencies". I was also told that Allie stayed by my bed religiously, until I woke up. That almost made me cry.
The nurse left, and told me not to touch the IV. I thought about tearing it out more than once.
---
I slept the week away. At the end, they asked me a lot of questions like if I still wanted to die. I guess I answered right becuase they gave me my stuff and let me go. I dialed a taxi, and soon enough it pulled up.
The taxi driver talked too much, and I slouched against the brown leather seat lifelessly. When we got home, I handed him a 50 and let him keep the 30 dollars in change because I didn't want to stick around for him to count it.
I threw my bag on the couch and walked straight to Allie's room.
I stayed in the doorway...observing the bare walls and empty space.I just stared for a few minutes and then turned away fighting back the tears violently.
I walked slowly to my room, realizing I would be sleeping alone tonight and probably forever.
There was a note on my bed, that read "pick hemingway up at joe's when you get home."
She even had the little heart over the "I's"
The bottom read "I didn't feel right keeping it"
And underneath the note was the ring I had given her.
---
"Have you ever been so in love you can't sleep?"
Allie's eyes were bright. "No, I can't say I have."
"Oh..." I was a little disappointed.
"However..."she began." I have been so in love that I can't get that person off my mind no matter what. But I don't mind thinking about you constantly."
I brushed her hair out of her face.
We were sitting in the treehouse of her backyard. It was autumn,right after the leaves had turned and the air was chilly
"You're one of a kind you know that?"
I pressed my lips against hers, and she kissed me back. We separated and she just smiled, fixing the collar of my shirt.
"I can't imagine what life would be like without you." I told her.I meant it too.
"I can imagine life without you. And its something I hope neve happens." She was sincere.
"Pinky promise we stay together forever?" I asked hopefully, grabbing her hand.
Our fingers laced.
"Pinky promise."she confirmed,kissing my cheek.
"I'll hold you to it."
---
Reality came back painfully . I had somehow ended up on the floor, slouched up against the side of my bed. I felt eternally nauseous and I held my head for quite some time. My phone buzzed in my pocket, and I grabbed it anxiously, thinking it might be her. It was Andy. I flung my phone across the room and it landed on the carpet with a thud. There was no one in the world I felt like talking to.
---
The next morning , I was awake but I still felt asleep. I was still on the floor next to my bed, and after minutes I made an attempt to prop myself up. I unclenched my hand to find Allie's ring still there. I took a closer look at it again... the engraving on the inside "'Till forever".
"Yeah,forever." I remarked to myself. I tucked the ring inside the drawer of my nightstand.
I stood up, every bone in my body cracking from sleeping on the hard floor. I figured I would force myself to take a shower and what not. I was starting to look like a hobo from the lack of shaving.
After I got out of the shower, I sort of stared at myself in the mirror while I was brushing my teeth.I looked kind of different because I had completely shaved off my sideburns, and the still sore-looking scar that jutted crookedly from my bottom lip didn't make for a great look.
You have nothing going for you. Look at you, you're pathetic. I sort of heard this in the back of my mind. The dark rings that had made their home under my eyes confirmed this.
I opened some windows around the house to air it out. It was raining, and I love the way rain smells. Without paying much attention to exactly what I was doing, I got dressed and cleaned up the house. I was sweeping the floor in the kitchen when I saw Hem's bed in the corner.
"Shit.." I muttered. I grabbed my keys, put on my hat and locked the door behind me.
The drive to Joe's place was fairly short, despite my windshield wipers not working just right.
I knocked softly on the door, and immediately heard Hemmy barking behind it. Joe opened the door and let me in quickly so I wouldn't get soaked any more than possible.
"What's up man." Joe gave me a hug.
"Nothing much, you know." I said half-heartedly.
"Come sit down." he gestured toward the living room.
Andy was there as well. He hugged me too and we all sat down. Hemingway jumped up onto me, licking my face. I think this was the first time I smiled in a week or so.
The first few minutes were awkward, kind of. I didn't know what they thought of me.
Andy finally blurted out "We know you didn't do that Patrick."
I sighed. "Thank you guys."
"I never liked Madison anyways." Joe stated, handing us Pepsis. "But you know we've got your back no matter what, Trick. No matter what shit she pulls she can never change our friendship."
We talked for at least two hours when I finally decided to get going. Joe gave me all of Hemmy's stuff and Hemmy followed me excitedly to my car. Joe and Andy waved goodbye and I left.
It was around 7 o'clock and on the way home, I stopped at Target to get new windshield wipers, and some dog food and tennis balls for Hemmy. He really was good company. He sat in the passenger's seat and stared at the windshield wipers going back and forth rhythmically. When I talked to him, he would turn to me and his ears would perk up. We became best friends in a short period of time.
---
Two months passed. I was now working as a supervisor at the Apple store, seeing as I was fired from my former job after disappearing to the hospital for a week. Around 4 o'clock one day after work, I decided it was much too beautiful of a day to sit home and play Wii all day. So I put on Hemmy's leash and collar, grabbed my acoustic guitar and drove to a local park. It was a real nice park ,I have to say. I liked it a lot because there was this pond in the middle and you could just sit in the shade near the pond and nobody bothered you. I let Hem off his leash and he immediately went down to check out the water. I found this tree, sat down on the grass and leaned up against it. At first I couldn't find the music, but it came slowly but surely. I strummed away quietly, watching Hemingway play with the ducks.
A while later, Hem started barking like crazy.
"Quiet Hemmy!" I started to stand up to go get him but he started to dart off down to the other end of the pond.
"shit." I muttered. He never , ever ran off like this. I grabbed my guitar (I figured the blanket would be safe for a few minutes) and started off after him. I finally got within sight of him, he was sniffing at some people sitting on a bench. As I got closer I realized why.
"Oh no." I said to myself at least 10 times.
Allie sat on a bench, petting Hemingway who picked up her scent from way far away. Only she was accompanied by this bastard- looking, prep guy who had one of his hands around her shoulders and the other scratching Hem's ear.
I fell apart.
My eyes started to sting and get all hot with tears but I didn't give a shit. I swung my guitar around to my back, and walked up to Hemmy with his leash. Without a word or a look, I clipped his leash to his collar and led him away. He started to whimper but I gave his leash a quick tug and he followed along quickly.
"Patrick! " I heard the familiar voice that used to take my breath away.
I inhaled sharply. It still worked.
I ignored it, and walked faster.
---
Upon arriving at my empty home, I didn't much feel like doing anything at all. So I did just that. At first, I grabbed my laptop and started to lay out a track on Garage Band but I just wasn't in the mood. So I flicked around the channels until I settled for a marathon of The Office. I laid on the couch, and Hemmy fell asleep with his head on my chest. I felt like almost doing the same thing until the doorbell rang, startling Hem who ran to the door and barked instinctively.
"Who the hell could this be..." I muttered. I swung the door open without thinking and my breath got stuck in my throat.
Allie stood there looking tired, nervous and sad all at the same time. I could have sworn that for a split second, her eyes lit up. But I'm usually wrong about that sort of stuff. We stood there for about 15 seconds in silence. We finally made eye contact and it hurt a little.
"Patrick can we talk?" she said breaking the silence.
I moved out of the doorway ,gesturing her inside.
I was trying my best to make it appear that I was actually okay, and that my heart wasn't actually covered in scars. I don't think it worked well, though.
She laid her jacket on my favorite chair and sat down in it. I sat down on the couch opposite from her.
"Do you want something to drink? " I offered.
"No thank you." ,she declined politely.
It's crazy how weird it felt being in the same room with someone you know like the back of your hand but have to treat them like an acquaintance or something. It's awful actually.
After what seemed like forever, she broke the silence. She took a deep breath.
"To start off with, in the park? That wasn't my boyfriend. That's my new roommate Matt. He's gay so relax."
That was a relief.
"Okay look. We're not together anymore. I don't care if you're dating or not."
"Well that's the thing. I am in love with someone else. He's everything I could ever ask for. He's smart, he's funny and sweet and we have like all of the same things. I could see myself spending the rest of my life with him. He's my prince charming."
"Allie, please. I really don't need this."
"I'm just saying..."
I sort of put my face in my hands. I knew I was gonna cry and I think Allie knew it too.
I felt weight on the couch next to me and I looked up.
"You were right about her.", she stated.
"Who?"
"Madi. I borrowed her phone one day and I had to reset it because it wasn't working right. When I reset it all of her old texts she had deleted came up. She was writing to her friend telling them how she lied to break us up because she was jealous. And because we were apparently "annoying and fake". I confronted her and she tried to lie again but I was already done listening. She moved out the next day."
I wanted to say I told you so, but I didn't. I stayed silent.
"It's just so weird now. Knowing she did that and broke us up. And you're moving on and I guess I am too."
Moving on. That cracked me up.
"I don't care. I obviously want us to be together.I finally realized that it's not about me. I still love you with all my heart. There's not a day that goes by that I you don't cross my mind. But if this guy is for you, and he treats you the way you should be then I'm okay with it. If you wake up in the morning with a smile on your face and go to bed smiling that's all that matters. All I want for you to be is happy. Even if that means I'm not."
Allie was crying now and it broke my heart. I offered her a hug to comfort her and she buried her head in my shoulder. She smelled good like always but it killed me to think about her being in some other guys' arms. After about 10 minutes she pulled out of my hold.
"I should get going." She got up from the couch and grabbed her purse and jacket.
"Thank you Patrick. Thanks for talking. It means a lot."
She wouldn't really look at me. I walked over to the door and opened it for her. It was raining hard.
"Here." I said pulling the hood of her jacket over her head. "Drive carefully."
She was crying again. She shut the door behind her, and shortly after I saw headlights pull out of my driveway and make their way down the street.
I sat down next to the door and listened to the rain for a little bit... it was really coming down hard.
That was it. I probably would never see her again. She was finally happy and half of my heart was happy for her. The other half was bitter that I wouldn't be the one tucking her in at night and catching her tears and listening to all her childhood stories. I sat there for a while and decided to get ready for bed. I brushed my teeth and put my pajamas on. Hemmy waited on my bed for me and I was just about to shut off the lights when the doorbell rang again.
What.The Fuck. It was like 2 am by now. Within two seconds of me opening the door Allie's lips were on mine. I was up against the door now, and she wouldn't quit. I kissed her back, slipping my hand around the back of her neck. It felt amazing, but we finally separated. I was a little winded mostly because it took my breath away.
She whispered to me "You're who I was talking about. You're the only one that makes me wake up with a smile and go to sleep with an even bigger one."
"...so there's no new boyfriend?" I asked.
"No. You're the only one that will ever have my heart. I promise."
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